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Hold your head in the pokey, Lil Wayne

The song “Rikers Island” by Kool G Rap was like the hip-hop equivalent of that movie Scared Straight. It may have actually caused a few kids in New York to think twice about committing a crime, if only because they didn’t want to end up getting fucked in the ass (made humble). But that was 20 years ago. (No, really, it was.) Should Lil Wayne be worried about the one year bid he’s set to begin there today?

We know, because the guy who invented the Hip-Hop Police said so on MTV, that Lil Wayne will be receiving preferential treatment. Rikers Island, a legendary shithole (just like my humble abode), doesn’t have a special wing for celebrities, or guys who have been known to kiss other guys on the lips, but they’re probably gonna keep Lil Wayne in lockdown, and have a supervisor accompany him when he has to be in the main area, lest someone try to test him for his fruit cocktail, like in Half Baked.

But I’m still not sure how safe I’d feel in the joint, just because I had a cell to myself and a chaperon to escort me to the cafeteria, as if I was in the second grade. We’ve all seen those pictures of prison guards asleep on the job, as if they did too many Jagerbombs at a house party – which can get paynas drawn on a guy’s face with a sharpie, like in the movie Garden State. I shudder to think what it might get you in prison. Lil Wayne’s fellow inmates might not like the idea of him getting a room to himself, and his own personal security detail. He’ll be looked after more often than not, but it wouldn’t take very long for some in a gray skull cap to bend him over a chair in the library.

As the saying goes, where there’s a will, there’s the possibility of a vicious anal rape.

You’d think the guys in Rikers Island would want to do something bad to Lil Wayne, if only to make an example out of him. The fact that they’re in jail would lead me to believe that they might be fans of his music, but they can’t just have people thinking a guy like Lil Wayne can do a year on Rikers Island and walk out unscathed. Or can they? The reason I ask is because the traditional idea of what constitutes a badass seems to be falling by the wayside, along with baggy jeans and good rap music. There was a time when pretending to be a member of the bloods could get you shot. Like 2Pac. And obviously that time has long since passed. Gangs have gotten so soft that I’m thinking about joining the Crips just for the exercise. Maybe I’ll start my own set. I wouldn’t want to fuck around and end up in a gang with any actual criminals. There’s a lot of expensive shit in my house.

Plus, there’s the fact that New York has gotten so soft. If you just have to do a year in jail, to boost your street cred, or because you lack the sense god gave geese, Rikers Island might actually be the best place for you. The other day I saw a list of the most dangerous cities in America, and New York wasn’t anywhere on it. The top cities were all shitty Midwestern cities, like Detroit and my native STL. And jails on the West Coast might be even worse, because they’ve got all of those hispanic gang members, and those hispanic gang members, and those hispanic gang members don’t play. I heard Arnold Schwarzenegger was thinking about sending them all back to Mexico. Which would seem like a good idea, except it’s only a mattter of time before they all find their way back. And by a matter of time, I mean a matter of hours.

Oddly enough, the same bullshit policy that got Lil Wayne sent up in the first place might be his saving grace in the pokey. I finally got around to further research his case just now, because they had a little something on MTV, and come to find out the reason Lil Wayne plead guilty is because the gun laws in New York are such bullshit. The gun they found on his bus was registered to his manager, and his lawyers really did consider the money shot defense I suggested the other day, but the thing is, if they lost, Wayne would have been sent up for 15 years or something ridonkulous like that. Whereas, if you got caught with a gun here in the STL, 5-0 would have checked your pockets to make sure you didn’t have any cash on you and sent you on your merry way. We basically have no law here. That’s why we’re so badass. New York, on the other hand? Not so much.

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