Who’s more black, Oprah or Jay-Z?

From the Jay-Z article in the new issue of Esquire, with my future ex-wife on the cover:

But there is a deeper significance — a racial philanthropy — that perhaps neither [Jay-Z nor his enabler Steve Stoute] intended. Jay-Z is black black. He is old-school double-dark-chocolate-chunk black. He is black the way Labatt is blue. He is not white black, Barack black, like our president. Or the kind of black that doesn’t curse and deplores the n-word, the genteel black, like Oprah. He is, arguably, the first black-black guy to cross over into Oprah-land and Bill Clintonworld without making the Oprah-sized no-look-back forward flip that means you’re selling not necessarily your soul but perhaps something fleshier, a little more external.

The author suggests that Jay-Z’s phenomenal (business) success is significant in part because he’s more authentically black than other uber successful blacks, like Oprah Winfrey. But is Jay-Z really blacker than Oprah Winfrey?

The case for Jay-Z being blacker than Oprah:

1) Jay-Z is from the Marcy Projects.

Oprah Winfrey was born into abject poverty in rural Mississippi, but she’s an old-ass woman. That was back when all black people were born into abject poverty in rural Mississippi. Jay-Z is no spring chicken himself, but he was born into a time when black people who had the sense god gave geese had already begun to escape the projects, thus setting the stage for the crack era. I’m not gonna lie – I’ve driven past the Marcy Projects (on the way to sniff some blow in Williamsburg, natch), and they didn’t look that dangerous to me. Would I have gotten out of the car and taken a foot tour? Obviously not. I’m just saying. But I can only imagine what it was like back in the 1980s.

2) Jay-Z used to sell crack.

Remember when your parents told you that if you sold crack you wouldn’t amount to shit? No but really, I dutifully avoided selling, unless I just so happened to have a shitty dimebag that one of the kids at my job wanted, and all I’ve got is this buskit. Jay-Z used to sell crack as if it was going out of style, and now everyone just pretends as if he didn’t. When Jay was moving weight, back in ’88, Ronald Reagan was on TV showing off a bag of crack he supposedly bought down the street from the White House, but he probably just had delivered to him by the CIA. Now, Jay-Z has been known to kick it with Bill Clinton, at the barbecue restaurant, which probably isn’t as good as the barbecue restaurant where I used to work.

3) Jay-Z has daddy issues.

People who actually grew up with their fathers, i.e. most white people and maybe 10 black people, hardly have any memories of meaningful interaction with them, despite the fact that they lived under the same roof for upwards of 20 years, if not longer than that for some of us sorry sacks of shit. Jay-Z’s father walked out on him like a showing of The Inkwell, and he can’t shut the fuck up talking about it, as if he actually missed something. People who work for a living were paying the rent anyway, so if anything, Jay-Z’s father leaving the house just freed up some space. Blaming your absent father for your own personal failings is arguably the quintessential black behavior.

The case for Oprah being blacker than Jay-Z:

1) Oprah never has been able to get her weight under control.

All that money for private chefs, personal trainers and what have you, and Oprah still can’t keep her body in decent shape. That’s a black woman for you. I remember watching Oprah once, a long, long time ago, after one of those time when she’d gotten skinny. She was talking about how she’d go on emotional eating binges, like Luther Vandross. Something would upset her, and she’d just go to town. But you have to think at least part of it had to do with what she was eating. You can’t get that fat just eating arugula, and other shit rich people eat. It’s the same concept as trying to get drunk off of beer – you’d fill up before you did any real damage. Luther Vandross had the infamous Luther Burger. If I had to guess, I’d say Oprah is a big fan of fried chicken.

2) Oprah used to smoke crack.

