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Ain’t no nigga like Jay-Z

Just my thoughts on this new song by Foxy Brown in which she reveals that she and Jay-Z were once lovers.

Here comes the pain:

1) I’ll admit, I’m a little bit jealous of Jay-Z.

Foxy Brown might be my favorite black chick evar, if only because I don’t keep a list of black chicks I like. Foxy Brown’s prime just so happened to coincide with my formative years, in the late ’90s. I knew a few black chicks back then, but not very many of them, and so the law of averages didn’t really work out in their favor. One of the reasons black women stay losing in this country comes down to a simple matter of demographics. If you grow up around nothing but black women, the most attractive woman you know will be a black woman, and so that will be your idea of a beautiful woman. As an adult, you’ll be that guy who goes on the comments sections of blogs talking about how white women’s asses aren’t big enough, if you have the Internets at all. But if you know, say, 10 black women and 100 white women, chances are you’re gonna know way more attractive white women than black women, and you’re that much more likely to meet an especially attractive white women, whom you’ll be in love with the rest of your life, because that’s how things tend to work. Foxy Brown might have been the most attractive black woman I “knew” in my formative years, and I’m not gonna lie – I spent some quality time with the cover to Ill Na Na, which I’ll admit I copped on CD. I’m even kinda tempted to dig it up, for old time’s sake.

2) So, “Ain’t No Nigga” was a true story.

Now it all makes sense: Jay-Z was the hip-hop version of Wooderson from Dazed and Confused. You know, that guy who’s like 26, who shows up to the high school right when school gets out, in a nice car, in an effort to have sex with the kind of girl who will have sex with a guy who’s 26 and still preys on high school girls, because he has a nice car. Not to knock a fellow player for getting in where he fits in. I’ll admit, I’d probably do some shit like that, too, if I could block out the part of my brain that knows how sad it is for a man to resort to some shit like that to get some stank on his hanglow, and that I could possibly go to jail for it. And if I had a nice car. Like Jay-Z. The reason we now know that “Ain’t No Nigga” was a true story about how the 26 year-old Jay-Z came to have sex with the 17 year-old Foxy Brown – the smoking gun, if you will – is because, in the very first verse, he talks about how he’d let Foxy Brown drive his Lexus, if she let him drop a load (arggh!) on her belly. We know Jay-Z used to drive a Lexus, because someone once mentioned it in one of those making of the album features in XXL.

3) The little homey couldn’t get a piece?

Notice how Fox makes it a point to note that she didn’t have sex Nas, AZ, or Rick Ross. That must be especially disheartening for Nas. AZ isn’t important enough for it to matter that a woman didn’t have sex. The closest thing he had to a hit wasn’t a hit perse, and it came out like 15 years. And I can’t tell his last five or six Koch Graveyard releases apart from one another. For Foxy Brown to mention in a song how she never had sex with him is almost like her mentioning how she’s never had sex with me. We’ve probably been in XXL the same amount of times. If anything, AZ should be flattered to be included in such company. Then there’s Rick Ross. His career right now is doing better than Nas, AZ and Foxy Brown’s careers put together, but he’s always gonna be a disgusting fat guy. Even if he does get a shedload of stank, there’s always gonna be the thought in the back of his mind that none of them enjoyed. It’s like that Ron Jeremy documentary in which numerous women he’s had his way with talk about how awful an experience. You can tell that kinda hurt his feelings. But not enough to make him hit a treadmill. Could Nas have banged Foxy Brown, back in the Firm days? He may not have wanted to, but I bet now he kinda wishes he did, just so he could say he did it. It’s bad enough Jay-Z banged his baby’s mother, now he’s got something else to hold over his head.

4) The two of them should just fuck and get it over with.

Jay-Z and Foxy Brown, I mean. Not Jay-Z and Nas. I’m not against two guys being allowed to fuck each other in the ass (make each other humble), if that’s what they want to do, but I’d have to draw the line at Nas and Jay-Z. That would almost be worse than what happened to Biggie and 2Pac. If that makes me a homophobe than so be it. But as far as Jay-Z and Foxy Brown… Clearly, she still has a thing for him. You can tell, because she didn’t really dis him, other than the fact that putting all of his business out in the street might be throwing him under the bus. Beyonce might be a little bit upset, especially if this seems to fall into any pattern she’s noticed. But I wouldn’t worry, if I were Jay-Z. She’s not that smart. Lil Kim, on the other hand, wasn’t quite as fortunate. The shit Fox said about her face seems especially harsh, given how fucked the fuck up it looks. That’s almost like making fun of someone with a hair lip and a cleft palate. Except, I guess Lil Kim brought her deformity on herself. If she had cans like Foxy Brown’s, would she have done that to her face? Nah, right? Damn. Which leads me to believe that Foxy Brown could have come up with something worse to say about Jay-Z other than that they used to be lovers. She must be holding out hope that one day the two of them could get together and rekindle their flame. You know how women get around Valentines Day. Maybe Jay should send her a card.

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