Here are the complete Round 1 results for the East & South Regions:
#1 Lil’ Boosie (87.4%) def. #16 50 Cent (12.6%)
#8. R. Kelly (73.6%) def. #9 Bossip (26.4%)
#13 Ron Artest (56.6%) def. #4 Mark Sanford (43.4%)
#12 OJ Da Juiceman (58.4%) def. #5 WSHH Comments (41.6%)
#3 Delonte West (78.2%) def. #14 Rhymefest (21.8%)
#6 WSHH Content (67.4%) def. #11 Annie the Chicken Queen (32.6%)
#7 I Eat Da Pussy Boys (92.1%) def. #10 Lil’ Jon (7.9%)
#2 Chris Brown (70.8%) def. #15 Tyler Perry (29.2%)
#1 Gilbert Arenas (77.4%) def. #16 Lil’ Mama (22.6%)
#8 Marshawn Lynch (62.9%) def. #9 Bone Thugs -N- Harmony (37.1%)
#4 Gerald M. Saluti (83.2%) def. #13 Method Man (16.8%)
#5 Charles Hamilton (62.7%) def. #12 SOHH Comments (37.3%)
#3 Max B (73.9%) def. #14 Shaquille O’Neal (26.1)
#6 Bow Wow (73.7%) def. #11 Shakur (26.3%)
#7 Rod Blagojevich (53.2%) def. #10 Jayson Williams (46.8%)
#2 Katt Williams (86.2%) def. #15 Teddy Riley (13.8%)
Midwest results are in too, but we’ll get into those tomorrow.
#1 Lil’ Boosie vs. #8 R. Kelly
“I steel ain’t gon’ get convicted!” vs. “Oh, shit! I didn’t get convicted?!” R. Kelly is freer than a motherfucker running his little Chocolate Factory as we speak. I’m going to go out on a broken limb and say that winning the 2010 DN Tournament would easily be the best thing to happen to inmate Torrence Hatch this year. I wonder if Bad Azz will write a book about his ordeal when if/when he makes it out of prison. I know I can’t wait for The Allabuygrafical Story of Sylvester. I swear ‘fore gawd, if that shit is Trapped in the Closet Parts 100-150 in print… I’ll pull out my Beretta.
#12 OJ Da Juiceman vs. #13 Ron Artest
These two naggers might be as equally matched in this tournament as they are on the microphone. Both come off of huge upset victories over stiff competition. I thought Mark Sanford and WSHH Comments were legitimate contenders. I guess I was wrong. OJ Da Blawgmane has some pretty strong credentials, especially for the XXL readers. Ron’s music, videos and public appearances were enough to knock off an adulterer of a governor who fucked off on his state in every way possible. Somehow, not only is Sanford a free man, but hasn’t even been impeached. Amazing.
#3 Delonte West vs. #6 WSHH Content
Sa-rah Con-nah! West had to have been on his way to off someone. He most certainly put two in Rhymefest’s chest. I bet he bought the rounds from Wal-Mart too. Meanwhile, Rerrl Star content gets progressively dumber by the refresh. By the time you read this two Jamaicans will have gotten naked and had sex on a dance floor– What? They did that already on WSHH? Damn. Well, fuck it. There goes my clever little anecdote.
#2 Chris Brown vs. #7 I Eat Da Pussy Boys
I really think we may have finally found someone to beat on Brown instead of the other way around. The I Eat Da Pussy Boys didn’t just beat Lil’ Jon (of Chickenfest credentials), they whoo-zoo-zoo-ZOOPED his ASS! In any other scenario, Lil’ Jon would have advanced or challenged. Harriet Tubman’s dream deferred may be an unstoppable force. I’m smelling an upset here. Besides, I’m alarmed by the amount of people who have absolutely no problem whatsoever with what went down last Grammy night.
#1 Gilbert Arenas vs. #8 Marshawn Lynch
I’m gonna have to chalk up Lynch’s easy first round victory to Bone Stan interference. It’s okay. If they can put the Ouija boards and barrettes down long enough to vote, they deserve to have their voices heard–even if they are played backward and turned down in pitch. Lynch will find no such benefit this round as I’ve yet to find a reason not to advance him to the final four. He’s going at least that far on my personal bracket.
#4 Gerald M. Saluti vs. #5 Charles Hamilton
I kid the Sonic as much as the next man, but he only botched an abortion in public. He didn’t mishandle a murder trial. What’s the greater evil here, being a talented dumb-ass or a highly unethical one? Saluti beat up on Method Man like he was the one who fucked up the Wu-Tang Financial ledger. I wouldn’t let Saluti watch The Practice, let alone handle a matter of importance.
#3 Max B vs. #6 Bow Wow
Biggavell crushed The Diesel in what should be inmate Wingate’s final first-round DN appearance. Can he make a run for the ages before bowing out of the World Star arena for good? Maybe. I don’t think Prince G-Money will be putting a stop to it, but I’ve been wrong before. If Bow Wow can beat Max B, then maybe he can get it all. He can get it all.
#2 Katt Williams vs. #7 Rod Blagojevich
Blago barely made it past Jayson Williams, which is a pretty tough first round opponent. Hopefully he has another rabbit stored up for the judge he faces this spring. The funniest shit about Blago trying to sell Obama’s vacated U.S. Senate seat is that A Pimp Named Slickback called to inquire about the price. I don’t know if he had the monies to pay for such an excursion, but he definitely asked about it. Granted, he did so sitting Indian style on top of the fried chicken during a lunch buffet off I-95. How do I know? Chill, homie. The bitch in the Shoney’s told me.
Questions? Comments? Requests? Round 2… Fight! email@example.com