One of the few other times I’ve seen Oprah was that time she admitted to being and ex- (?) crackhead. My mom told me about that shit, and a friend of mine and I rushed home from school to check it out. Oprah claims that some guy she was with forced her to do it, Rick James-style, but later I read that she was the one who introduced him to crack. As if it matters. The important thing is that Oprah Winfrey had the money to do drugs other than crack, but she opted for crack. Oprah Winfrey has been the host of her own talk show since the early ’80s, and she was the anchor of the evening news or some shit before that. Her show went into syndication in the mid ’80s, and you know what that mean. Mo’ money, mo’ problems.

3) Oprah Winfrey is 55 years old and has never been married.

What’s more black than a woman with a shedload of money who can’t find a man? And I do mean a shedload. I checked the world’s most accurate encyclopedia just now, in researching this post, and it says she’s worth $2.3 billion. Her salary is supposedly $385 million. She probably makes more money in a minute than I’ll make in my entire life. If Oprah Winfrey woke up with Jay-Z’s money, she’d jump out a window. And yet, Oprah Winfrey remains single. Yeah, there’s that guy Stedman, but he’s obviously on the DL. She just pretends that’s her boyfriend, because white people don’t like the idea of famous people who aren’t in relationships. Supposedly, that’s why Tiger Woods’ handlers made him marry his nanny, when he obviously wasn’t ready to settle down. Oprah would have just found a guy to marry, if only she could. Meanwhile, when’s the last time you heard of a white woman with $2.3 billion who had to take up with a closet case, just so it would look like she could find someone to be with? I rest on your face.

Conclusion: Oprah is clearly blacker than Jay-Z, amirite?

  • General

    And the winner is….NEITHER

    Rod Blagojevich is blacker than both…

  • Worley

    “when’s the last time you heard of a white woman with $2.3 billion who had to take up with a closet case”

    Leona Helmsley and Liza Minnelli come to mind. Then again, Liza does not have billions but you get the point.

    • SbuJah

      Liza manelli has been married and divorced 4x…

  • John Cochran

    “What’s more black than a woman with a shedload of money who can’t find a man?” Classic. You killin em in the new year. We all know how black women deal with having money, we all saw Mary J’s left hook. A broke bitch would never get out of line like that, they need you to take em back home. The truth is overall, once you got money in the 100 millions, you’re color is green. Neither of them are very “‘black” in terms of culture anymore. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

    • valdez

      ^^how u figure that ain’t nothing wrong with essentially selling out & forgetting where u came from. we all know gayz don’t be in marcy. can’t really blame him. he prolly wouldn’t last 5 minutes, LMAO!!

      at the end of the day, neither of them are very black at all anymore. but gayz is obviously at least a little blacker. oprah ain’t been black since graduating from howard u.

  • JAY STONE

    This post is pointless and stupid

  • mech1

    I’m white as hell, and given the chance, I’d rob ‘em both at gun point.

  • El Tico Loco

    They both Black what are you talkin about?
    Oprah just needs her nigga wake up call(Mooney boy), on the other hand Jay Z still makes his money off black people wallets. If they were the last negroes on earth left Jay would go broke from lack of consumers and Oprah would still be rich but making Jay Z money.

  • frow

    “This post is pointless and stupid”

    mane shut the fuck up!!! that shit was funny as hell jay-z is a whinney bitch he had the same childhood damn near 95 % of everyother rapper had and you dont hear them complanin,at the level he does n he got mad money n beyonce
    Oprah is def. blacker then jay-z
    good post

  • SOUTHSIDE A-TOWN

    “…back in ‘88, Ronald Reagan was on TV showing off a bag of crack he supposedly bought down the street from the White House, but he probably just had delivered to him by the CIA.”
    ^^good shit. LOL.

    co-sign John Cochran.

  • sealsaa

    “Jay-Z used to sell crack.”

    “Oprah used to smoke crack.”

    Hrrmmm…

    Conspiracy theory: I bet he sold her an eight-ball back in the day, and to keep him quiet, he was allowed to appear on her show.

  • sealsaa

    ^And I thought Jay sold coke. 50 sold crack.

  • 3rd eye clear

    Bol!! you going in…and I know this post is coming down!!

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

    “[...]Blaming your absent father for your own personal failings is arguably the quintessential black behavior.”

