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Dawn of the dead

It seemed like Eli Porter had given up on his dream of being a rapper after his defeat in the controversial Iron Mic battle, but it could just be that he had no idea how to sign up for a MySpace account.

He almost certainly could have benefited from his Internets fame. Video of the Iron Mic battle on YouTube has been viewed damn near two million times. And that’s just the main video that comes up in Google, when it’s a Friday afternoon and you’re not trying to be too diligent in your research. It might not even be the original. Then there’s all of the tributes, remixes, responses and what have you. Imagine if he had that deal Soulja Boy has, in which he gets $.15 every time someone comments on his videos, even if it’s just to tell him his videos fucking suck balls. Not to mention whatever he makes from advertising, product placement and what have you. Does Soulja Boy even like video games, or does he have some sort of deal with Microsoft? Notice how it’s always an Xbox 360, and not a PS3 or a Wii. Even if the 360 is a better system than those other two (except for the fact that it’s purposely designed to break as soon as the warranty runs out), it’s not like he can’t afford all three of them, and I know they all have some games that are exclusive to that particular platform. Or is this one of those things where he’s so ignorant that he’s never heard of a Playstation, like when Mr. Collipark had to give him a primer on the GZA? Personally, I mostly just fuck with the Wii, because my motor skills aren’t the best in the world.

Speaking of birth defects, it’s not like Eli Porter stands to make a shedload of money from anything other than being mocked on the Internets. Watching the controversial Iron Mic battle again just now, for the first time in far too long (priorities FAIL), I was struck by the fact that there probably isn’t anyone in it who could be categorized as being of normal intelligence. Eli Porter made a few bizarre, spastic body movements, but that’s because he was nervous/struck by the brilliance of the line, “I’m the best, mayne. I deed it.” Which you’d be, as well. All host Marv-O had to do was announce everyone’s silly nickname, and yet he couldn’t stand still, or avoid giving Jeremy “J-Dub” Walker an inappropriate massage. Would Steven “Action” Jackson have voted for Envy over Eli Porter, if he had the cognitive ability to realize that’s it’s just cruel to vote for the guy who’s significantly less retarded in a battle like this? Especially after Envy mocked Eli Porter, which is probably what set him off in the first place. That’s like pretending to be retarded in order to compete in the Special Olympics. How much do you want to bet that Envy isn’t even retarded per se? He’s probably one of these black kids who are too belligerent to pay attention in class, due to daddy issues, and so they’re railroaded into a special ed program, so that their test scores don’t drag down the rest of the school. I heard that shit happens all the time. I guess they couldn’t have separate classes for actual retards an people they just don’t want tainting the general population. The idea might be that having to be in a separate class with retards would embarrass these kids into dropping out, but obviously that didn’t work in this case.

Poor Eli Porter. It’s not like there weren’t people trying to get at him. I definitely fielded emails from people from labels trying to get a verse from him, get him to host mixtapes, get sample clearance for some of his hot fire, so on and so forth. They must have thought I was in contact with him, because I’d written so much about him, and perhaps because of my world renown ability to e-stalk pr0n chicks. The truth of the matter is that I probably could have tracked him down fairly easily. It just goes to show you how lazy these hip-hop people are – if it wasn’t already clear from how all of the interesting stories about rappers these days are published by the Smoking Gun. The thing is: since it isn’t clear that Eli Porter had so much as been on the Internets until just now, it would have taken going down to Georgia. Or at least making a few calls. Shoe leather would have had to have been burned. And that’s just not how things are done anymore. These days, it’s taken for granted that new artists spam the shit out of people via email and various social networking sites. If only Eli Porter had had someone to show him how to set up a profile on MySpace, and maybe fill out all of the information for him, since there isn’t anything about his new MySpace – which someone alerted me to via Twitter the other day – to suggest he’s capably of reading and writing. Plus, look at his hands. Maybe I’ll try to send him a message anyway, just to see what happens.

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