In praise of waiting until the coast is clear

You know I don’t do this, but… props to Dr. Dre for being kind of a pussy. No homo.

I read the other day that he’s suing Death Row for something like 13 years worth of back royalties on The Chronic, and you know good and well he never would have done that shit, if it hadn’t been bought by some white woman from Canada.

If Suge Knight were still at the helm, he probably would have been like, fuck it. He’s got a shedload of money; why run the risk of being the next 2Pac? Even though Dr. Dre could probably whoop Suge Knight’s ass these days. Suge Knight always was kinda built like a high capacity water heater, but you assumed that was mostly muscle. He played football at UNLV, then he tried out for the Rams, back before they moved to St. Louis. Then he was Bobby Brown’s bodyguard – and you know he had to be a fucking hoss to look after Bobby Brown, back when he was banging dudes’ girlfriends and going to buy coke like it was going out of style. But that was a long-ass time ago. I knew Suge Knight had seen better days, when Nick Broomfield went to interview him in prison, for the great Biggie and Tupac, and he was hobbling around the yard with a cane, like an old-ass man. Obviously, he couldn’t have been working out much, if he could barely walk. It’s a wonder he finished his sentence without getting effed in the a. Or did he? Maybe that’s how his leg got messed up: he ran into Fleece “Booty Warrior” Johnson, and he chose to do things the hard way, rather than the easy way.

It’s a well known fact that once a man reaches a certain age, he’s basically useless in a fight, because he can easily be taken out at the knees. It’s because human beings were only designed to live to be like, 40 years old. Through the miracle of modern medicine, we’re now living way longer than our bodies were designed for. That’s why a woman, at least in terms of her appearance (which is not as important as her personality), peaks in her late teens and is hardly worth a shit by the time she’s 30. When I was in high school, I had this wrestling coach who thought he was kind of a badass, and who knows, he may have been, back in the 1970s. He’d try to bust a move on one of us teenagers (no Boutros), and his knee would slip out of place, and we’d have to stop practice for like 15 minutes so he could walk it off. It’s something I’ve always kept in mind, in case I had to beat up an old man.

Dr. Dre is just as old as Suge Knight, if not older, but he’s been hitting the gym. I don’t know if he’s planning on posing for the cover of Detox with his shirt off, or what. You know how guys get when they start to reach middle age. Part of it’s that, if you spent your 20s constantly celebrating for no apparent reason, like I have, and like I’m sure Dr. Dre did, you realize you could fuck around and drop dead in your 40s, but I’m sure part of it’s just about getting some stank. By the time you get to be 26, let alone 46, girls your age just don’t put you in the mood necessary for love-making. All of the best ones were snatched up by the time they were like, 22, and even they don’t look like they used – though, if given an opportunity, you’d still hit it, for purposes of “closure.” You’re gonna have to start hollering at girls who weren’t born when you were in college, which I’m sure is a lot easier when you don’t look like someone’s grandpa.

But not completely necessary. When I was in my early 20s, I saw a movie that gave me hope that one day I might be able to achieve a level of success with women commensurate with my blogging ability, i.e. higher than a motherfucker. It was a documentary about Charles Bukowski. People with a hip-hop head’s sense of cultural literacy might be familiar with him from the references to him on the last MF Doom album. He always had real bad acne, and he could only get with the sorriest of women. (Could that be why Doom wears that mask?) He worked at a post office and wrote novels (and poetry, nullus) his entire life, but his career didn’t start to take off until he was like retirement age. Then he started fucking. Constantly. Day in and day out there was a stream of skanks in and out of his front door. Then his wife tried to call him on it in some weird TV interview, and he slapped the shit out of her. Then he died.

Aside from a relationship strategy, what I took from that movie was an appreciation for the concept of delayed gratification, which is often lost on the black community in general, let alone the hip-hop community in particular. It’s the rare occasion when you see one of these rappers make a smart decision that pays out in the long run, rather than a dumb decision that pays out right away. Dr. Dre could have gone to Suge Knight and demanded his publishing from The Chronic back in 1996, but Suge Knight probably would have beaten the crap out of him and dangled him from a 14th floor balcony. I heard he also used to make people drink cups of piss, like JD Salinger. (Eww!) Instead, Dr. Dre waited until the point when Suge Knight doesn’t own Death Row anymore anyway, and even if he did, Dr. Dre could easily cold cock him, like Akon’s weed carrier and that guy Greg the Barber. If I were Dr. Dre, I’d also bang his wife, on GP, even if I wasn’t really interested.

