Ron Artest’s Tiger Beat

Sure, he’s barely a rapper, but the homie Taurik put me on to Ron Artest’s blog at I can’t stand the Ron on Ron violence, but the shit needs to happen. Yesterday’s entry “My Letter to Tiger” is every bit as terrible and sadly entertaining as his musical letter to Michael, Michael, Michael, our nigga. Thus, as requested, I had to share my thoughts on the document.

Artest immediately attacks “sportscasters and journalists” who obviously want to see Tiger Woods fail. I’m not going to dispute the notion that Woods may have enemies, or that there is racism in the world. Both may very well be at play. But, fuck if I’m going to sit here and listen to this moron talk like Tiger is being crucified for some shit that isn’t his own doing. Why is he asking reporters to look inside themselves because they are discussing breaking news about a [self-hating] nigga who did some dirt? I could sit around here and talk about my personal shortcomings, which I do from time to time on my podcast. But, then I wouldn’t be writing about the news, would I? Stop the bullshit, Ron. Some of those writers are horrible people who have their dogs shit on neighbors’ lawns and don’t clean it up. That’s completely irrelevant to the job that need be done. They have to cover the stupid shit niggas like you and Tiger do. Look at that. I’ve put Ron Artest and Tiger Woods in the same sentence. I bet that’s all this nigga’s ever wanted.

If anyone need be on trial here, it’s the society that values up-to-the-second information about celebrities. While Woods’ “serious car accident” would always have be news, his personal life need not be. However, Artest condemns this public school of thought with one hand and incessantly tweets niggorance with the other. He doesn’t see the role he plays in… Aw, fuck it. Why the fuck am I writing all this heady shit like Artest would understand if he ever came across this? The nigga would stare at me with his head cocked sideways like a fucking poodle if this were a face-to-face conversation.

I guarantee you Woods is not building his legacy to support his wife and kids, as Artest suggests. That much has been exhibited by Woods’ having thrown raw dog dirty dick to every wing tray-carrying skeezer he’s ever met. He didn’t even pick the cute ones. Nigga didn’t bother to be discreet. He took one of those bitches to Australia. He’s Tiger fucking Woods. Mawfuckas are going to notice when he steps off the plane with a jumpoff—especially a homely one.

Artest also asserts that Woods has given his wife “a life that people can’t even dream of.” Nigga, people can dream of this shit like this. They call such dreams nightmares. You can tell by the severity of Woods’ asswhoopin that Elin Nordegren would obviously trade it all for a shred of respect and actual love. I mean, she did trade it all, as the scene from Caddyshack III: Da Derrty Version she performed on his car and cablinasian ass sets the wheels in motion for a divorce. She signed a very gulliver prenuptial agreement that indicates she’s entitled to double bogey dollars if she doesn’t stay married to him for 5 years. The agreement reads more like an incentive-laden athlete’s contract and I wouldn’t be surprised if Tiger’s agent drew the shit up. As a divorce right now would mean Nordegren falls well short of the first monetary milestone, she ain’t gettin nada. No Sporty Thievz.

[Blogger’s Note: You just know Tiger Woods loves himself some Caddyshack.]

[Blogger's Note: Is that John Forte pumping gas in the intro?]

But I digress. Back to the letter.

“I thought you were 36 or 37 until I read the news today. A 33-year-old man who has been a model citizen with so much at stake. This is your first publicly known issue since you started your career, compared to my 50 or more publicly known issues and mistakes.
You have been the perfect role model for me and my sons for longer than anyone I have known.”

There are no words. But, I’ll try. Is Woods supposed to have gotten a free pass on the first “publicly known issue”? Everyone’s clean until they do some damn dirt, dumb nigga. Also, the shit is neither cumulative nor relative. Niggas don’t get passes based on the nigga next to them having more infractions than they do. And, if anyone can explain how Woods is “the perfect role model” to a grown man and his children by swinging a damn golf club really well, I’d gladly appreciate it. Not to say Artest’s kids weren’t already fucked, but if Daddy was watching Woods’ every move, them little niglets are extra fucked.

