Everybody in the club went missing

I thought Guru’s heart attack was a sad reminder of what can happen to artists when they no longer have a viable career, then I heard about J-Kwon, who’s been missing for over a month now. He was supposed to put out an album this month on an independent label no one ever heard of, but they haven’t been able to contact him.

J-Kwon is so insignificant at this point that I only heard about the fact that he’s missing from a link attached to a story about Guru, on AllHipHop. I hadn’t so much as visited AllHipHop in possibly as long as two years now, but I follow one of the guys who works there on Twitter, and I saw where he had an update about how Guru is out of his coma and has issued a statement. Which seemed insane to me, given the fact that Guru was in cardiac arrest and then a coma as recently as Monday, and today is only Wednesday. He had heart surgery yesterday. I’ve taken days off from blogging because of a sprained ankle. I drank an insane amount of alcohol the first two days of this week, due in part to Guru’s health problems, because it’s always tough for me on a personal level when a fellow drunk falls on hard times (or just falls period), and ironically enough, the best way I could think to deal with it was to have a drink or 10. When I read that Guru was out of a coma and issuing statements, I had to do one of those things where you check to see if today really is the day you think it is, and you didn’t somehow manage to lose an entire month, like that time John Lennon moved to California.

I saw, in the sidebar next to Guru’s statement (in which it sounded like he might be salty about Premier issuing statements on his behalf…), where it said that J-Kwon has been missing for over a month, and I was like, the fuck? How could a rapper who had a song that was one of the most popular songs in the country as recently as six years ago be missing for that long without anyone knowing about? That guy Boner Stabone from Growing Pains was missing for all of two days before he started turning up in the news, and he was a bit player on motherfucking Growing Pains. MTV News ran nine stories on Boner Stabone that week they were looking for him, despite the fact that a) that shit didn’t have anything to do with music (okay, perhaps not as much of an issue for MTV these days), and b) no one who watches MTV at this point was even alive back when Growing Pains was on the air. Certainly, at least part of MTV’s viewership these days is familiar with J-Kwon. If it wasn’t for the kind of people who still watch MTV at this point, there wouldn’t be such a thing as a J-Kwon.

Maybe I’m biased, because I’ve been obsessed with J-Kwon for a while now. No homo. J-Kwon hails from my native St. Louis, so of course I heard way more about him than most people, back when his life was still going somewhere. I’d just graduated from college, and my life was going nowhere. When I left, back in 1999, there was hardly such a thing as rap music from St. Louis, and when it blew up, I mostly avoided dealing with it, by virtue of being gone. When I got back, I embarked on a career as a blogger, as opposed to a career in which I made a livable wage, doing meaningful work, and J-Kwon’s ascent, such as it was, made for great fodder. It may have started when I read somewhere where J-Kwon said he used to be homeless, like KRS-One, and he used to sleep at a White Castle, and I could confirm that that definitely wasn’t true, because I was working at a White Castle at the time, and I used to kick bums out for trying to sleep there. Then people, both here in town and via the Internets, started hitting me with tips re: J-Kwon. His baby’s mother must have found my site via Google and emailed me to inform me that he didn’t take care of his kids, of which he had two, at the ripe old age of 17. Then his baby’s mother’s mother, Ms. Jackson, wrote to me about the time she took his baby’s mother down to Atlanta to confront him, and he put a shoe on her. But then I got an email from another chick saying that that wasn’t even J-Kwon, so maybe that’s why he wasn’t taking care of it. Maybe that’s also why he put his shoe on her.

I kid J-Kwon, but I really do feel sorry for him. He was only like 17 at the time, and lord knows I made my share of bad decisions at 27, let alone at that age. I can only imagine how I would have felt, if I found out my baby’s mother was lying about the baby being mine. And he was probably crazy. I seriously doubt that he slept at a White Castle, but I’m willing to believe he really was homeless, and we know – because Malcolm Gladwell once wrote a story about it in the New Yorker – that anyone who’s homeless for more than two days in a row is crazy. One time they tried to give a free apartment to all of the homeless people in Seattle, but they couldn’t get them to sleep in them – just like Jamie Foxx in The Soloist and/or Jay Electronica. Hopefully, he’s just sleeping on an HVAC grate outside the Scottrade Center and walking around during the day talking to himself, and nothing really bad happened to him. That would be tragic, and this has been a hard enough week as it is.

  • 904JacksonvilleFlorida

    Duuuuuval

    • eesco

      hell mutha flippin yeah. DUUUUUUUUUUVVVVVVVAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!!

  • John Cochran

    Funny shit, but all joking aside it may be something really wrong with J Kwon. For one, if he was only 16-17 the city would’ve definietly gave him a place to stay, or you can do like so many other dudes and find a chick to lay up with for a while until you get right. Two, I don’t know too many black men come up missing unless they dead. Especially when he was trying to come back. I know your thing is to make light of even the most horrible situations, but that dude could be dead somewhere. Or just somewhere under a bridge gettin tipsy.