  • http://www.plasticsquirtguns.blogspot.com thoreauly77/ian

    first.

  • http://www.plasticsquirtguns.blogspot.com thoreauly77/ian

    the whole post was worth it for just the bukowski reference. and, and buk didnt just slap her, he also literally kicked her, and then went back to drinking his wine and smoking his beedie cigarette. last of the american badasses, that guy.

  • sb

    thanks for this post my dude..perfect title and that’s how i feel right now…

  • Worley

    “he ran into Fleece ‘Booty Warrior’ Johnson, and he chose to do things the hard way, rather than the easy way.”

    That’s about the only way to deal with a booty bandit. There is no easy way.

  • sealsaa

    “If I were Dr. Dre, I’d also bang his wife, on GP, even if I wasn’t really interested.”

    It already happened, sort of. They each have a kid by the same woman, that Michel’le chick.

  • Bigjon

    Bol, you are the hip-hop Malcolm Gladwell. Great Drop.

  • TheR879

    Dr. Dre did bang Suge Knights wife but even before Suge, it’s Michel’e.

  • DV8

    Dre suing Death Row now is like DJ Pooh stealing on Deebo and taking his chain back after Deebo was already down for the count. SMH. The money Dre used in court/ lawyer fees is probably more then the money hes suing over. Why doesnt he put more energy behind dropping Detox then suing for what is chump change for him?

  • crimson

    Suge Knight made JD Salinger drink a cup of piss? What a phony.

    • cmoney91

      RIP J.D.(no janet)Salinger

  • Braille

    That comment was almost as funny as this post^^ lol…this post was brilliant lol

  • TheASucksLiterally

    Atlanta is full of SODOMITES!!!!!!

  • TheASucksLiterally

    Atlanta is full of SODOMITES!

  • cmoney91

    Yeah it is wise to wait to get ur stuff back from Suge and it is funny about your wrestling coach,he is sorta like a crazy drunk uncle at a family reunion…Good post Bol keep it up

  • LMAO

    @TheAsucks…The term is most frequently applied to anal intercourse between two men or to sexual relations between people and animals.<–LMAO @ ur homo “SODOMITE” lovin’ ass!!! STFU, this is XXL not I regret sleeping with a tranny in the “A” n now I wanna vent…GTFOH!! LMAO.

    • Justice4All

      Actually, you are correct in saying that it’s the act between two men having “sexual relations” I.E. being a sodomite. However, I am expressing the fact that the “A” is full of those disgusting switches.

    • http://grindoutbeats.com BlackBoy

      …actually the word for the act is “sodomy”.

      a “sodomite” is referring to the person committing the act.

      just throwing that out there, not that it’s reeaaallly that important. and of course….. (do I really have to even say it?.)

      • Justice4All

        Right, So…..To say a particular area is full of persons that partake in said “Sodomy”, is to say they (meaning various people) are SODOMITES!

  • gerald n. the birdman

    Bukowski is the fucking man!

  • http://www.jamal7mile.blogspot.com Jamal7Mile

    Fleece “Booty Warrior” Johnson has got to be the nastiest, craziest motherfucker out there. Why hasn’t someone killed him yet?

    Dre been got even with Suge simply by being successful in the music and business world. Not only did Karma kick Suge straight in his ass, she came back for seconds and thirds. In fact, where is Suge?

  • sealsaa

    “Fleece “Booty Warrior” Johnson has got to be the nastiest, craziest motherfucker out there. Why hasn’t someone killed him yet?”

    A. Because he’s a WARRIOR.

    B. Because no one wants to tempt fate by losing a fight with him, and getting knocked the fuck out and effed in the A in the process.

    • http://www.jamal7mile.blogspot.com Jamal7Mile

      LMAO!!!

