As promised, here’s the East Region Round 1 official DNCAA analysis. Reminder: South & East regional voting ends January 22 and 3:00 AM PST. That’s Thursday morning, haters.
#1 Lil’ Boosie vs. #16 50 Cent
50 Cent had the Pimpin Curly, and the sexy time tape, and the condom incident, and the… Man, who the fuck are we kidding right about now? All you need to know is the failed Babe Ruth home run call. “I still ain’t gon’ get convicted!” Worse still the nigga gets probation and violates the shit, guaranteeing himself a thorough bid.
Keep ya head up, Boosie! We mean this literally. Now is not the time for that droopy shit.
#8 R. Kelly vs. #9 Bossip.com
Kells was actually quite smart to try a below-the-radar comeback. If it weren’t for that damn Trey Songz, Robert Sylvester the molester might have completely pulled the fast one and eased back into the music industry unbeknownst to anyone, save for his loyal fans. Most recently, the openly uh-litterit singer/songmouther announced he’d be writing a memoir. *Toure face* Bossip.com staff lunch hour includes everything you saw in the Lil’ Jon-sponsored Chickenfest, except with the R. Kelly discography on permanent repeat in the background. Bossip’s shameless headlines, racism and homophobia eventually became too much for even Ron Mexico City to bear. Since Spring 2009 I’ve avoided Bossip like Kareem Said does the swine.
#4 Mark Sanford vs. #13 Ron Artest
I have no intention on interfering with the course of nature as it pertains to DN Tournament voting. However, niggas must have no idea who Sanford is or what he’s done this year. Sanford is the governor of South Carolina. You may or may not have heard about him abandoning his post and family for days without notice to creep around in Argentina con su jumpoff especial. Not only did Sanford do that, he came back and acted like it was cool! Sanford spoke on the matter incessantly, tirelessly defending his own actions and still refuses to resign. Might I add that he voted to impeach Bill Clinton, calling the Lewinsky scandal “reprehensible?” I know Ron Artest has made some terrible songs, said some dumb shit and appeared half-naked on a late-night talk show, but this nigga here…
#5 WSHH Comments vs. #12 OJ Da Juiceman
Despite my personal distaste for the porch monkey, I must admit that Jewmane has had a pretty quiet 2009—particularly after his stint as a XXL blogger. I wish I could say the same for the comments section at “The CNN of Urban Media.” Rerrlstar’s comments section is testament to children left behind. To be honest, I’m not so sure we did the wrong thing by them. I’m neither interested in going back for the simpletons, not saddened by the notion that they’ve found a breakfast club for themselves. Granted, the meetings take place at 2:30PM, but fuck it. I’ve also gotta thank WSHH Comments from bringing Shawty Raw and his Tony Montana-edition possum rifle to my attention. We’ll always have that.
#3 Delonte West vs. #14 Rhymefest
“Who the fuck were you going to murder?” I can’t imagine the authorities having any other questions for West in that interrogation room. Somebody was about to get the full Antonio Banderas treatment. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was that smarmy bastard behind the counter at Chipotle! West has a preliminary trial hearing next month. You determine his fate today. Rhymefest took the fate of an underserved community into his own hands like a true socialist, or communist, or whatever the fuck he’s supposed to be. El Che *vomit* begged Wal-Mart to come bring some everyday low prices and a few minimum wage jobs to the hood. I mean, no one there was ever planning on having a small business or keeping one alive, right?
#6 WSHH Content vs. #11 Annie the Chicken Queen
“I’ve been slaving over this hot-ass deep fryer all day fucking up my tracks and shit just so I can practically give away my precious chicken. I mean, I raised the motherfuckers, slaughtered them, talked to their lifeless carcasses for about a day and a half, then dipped them in our famous Cajun spices and pretended I wanted to sell them to you for $1.99. Why? Because I love you, Cap’n Jackson.”
FIRST!!! ALL YOU N….S BELOW ME ARE GAY THATS WHY YOU ALL HAVE AIDS AND NO JOBS!!!
i would of fuck’d dat bitch on top of da hot chickn first bitch’s summerville stand up fuck new york da south run you old nigga’s
FIRST!!! EVERYONE BELOW ME IS A FAGET!!!
Fuck dat nigga above me who said everybody below is a fagget! He dont even know how to spell fagget right. its with 2 g’s fagget and yea I would fuck dat bitch she look like she got a fat ass.
DEATH TO ALL PALE SEWER SKUNK CRACKER FAGGOTS! DEATH TO ALL PALE SEWER SKUNK CRACKER FAGGOTS! DEATH TO ALL PALE SEWER SKUNK CRACKER FAGGOTS! DEATH TO ALL PALE SEWER SKUNK CRACKER FAGGOTS!
#7 I Eat Da Pussy Boys vs. #10 Lil’ Jon
Speaking of chicken, Lil’ Jon endorsed and appeared at the infamous Decatur, Georgia Wednesday night Chickenfest. I don’t think I need to remind anyone of what that looked like. Even the WSHH commenters were disgusted. Nothing disgusted me more than a live performance of “I Eat Da Pussy” at Harriet Tubman elementary school in Harlem. Oh, wait. That’s not true. I was more disgusted by a live performance of “I Eat Da Pussy” at Harriet Tubman elementary school in Harlem featuring small children dancing on the stage and simulating cunnilingus with their fingers. But, don’t mind me. I’m just a hater. Them boys just trynna do they thing and get money.
#2 Chris Brown vs. #15 Tyler Perry
Chris Brown really isn’t that bad of a guy when you get to know him. In fact, if you really think about it, this whole thing is my fault. I shouldn’t have provoked him like that. He’s really sweet and has looked out for me in the past. People really need to just mind their own fucking business. What’s that? No, Chris didn’t hit me. What had happened was, we were watching Meet the Browns on TBS and I was trying to imitate that electric slide and slipped. I hit the side of the coffee table and the front door knob on the way down. Chris tried to break my fall, that’s all. Who are you to be asking all those questions anyway? I bet your husband is out cheating on you right now. Don’t look at me like that, you self-righteous cunt!
Questions? Comments? Requests? Really? Ron Artest over Mark Sanford?! email@example.com