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An endless cycle

I think I speak for all men when I say that, regardless of how much money a woman has, if she cold cocked me in public, that would be the end of our relationship.

I’d be tempted to knock her lights out – not because I’m the kind of guy that goes around beating up women, but due to simple dutch door action. My hand might slip. Then I’d be in jail for hitting her, when the truth of the matter is that she hit me, and I accidentally hit her back, as a matter of reflex. I’m sure it’s happened a million times…

Lately, there’s been a minor epidemic of domestic violence incidents in which a woman attacked a man, if not enough of them to warrant a trend piece in the New York Times. The two I can think of off the top of my head are the one where Chris Henry’s fiance threw him from the pickup truck she was driving and left him with his brains spilling out in the street, and the one where Mary J. Blige’s husband let her chin check him at her album release party.

I was at Necole Bitchie the other day, and I saw a picture of the two of them sitting courtside at a basketball game, all hugged up as if nothing happened. The picture itself was probably a plant, just like that picture of Kanye West and Amber Rose feeding the homeless. If Kanye West really felt for the homeless, he’d rent Amber Rose out to them for a few hours, or at least get them some assistance from the same agency where he found her. As I recall, there was also a video at Necole Bitchie of Chris Henry’s fiance trying to cop a plea, talking about how she wasn’t trying to drive too fast, because she knew he was in the back of the truck. The fact that she had to issue such a statement lets me know she did that shit on purpose. Love means never having to explain why you threw someone from a moving vehicle.

Mary J. Blige’s husband might be hamstrung, in that he doesn’t have very much money. He could drop Mary J. Blige like a bad habit, but it’s not like a court is gonna order her to cut him a check each month, just because she abused him. As fucked up as the court system is in this country, he might end up having to pay her money. Word on the street is that she caught him checking out a waitress. So she might try to argue that, technically, he committed an offense against her first, and she was responding to that, because she got a little bit caught up in the moment. Even though a) staring at another woman’s ass is a minor enough offense that it probably shouldn’t be admissible in a court of law; what’s next, are they gonna outlaw watching attractive women on TV? and b) we don’t know why exactly he was staring at that woman’s ass. She could have been wearing pink, which draws. That’s basic optometry.

If a woman stole me in the jaw, and no one was around to see it, and she had a shedload of money and I didn’t, I can’t say for certain that that would be the end of our relationship. Lord knows I’ve done my share of things that I’m not proud of, because I was having financial difficulties. For the better part of a year, I subsisted on a steady diet of White Castle, where I worked, and whatever I could steal from my parents’ refrigerator. If only I’d been lucky enough to have been with a rich girl who swung on me on occasion. It’s not like she could have done that much damage. I’m roughly the size of four women. A broad could fuck around and hurt herself trying to beat me up.

As long as no one found out. When a woman hits a man, and it’s caught on video for posterity, it’s a way different crime from if she just hit him in the comfort of their home. It’s a concept similar to how beating the crap out of a teh ghey guy for trying to cruise you in a bar is considered a crime against the entire teh ghey community. Because it makes them that much more reticent to make unwanted sexual advances to obviously straight men. Er, bad example. But you catch my drift. (Nullus.) Mary J. Blige’s husband’s chin might not have been bruised in the least bit, but now everyone knows he gives her free reign to beat up on him, because he’s not man enough to be in a relationship with a woman who respects. He’s lucky he doesn’t have to go to work, where his boss might see that shit. He’d never get a raise. Look at what happened to Charles Hamilton, His career has been in decline since the moment he got clocked.

Speaking of which, this incident with Mary J. Blige and her husband might actually shed some light on what happened to Charles Hamilton. As we learned back when the Sonic snuff footage surfaced (see what I did there?), that girl who hit him is Mary J. Blige’s stepdaughter. The plot thickens! I guess it’s true what they say about people who grew up in abusive households repeating that same behavior in their adult lives. Brianna, or whatever her name is, must have grown up watching Mary J. Blige beat the shit out of her father. Then when it came time for her to start a family of her own, she went out and found a pusillanimous man (my bad, Charles) who wouldn’t mind her occasionally going upside his head. In that sense, it’s probably for the best that he talked her into getting that abortion. It’s time for that cycle to come to an end.

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