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Should hip-hop be taught in school?

I know we’re supposed to pretend to be all butthurt that the Texas Board of Education recently voted to strike all references to hip-hop from its curriculum, but let’s keep it real: we don’t really want our kids going to school to learn about motherfucking rap music, do we?

And by we, I of course mean you. Because I don’t have any kids. Probably my greatest fear, short of something bad happening to my peen, is what might happen to my Yellow Tail consumption, if I were to accidentally get a fat white woman pregnant. Not to let you in on any more than you need to know about me, or what I might be thinking about doing.

Lord knows it took me long enough just to get to the point where I can drink wine on a regular basis. I’m not about to go back to Natural Light, or, god forbid, handles of store-brand Vodka, just so a kid can eat. And that’s just the food. How in the fuck would I go about providing a kid a decent education, in an age when we’re seriously debating whether or not rap music should be taught in schools?

Private school is obviously not an option, for the child of a “professional blogger.” Maybe, if it’s smart enough, it could get a scholarship to a good private school. I went to all public schools, but the district I lived in just so happened to be the best public school district in the country. (I heard it sucks now.) I went to college on a full academic scholarship (for a while, at least), even though I could easily afford it. But there’s no guarantee that my few positive qualities would be passed down to my offspring. After all, my parents go to work every day and make a decent living, and look how I turned out.

I’m at least fortunate enough not to live in motherfucking Texas, but that doesn’t mean any kids of mine would necessarily be immune to the fuckery that’s gone into crafting the curriculum down there. (In addition to replacing all references to hip-hop with references to country music, I heard they also replaced at least one Democratic president with Newt Gingrich, and Thomas Jefferson with some religious figure.) A while back, I read in the Times or somewhere that the curriculum in Texas sets the standard for the rest of the country – not because the rest of the country wants its kids to grow up to be like people from Texas, but because it costs a shedload of money to craft a curriculum. Only a few states can afford to craft their own, and of that few, Texas is deemed to be more along the lines of the rest of the US. So, a lot of the flyover states just teach whatever they’re teaching down in Texas.

I doubt the hip-hop aspect of this in particular would be as much of an issue if they weren’t replacing all of the references to hip-hop with references to country music. Like, if there was one guy who thought there should be a unit on 2Pac (I know a lot of college courses on hip-hop focus on 2Pac), and everyone else thought it was a bad idea, because 2Pac has hardly made any worthwhile contributions to rap music, let alone American culture in general. I could more or less agree with that. But they didn’t just get rid of hip-hop – they had to replace it with country music. Obviously, this is a race issue.

I don’t get why pop music needs to be discussed in K-12 public schools in the first place, but if they’re gonna discuss pop music at all, I’d go with hip-hop over country music – and I say that as someone who drinks in a lot of bars that play country music. All of the best-looking women I know love country music. Hence, I love country music. But what cultural significance does country music have, really? The only thing I can think is that it could be used to teach kids about drinking, which I’ve long been an advocate. It sounds ridonkulous, except when you think that they teach kids how to have sex. Think about how many alcohol-related teen deaths could be prevented, if teens were taught how to drink by someone with years of experience, like yours truly.

I could teach kids a thing or two about rap music, too, but I doubt any of these schools would allow me to. I’ve got a college degree, plus papers stating that I’m smarter than the vast majority of the population, but I’ve spent way too much time researching pr0n for anyone to give me a job that involves being around kids. And therein lies the probably with teaching kids about hip-hop in schools. It’s not gonna be brothers such as myself teaching these classes – it’s gonna be people who don’t know Jack Schitt about hip-hop, or, worse, people who know better but seek to purposely mislead people anyway. Like Noz. Didn’t he once substitute teach? I shudder to think what he may have told those kids.

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