Royce Da Rocketeer

Happy New Year, everyone. It looks like we’ve got more of the same on the naggerdom front in 2010. Perhaps the naggerdry is getting progressively worse. I think WSHH has already shown us seven signs of the apocalypse this week. But, I'm just the weird "old" man who shakes his fist at everything.

So, Ray Ray Benzino continues to volley foolery with Slaughterhouse members in his [hip-hop] weekly pleas for attention. I will say it’s been fun watching Benzino discover how hard it is to promote himself without abusing the world’s most popular rap magazine for ad space and 12-mic ratings. But, we know attention is all the man wants when he makes outlandish statements with The Great Spear in one hand and a glamor pistol in the other, as Royce Da 5’9 so eloquently put it.

Unfortunately, instead of stepping over Benzino whilst exiting Popeye’s like every other rap fan does, Royce Nickel Nine chooses to up the niggerishness ante. Worse still, he attempts UStream humor beforehand. Mind you, as clever as Royce’s raps are, I expected to laugh at least once. I’m not going to count the Martin Lawrence character facial expressions. I laughed at those, but they weren’t intentional. You know you done fucked up when you and your ventriloquism dummy can’t get any of the Rhodes Scholars at WSHH to laugh once. I’ve seen those stoop monkeys find comedic value in vehicular homicide footage.

[Blogger's Note: You saw us laying down our launchers as raw as crawfish. Snicker. Snicker.]

Needless to say, Royce’s failed Comic View routine only provides an example of how surrounding yourself with yes men can fail you miserably.

I don’t know if rocket launchers are legal in Michigan. I’m going to assume they are because Royce is on camera with one. He can’t be outwardly stupid enough to giftwrap a felony for the authorities like that, right? Naggers no longer surprise me with their foolery. It’s to the point where I can’t tell a coon from a Sambo anymore. I do know that it is absolutely ridiculous for even the hardest of criminals—which Royce must be, as he is a rapper after all—to possess a rocket launcher. Benzino is annoying as all fuck, but there’s no need to waste all that secret military facility training you’ve been doing between independent releases on another musician. Save that for the mission, dammit.

Oh, you didn’t know that Royce Da 5’9 is a sleeper cell? Royce was supposed to help that Nigerian nigga take down the plane the other day. Homeland Security thought Prince Akeem or whoever was trying to detonate a bomb and shit. Nigga was calling Royce to complete the surface-to-air attack they’d been planning for two years. Fortunately for us infidels, he missed the call because he was making video blogs and shit.

Royce was supposed to be maintaining that No Fly Zone.

[Blogger’s Note: I tend to go over the fence myself.]

What’s next for Itchy & Scratchy? Do we take rap weblog beef from pistols to rocket launchers to Patriot missiles? Maybe next time Benzino will turn his MacBook Pro toward the camers to reveal an ominous countdown. Much like Shawty Raw fumbling his possum-hunting rifle and transparent banana clips, these musical entertainers have no idea what they are doing with these toys they flash for the camera like children on Christmas.

Speaking of children, there are plenty watching. I mean, not all rap fans are niglets, but impressionable chillens are the ones most likely to be paying attention to the WWF bullshit. All these rapsters need now is Ol’ Dirty Bastard doing Slim Jim commercials between WMD brandishing sessions.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Odds that Royce Da 5’9 will blow up his own living room one day? ron@ronmexicocity.com

See how this silly shit works? Now Royce has to be Benzino's guardian angel. If anything blows up around Benzino, the authorities have NiggerTube footage of Royce getting goofy with a rocket launcher in the throes of a rapster beef. That's some national security shit. The federales were following Biggie & Tupac, remember?

I guess Royce could always play nice, then ice Benzino after the heat dies down. That would open the door for Royce tattooing Benzino's name on his own arm like a dead homie. The strategy may help Royce confuse the prosecutor. I don't remember where I heard that plan before, but it sounded pretty smart at the time.