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You only get one shot

As much as we complain about politics, how many of us would have the balls to whoop one of these politicians asses, if given the opportunity? Like, what if it was just you and that guy Joe Wilson (who shouted, “You lie!” while Obama was trying to give his health care speech), alone in a dark alley, no homo, with no one within earshot to know you slapped the shit out of him? Would you be able to? It’s a question I often ask myself.

A few weeks ago, the Rev. Fred Phelps, the guy who stands outside funerals of teh ghey guys (who probably died of AIDS) with signs that say God Hates Fags, was scheduled to give a speech at my alma mater, Parkway North High School. He was in town for a Lady Gaga concert (natch), but I guess someone had informed him that North has some well known teh ghey student organization. Which I’m sure many of you will take to mean that I went to a teh ghey high school, but on the contrary, I’m gonna insist that it just goes to show what can happen to an institution once it’s devoid of my influence. I was damn near tempted to hold a protest of my own, but not because I’m some sort of homophobe. If teh ghey kids want to make sweet, passionate love to one another, then so be it. Especially the girls. I’m more concerned with the ostensibly straight kids. Something tells me the manliness quotient at North has been in retrograde for about 10 years now. If I could convince people that I know anything about sports, I might have to volunteer there as an assistant coach, in the afternoons, just to impart some of my wisdom. Maybe I’ll just put up flyers in the commons with my website’s URL.

I thought about going to the Fred Phelps protest and causing some sort of disturbance, both for the sake of journalism, and for my own personal amusement, but I wasn’t sure if that was really a good idea. If this was a few years ago, and I didn’t have a mortgage, and a job where I show up every day, but sometimes my check doesn’t, it would have been a no brainer. At the very least, I would have shown up with a sign that said something insensitive about religion, and probably something sexually inappropriate as well, but I might have even tried to whoop Fred Phelps’ ass. Or one of his kids, if I couldn’t get to the man himself. My sign would have been so offensive that I may have even been able to provoke one of them into attacking me, in which case I could pass it off as a matter of self-defense, like Epic Beard Man. I read just now that no charges are being filed against him. 5-0 must have seen the insta classic video of him knocking Tyrone’s teeth down his throat, after he made the mistake of fucking with him. He must not have been able to read Epic Beard Man’s shirt.

The reason I bring this up, aside from the fact that it’s a Friday, is because I saw just now, over at MTV, where one of the guys from LMFAO got into it with Mitt Romney on an airplane. I’d seen on CNN or somewhere the other day that Mitt Romney had been attacked on an airplane, but they didn’t say it was a celebrity, of sorts. I thought it may have just been a concerned citizen, presented with an opportunity to prevent this country from having a Mormon president – the only upside of which would be being able to have more than one wife, if you could afford, which might be nice, while the potential downsides are far too lengthy and myriad to list here. LMFAO never had a song anyone ever heard (“Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell” was by someone else), but I remember they were front row with Janet ‘nem at that Michael Jackson memorial service – that same one where Peter Rosenberg called Al Sharpton an ambulance chaser. There was speculation that they might be Michael Jackson’s secret kids that no one knew about, but I figured that probably wasn’t true, both because that would have meant Michael Jackson had sex with a woman, and because they seemed a little bit too light skinted. MTV says the one who attacked Mitt Romney’s last name is Gordy, which would lead me to believe that he’s Berry Gordy’s son, or maybe even Rockwell’s son. That would explain how they had the money to be flying first class, with Mitt Romney, despite the fact that no one can even name one of their songs.

Alas, he probably would have put a more effective shoe on Romney, if he’d earned that first class ticket the old fashioned way. In a video over at TMZ, he admits that he didn’t really pull an Ike Turner on Mitt Romney, the way they were making it out in the media. All he did was shout at him. You know how white people stay trying to accuse black people of assault just for yelling at them. Though admittedly, I’m still traumatized by some of the verbal abuse I took from irate black women, when I worked at a White Castle. I might need to see about getting permanent disability, for PTSD. I could collect that and the money I (sometimes) receive from blogging, right? That could be my ticket out of abject poverty once and for all. But I digress. Anyway, you saw what the real did to Perez Hilton. The dreaded n-word, plus the black man’s innate instinct to come to a white woman’s defense, must have awoken his latent Compton tendencies. These fruits LMFAO have no such tendencies. Fortunately for the Mitt Romney’s of the world, they’re probably the only rappers that can afford to fly first class these days.

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