Susan Boyle: In Da Club

Susan Boyle is hot right now. I got to get her on a track, for real. We’d make a hit… Everyone is talking about her, the lady from Britain’s Got Talent… She’s got an amazing voice, and together we’d get everyone dancing. I’m always looking to do something new and she’s cool, so I’ll ask somebody to let her know… I’d love to take her clubbing, show her around my world. She’d have a great time.”

-50 Cent, The Mirror

I would hope he’s joking, but knowing 50 Cent and his propensity to scheme, I’d bet he’s dead-ass serious. Given the sales disappointment—by 50 Cent standards, mind you—that Before I Self Destruct has become, I’m sure 50’s looking for the next musical gimmick that will magically restore him to Soundscan prominence. However, he’s already proven that music doesn’t work that way. Dare I say 50’s incessant extramusical distractions have proven harmful to his career as a musician? I dare indeed.

[Blogger's Note: Extramusical is a made-up word. Do not use it.]

So Susan Boyle’s new album is selling like it’s the antidote. I find it incredible that her sales figures (pron: heat, hotness) are all that matter to someone as business savvy as 50 Cent. Has he taken into consideration that Boyle has sold so many records because her fan base is older? How about that these older people with disposable incomes aren’t 50 Cent fans and will never be? Did Mr. Cent ponder that he, Boyle or both would sound absolutely ridiculous on a record intent on getting “everyone dancing?” No, that’s not a good ridiculous. Combine these questions with the notion that even 50 Cent fans aren’t fans like they used to be—and, they don’t listen to Susan Boyle. You’ll find that Boyle has nothing to gain from a 50 Cent collaboration, despite what the gossip column hoes may have to say.

The Mirror writers discuss 50 Cent’s “fab” new album and how collaborating with 50 would be “a coup” for Boyle. I mean, not that she’d ever do the shit, but collaborating with 50 Cent on any level would be a coup d’etat on her life and career. She’d Jean Bertrand Aristide her whole shit fucking around with 50. That’s to say, she’d have to be extracted from the ensuing volatility.

Let’s say the entire world, including Boyle’s handlers, got Urkeled up and a 50 Cent-Susan Boyle club effort gets recorded. What’s 50 gonna do after the track is done? Take her coat shopping? Slap her around on the hood of a Cadillac for the next Pimpin’ Curly video? Make a stink at the conservatory where her closest genre-specific competitor is performing?

[Blogger's Note: I have a long, awkward history with performances at conservatories. Most such experience involve coons of the highest order.]

50 Cent is an attention whore. Even with columns such as this one, we’re feeding the pop-eyed monster. Boyle, however, already somewhat regrets having shared her talent with the world. She hasn’t been a professional musician for an entire calendar year, yet gossipy bitches are already all up in her books just for the sake of knowing what she’s making. Granted, some niggas think it’s a good thing to publicize one’s salary (pron: most recent purchase). So, that one may fall on deaf ears. Let it be known that I’m only talking to the readers with self-respect at this point. Niggas who enjoy the bullshit saturating the music industry need to find another column.

Oh, yeah. And, I’m a warrior. So, let that be known.

I digress. Forgive me. Taking Susan Boyle to da club would send her anxiety disorder into overdrive. She’d have a fucking heart attack and die of accidental overdose from obnoxious music, lights, drinks and groupie bitches of all types. Sadly enough, the footage of Boyle’s shock-related death hanging out with 50 Cent would just be top banner fodder for ThisisFameWhore.com.

Couldn’t you see the WSHH headline now?

Shook!: Susin Boil (From The England American Idle) Dieing In Da Club When 50 Cent Go Ham On The Bar Tender [Full 40 Minute Dieing Footage]

Questions? Comments? Requests? Pimpin’ Curly Need A New Bitch, Mayne? ron@ronmexicocity.com

  • Moving Sideways

    Maybe it’s just me, but the funniest shit in the world would be a situation where Susan Boyle is out clubbing with Fiddy and breaking a bunch of man-whore, groupie dudes off with a grip having them tongue down her wooded area.

    Lord knows she hasn’t been laid since Faulty Towers was on, so she could use the attention.

    • Gloveson

      She’s a virgin

    • Gloveson

      Forget what the track would sound like…….jus imagine if they made a video, that shit would be fuckin hilarious!!

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

    For some reason, I think I’ve seen her on an episode or two of ‘Benny Hill’. Y’all niggas watched that shit back then too, I ain’t the only one.

    • $ykotic/Don McCaine

      ^ Benny Hill was the illest!