Oh, nevermind. I see Artest includes “with the exception of a few legends”. I bet that list included Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, Patrick Ewing and a slew of other publicly confirmed NBA MVPs. You know, Most Venereable Penises.

How about this one? “And us athletes know how much you personally love your family.” Translation: Only grimy niggas like us can relate.

Finally, how can this travesty of higher education spending be “just a fan mail letter to Tiger Woods” in one breath, “indirectly addressed to Tiger himself” in the next, and attached to a plea that “everyone support Tiger in these tough times for his family”? I’m sure Woods would have appreciated the confidential, USPS-sealed version infinitely more. Besides, Woods ain’t got no family left. He damn near killed wifey’s moms. Ol’ girl been had bus tickets. He couldn’t be any more alone. Plus, I gots no support for a nigga of this kind. How the fuck am I supposed to support this nigga? Should I tell him that everything’s okay? Let him know I got a sister he can fuck around on if he wants to get his family game back poppin again? Mane, fuck outta here. What I need to do is get at these kids who think that just because they can make a little change or get a little fame that they’re allowed to treat people like dog shit. Maybe I should tell Artest’s kids, since he probably won’t.

Ron-Ron, can we get a letter like this to Kobe since you’re in a writing mood these days? Love the blog, nigga. Please don’t stop.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Need a new role model?

Oh, yeah. Tiger beat, indeed. See what I did there?

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  • Jim1951

    I wish people would realise what a brilliant concept Tiger was trying to achieve. He had been working towards an entirely new approach to golf, constructing a course with holes in different cities, for either stroke play or skins, the player chooses which. Unfortunately he had only managed the first 12/ 13 holes before people could appreciate his approach.

  • Brooklyn

    somebody needs to put a muzzle on this nigga, he just says the stupidest shit. he acting like a straight up groupie, you’d think he had le tigre’s balls in his mouth [||] while he was typing that. le tigre fucked up, period. he knew who he was, what he had, and what was gonna go down if he fucked all them ugly hoes, and he did it any way. so why should i feel sorry for the nigga? they say it ain’t tricking if you got it, that’s bullshit, that nigga was tricking. see if i’m paying 60 g’s for some ugly bitch’s pussy, the whole point of fucking an ugly bitch is that they give up the pussy easy as hell. and taking a bitch to australia? a bitch is lucky if i’ll take her ass back home after a night of passion.

    “Let him know I got a sister he can fuck around on if he wants to get his family game back poppin again?”

    unless your sister is aryan and looks like somebody smashed a skillet in her face, le tigre ain’t gonna be interested in that.

  • DetroitDraper

    Yea I cant and never have supported a nigga who hates niggas…so no love from this way canablasian bitch.



    “He didn’t even pick the cute ones. Nigga didn’t bother to be discreet. He took one of those bitches to Australia. He’s Tiger fucking Woods”
    well he listened to the first rule don’t fuck with bitches that look better than your women. women have huge egos just like we do he can deny fucking them ugly bitches. he could be like baby they lying they just wanna know tiger. now he fucked up the second rule by leaps and bounds. tricking out on ho’s taking them on vacation that is just asking to be caught. at least get your other golf buddies and head out for a “break”. you know to mexico thailand norway poland. norway poland you say those women hump any thing thats darker than they are. how i know i was banging a polish chick she told me they we eat me alive in her country.

    “And us athletes know how much you personally love your family.” Translation: Only grimy niggas like us can relate. more like we know you a star like us. you love your family but who could give up groupie pussy. tiger’s problem he walking around fucking ho’s all around the place. down the street from his home base he has no shame. at least have your nearest ho across town. tiger is just lazy with his cheating

  • Tony Grands

    *Ron Artest get notified on ‘Google Alerts’ that his name’s up*

    *goes to ‘Negro Please’ link*

    *reads: “Look at that. I’ve put Ron Artest and Tiger Woods in the same sentence. I bet that’s all this nigga’s ever wanted.”

