We’re just about done with Round 1. As promised, we’ll start Round 2 tomorrow before taking a brief hate break and finishing Round 2 on Monday.
#1 Lil’ Wayne vs. #16 Diddy
While Diddy’s “coon music” session is not admissible, he’s still got the 106 & Park incident. Frisking a room full of teenagers after losing your own ring while literally tossing money into their faces is a dick move, to say the least. As is the case with most tournament Play-In winners, Diddy’s got a true titan of niggerishness on his hands. Add potential statutory rape/indecency charges to Lil’ Wayne’s two-week grocery list of 2009 infractions. You would think his tour bus pulled over more times to talk with “them people, ha” than to fill up its tank. Drug charges, gun charges, children everywhere. It’s like Young Carter’s making some great performance art piece that encompasses all of the ghetto’s ills.
#8 Waka Flocka Flame vs. #9 Chopper
Asking the voting public not to include Flocka Flame’s recent flockery is like trying to tell a lynch mob “he ain’t do nothin’, boss!” No one involved is exactly trying to hear that shit. However, it’s not like the alternate universe of flocking and flaming the So Icey upstart has created on wax and tour hasn’t caught up with him. Chopper has been working on your nerves since 2009 began. A true genius in the field of self-etherization and matching oversized executivewear (M.O.E.), Chopper personifies “look at me… at any cost.” As Pimp C would say, “Look at me, motherfucker. Look at me.” Whether wearing Manute Bol’s childhood Easter suit, handing a [planted] pregnant cousin $20 and berating her, buying “daggeries” or promoting a sex tape with post-Applebee’s performance groupies, Chopper has been one-stop DN shopping in 2009.
#4 DMX vs. #13 Kid Cudi
Not only has the Dark Man not been able to keep out of trouble, he’s shown more erratic, crack-like behavior than ever. Dropping out of the Alabama Pride MMA event last minute is the best decision he’d made all decade. You never know when X is gonna pop up with a new drug charge, so his DN anticipation alert level never dips below orange. Mr. Mescudi has absolutely no excuse for the fuckery he engages in. He’s obviously a man of many talents who has landed himself in a very fortunate position to do great things. Unfortunately, he’s a Kanye West protege and has apparently adopted all of the characteristics of being awesome in one’s own mind. His insatiable megalomania has produced several outbursts to the media, none of which topped his Vancouver nigga moment. Maybe he meant to line it up with the Winter Olympics. Maybe he can Jamaican bobslead team his way to an inspired performance against DMX’s Switzerland. Cudi ’10, indeed.
#5 VH1 Programming vs. #12 Joe Jackson
It’s not just For the Love of Ray J and all the silly reality dating shows that makes VH1 to mind-numbing. The obsession with D-list celebrities and their “reality” have literally made VH1 a killing. Megan Wants a Millionaire, VH1′s vilest creation, resulted in a murder-suicide that came to a head in the Vancouver area. No pun intended. Damn, Vancity. 604 represent this year! Speaking of death, Jackson has only tried to profit off of his son’s death at every possible turn. Nothing new to see here from the original ass-whoopin’ kang. He killed all of his sons a very long time ago and has profited heavily from their hollow, soulless shells ever since.
#3 BET Programming vs. #14 Nas
Forget not knowing the baby daddy. Frankie Lons doesn’t even remember how many children she’s given birth to. The revolution has been televised, people. It’s also on a nice, low, easy-to-stumble-upon channel in most urban American markets. I mean the actual definition of urban, not the fancy way to say “Negro.” Nas knows where all of his children have come from. Unfortunately, in addition to slipping up on his taxes, he may have cheated his way into Nasir Jones’ Why the Fuck Did I Marry This Crazy Bitch? Bossip reports that Tyler Perry has already picked up the sequel, Was the Sex Really That Amazing?
#6 Stephon Marbury vs. #11 Alfamega
Starbury crazied himself out of the NBA, where he earned $21 million last year. He wasn’t going to get another purse anywhere near that lucrative, but he could be on a roster making a hefty veteran’s salary and an incentive-laden contract. Too bad the nigga had to Joe Budden the Universoul Circus he calls his life. We’ve watched him smoke weed in a moving automobile… that crashed! He’s also eaten Vaseline and tearfully perspired to Hezekiah Walker or some ol’ Sunday BET shit. Alfadavit will need more than divine intervention to salvage a career in either rap or thuggery. His publicized lying-not-snitching campaign got him dropped from Grand Hustle. While the situation has exposed more fuckery on T.I.’s part than Alfamega’s, it was the Grand Hustle muscle who decided to speak on the matter with a World Star reading level open letter. The video explanation of lying vs. snitching didn’t help either.
#7 MTV Programming vs. #10 Kanye West.
You thought Adventures in Hollyhood was bad? I got two words for you, my nigga. Jersey FUCKIN’ Shore! What? That’s three words? Fuck outta here! Jaegerbombs for everybody! Fuckin’ Jaeger! Wooooooo! *fist pump* Whooooooooooa, we’re halfway theeeeeeere! OH-OHHHHH! Liiiiiiivin’ on a praaaaaaaayer! Take my h–
Yo, Snooki. I’m real happy for you, and I’mma let you finish. But, Journey got the best Guido fist pump anthem of all time! Of ALL TIME!!!
#2 Buju Banton vs. #15 Rick Ross
Aside from foolishly engaging 50 Cent, passing off an Isaac Hayes cake in his own image and a World Star-only Carol City Cartel marketing campaign, Rick Ross really hasn’t done much this year. He looks and speaks like Yogi Bear after stumbling onto a patch of funny grass, but that’s about it. Mr. Boom Bye Bye, on the other hand, that nigga is fucking with COKE! How in the world do you get yourself popped trying to buy 5 Waka Flockin’ bricks on the verge of your fourth Grammy nomination? Nigga supposed to be on the comeback, not lookin’ for a come up.
And if you must buy 5 brick of cocaine, you shouldn’t show up in person or take any fucking phone calls! Yuh muss sen di DRIVER! An’ Rasta nah tek cocaine! A waaa’pn to dem?! Nigga finna be locked up ’til he’s laid to rest. Hiyoooooo!
Questions? Comments? Requests? Everybody want a piece!!! firstname.lastname@example.org