Who gives a fuck about an Oxford comma?

It could be that white people just aren’t aware of this, so I’m gonna go ahead and point it out for them: When you criticize other white people on race, it only serves to make you look like a douche.

Recent cases in point would include white music writers getting on some perfectly nice-looking white woman for comparing Jay-Z to chocolate in Esquire; Republicans ordering Harry Reid to resign from the Senate for pointing out the fact that Barack Obama wouldn’t be president, if he wasn’t light skinted and if he didn’t speak plain English; and white music writers (again…) raising the question of whether Vampire Weekend should be allowed to rip off African music (as if this was 2007), in reviews of the excellent new Contra.

I don’t know if this is Political Correctness Week, or what. As recently as a few days ago, I wouldn’t have had fodder for a post like this. Now I’m wondering if I’ve got the space here (or really, the time and effort) to cover it all. As a fellow named Mike Damone once put it, I woke up in a good mood, and I don’t know what the hell happened! Could this be what Barack Obama meant when he said we live in a post-race America?

Let’s start with the part that interests me most: By show of hands, how many black guys reading this would be upset if a white woman compared you to chocolate? See, not a single one of you. Even if it was a white woman I didn’t want to have sex with (I know), I’d be willing to let that shit slide. Her heart was in the right place, it’s just that the rest of her body wasn’t in order.

I’m actually less concerned with any metaphors she used to describe how black Jay-Z is than I am with her overall argument that Jay-Z is blacker than Oprah Winfrey. There’s a strong case to be made that Oprah, what with her crack habit, her back alley abortion, her inability to get married, and her weight issues (all of which I’m sure are related), is more authentically black than Jay-Z. (I might have to expand on this in a subsequent post.)

As far as white people’s problem with this article, I’m assuming it’s mostly just a matter of jealousy. A lot of white writers who used to write for magazines Vibe and Blender are out of a job and having to scrounge for assignments from sites like the Village Voice and Slate, for hardly any money at all (but probably still more than I make), and they’re just pissed that the woman who got to do the big Jay-Z story in Esquire probably didn’t know anything about him, other than that she’d like a piece of that, before she set about writing it. I checked her contributor page on the Esquire website, and she’s listed as the author of a profile on Lebron James. Let me guess: Any time a story on a black guy is mentioned in the boardroom at Esquire, hers is the first hand to shoot up. Not that I’m complaining. I’m just saying.

At least the Republicans had the sense to send a black guy out to do their bidding. In case you don’t watch cable news as if it was pr0nography, like I do (honestly, Campbell Brown’s face > most women’s tits), Michael Steele had the sheer balls to compare Harry Reid praising Barack Obama, for being so clean-looking and speaking so well, to Trent Lott giving a toast at Strom Thurmond’s 115th birthday party, talking about how it’s too bad Thurmond didn’t win when he ran for president in 1948(!), as a segregationist. Then they had literally every black pundit there ever was, other than myself, explain that Harry Reid wasn’t saying that only light skinted black men who speak plain English should be president, he was saying that we live in a country where only light skinted black men who speak plain English could be president. Note the difference.

But I’m gonna come right out and say it: Black people who can’t speak plain English should only be the president of the Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull Fan Club on Facebook. Hell, anyone who can’t speak plain English shouldn’t be the president of shit. It’s just that the problem is a lot more prevalent in the black community, because the TIs use institutional racism to keep black people cordoned off in areas where no one can properly conjugate the verb be, thus ensuring they’ll never be taken seriously. Anyone who’s ever worked with otherwise idiotic black people from the sticks who talk like white people (and hence have jobs) knows what I’m talking about. Granted, the fact that many borderline retarded people speak plain English proves that it doesn’t make you any more qualified to be president, but still. Some people argue that you shouldn’t wear deodorant, because it’s made out of poison and there’s nothing inherently wrong with a human being’s natural scent. If you want to think like that, you can fuck off to Africa or somewhere.

Which brings me to Vampire Weekend. (See what I did there?) The debate over whether Jews from Columbia with a U should be allowed to rip off African music might seem relatively minor compared to the likes of Negro Dialectgate, but it’s something that’s been on my mind for a while now. It’s something I’ve been meaning to post on since back when I began to rock out to the Dirty Projectors’ excellent Bitte Orca. Not because I’m pissed off that white people are doing to African music the same thing they did to Africa’s supposedly abundant natural resources, but because I’m wondering how come black people don’t make African music. When’s the last time you heard a black group put out an album that sounds anything like Bitte Orca – or Contra, for that matter? A black group from the US, mind you. I’m not listening to any music from foreign countries.