    • yoprince

      LMFAO

    • eesco

      LMFAO!!!!!

      • http://daily-math.com Combat Jack

        LMFAO

  • PDX DOE

    My edumacated guess is the reason that Dre is going to file a civil lawsuit is that Death Row ain’t got nothing but back catalog music that ain’t even close to selling like it once did. That means they really aint worth shit in terms of real sales revenue. Plus that lady bought the company at the height of the last economic bubble for 24 mili and believe me the DR stock ain’t gone up. You seen home values lately compared to 2008?

    If he wins the lawsuit he might end up owning that MoFo for really real which means he owns all the music. Yeah Bol he got a shedload of money but just like any rich man in middle age he wants to have a little red sportscar called Death Row Records in his garage. Did I mention Dre is illuminati>>>That was for all you Jay-Z conspiracy theorists. Yeah I said t-h-e-o-r-i-s-t-s but I meant bizznatches.

    Bol you killing me as usual…I was thinking bout how I punched the shit out my stepdad when I was 16 after that fool made the mistake of pushing me. And that old spunker had two hip replacements! Word to smacking down old and decrepit shit talkers. Keep em in check like Scotty Scorch needs to check that junk food habit (see page 73 of XXL March 2010).

    Bol you got the crown on this XXL blog game son! HIt me back father (no homo…haha)!

    • Joe Morgan jr.

      Very good point.If history repeats itself (it does) Some time in the future the Death Row catalog is going to be very valuable. Just for samples alone. As most cats remember the two most succesful lables in the 90′s used old samples in crafting there hits. Bad Boy using many old pop samples and a lage part of the Chronic album is George Clinton and the Funkadelics. Seems like he’s making his claim now so in 20 years he can collect some more checks.

  • BIGNAT

    “It’s a wonder he finished his sentence without getting effed in the a. Or did he? Maybe that’s how his leg got messed up: he ran into Fleece “Booty Warrior” Johnson, and he chose to do things the hard way, rather than the easy way.”

    “If I were Dr. Dre, I’d also bang his wife, on GP, even if I wasn’t really interested.”

    man bol you killing it keeping the lights on over here. get killer mike to do a regular blog and you guys will back in business.

  • Brooklyn

    yeah, suge ain’t shit no more. wasn’t there footage on tmz some time ago where he got cold cocked by some teenage nigga? and shit, i didn’t even know death row still existed.

  • http://Daily-Math.com Combat Jack

    True story, my boy was the one who was forced to drank a cup full of piss, as he was getting beat in the head by an empty champagne bottled wielded by the late Tupac, as Suge ordered the beat down from afar. Too bad I can’t ever tell that story, unless my boy dies, then that’ll mos def be a post in the Daily Math.

  • sealsaa

    ^^^I remember reading a version of the story in that cop Russell Poole’s book on the Rampart scandal. Guy’s name was Andre H-something(Harell?). Props for not embarassing your boy(or should I say, causing him any further embarassment), but anyone who’s ever read that book already has a grasp of the situation.

    • DV8

      I dont think it was Andre Harrel but if it was then that puts some things in perspective. Pac beating him with said champagne bottle would be some payback for the Quad shooting. BTW I heard a certain legendary producer/ musician with long arms and long money (not hiphop) had some involvement in the “situation”.

  • sealsaa

    ^And Tupac’s envolvement in the situation, i.e. participating in a group beating on one guy at Suge Knight’s behest just goes to show what a sorry ass bitch he was.

  • Brooklyn

    my question is, whose piss was it?

  • sealsaa

    ^From what I remember reading, it was Suge’s. He pissed in an empty Champagne bottle and threatened to make the guy drink it in an attempt to get the guy to give him the addresses of Puff and his family.

    • Brooklyn

      damn, that’s fucking nasty. real talk, them niggas would’ve had to kill me, i ain’t drinking my own piss, let alone some other nigga’s piss. and that tupac thing was a straight bitch move, hit the nigga in the head because you got your own personal reason, not because some other nigga says,
      “ay yo, bust that dude upside the head.”

