Out for dead presidents

How is it that, with as many crazed, racist cracka-ass crackas as there are in the US these days, the only people I’ve ever heard about getting busted for threatening to kill Barack Obama on the Internets are two black dudes?

I’m sure part of it’s that it takes a special kind of dumbass to think that you can actually get away with some shit like that, in an age when you can hardly fix your fingers to type some shit like that without the government knowing about it. If you’ve got one of those computers with a built-in webcam, homeland security is probably watching you jerk off as we speak. Even if you don’t, they might still be listening in. I read somewhere that they can use your cellphone to eavesdrop on you, even when it’s turned off, and they’ve also got something implanted in the cable boxes. That’s probably the real reason they made everyone either get cable or get one of those digital converter boxes. If I can stream pr0n on my cell phone in the break room at the BGM, where there is no wifi (theoretically, anyway), I’m pretty sure I should be able to watch network TV without an extra box sitting on top of my TV, as if this was 1986.

If someone were really interested in killing the president, the last thing they’d do is mention it on the Internets. They probably wouldn’t even visit any sites that might cause the government to suspect they’d be interested in killing the president, like Infowars, or Sandra Rose (who can’t stand Obama, despite how distinctly black his wife is, at least in terms of appearance), or Pornhub. In other words, more or less the entire contents of my Google Reader.

The apartment I lived in before I got my own house in a shanty town was not too far from where the president would sometimes visit when he was in town. I remember one time Bush Mengele came to town, and the point at which they began blocking the streets was right at the top of my own street. I was headed that way to get a caramel frap or some shit, and I saw where the Secret Service had the street blocked off. I was like, “The fuck?” I couldn’t go anywhere in that direction. I’m not saying this definitely had anything to do with my Internets use. I’m just saying. Even the place where I used to cop my milkshake wasn’t that close to where the president was.

Let me guess: the two black dudes who supposedly threatened to kill Barack Obama on Twitter this past weekend were plants by the Illuminati, which really is planning on assassinating Barack Obama, and blaming it on a black person. The dead giveaway, no pun intended, is the fact that the Secret Service doesn’t really seem to give a shit. They’re said to be investigating both incidents, but you’d think they’d send stormtroopers to these guys’ houses and have them shipped off to Gitmo forthwith, just to send out the message that you can’t say shit like that on Twitter. Even Black People Twitter, which takes place at night, while people who work for a living are asleep. Otherwise, these teabaggers might get the idea that that’s allowed, and they’ll all start doing it, similar to how they all started bringing guns to Obama events in areas where you’re allowed to stand out in the street with a gun, even if the president is nearby, which will make it that much more difficult to find someone who might actually pose a threat to the president. Threatening the president could become one of those things that’s commonplace to the point where it’s hardly illegal – like how no Chinese person has ever properly used a turn signal, and yet you’ve never seen a Chinese person get pulled over by the police.

I figured some shit like this might be going on, back when I heard that that Arab guy and his smoking hot wife managed to sneak into a state dinner at the White House. Like, maybe they were setting us up for another A-rab to sneak into the White House and pull a jihad on Obama, and then they could just claim that the security there wasn’t that good. That one black chick who was the Secretary of Party Decorations or whatever was more concerned with getting free jewelry from Vogue magazine than with making sure all Arabs were cavity searched at the gate, like they do at the airport in Israel. She was recently let go, which I took to mean that they decided against that plan, if there was such a plan in the first place. Don’t be surprised if she randomly turns up dead six months from now, like Vince Foster. They don’t need those secrets getting out. Of course they’ll try to blame it on the cognitive dissonance a black woman would experience from getting fired from her job by a black man, the one time that’s ever happened, even though I think we all know that the natural course of action, if that were the case, would be for her to claim that Obama hit that. I’ve seen some pictures of her and Obama where they look mad close. And technically, it might not be possible to be named Desiree and not be someone’s jumpoff. They better hurry up with that fake suicide!