    ^^I credit my father, who I’ve had a great life-long relationship, for all of my successes. Cngrats Jay, you’re blacker than Tony Grands.

    *sits back & thinks about the thousands of happy memories I have of me growing up with him under the same roof*

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

    Jigga loses points because he won’t grow a mustache. You can’t trust a Black man without one. Oprah awkwardly gains the leverage there, because hers is just bleached very well. Don’t believe, watch her on an HDtv. Whiskers mayne, like the nurse on ‘Everybody Hates Chris.’

    The one true measurement of their blactivity should be based on their primary weed carrier: Gayle vs Bleek.

    Gayle runs ‘O’ magazine, so while she’s not making Oprah dough, best believe she’s higher on the hog than Steadman, who actually has a mustache.

    Bleek, well, Bleek is still waiting, probably still hanging in Marcy, defending Jay’s honor over 40′s, dice games & Popeye’s $2 specials.

    Winner: Bleek. By default, Jay.

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

    Jigga loses points because he won’t grow a mustache. You can’t trust a Black man without one. Oprah awkwardly gains the leverage there, because hers is just bleached very well. Don’t believe, watch her on an HDtv. Whiskers mayne, like the nurse on ‘Everybody Hates Chris.’

    The one true measurement of their blactivity should be based on their primary weed (or crack) carrier: Gayle vs Bleek.

    Gayle runs ‘O’ magazine, so while she’s not making Oprah dough, best believe she’s higher on the hog than Steadman, who actually has a mustache.

    Bleek, well, Bleek is still waiting, probably still hanging in Marcy, defending Jay’s honor over 40′s, dice games & Popeye’s $2 specials.

    Winner: Bleek. By default, Jay.

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

    Jigga loses points because he won’t grow a mustache. You can’t trust a Black man without one. Oprah awkwardly gains the leverage there, because hers is just bleached very well. Don’t believe, watch her on an HDtv. Whiskers mayne, like the nurse on ‘Everybody Hates Chris.’

    The one true measurement of their blactivity should be based on their primary weed (or crack) carrier: Gayle vs Bleek.

    Gayle runs ‘O’ magazine, so while she’s not making Oprah dough, best believe she’s higher on the hog than Steadman, who actually has a mustache.

    Bleek, well, Bleek is still waiting, probably still hanging in Marcy, defending Jay’s honor over 40′s, dice games & Popeye’s $2 specials.

    Winner: Bleek. By default, Jay.

  • El Tico Loco

    Oprah is blacker but Jay Z might want it more than she does.

  • oskamadison

    Hov wins simply because he “keeps it ghetto like sunflower seedes and quarter waters.”

  • cmoney91

    they both have problems. real talk

  • Brooklyn

    oprah’s definitely blacker than jay-z. jay grew up in the projects, but he didn’t sell crack or coke. she was born damn near a slave, didn’t she pick cotton or something? she always shows this picture of herself as a little girl, looking like an extra in “roots” with this defeated look on her face like she’s already given up on life. besides, everyone from mississippi is black by default, that’s got to be the niggerish state in the union.

    • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

      “…looking like an extra in “roots” with this defeated look on her face like she’s already given up on life.”

      ^^^Roffle mayo!

      Not that I watch the show, but she still has that weathered, beaten-down-by-life look about her.

  • Avenger XL

    It is still hard for me to believe that Shaun Carter really pumped serious crack. I think he was like most hood kids caught up with a click that may have sold it see Dehaven. But if he did anything it was petty as hell. Dude talks like he was serious in the streets but don’t carry that aura he was a hanger own using that crowd to get cred and chicks probably. Check how he tends to play cats to the left now and apply the streets/crack and tadah jiggamans real persona. Oprah is mad hood though don’t sleep and she won’t get married because it will mess up her money. She will be like whoopie goldberg paying some dude millions to go away if they broke up. So why not just do what you do and keep it moving cause you too old to have kids anyway now. Most rich dudes need to follow the oprah code.

