The Saturday Night Olympics
It was March 13th, 2006, i.e. four years ago this past Saturday, when I published my first post for this site. This time each year I like to congratulate myself for having the wherewithal and the unique misfortune to stick it out this long, by putting together a list of some of my better posts from the past year. This year, since everyone who started here was already gone at this point last year, and also due to laziness, I’ll spare you the self-congratulating other than to point out that I checked just now, and according to my calculations, this is my 928th post for this site. And that’s not even counting the ones that disappeared due to this site’s infamous software glitch. Assuming each post was in the 800-word range, which they were, except for the ones that were way longer, that’s over 720,000 words. Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ! To think, how much money I would have made, if I’d been paid a decent rate to write that much. I wouldn’t have to live in this shanty town. I’ll just have to take as consolation the fact that I got paid anything at all to spend so much time talking about pr0n.
(In rough chronological order, rather than going through the hassle of trying to rank them, which would be pointless anyway, because they’re all so good.)
1) Select crab meats – I spent an entire afternoon listening to Rawse’s Deeper Than Rap, just to pick out the five most ridonkulous lines, a solid 40% of which have to do with seafood.
2) Best cans I ever saw – I’m not gonna lie – I watched that Drake video at least once a day for weeks and weeks after it hit the Internets.
3) Al Qaeda is the new Koch – When Homeland Security finally uncovers the trend of rappers converting to terrorism-Islam, as part of Al Qaeda’s continuing efforts to recruit in the black community, don’t forget where you heard it first.
4) The real reason Oprah loves Jay-Z – When you spend a lot of time around crack, it seeps into your pores. That’s one of the reasons crackheads are always offering to suck drug dealers’ dicks.
5) Favor for a favor – Ozone magazine allegedly has a head for interviews policy, for rappers who are famous enough. My goal in life is to take advantage of this policy.
6) Posse on Trendwatch: Trolling for alcohol – If I don’t get famous enough to take advantage of Ozone’s head for interviews policy, I might stop by Jean Grae’s house with a handle of Gilbey’s gin.
7) What was Kanye thinking? – If Kanye had stayed in college, he would have known better than to interrupt Taylor Swift right during the height of that teabagger bullshit.
8) PSA (Public Service Announcement) – One of the important things we can do as journalists is give back. My way of giving back is helping kids flout the drug laws in New York.
9) Untimely, unsolicited advice for Derrion Albert – The post that finally got TPAR to stop emailing me about posting his rap music. For about two weeks, at least.
10) LisaRaye: The future Mrs. Al Sharpton? – How the former first lady of Turks and Caicos tried to become the secretary of the National Action Network.
11) Is Diddy losing his edge? – Who knew it was possible for a vanity label to shelve an album by its own pretend owner?
12) Why Lil Wayne is facing a year in jail – Never shoot a three roper in a room with a gun in it. That third rope could fall a bit short and end up landing you in prison.
13) Bangs hits the big time – Dedicated to all of the ladies out there who like to go to the movies.
14) How I know the Clipse really are drug dealers – I wasn’t buying for a minute that video where Malice makes himself a delicious stack of pancakes. He probably pays strippers to make him pancakes, with all that money he makes from drug dealing.
15) Five things I learned watching Precious – If you haven’t already seen Precious, read this first then see it. It’ll make a lot more sense.
16) Atheist state of mind – This one was published before Jay-Z went on Vlad TV and assured people who can’t breathe through their noses that he does believe in god, but everything it says is still true, if not even more so.
17) Desperate much, black women? – The real reason black women got all butthurt about Reggie Bush being on the cover of Essence magazine, despite the fact that Kim Kardashian is an honorary black woman, as evidenced by the time she was on the cover of the late, great King magazine.
18) Never trust a man in retro tennis shoes – This post is like No Logo for people who are too intimidated by books to read Dr. Seuss, let alone Naomi Klein. I might print up copies and hand them out at ghetto middle schools.
19) Fuck you, I won’t tidy my bedroom – Every now and again I’ll do a post on Rage Against the Machine, in hopes that some dumb kid will pick up their self-titled debut and have his whole perspective on shit changed. Black kids are listening to rock these days, right?
20) Tainted love – I should have known people wouldn’t give a shit about the fact that some of these hip-hop blogs are accepting payola. One douche even admitted in the comments section that he also accepts payola. Maybe he was advertising.
21) Text Yele to 501501 to buy Wyclef a new Bentley – As far as I’m concerned, the best journalism to come out of that earthquake in Haiti, even more so than that time Anderson Cooper saved that kid who had already been hit in the head by a brick. I really dug deep on this one.
22) Translating Jesse Stu – A little fun at the expense of some poor douche who was trying to advertise his services as an online ghostwriter: you send him some money via PayPal, and he’ll write you a verse.
23) Five reasons Jay-Z is a member of the Illuminati – One of the girls from the Office blog tried to claim Jay-Z isn’t a member of the Illuminati. Normally, I’d respond with something sexually inappropriate, but this time I took it as an opportunity to educate.
24) The MP3 Blogocaust – Almost as tragic to me, on a personal level, as the real Holocaust. No Mahmoud Ahmedinejad. Google just up and deleted several music blogs from the Internets, without warning, just because they were offering illegal downloads. I thought this was America?
25) We did it again, Brooklyn – My post from the other day about the groundbreaking for the Atlantic Yards project. People seemed to appreciate my insight on the sexual politics of slavery, which I’ll admit mostly comes from my vivid imagination.