Welcome to the 2010 DN Tournament, my fellow haters! Thanks for your nominations. None of this is possible without you. Please take this moment of silence to pat yourself on the back for a job well done.
For those of you who missed the Play-In at Ron Mexico City, Diddy has beaten out Game and Lupe Fiasco in a landslide. Mr. Take That has earned his way into the the field of 64, making your official DN Tournament bracket as follows:
I’ve already wasted enough of your precious time. Let’s get into the matchup analysis.
#1 Gilbert Arenas vs. #16 Lil’ Mama
Lil’ Mama compared Michael Jackson’s death to that of Jesus. She more notably barged onto Jay-Z and Alicia Keys’ set at an awards show. We’ve been knowin’ she’s ’bout a pterodactyl-looking dodo bird of a human being. What else can we say about Arenas that hasn’t been said about Shawty Raw? The nigga has transcended. His 2009 tour-de-magnum force performance might earn him a plaque someday. His gunplay at the workplace “joke” will likely cost him $80 million and some time in the pokey. Washington Bullets, indeed. Shake your head.
#8 Marshawn Lynch vs. #9 Bone Thugs -N- Harmony
Check, please?! Lynch’s laundry list of a rap sheet took a special DN twist this fall. After already catching three years of probation for riding super dirty after the 2009 Pro Bowl, the Buffalo Bills running back is accused of trying to steal $20 from a woman at a TGI Friday’s. I guess he didn’t earn enough this season to cover that 3-for-$12 special. To make matters worse, Lynch’s accuser is the wife of a Buffalo police officer. Meanwhile, Bone Thugs -N- Harmony have no idea how people get HIV or AIDS. They also think Eazy-E got it in a music war and not from going dirty dick all over the planet. Needless to say, the ladies should be thinking twice before boning a Bone. You gonna fuck around and meet Uncle Charles at the crossroads fucking with these niggas.
#4 Gerald M. Saluti vs. #13 Method Man
Instead of focusing his attention on Max B’s (Charly Wingate) case, Saluti wanted to be the DN in the World Star video. He got his wish. Wingate has paid–in every sense of the word–for Saluti’s rapster famewhoring and inability to poke holes what looked like a pretty fucking leaky case. Is this nigga even a lawyer anymore? Method Man’s had his own trouble with the man. “Them people, ha” took Mr. Meth’s vehicle as a down payment on back taxes. When the story broke, the Wu-Tang Clan standout claimed his failure to pay his taxes was merely a result of pothead forgetfulness. You know how smokers get.
#5 Charles Hamilton vs. #12 SOHH Comments
“You punched me doe! I ain’t mean to do dat!” vs. “Ohhhh shit! I would of punched da fuck out of dat bitch dead ass. R.I.P. 50!” We all know Sonic’s idocy fairly well. We also give WSHH a hard time. However, SOHH’s comment section is a new evil. Half the niggas on WSHH are childish pranksters looking for a reaction. Visit SOHH.com and see if you’re not getting World Star-level ignorance from people who are not ashamed to put their names, faces and Facebook profiles on the line. People truly believe the crazy shit flying off of their own keyboards over there! Many suggest we hate in vain–that the widespread ignorance we refer to is exaggerated. Visit SOHH.com. Open a “news” story and look niggerishness between its own actual eyes.
Put a pin in that one. We’ll come back to it.
#3 Max B vs. #14 Shaquille O’Neal
For all the shit Saluti has taken, Max B hired the nigga. The Silver Surfer also failed to leave Saluti on planet Xenon to be swallowed by Galactus when the nigga wanted to be on the new Coke Wave mixtape with Portuguese Idaho instead of concentrating on them books. I’m not even going to touch what Max may have actually done to get himself into this position or the team of cronies who made him appear as impudent and contemptuous as Lil’ Boosie. A series of terrible decisions and a wake of destruction characterizes Max B’s 2009. Shaq Daddy’s must be a fucking daredevil. Not only has The Diesel been throwing the baby arm to Agent Zero’s woman–whom we know packs that illegal steel–but another of his many jumpoffs is now claiming he’s been levying threats on her life. At best, his all-you-can-eat libido has caused great embarrassment. At worst, he might be looking at some charges like jumpoff’s husband and his first-round opponent.
#6 Bow Wow vs. #11 Shakur
Bow Wow threatened to off himself, and very well could have this past New Year’s Eve. The Cash Money Brother has a massive Nino Brown complex, but exhibits the mettle of G-Money at best. Bow Wow is the kind of nigga who would figure out a way to blow his own brains out with an unloaded pistol. It’d be okay, though. He’s paired with an aspiring neurologist. She could whip up some operating room magic and put his shit back together in a heartbeat. I give Shakur a hard time, but she’s actually a woman to be respected. You niggas need to chill. I bet you didn’t even know she’s the first in person in her family to complete a semester at Whorevard University, which she attended on a tittyjiggling scholarship. She obviously up gave all of that booklearnin’ for bigger and better things.
#7 Rod Blagojevich vs. #10 Jayson Williams
The impeached Blago is accused of trying to sell Barack Obama’s vacated U.S. Senate seat, among countless other grimy shit. He and his wife have used the time off “wisely,” becoming stars of stage and reality TV. This nigga must be suuuuuper prepared for his June trial. He’s either a genius and is totally going to get off, or one of the biggest morons of our time. Unfortunately, the tournament will be long over before we get to see Blago’s moment of truth. You must judge him now. As for the former 15-15 machine, Mousie summed it up best in the Nomination Ceremony. “[Williams'] dedication in his pursuit to spend the rest of his life behind bars has to count for something. He’s willing to die for it.” His tragically hilarious traffic incident is inadmissible, but he kept “the quest” alive in 2009 by mashing up a hotel room fucked up on drugs. Williams’ little rockstar party ended in his having to be tasered by cops and taken in for medical treatment.
#2 Katt Williams vs. #15 Teddy Riley
Katt Williams refuses to stay out of the news. He even has inadmissible infractions from this young 2010 that may keep him alive for next year’s Dance. Whether the allegations against Williams are true or not, this nigga can’t keep his ass in the house and out of trouble. And, keep it real. Pimp in a Thimble looks like he’s been fucking with that Friday After Next. Teddy Riley took it back to St. Nick projects on his kids with the Guitar Hero controller. Mind you, St. Nick project representatives don’t even bat an eyelash at an asswhoopin like that. We’re jaded as fuck. It was still a ridiculous thing to do, defiantly tweet about, then deny publicly.
Questions? Comments? Requests? You’ll Get the East analysis later today. firstname.lastname@example.org