I know Beyonce’s sister Solange did that cover of “Stillness Is the Move,” but I’m pretty sure that’s just because Beyonce’s father completely and utterly failed to sell her on the black community, so now he’s trying to see if he can get any traction in the white community. I guess he figured she’s light skinted and well spoken enough. (Sound familiar?) I heard she’s gonna be on the next Of Montreal album. If they can get her to go onstage in one of those athletic supporter things Kevin Barnes wears, I might have to show up to one of their concerts, even if there’s a lot of teh ghey guys there. My peripheral vision is all fucked the fuck up anyway, from years of looking at Internets pr0n. Not because it’s true what it says in the bible, but because the light isn’t very good in my mother’s basement. If white people want to do black people a favor, they should see about getting me a lamp.

  • JAY STONE

    Spot on bol

  • cmoney91

    “I checked her contributor page on the Esquire website, and she’s listed as the author of a profile on Lebron James. Let me guess: Any time a story on a black guy is mentioned in the boardroom at Esquire, hers is the first hand to shoot up. Not that I’m complaining. I’m just saying.” HAHA!

  • B

    do yourself a favor and get that dirty projectors album in your life immediately. bitte orca>>>your fav rappers album this year

  • these posts are racist

    Not bad…i’m still waiting for your response to my email…where you been?

  • http://www.mikestreezy.com Mike Streezy

    lmfao! The last few days of posts from Bol have been classic! Keep up the good work!

  • SOUTHSIDE A-TOWN

    “Hell, anyone who can’t speak plain English shouldn’t be the president of shit. It’s just that the problem is a lot more prevalent in the black community, because the TIs use institutional racism to keep black people cordoned off in areas where no one can properly conjugate the verb be, thus ensuring they’ll never be taken seriously. Anyone who’s ever worked with otherwise idiotic black people from the sticks who talk like white people (and hence have jobs) knows what I’m talking about.”
    ^^so true, its scary.

    • Dub Sac

      Word. Every now and then Bol comes with the truth.

  • Chilly Willy

    Ain’t this the same bullshit people used to say about Collin Powell ? Prompting Chris Rock to ask if white people expected him to say I’s gon’be pres-O-dent ? So the theme is not new. The outrage come more from the blunt talk of a supposedly advisor from Obama’s camp, like someone from the inside who’d do some dumb shit. Of course his adversaries will jump on it and blow it out of proportion ! This is politics as usual, that shit is dirty, it comes with the territory.

    Bol been craftin classics like a Pac on deathrow lately !

  • Enlightened

    Bol,

    To you and everybody else who foolishly always confuses this issue when it comes up.

    This “negro dialect” shit has nothing to do whether or not a certain Black person can conjugate the verb “be” correctly or whether they drop the g’s on the end of their words (like Sarah Palin) or not.

    Close your eyes and listen to Oprah, Denzel, Michael Eric Dyson, any one of your Black professors from college, Chuck D, Louis Farrakhan or any other Black person that knows how to speak “plain English.”
    YOU CAN STILL TELL THAT THEY ARE BLACK.

    Black people sound different than white people. Period. Not because we’re speaking slang, or just because we may be in our comfortable environment and speaking cool like we do – I mean even when we’re on our best behavior and trying to speak in a professional manner, we still sound Black.

    Just like you can cover your ears and look at a Black person and see the difference, you can do the same by listening. Hair is different. Skin is different. Voice is different.

    Now, there are some exceptions to the rule, like Bryant Gumbel, and that’s why he gets all mad about the shit like, “why do they say I talk white just because my parents taught me how to speak properly” and all that shit.
    No nigga. That’s not what it means. You just happen to somehow have the vocal chords of a white boy. There is a small percentage of the Black population who does sound white, and yes there is a such thing as sounding white.

    Would you ever in your life confuse Al Sharpton’s voice with a white man’s? Hell no. How often do you hear him speaking slang or conjugate the verb “be” wrong. Never.

    Sarah Palin doesn’t speak “plain English” and she embraces that shit and her braindead ass followers celebrate that shit like, “see, she’s a normal person” but nobody ever says that she “sounds Black.”

    • HNIC

      I be tellin’ my homies that same shit, nah’mean?!

      Just playin’… Very well said!

  • http://www.jamal7mile.blogspot.com Jamal7Mile

    I said pretty much the same over at GlobalGrind… I wouldn’t want a Black President who sounded like Gucci Mane. I wouldn’t want a White President who sounded like Roscoe P. Coltrane from the Dukes of Hazzard either.

    Harry Reid made an extremely poor choice in words. But since he’s known for fucking up like that I wasn’t totally surprised. I get what he was trying to say, just leave the racial connotations out of the statement.

    Now that ex-Illinois governor Blajosonovabitch (sp?) is something entirely different…

    • Chilly Willy

      Poor Blackgovernsonofabitch (sp?). The moment he pulled a racial stunt, he can’t even get the light ’cause a smelly old retard got it covered.

      See ? Black can’t win for losin….