The new plan, I’m assuming, will have to do with black kids’ growing fascination with the Illuminati – which I’d like to personally take credit for, but I know only but so many black people read my shit. My little brother says the black kids at his school are obsessed with finding out who’s in the Illuminati and who isn’t (the only real consensus seems to be Jay-Z), and they probably can’t even read. A few weeks ago, I ran into that guy Charles Hamilton was stealing beats from at a house party, and he said there’s these hip-hop-themed Illuminati DVDs you can buy in the ghetto. Er, a bit further into the ghetto than where I live. Both of the guys who got busted this weekend seem like they might have seen such a DVD. I couldn’t find a picture of the one who’s supposedly a conservative blogger, but I notice the symbol in his profile pic on Twitter looks like it wouldn’t be out of place in Jay-Z’s video for “On to the Next One.” The other guy, who’s a self-proclaimed hip-hop head, wears a black hoodie with a picture of Marvin the Martian on it, which at the very least lets me know he’s the kind of man who’s easily led astray. Nullus?

  • sealsaa

    “And technically, it might not be possible to be named Desiree and not be someone’s jumpoff.”

    *Golf clap*

  • these posts are racist

    Fuck Racist Apartheid Israel. Free Palestine.

    And Fuck Obama for letting Israel punk him out.

  • che

    When was the last time you posted something that didn’t reference Jay-Z, Bol?

  • giantstepp

    “and they’ve also got something implanted in the cable boxes.”

    Ayo Bol, I swear to god that I was thinking this same shit. If you don’t get a “box”, you dont watch TV, period! And the Govt was giving them shits aways for free.

    “I’m pretty sure I should be able to watch network TV without an extra box sitting on top of my TV, as if this was 1986.”

    I with on this shit Bol!

  • hate

    flawless post bol.

    co-sign tpar also.

    as for the marvin the martian hoodie, y’all prolly already forgot but a few years back lot 29 pressed up madd clothes with cartoon characters on them. every day i’d go to get dutches and the fuckin store would look like a looney tunes convention.
    thank god that trend died off quickly

  • BossGame

    My Man… Excellent! LMBAO!!

  • Neibo

    “Even Black People Twitter, which takes place at night, while people who work for a living are asleep.” Ha, reminds me of Chris Rock’s rant on “Black Mall’s”

  • Pingback: Keurig B3000 Coffee Maker an alternative to a Tassimo Coffee Maker | Coffee Pods -- A Great Way to Start Your Day

  • DV8

    LMAO @ Black People Twitter

    SMH at niggas trying to “Malcolm X” Obama

    crazy times we are in.

  • wow

    why does xxl let idiots blog?

  • latino heat

    good post Bol. too bad it’s not gonna stay up long.

    the part about the Chinese drivers was funny as hell. and if your offended i guess it’s cause the truth hurts.

  • BIGNAT

    fuck black people twitter i don’t even mess with regular twitter. fuck your meeting you on the corner talking to the same niggas you talk to everyday mwhahahhahah

  • rockcity

    “the only people I’ve ever heard about getting busted for threatening to kill Barack Obama on the Internets are two black dudes?”

    I´m pretty sure two white guys got arrested for putting up pictures holding a rifle and stating they were going to kill Obama. Never heard of two black guys though, but I dont live in the US so how would I know, lol?

    And about that Arab sneaking in is F* crazy!! I bet Obama didnt have no protective glas-shield at that party haha!

  • Justice4All

    “Don’t be surprised if she randomly turns up dead six months from now, like Vince Foster.”

    Classic! (Claps while drinking “Rip It”)–Folks come up missing on the regulak when the govenment thinks you are a threat.Remember that girl that was messing with that senator and ended up dead when the affair was about to hit the fan? And he wasn’t even the president, he just knew the president. I think that investigation lasted 9 hours, then it was back to talking about who supports small business tax credits. Amerikkka is currupt and we all turn a deaf ear….until they raise your property tax (unless you live in the ghetto where there is no taxes).

  • Chilly Willy

    “And technically, it might not be possible to be named Desiree and not be someone’s jumpoff.”

    *dies struck by thunderbolt on tin foil hat*

  • Will E. Will

    “Let me guess: the two black dudes who supposedly threatened to kill Barack Obama on Twitter this past weekend were plants by the Illuminati, which really is planning on assassinating Barack Obama, and blaming it on a black person”

    Nigga, the Illuminati put Barack Obama IN office!!

  • Killuminati

    Bol you’ve referenced Rant In E-Minor, so you should know Bill Hicks’s belief on Presidential selections: “they” allow you to be Prez, and only if you step on their toes will you get clapped. And the only President to do that was JFK who got cold feet about going into Vietnam in ’63. Obama isn’t stepping out of line, the dude’s a pussy. He’ll be fine.

  • Pingback: August Hell – 01 – You Were a Dead Teenager from a Car Accident | Accident Attorney Network