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Two occasions

If you’re one of these bum-ass rappers who would do anything to get mentioned on some guy’s blog, let alone a deal with a major label, it must have chapped your ass to watch LA Reid fly to Belize to sign Shyne for $5 million – and not just because Shyne was dressed like a cross between Pee Wee Herman and Kung Lao from Mortal Kombat.

I remember reading, a few months back, that there was gonna be a big bidding war between the major labels (all 2-3 of them) as soon as Shyne was let go from the pokey.

Shyne of course was originally signed to Bad Boy, back when it was a real label and not just a rubber stamp that won’t even release Diddy’s own album. (Seriously, what kind of shit is that?) That deal must have come to an end once Diddy threw Shyne under a bus by hiring the late, great Stacin Goins to represent him in court, leaving Shyne to be represented by some public defender who didn’t even have the sense to tell him to take off that silly baseball cap. Just because Shyne shot up a club for no apparent reason, thus ruining Diddy’s relationship with Jennifer Lopez, who had a solid two to three years worth of backshots left in her at that point, which ended up going to Ben Affleck. That bastard.

While he was in the joint, Shyne signed a deal with Def Jam to put out that album that consisted of him spitting hot fire over the phone, as if he was Mumia Abu-Jamal doing political commentary for NPR (before racist white people put the kibosh on that), along with a few songs that probably weren’t good enough to be on that album he put out on Bad Boy. Either that deal was a one-off, or Def Jam decided to cut it short once he did Little Brother numbers, back before it was the industry standard.

You’d think these labels would have learned their lesson by now, but no. They probably figured they could at least make some – if not a shedload – of money just based on people’s morbid interest. Rappers’ popularity skyrockets when they get out of prison, even if they were only in the for like six months, for some shit you or I would have been in there for 10 years for, and even if they were kept away from the generation population, who almost certainly would have raped them, if not just to say they did it, then for “their own personal amusement.” I spent six months in a room by myself back before it was all trendy. Where’s my adoration from authentically black people?

Plus, he might say something bad about Diddy. You know Shyne, for all of his trying to look smart on TV, probably still holds Diddy responsible for him being the only rapper who actually did have to go to jail for 10 years, even though I’d say that sentence was just about right for the kind of stupid shit he did. I heard Bad Boy was the one label he wouldn’t even consider signing to once his feet touched ground – even though that may have been in part a vote of no confidence in Diddy’s ability to make money in the music business. Diddy seems more vulnerable, and hence ripe for lulz, than ever these days, what with his son having a Hawaiian Silky and getting turned down by Nicki Minaj (who has Minaj in her name, fer chrissakes), not to mention the sad state of affairs at Bad Boy Records. Ahem, “Entertainment.” If Shyne needs something to say about Diddy, he needs only to holler at your boy. I would demand very little of that $5 million – via PayPal. They’ve got the Internets in Belize, right?

One problem though. Shyne can’t rap for shit these days. Or so I’ve heard. I never did get around to listening to that song he did with DJ Khaled, which wasn’t quite good enough to be on a DJ Khaled album, but I heard it sucks balls. (Somewhere, Ace Hood’s self-esteem just went up a notch.) Just now, I went to conduct my standard five minutes worth of research for this post, and I read where there might be some sort of conspiracy to cover it up. Maybe LA Reid gave DJ Khaled some of that A-rab money to pretend it doesn’t exists… but not before it hit the Internets. When it did, there was talk that Def Jam (and anyone else with the sense god gave geese) might have to rescind their offer, but they’re probably not as concerned with putting out a good rap album as their are about cashing in on a news story.

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