    *smiles, breaks up the Ironside, sprinkles a little Honeymooners on it, sparks that shit up*

    *goes to ‘Google’ & searches “ron artest tiger woods”*

    *calls the homies*

  • imonapaperchase

    LOL @ T.Grands hell yeah thats Ron Ron all the way…smfh this nigga ron just cant SHUT THE FUCK UP…but hey I guess since he live in L.A. he can just say whatever he wants now

  • Tony Grands

    Ron, I see your “Tiger Beat”, & raise you an:

    Eenie meenie miny moe
    Catch a Tiger with a Hoe

    The first time I heard Tiger call himself “Labcabincalifornia” or whatever the fuck, I was done. Two types of niggas claim they’re way out shit: Lil Wayne’s & Tiger Woodseses. I been caught on the business end of “indiscretion”, & I’ll be goddamned if I didn’t deserve every bit of the discrepancy backlash that I created, word to Bernard McCullough. If he was on the performance enhancing drugs, they sure as shit didn’t work on his pimp hand.

    As for Ron, I expect nothing more from a dude he openly admitted guzzling ‘yac during a professional basketball game. However gangsta as fuck, that’s gotta be some of the most pathetic shit I’ve heard since OJ said “I didn’t do it…But if I HAD…”

    • Will E. Will

      for real I really dont know why ur not gettin paid for this blog shit. ur comments are just a glimpse. Ron, bring this nigga Grand$ on board already!

      • Tony Grands

        Good looks, Will. ‘Preciate that shit.

        Click my name, fuck with me on my home court…

  • AZ40

    If anyone need be on trial here, it’s the society that values up-to-the-second information about celebrities….Co Fuckin’ Sign

  • $ykotic/Don McCaine

    “He didn’t even pick the cute ones.”


    Tiger Woods=male hoe

  • Jhon da Analyst

    We can’t do anything now. Didn’t we take him in the “Racial Draft”? Where is Chappelle when you need him. We could have taken Halle Berry but you see how that turned out. Fuck dat nigga. All I can say to him is be there for the kids and don’t remarry anytime soon.

  • Moving Sideways

    My opinion of the whole situation is that Tiger should have done the exact opposite thing after all of his extracurricular activities were discovered. Rather than quitting golf to go focus on saving his family he should have given this press conference.

    “Ladies and gentleman of the press, in the last few weeks many details of my personal life have come into public view. All I can say is that I’m sorry to Elin and my kids for putting them through this, but I’m clearly not cut out to settle down with one woman. So while I will take care of and love my kids. I will be divorcing my wife, continuing to play golf better than every motherfucker alive, and slay as many blonde whores as possible, sometimes two at a time. Wilt, I’m coming for your record too, son. I’m out!!”

  • caino

    Tiger, needs to take a step back , then go on Oprah before she wraps up her show, to ask for forgivness, or just put his hands up and say’ Yo, l was away from home, a little lonely, horny as hell, and these girls where up for it! what man wouldnt!!’

    but Ron Artest, just gets worse and worse

  • ChinCheka

    Dude just liked to F–K… Whats wrong with that… So what if he has a wife and all of that. I am not saying that its right but damn cant a dude get F on? Any way you look at its none of our business.

  • bollocks

    “Oh, yeah. Tiger beat, indeed. See what I did there?”

    You win. At life.

  • geico lizard

    “[self-hating] nigga”

    You are right Ron. Tiger would never be seen in public with Artest because he would think its bad for his image.

  • mazemayhim

    “and go figure, lyricist of the year’s a white boy and the greatest golfer’s a confused nigga…” word to Ras Kass

  • Allen_J

    No where tiger messed up at was that he was actually dating these women instead of just slaying them. If he would’ve had some jump offs he would just call to bang and trick a little he would’ve been fine but all the text and crap.