The King of Coon Presents: Chickenfest

What’s that? No, I’m not laughing. That’s just what my face looks like when I’m overcome with pain, kinda like that one terrified kid who couldn’t stop smiling in Scared Straight. Submitted for your disapproval, Lil’ Jon’s name and crunkafied visage are all over this qualifier for the upcoming 2010 Coon Olympics’ premiere event. Check your dignity at the door.

Bring your appetite, though.

On the subject of coonery, I’d hoped for the sake of both flavor and appropriate sponsorship that they were using Bojangles’ chicken in this year’s event.

A Chicken/Malt Liquor Binge & Purge is the kind of contest I expect World Star Hip-Hop to be sponsoring, even though it looks like a normal Bossip staff lunch hour. I would say these nappy-headed hoes is goin’ ham like the new tribal dance Africa just came out with, but as we’ve already established, that’s chicken in them Styrofoams.

[Blogger’s Note: But, of course, the swirl offenders and the down low brothers are exactly the reason why they don’t have a man right now.]

You know at least one of these nappy-headed ho-ticipants is pregnant, but has effectively rationalized not only being in the club, but slammin down a 40 like Patrick Ewing in a sorority house. I hear you can get good-ass prenatal care for $500 in some rural areas. Either that, or you can pay for Planned Parenthood to finish up the “smishmortion” you’ve just given yourself.

Not a single nagger in this god-forsaken dancery had a racial pixie on his or her shoulder as the fuckery went down? Had I been there for some strange reason, leaving quietly as these displaced African hippos unhinged their jaws for feeding would have been the most civil thing I could have done. A nigga like me would be inclined to leave, block the doorways and toss a Molotov into that bitch. However, had I made the molly out of a 40 dog, one of the Tyler Perry All-Stars in attendance clearly would have caught the shit before it hit the ground.

“This is unleaded? That’s spicy than a motherfucker. I like that!”

Let’s say they didn’t mean anything by this scene. If you don’t like inhaling fried chicken and washing it down some of that good-ol’ 8-ball there’s something wrong with you. Hold the tiger, right? But these silly negroes had to know what this looks like. The implications of such naggerdom… God damn, people—and I use the term loosely. This shit is like KKK training footage.

The DJ’s guidance throughout only makes things worse for me. “Drink awwl the beer out the bottle!” He later adds rhythm to the guidance with a series of provocative chants including “Drink that shit! Drink that shit!”

The best part is, this wasn’t even about the money for the unofficial “winner” in the red top. Yeah, there’s a $500 prize. But listen to her earnest bellow of  [Adventures in] “Hollyhood motha-fucka!“Drink that shit” sounds a lot like “Whoop That Trick!” So, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out Three 6 Mafia had a hand in this somewhere. Maybe she’s related to Miss Sugarfoot. She may or may not have thrown up, though. I couldn’t judge for myself. The cameraman didn’t hold his phone steady at that juncture.

That open mouthful of chicken bits on our champion looks like a shot straight out of National Geographic. They’re going to fuck around and start filming the hood on the regular behind this shit.

Y’all got a nigga fucked up right about now.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Need a hot sauce suggestion? Ask a Jamaican! ron@ronmexicocity.com

Money Tree Entertainment sounds familiar. I feel like I saw a Frankie F. Baby video with that damn Microsoft Paintbrush “logo” emblazoned across the front. The “Man Down” song jarred my memory after the chicken and 40 binge wiped my brain blank.

  • http://www.jamal7mile.blogspot.com Jamal7Mile

    Wow…

    You know all four of them threw up after the filming stopped. It would be physically impossible not to, and that’s coming from an ex-madman drinker. If they kept filming you’d see vomit and dookie everywhere.

    @the African dance, that’s got Hip-Hop written all over it! Turbo ain’t got shit on that move.

  • Brooklyn

    i couldn’t believe that shit was real, it seemed like some kind of satirical bet show that would be on “the boondocks” or something. there’s less public ways to degrade yourself for christmas money, them bitches coulda turned tricks for it, at least that would have been between them and the nigga they were tricking with, this shit is public coonery. it’s funny how our “leaders” get all up in arms about trivial shit, but when niggas do shit like this they are as quiet as church mice.

  • http://J-Mace.deviantart.com Shawty J

    Ron, to do a blog on this, you more than likely had to watch the entire video. And if you did, I have to ask how you managed to do it, because I turned off the video in shame less than halfway through.

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      confession: i have watched that shit like 4 times now. i needed multiple confirmation that i had in fact watched a chicken and malt licker contest.

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

    Somewhere, there’s a baby daddy that now has the evidence he needed to get custody of his kid.

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      you’s a damn fool wit it, mane.

  • $ykotic/Don McCaine

    Olde E ain’t beer…but the comments man…

    “LOL..FAT DOWN SOUTH BITCHES WHO SIT ON THE PORCH ALL DAY SCRATCHING THEIR FEET..SMH”

    “thanks again black people! LOL no watermelon? -Subhuman pales everywhere”

    “DAMN…THAT DUDE IN THE RED MURKED IT!!!!!!”

    “I hEard they GONNA have a CONTEST with WHITE PEOPLE except they get paid 500 DOLLARS to see who can eat salad the fastest and drink SUNNY DELIGHT!!…word on the STREET is wayne BRADY is the host!!!! BIG MARK”

    AHAHAHAHAHAHA

    • http://www.jamal7mile.blogspot.com Jamal7Mile

      WSHH comments are other-worldly! Remember it made the brackets in last year’s DDN Tournament?

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      syk, i saw the sunny d/wayne brady comment myself and could not stop laughing.

  • KS

    These niggas couldnt even spell wednesday right. SMH

    • BIGNAT

      i am shocked ron missed that point that shit had me cracking up. personally friend chicken and beer is a nasty combo. unless you wanna have the bubble guts for the rest of the night. it was friend chicken a 40 oz and a shot thats tough.
      “Had I been there for some strange reason, leaving quietly as these displaced African hippos unhinged their jaws for feeding would have been the most civil thing I could have done. A nigga like me would be inclined to leave, block the doorways and toss a Molotov into that bitch.”
      LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • $ykotic/Don McCaine

    “So you wont put up my music video unless i pay you $400 but you’ll put up a video of a guy sniffin ass!!!”

    ^^^ HA!

  • KF UK

    Mex my hotsauce suggestion has to be that Red Encona…woop woop!

    and btw this vid is fucked up but its the credit crunch and as im sure tyresse said when he was piss poor acting in FAF2 “we honnnnnnnngry”

  • El Tico Loco

    Once I saw that it was the cave I was no longer shocked (that’s one of the many coonin and hoodrat central spots in the Dec). When all efforts fail that’s where u go and get yourself a big bear for the night.

  • P. Harris

    It’s about to be 2010…

    WTF is wrong with my people? It’s hard to defend this shit too. I mean, what can you say?

    they live by that motto… you know…

    “Less Trickin, More Chicken”

    like their trying to better themselves or something? Fuct, I give up…

    This is Coonery at its best…

  • paychexx

    i couldnt even watch that shit…im from the south and this shit make us look bad, now i have defended the south a lot, but i aint defending this shit… smh. i swear sometimes it like chris rock was right niggas( dumb ones) are winning this civil war against black people….

    one, always with the good shit mex…