      • http://daily-math.com Combat Jack

        It wasn’t Andre Harell, and it is in that book, but not the whole story. I think it was Suge’s piss. And ‘Pac was tryna come up on Puff’s MOM’s address. That’s why I can’t ever respect dude, alive or dead. And to the cat that said he’d never drank piss juice. I guess you never got smacked upside your head with a champagne bottle (Moet?). Them things don’t ever break, but the glass makes the impact sting that much more. Plus, dude wasn’t no punk, but a real street dude with “alleged” bodies to his name.

        I’d be like, “can you at least throw some ice cubes in that bitch?”

  • nicholasdelorejo

    I gotta disagree with you on the lost gratification of hip-hop now. I think these days a lot of rappers are playing it safe and keeping their shit together. I read somewhere that Nick Cannon is producing some movie for Nickelodeon. That may not sound much but it I can’t help but wonder if this went along with his reasoning for being suck a bitch when he went at Em over their beef. It’s not like Cannon couldn’t have gone harder and went at Em’s previous weight gain, his mother, drug abuse, flops from G-unit, or his daughter in order to get real nasty. But he chose to present himself as taking the high road. That may not sound victorious to us but the alternative would have fucked up dude’s ability to achieve that Wayne Brady/ Will Smith friendly negro cross-over appeal. It’s not like he had a career in the movies or rap to fall back on.

    Jay-z might be the king of delaying gratification. I’m sure Jay was pissed at Dame long before the split. Maybe when Camron became Vice president or before that. But he knew that talking shit or doing anything reckless probably would have left him in the same predicament as countless other rappers who got pissed at their boss and chose the leave a great situation (young Buck). But he waited until he became a prized gem of the major executive before he went dirty on Dame.

    Jay’s now arguably the king of hip hop (competing with Em) and he doesn’t give a shit about it enough to adress complaints from rappers he left behind. Beans is still dissing Jay and what has that left him: out of a label and considered a loser and pawn in 50′s marketing plan for BISD. If only Nelly hadn’t made Tip Drill. If that song and video never existed Nelly would still have his career and the ladies wouldn’t even noticed a Canadian rapper who once stared in a teen soap opera.

    • NotoriousAGC

      LMAO @ “if only Nelly hadn’t made Tip Drill”

      im sorry homie, it just sounds funny how hurt you sound on that comment…

    • PDX DOE

      ^^^ Are you, my eloquent broheezee, on the right blog??? I know you one of them illuminati t-h-e-o-r-i-s-t-s…but I meant homosapiens (no homo except in the biological sense…and yes I said b-i-o-l-o-g-i-c-a-l).

    • DV8

      Dame naming Cam VP was one of the straws that made the camel snap. It was already in progress before that. Remember the Carter Faculty. The S. Dots (with mixtape) etc.

  • NotoriousAGC

    The Best Rap producer of ALL-TIME is finally getting his due from Death Row

  • latino heat

    great stuff, Bol. i had never really thought about the fact that we are supposed to die in our 40′s. and we are being kept alive longer then God ever intended due to man made medicines. no wonder old people start literally falling apart in their 40′s and beyond. God didn’t design the human body to last this long.

    from top to bottom, good food for thought today Bol.

  • caino

    Another classic Blog!! (l’m telling you man, put these posts in a book and sell for xmas, you wil make $$$$)

    Anyhow , shit is Suge even around now? maybe we need another celebrity boxing match, Dre vs Suge with the winner getting Death Row’s back catalogue!

  • General

    Great post Bol, but I think alot of people are missing the point of why he is suing Death Row now. It really has nothing to do with Suge, he has already been to court with Suge and Death Row in the past. This suit is based on the fact that when this Canadian lady bought/took over Death Row she promised to change the image of Death Row and made all these great statements about how she looked forward to working with the past Death Row artists and would ensure that they were paid their royalties unlike in the past…

    Well, guess what, shit doesn’t change. Here we are a year later and wouldn’t you know it, they haven’t paid Dre a dime thats owed him off the re release of The Chronic and other Dre produced material. The suit is simply letting the new owners know they better follow through on their promises…

    Of course this is the same lady that said Crooked I would be releasing his next album through Death Row without checking with Crooked I, lol