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Living the dream

“The lure of Hollywood and a big career in modeling blinded these girls from reality.” — Capt. Blake Chow, LAPD

It occurred to me, while reading a story about this guy who got busted pretending to be a photographer for Vibe magazine in order to molest prospective models, that pulling a stunt like that is probably way easier than I thought it would be, back when I pioneered the idea for this sort of crime, a year or so ago.

This guy didn’t have a real studio or anything. A report on the evening news out in LA, where this took place, says he’d take models to secluded public places – presumably, under a highway overpass, or behind a KFC or some shit. Like on Asses in Public. (I’m assuming.) He’d tell them he was a photographer from Vibe magazine and that he was interested in hiring them for a photo shoot, but first he’d need to take their measurements, to see if they’d fit in custom lingerie. (A good idea, I’ll admit.)

Never mind the fact that Vibe was out of business at the time, and even when it was in business, it was based in New York. Yeah, I suppose that Vibe, or the new Zombie Vibe, could have a photographer in LA photograph a woman and send it to the Vibe offices in New York using a machine called a Mojo, like in the movie Almost Famous. But it’s obvious to me, from years of picking up issues of XXL in the grocery store, to make sure there weren’t any pictures of Esther Baxter, that these magazines aren’t casting a very wide net.

Speaking of which, I wonder if Zombie Vibe will include a section that features women with ridonkulously overdeveloped women in their underwear, at best. I don’t recall there being a section like that in the old Vibe, and that may have been one of the factors that led it to go out of business. But I know the staff of Zombie Vibe includes more guys, including some of the guys who used to work for King. So that would seem like a no brainer. Also, wasn’t King supposed to be rising from the dead as well? There was that video of what was supposed to be a photo shoot for the King relaunch. Or was that yet another example of someone jacking my idea? If so, those motherfuckers got over. That was one hell of a video. It was like the “Best I Ever Had” video without as strong a narrative.

When I came up with this idea, it hinged upon pretending to represent a magazine, just like these guys did. This was due in part to the fact that I was writing a column, if you can call it that, for the dead tree version of XXL, and I figured I could show girls my byline as proof that I really do represent XXL. Every now and again I’ll have to explain to someone how it is I can sit at home in my underwear all day long, except for the occasional shift at the BGM, for which I wear pants, and it’s hard to explain to people that I work for a magazine, but I don’t really work for a magazine. A lot of people just assume I sell shit on eBay. As if I’d be willing to put forth that kind of effort. It’s hard enough just buying things on eBay. But a number of things have got me wondering just how important it is to represent a real, according to Hoyle media organization.

If a woman is willing to strip naked in an alley for a chance to appear in Vibe, it stands to reason that a woman might strip naked in a house in a shanty town, as declared by Peter Rosenberg? (It’s really not that bad, if not up to his usual high standards.) I mean, look at all of the girls who post naked pictures of themselves on the Internets for free, just because their fathers didn’t hold them enough when they were babies. Look at all of the girls way hotter than a lot of these video hoes, who pose for magazines no one ever heard of, like Show. Presumably, part of the reason this guy from Vibe was able to live the dream is because the girls he approached figured their cans were better than the girls in these rap magazines. I’m assuming this guy was going for volume in the can department. I’m one of the most committed proponents of flat-chested women, which is part of the reason why I should be viewed as a feminist, but you can’t really fondle a flat-chested woman, now can you? However, it’s much easier to hold a conversation with them – perhaps because they kinda look like guys. No homo.

The other day, a site called Black Web 2.0 posted an interview with the guy from World Star Hip Hop. He claimed that he’s received buyout offers from record labels, artists and athletes for as much as $20 million, which probably isn’t true, and that he charges bum rappers anywhere from $300 to $500 to post their videos, I guess depending on how bad they are, which probably is true. If I had the tools and the talent, I might have to build a site like that myself. Lord knows I’ve got an inbox full of emails from bum rappers trying to get me to post their shit. And I’m sure my years of cam hoo-er research would come in handy. Black Web 2.0 didn’t ask WSHH how much it pays cam hoo-ers to create custom videos for them, but it can’t be too much, can it? Actual cam hoo-er sites don’t charge very much money. (Right?) And it’s not like the girls receive any free promotion for dancing for JD from the Stern show, and other guys fortunate enough to afford that kind of habit. Dancing for World Star, meanwhile, can make a cam hoo-ers career. These girls should almost be paying them.

What we’re witnessing, with sites like World Star and guys pretending to be photographers from rap magazines, is the democratization of hoo-er exploitation. It used to be, you had to be a rapper, or a rap magazine, to get women to pose in their underwear (if that) for you, but now it’s just one big free for all. Even if I never get to drop a load on Shanie Love’s droopy cans, I figure I stand to benefit from the sheer increase in the overall number of hoo-ers, and the attendant increase in quality. You know, the law of averages and whatnot. But I might need to see about putting an ad up on Craigslist.

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