      Mexx no sitcom slang today?

      And off the subject, anyone remember my Copenhagen drop? Guess what’s going on this week?

      They just released a statement saying the US is in “grave danger” because of emissions…

      • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

        “got Urkeled up”

        and *dead* @ benny hill!

        she DOES kinda look like one of them bit characters on there.

    • El Tico Loco

      I used to watch that shit with voiceovers but now the theme music ditiitititii shit is on loop in my head. Thanks

  • Caino

    shit susan boyle aint be laid period!!

    the girl is half ‘tard’ she would probably be thinking that fiddy is about to rob her!! lol

    Tho Boyle is throwing it up for Scotland right now ,so l cant give her to much hate!!

  • JE

    Couldn’t you see the WSHH headline now?

    Shook!: Susin Boil (from the England American Idle) Dieing In Da Club When 50 Cent Go Ham On The Bar Tender [Full 40 Minute Dieing Footage]

    HAHAHA funny shit

  • Detroit P

    LMMFAO!!!!!!!

    and are those shots at CJ?

  • Chilly Willy

    Fuck Mr Bean, Benny Hill is the realest!

    “Shook!: Susin Boil (from the England American Idle) Dieing In Da Club When 50 Cent Go Ham On The Bar Tender [Full 40 Minute Dieing Footage]”

    What can we say after that….lemme think….

    ytube it BOMBDACITY ytube it BOMBDACITY ytube it BOMBDACITY ytube it BOMBDACITY ytube it BOMBDACITY ytube it BOMBDACITY ytube it BOMBDACITY ytube it BOMBDACITY ytube it BOMBDACITY

    That should do the trick.

    re:Fif and Boyle, never gon hap’n. I mean, whenever 50 says “ice” and “cream”, Susan will think of Ben and Jerry……shit, now I’m hungry !

  • Somethin New

    It would be quite funny to picture Susan Boyle chase after 50 and crew in the club like how Benny hill used to do at the end of his shows.

    Benny Hill is the realest! R.I.P

  • El Tico Loco

    Fif should hang with Susan Boyle, he might be getting set up, he gonna fuck around and find out that she is actually Fat Joe and bam!

  • El Tico Loco

    Fif should hang with Susan Boyle, he might be getting set up, he gonna fuck around and find out that she is actually Fat Joe and bam!*

    • DetroitDraper

      And BAMM lol you made me think of tha infomercial guy

      MAYN HOL’UP

  • http://twitter.com/njrn5 legin

    lmao at worldstar headlin

  • Mindbender

    That last line is the icing on the poison cake, Ron. Fucking hilarious.

    “Couldn’t you see the WSHH headline now?

    Shook!: Susin Boil (From The England American Idle) Dieing In Da Club When 50 Cent Go Ham On The Bar Tender [Full 40 Minute Dieing Footage]”

    Ha ha ha ha!! Spot on, chap. Spot on.

  • Somethin New

    ^^^LOL^^^

  • hate

    Shook!: Susin Boil (From The England American Idle) Dieing In Da Club When 50 Cent Go Ham On The Bar Tender [Full 40 Minute Dieing Footage]

    funniest shit i ever read. it’s sad though cuz it’s true

  • giantstepp

    Who tha fuck is Susan Boyle???

  • giantstepp

    Ok, just consulted google and she’s that “strange” older white lady that can sing. But her and 50 on a track??? That nigga just runnin his mouth because it aint gonna happen!

  • Jhon da Analyst

    Just put her on a “Many Men” type track with her singin in the background on some angelic/satanic combination type shit. Hittin really high notes with Fisty spittin murder and death to his enemies all day. That shit would work!!!

  • Hanch

    Hilarious! That is the best WSHH line ever hahahaha! Although that lady can sing her ass off and has a decent voice. Hope i dont get crucified for listening to music as I know how in Hip Hop your not allowed to actually listen to anything other than Hip Hop which is utterly stupid but unfortunately thats how 90% of hip hop fans think.

  • The G.OD.

    PEACE

    That Jean Bertrand Aristide line: classic

    PEACE

  • http://gooddoctorzeus.blogspot.com DocZeus

    To be fair, Susan Boyle has an operatic voice and if 50 brought in the Heatmakerz, they could make some reasonable faux-Dipsetotian shit circa 2005 that wouldn’t sound like the worst thing ever recorded.

    That’s if you don’t find Dipset’s work circa 2005 to be the worst shit ever recorded like I do.

  • bongolock

    ha ha love that wshh mispelled headline.

    benny hill! shit was like soft pron for me when i was a kid.

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