Well, then. Looks like we have ourselves a tie in the West. #2 Buju Banton and #15 Rick Ross have come to a stalemate. As you’ll notice in the updated bracket, they both advance to three-way dance with Kanye. No nullus.
You’ve been patiently waiting for a bracket to explode on. As 2Pac says on “Thug Luv,” “Well, here it is, nigga! Here it is!”
Well.. It must be close to Armageddon, Lord.
#1 Tiger Woods (87.8%) def. #16 SOHH Headlines (12.2%)
#9 Barbara Norton (60.5%) def. #8 Hurricane Chris (39.5%)
#13 Michael Steele (69.3%) def. #4 Charlie Sheen (30.7%)
#12 Sexy Spec (63.6%) def. #5 Joe Budden (36.4%)
#3 Gucci Mane (71.1%) def. #14 Tila Tequila (28.9%)
#6 Frankie Lons (52.0%) def. #11 Lamar Odom (48.0%)
#7 Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em (53.2) def. #10 Sammy Sosa (46.8%)
#2 Plaxico Burress (92.0%) def. #15 Beanie Sigel (8.0%)
#1 Lil’ Wayne (75.2%) def. #16 Diddy (24.8%)
#9 Chopper (66.1%) def. #8 Waka Flocka Flame (33.9%)
#4 DMX (73.6%) def. #13 Kid Cudi (26.4%)
#12 Joe Jackson (53.5%) def. #5 VH1 Programming
#3 BET Programming (77.7%) def. #14 Nas (22.3%)
#6 Stephon Marbury (68.8%) def #11 Alfamega (31.3%)
#10 Kanye West (53.5%) def. #7 MTV Programming
#2 Buju Banton tied #15 Rick Ross
#1 Tiger Woods vs. #9 Barbara Norton
The people have spoken. You can put lipstick and extensions on a monkey… Ha! Sorry. Uncle Ruckus moment. Norton isn’t fine, as Rep. Bubba suggests. But Woods has apparently put his driver into everything this past year. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s known just how fine she is. It’s like Woods always says, “We’re all white when the lights go out. For shizzle.” Ironically enough, Norton is working on a Tiger Woods bill as we speak. She’ll present it next session with musical entertainment from Mr. Hit Dat Hoe.
#12 Sexy Spec vs. #13 Michael Steele
Steele and Spec sounds like a rap group unto itself, doesn’t it? Both manhandled their top-5 ranked opponents. Spec did so to the soulful crooning of Lawn Jerray. Steele performed his awkward, offbeat nod to the sounds of Kurtis Blow. I can’t call this one, as I’m shocked that Spec took Joey Jumpoff out of the contest. You would think Spec can repeat here. Budden would have handled Steele, right? He’s definitely a better lyricist. However, I’m far more worried about Steele’s goons than those of any rapper.
#3 Gucci Mane vs. #6 Frankie Lons
Gucci and Frankie F. Baby are really more alike than not. Both have allowed addiction to destroy their lives. Gucci’s in jail because, contrary to his BET “Lyricists to the Back Room” Awards PSA, he hasn’t taken his sobriety very seriously at all. Ms. Man Down–The Negro Channel’s reality cash cow du jour–can’t remember how many children she’s given birth to. That’s to say she’s can’t remember how many times she has carried a child to term and pushed her/him out of her crack-ravaged vajenga. Worse still, she admits this on [segregated] national television. Frankie came out of a tight one (no pun intended) against Lamar Frankenfucker Kardashian. So, maybe Gucci Mane’s iconic dumb nigga status will carry him into the Sweet 16.
#2 Plaxico Burress vs. #7 Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em
Here’s what should have been your 2009 DDN final. Rather, this is what Ronnie had on his bracket, with Soulja Boy taking the whole thing. Soulja Boy has lost a little steam, in my humblest of opinions. Either that, or we’ve just lost interest. If we paid enough attention, there’s probably a SODMGNP every week of the year. However, is there an SODMGNP bigger than passing on a three-month plea deal to welcome a three-year sentence in the booty house? Soulja took down a strong competitor in bleach-er creature Sammy Sosa. I think Plaxico is a legit Elite H8 contender, but then again, I thought Buju Banton would slide past Officer Ricky.
#1 Lil’ Wayne vs. #9 Chopper
Ah, yes. This is the one place Chopper can contend with his idol Weeziana for Kang of New Orleans. This one is tougher than it looks. Chopper is a god-forsaken moron. May whoever you pray to have mercy on his soul. However, Wayne has done everything in his power to bring himself down to this level. I know it won’t be Chopper sitting in the pokey doing a Waka Flocking bullet in a couple of weeks. On the same token, let’s hope Chopper didn’t get any Applebee’s groupies/hostesses pregnant.
#4 DMX vs. #12 Joe Jackson
Here’s a matchup stranger than the Alabama Pride MMA event DMX skipped out on this past fall. X hasn’t shaken that white girl. Papa Joe stay with one of them. He also stay with an ex-civil right leader with white girl hair. Was the Joe Jackson “Fuck Him, Pay Me!” Tour dumber than X’s MMA debacle and mall performance freakout? I’m not sure myself.
#3 BET Programming vs. #6 Stephon Marbury
A BET executive could nullify this entire debate right now by putting Starbury’s live stream into the nightly rotation. However, as they are not yet one and the same, does TNC’s mind-numbing, soul-crushing, hate-inciting content eclipse the Vaseline-eating, weed-smoking, cocaine-sweating publicized personal life? Both are coming off of blowouts. It Ain’t Hard to Tell we’re looking at potential powerhouses meeting entirely too early. I guess that’s what makes these things so fun. The brackets are loaded with “talent.”
#2 Buju Banton vs. #10 Kanye West vs. #15 Rick Ross
Due to the Round 1 draw between Buju and Officer Ricky, the DNCAA committee decided to let everyone get ill instead of play judge. Apparently, sending either Buju or Ricky packing would be like Solomon cutting that baby in half. Instead, we’ll let them do it again, and in the presence of Martin Louis the King, who handily knocked off the MTV rotation. I think MTV’s contribution to societal decline is greater than given credit for, but that’s just me. I’m an old-ass, hatin’-ass fuck nigga.
Questions? Comments? Requests? Back to business as usual tomorrow. firstname.lastname@example.org