  • Chilly Willy

    Y’all are trippin’ !!!

    The blackest of them all is:

    *drumrollllllllll – rimshot*

    BANGS !!!

    Now, pardon me if I invite a shorty to the moooooooovieee….

  • yuyup

    4. Oprah blames Black men for her problems
    “Oprah claims that some guy she was with forced her to do it, Rick James-style, but later I read that she was the one who introduced him to crack.” Instead of admitting she was responsible for her own drug addiction, she chose to blame it on the guy, who was undoubtedly Black, and hold him responsible for her own failings.

  • http://webs.geoffbrennan.com Gebra

    First off Bol – hilarious. Now, uneeded Geoff’s 2 cents: bought the Esquire just to read the article, thought it was a great way to see jay-z through the eyes of a woman who a) isn’t interested in hiphop, b) had mad envy for the guy and whoever he’s dating (i don’t think she was sure who the chick was), c) was trying too hard to find the story behind the story, d) is sure that jay-z’s popularity is based solely on his marketing schemes (talent, hooks and bravado unnecessary), e) was, unbenownst to her, totally attracted to him, but afraid to actually talk to him.

    She slags on white reporters throughout the article for trying to be “down” with him yet somehow gets a huge spread in fkkn Esquire and only gets one on one’s with fkkn Dame Dash et al – and that dude would suck mean dick for a mixtape plug.

    Why can’t people just show respect to a man who’s still on top after all these years, just for remaining relevent? Picking him apart in the article made Jay and his rap career seem to be a pawn in a big game orchestrated by a bunch of other dudes. Dumb expose.

  • caino

    man, oprah is Gutter !! she is hard core , trying to Masquerade as a respectful bussiness woman! lol

    Another win for Bol in 2010

  • bk

    I can rest easier at night knowing at least someone in this day and age is practicing old school investigative journalism.

    XXL, give this man some more Yelotail money. Bol’s on a roll!

  • valdez

    “He is, arguably, the first black-black guy to cross over into Oprah-land and Bill Clintonworld without making the Oprah-sized no-look-back forward flip that means you’re selling not necessarily your soul but perhaps something fleshier, a little more external.”

    false. if he hangs out with oprah and gates and cfr and un members, u think that means he HASN’T sold his soul?? u got it backwards bol. anyway, i think it’s safe to say that he is now and has been for a while making it blatantly obvious who he ultimately works for. anyone who thinks jay got to where he is today strictly off his hustle and business saavy is delusional, point blank.

    he purposely leading his fans/listeners str8 to hell. he has followed orders quite well apparently, which is why he has been and continues to be rewarded so handsomely. but i don’t think he has consifered what will happen when they no longer have any use for him.

  • valdez

    “Jay-Z used to sell crack as if it was going out of style…”

    i don’t believe this to be true.

  • Anonymous

    OPRAH IS A CRACKA AND SO IS JAYZ SCREW BOTH OF THEM AND THEIR FANS.

  • screwthehaters@aol.com

    OPRAH SUCKS SHES A CRACKA AND JAYZ IS TO SELLOUTS JAYZ IS A BIG LIPPED MONKEY! OPRAH IS A FAT HIDEOUS POMPOUS WHITEY. JAYZ IS A SWAGJACKER SCREW THE IGNORANT MASSES THAT HAVE NO TASTE AND BY THIS I MEAN THEIR FANS.

  • JAYZSUCKS

    JAYZ IS A REPROBATE OPRAH IS TOO THEIR BOTH REPROBATES WHO ARE GOING TO HELL TRUE CHRISTIANS DON’T SUPPORT SUCH FILTH.

  • sooaOJSAO

    I’d have to say jayz is blacker than oprah anyone is blacker than oprah screw oprah and all her fans can suck a big 1 as far as i’m concerned.

  • Jojo

    I will say this much this was a funny article def. gunna book mark it.

  • b

    Bush sr. showed crack on tv. i’ll chalk this up to old age