    • Hanch

      Blago is a fucking Fool, I still cant believe what i actually heard come out of his mouth! It is as bad as Lil Wayne’s song Whip it Like a Slave…WTF

  • Moving Sideways

    me and my cousins and you and your cousins…

    I’m too young to know the answer to this, but were people pissed at Paul Simon when Graceland came out for doing African music?

    • http://www.jamal7mile.blogspot.com Jamal7Mile

      What’s up Moving Sideways?

      Yeah, people were kinda-sorta upset about it, but for the wrong reasons. Apartheid was in full swing, and the whole world was boycotting the government. Paul Simon had South African musicians on “Graceland” but he wasn’t supporting the government w/that album. If you ask me, he was helping South African musicians eat by giving them jobs on the album.

      I’m sure there’s more to the story but, alas, I was pretty young too. Never did get the full picture.

  • http://www.bboycult.com $ykotic/Don McCaine

    “Sarah Palin doesn’t speak “plain English” and she embraces that shit and her braindead ass followers celebrate that shit like, “see, she’s a normal person” but nobody ever says that she “sounds Black.””

    ^^^ This

    Regardless of what that bird says, and we will ALL get to see and scrutinize her on FOX, if you don’t think she is infatuated with chocolate, but keeping it VERY DL, no disrespect but kill yoself.

    That is all.

    • Chilly Willy

      Now just watch Michael Steele booking those shows to get his Fabio on ole girl and you get a sitcom on Fox.

      And whatever happened to Jindal ?

      BTW, they need to give a show to Blaquavelvabitch, if only for our own amusement.

  • Gift

    lmfao @ sykotic/don mcCaine

    that is truly a topic for discussion. Could you imagine if Sarah Palin was getting smashed on the low buy a brother? That makes for great headlines. This just in Sarah Palin and Blair underwood have couple talk on the Monique Show!!!LMFAO!!!!

  • http://www.plasticsquirtguns.blogspot.com thoreauly77

    lets start with the VW reference:

    first, its brilliant. the argument that whites have been stealing/incorporating/interpolating african music forever (in america) is spot-on. so, why arent more african american musicians putting their spin on it? well, it turns out that indie bands such as “tv on the radio” have been doing it for quite some time, and they are 4/5ths african american.

    so, theres that.

    however (and its only right to point it out), ALL hip-hop is based upon african music, which originated with the drum and percussion, so whther you like anti pop consorium or eminem or gucci mane, all of their music is based upon the same essential thing: the beats.

    anyone who tries to use the argument that vampire weekends music is somehow unauthentic because it borrows (largely) from african roots music, is simply some white person who is trying to align their self to black people by shitting on another white, which is not only condescending to african americans, but also a weak attempt at trying to be “authentic” to who they perceive as another “progressive” white person.

    great post, bol.

  • yuyup

    robin meade, rudi bahktiar > campbell brown

  • caino

    ‘I’m actually less concerned with any metaphors she used to describe how black Jay-Z is than I am with her overall argument that Jay-Z is blacker than Oprah Winfrey. There’s a strong case to be made that Oprah, what with her crack habit, her back alley abortion, her inability to get married, and her weight issues (all of which I’m sure are related), is more authentically black than Jay-Z. (I might have to expand on this in a subsequent post.)’

    Classic , classic , classic!!

  • giantstepp

    “Black people who can’t speak plain English should only be the president of the Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull Fan Club on Facebook. Hell, anyone who can’t speak plain English shouldn’t be the president of shit.”

    Real shit Bol! I can turn it on and off (slang/ebonics etc), and it’s a real part of how I speak. But I really don’t want my president, black or white, speaking like an idiot.

  • http://dasteamwerkmusik.blogspot.com bollocks

    REAL F*KKIN TALK, BOL!!! YES, YES AND YES.

    SO much good material in this post, but most of the other commenters referenced it, so let me comment on the musical sheeeit:

    You are the man for reppin’ that Contra and Bitte Orca. And again, the man for reppin’ that Solange cover of “Stillness” (shit is fire). Still, though, your central question remains incredibly pertinent: Why AREN’T more black musicians in America reppin that African sound? Fela Kuti is wonderful; a great musician with great songs, and a veritable treasure trove of inspiration.

    In terms of that African sound, (if you’re interested), you should peep Extra Golden (who are 2/3rds American) or, if you’re willing to listen to music from foreign countries, Konono No. 1 is pretty damn great (and they’re Kenyan, I believe).

    Vampire Weekend was obnoxious as hell to me on their first record (not digging the toungue-in-cheek hipster vibe), but they brought the heat on Contra. Thank you for representing and (hopefully) exposing their music to someone new.

    (And Dirty Projectors are the band of the effing century, in my mind, so I’m always happy to hear their name mentioned…did you see the Talib/Mos Def performance on Jimmy Fallon where the ladies [Hayley and Amber] sang backup? Siiiiiiick.)

  • http://www.jango.com/music/EmCDL EmCDL

    Damn Bol that was a good blog…the last couple of them were good too. Keep that ish up

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