Welcome back to the 2010 DN Tournament. We’re in day three of a four-day first round. Things will begin to pick up after we close out round 1 analysis tomorrow. Round 2 starts immediately on Saturday. Those of you who listen to my podcast know that this is my last month here at XXL with you guys. We’ll be going non-stop (including weekends) through my final day here (January 31, 2009) to accommodate the DN Tournament and incorporate my final Negro Pleasings.
[Blogger's Note: Put a pin in that one? We'll come back to it?]
#1 Tiger Woods vs. #16 SOHH Headlines
Some believe Woods’ foolishness comes in an uncontrollable libido/dirty dick combo. Others believe he only needed better jumpoff control. Regardless of how ridiculously he’s allowed this all to play out, the spectacle is costing him Gilbert Arenas money in endorsements, tour wages and child support lost. I, for one, don’t think it has to. But, a despicable house negro like Woods may just give everything back like he didn’t earn it. SOHH.com will find a way to misrepresent the reporting. Those niggas will flat out lie for a clickthrough. Call me crazy, but for a #1/#16 matchup, i’m almost torn…. Almost.
“BREAKING NEWS: TIGER WOODS SEX TAPE SICKENS BARACK OBAMA AND JAY-Z!”
#8 Hurricane Chris vs. #9 Barbara Norton
Who eats [Jim] crow first, the chickenhead or the egg? Tropical Storm Stephanie’s relatives have really given the family a bad name–especially given how they are still trying to live down the reprehensible actions of cousin Katrina. That bitch done showed her entire ass! Is Rep. Norton more to blame than Chris for this fuckery and waste of legislature resources? Should Chris have declined the opportunity to perform “Halle Berry (She Fine)” on the greatest stage of his career? How does this not make him the greatest rapper alive? I don’t see Jay-Z or Lil’ Wayne performing in anybody’s statehouse. Do you?
#4 Charlie Sheen vs. #13 Michael Steele
You can do all the cocaine you want, but putting down Season 1 of Two and a Half Beatdowns on a white lady in the United States will surely get your family stage name revoked. Pending due proccess, this nigga [welcome back] will be Carlos Estevez for good. You know Emilio is somewhere shaking his head. After mounting an impressive career comeback through self-effacing humor, Estevez has regressed something terrible. Maybe we’re partly responsible for laughing too hard. However, I can never laugh too hard at hippety-hop mascot Michael Steele. The RNC chairman’s comical attempts at becoming a trojan horse for his party have only cause him to become one of the biggest fools in American politics. Ironically enough, I think the only thing fucked up about his approach is that his ghostwriting and “swag” are not up to par. Otherwise, I think mainstream hip-hop is one of fiscal conservatism’s greatest vehicles. He’s onto something, but doesn’t quite know how to fully freaky the deaky.
#5 Joe Budden vs. #12 Sexy Spec of Pretty Ricky
Budden’s all-encompassing UStream feed has caused more personal strife than benefit, to say the least. If only Budden knew that he’d be better off letting the world assume his is an asshole… Sigh. You know you’ve got a problem when you get socked in the eye and your first thought is to hop on UStream with an icepack. As for Spec, his “strickly for the ladies… and the niggas who wanna watch this and challenge me… but it’s only for the ladies when no dude accepts my Chippendale’s challenge” video turn is classic. Combine this with “the best back-of-The-Source ice” and we’ve got the makings of a Western Kentucky upset. This almost makes me wish Spec’s “peeeeil in the booty” team of wedding crashers made the cut. Maybe we’ll see them in the DNIT.
#3 Gucci Mane vs. #14 Tila Tequila
Bootney Lee Farnsworth: “Gucci gettin money, y’ole hatten-ass fuck niggas.” “Get ya mind off my nigga Gucci and where he at. Be about your paper.” “FREE GUCCI! BRRRR!”
Duck Motherfuckin’ Mouth: Oooh! Oooh! “Thangs niggas say when you point out that Gucci Mane is an idiot?”
OG Henny Loc: You have motherfuckin’ won a motherfuckin’ 20-sack of the hocus pocus from motherfuckin’ BG Knoccout and Dre’sta.
In other news, Tequila is back on the Soul Pole and currently dating Jaleel White. White is somehow convinced that Tequila is 3 months pregnant with his baby despite their having met two weeks ago on the set of I’m A Celebrity! Get Me an 8-Ball!
#6 Frankie Lons vs. #11 Lamar Odom
I genuinely feel bad for Lamar Odom and his Frankenberry-fucking ass. He really could have stuck his dick in a box of cereal and saved himself the grief he’s about to endure. Worst case scenario, he becomes Bruce Jenner’s suicide watch partner. Best case scenario, Khloe Kardashian divorces him and bounces with half his undersized NBA trap. After being fascinated enough to watch the Keeping Up with the Kardashians wedding special, I truly believe this sorry bastard is in love. Nice to know his #arealwifey and kids found out about the Frankenberry affair when we did. As for Ms. Lons, well–what else can we say about Frankie F. Baby that hasn’t been said about a methadone clinic line?
#7 Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em vs. #10 Sammy Sosa
You may have noticed a significant fall in SB’s DN ranking and thought, “WHY?!” Well, Soulja Boy has had a pretty quiet 2009. WHY?! Because he’s trying to position himself for bigger and better things, I guess. WHY?! Because he needs to be able to pay for his remote-controlled Lambo necklaces and Jordan Tower videos. WHY?! Because he gettin’ money, dammit!
I don’t think we need to explain why Sammy Sosa is here and has as good a chance as one of his 1998 fly balls–which are the same color as his face these days. Jonron! Diaaaablo, loco!
#2 Plaxico Burress vs. #15 Beanie Sigel
Both of these niggas obviously love themselves some jail. Burress shot himself with an illegal hand cannon in 2008. However, he rejected a 3-month plea deal in 2009. Burress is currently serving a 3-year prison sentence. This might be underrated dumb move of the year. I’ve got Plax eeking past Gucci Mane to square off with Dirty Dick Eldrick in the Elite Hate. However, I also had Plaxico in the DDN final. That didn’t exactly work out. Sigel’s volatile behavior and generally irrational thought processes should be no match for Plax, who I believe is back, locked and loaded with his eyes on a run at the cup.
Questions? Comments? Requests? You have about 12 hours to make things right between Ron Artest and Mark Sanford. Seriously. firstname.lastname@example.org