  • sealsaa

    I didn’t know that Boner’s dad played Pavlov Chekov on the 60′s Star Trek series.

  • http://www.mikestreezy.com Mike Streezy

    Man, that’s crazy! I hope dude is allright. IT makes me wonder if he’s really missing or just not messing with that label. They are the only ones trippin’ so everybody else might be good. This could lead to something in the legal department of that label. Who knows. He might just be pissed and not want to put the album out for one reason or another including lack of payment or not enough marketing to keep him from accruing a debt to the label based on contract stipulations and current sales predictions. In that case he may have to repay some of his signing bonus before recording another album from money he has made previously. Just a thought. Click my name and check me out.

  • EReal

    Lmao! Damn! Bol, wtf, you stay throwing ex co workers under the bus.

    Speaking of Ex Coworkers, what happened to that slovenly man child, Billy Sucksgheys?

  • http://n@mb.com No Mames Buey

    why does the the better, or at least less worthless, person always have to get murked?

    Issue #4080 (no John McLaughlin jic): Boner

    Growing Pains “Boner” – dude murked himself. Dude may not have been a world-class actor, but apparently he was a good person whose hobby was fighting for Burma people opressed by the Burma totalitarian government.

    vs.

    John Boner, ReThug House Leader. The guy is an epic douche on any & all levels, from the Fake Tan ala Snooki & Oompa Loompas, to the substance-free diahrea talk about healthcare on Cable News without any coherent thought of his own, just party of no steez. If John Boner murked himself, no one would give an flying fock.

    RIP to Growing Pains Boner [||]

  • The real chris

    Bol u are a fucking clown, this could be serious and yo damn goofy ass clowning around.

  • Ceedat

    *Bumps Hood Hop*

  • hmm

    “I hadn’t so much as visited AllHipHop in possibly as long as two years now, but I follow one of the guys who works there on Twitter”

    What a wasted comedic opportunity for a “no homo.”

  • A GENIUS

    Everybody in the Club Went Missing!… LMAOOO!… the title was funny by itself!…

    Fucked up bout JKwon… he been missing for over a month and Nobody gives a shit YET!… DAM!

  • JAY STONE

    J-kwon was missing since what 2004?

  • latino heat

    one month ago? dudes been missing for 6 years and nobody’s gave a shit.

    all jokes aside, even though i never cared for his music as a human being i hope dude is alright.

  • C’mon On Son…

    Regardless of the fact that J-kwon wasn’t really my cup of tea, this is a serious matter. Guru’s health condition is a serious matter. I don’t think you get it. I liked ur post yesterday about the freshman class of 2010, but this post, and ur insults are very unnecessary, no hate, get your money, I just don’t think Guru, or J Kwon”s career had anything to do with their current situations, I also feel you are in no position to “make Light” of any of these situations. Do you even believe in The Most High? It ain’t any of my business, to be 100. But recently, you’ve been posting some hateful posts. I enjoy reading your blog, prolly the best blogger on here (since Ron Mexico left), but come on fam, have a heart… diss the TI’s not your brothers!!

    Peace

  • El Tico Loco

    That Hood Hop instrumental was crazy tho. Hope he’s found in one piece. I just had a cousin found dead at the begining of last month so that ain’t cool. Just tell me the Outkast reference was a joke and not a coincidence since nowadays nothing surprises me.

  • http://www.bboycult.com $ykotic Don McCaine

    Hopefully J-kwon’s situation plays out like how Mike Streezy wrote it.

    But your too early with the keyboard thought today Bol.

  • http://www.bboycult.com www.bboycult.com

    “One time they tried to give a free apartment to all of the homeless people in Seattle, but they couldn’t get them to sleep in them – just like Jamie Foxx in The Soloist and/or Jay Electronica.”

    yous a gotdam fool!

    lmao!

  • lupe?

    Even though J-Kwon was a one hit wonder and a terribly rapper. I hope he is okay.

  • caino

    Ahh Bol you never disappoint ! great post!

    Tho on the real, how dude is okay, people can’t lie, we were all dancing to the Tipsy track when it came out!

  • http://xxl All Dae

    Shouts to Guru! Get well soon homie. One of the best to have done it period. Shouts to Gang Starr!

    Moment of Truth is in my top five hip hop albums ever…

  • DV8

    “I saw, in the sidebar next to Guru’s statement (in which it sounded like he might be salty about Premier issuing statements on his behalf…)”

    I was thinking the exact same thing. Wonder if Guru and Preme are even on speaking terms?

  • raazi36

    yo what happend to the post about the Video Ho’s ??????????????????

  • raaz36berri

    yo why they remove the post about the video ho’s ???????

  • http://facebook.com/ Hester Miskinis

    hi