Guitar Hero: New Jack Swing Edition

In case you are not aware, this Twitter exchange is in response the ghetto news story that saw Teddy Riley—umm—discipline his child(ren) with a Guitar Hero controller. Basically, the nigga went Quick Draw McGraw/El Kabong on at least one of his babies. I’m not going to say this type of behavior is right, but as I said on my podcast yesterday, I’ve seen and gotten worse in my day. Look how awesome I turned out.

[Blogger's Note: Thanks, Don McCaine.]

With that said, going upside your baby’s face with a large plastic controller is not the way. Nevermind the fact that his “baby” is legally an adult and can press charges. The assault has been so widely publicized that the matter may now be out of both of their hands, which brings me to two points.

First, if this is all a publicity stunt on the part of Riley’s daughter, the shit can backfire miserably. I only bring this up as a possibility because her tweets have such a strange tone… and the fact that this shit is playing out on Twitter instead of in-house. From a logistical standpoint, you can’t blackmail, extort or otherwise leverage a nigga on the basis of preventing jail time when the local D.A. takes over the case. Not only does he then have zero incentive to pay you, but you’ve weakened his ability to do so if he wanted to. She’d have been better off getting pregnant by him and suckering him into child support.

Shit, didn’t that kinda happen already in her life? Wait a minute. I see what this is. She’s 18 and the child support checks stopped coming. Aha! I mean, a Riley child can’t be the only one on the block without the Space Jam Jordans, right?

In all seriousness, she very well may have been assaulted. I’m actually kind of appalled at the pervasive sentiment throughout comments sections on negro websites suggesting that she should roll with the abuse because her dad can provide for her. It’s as if black people will trade every shred of dignity for money and the basic level of attention that can come with it.

What’s that? They will? Okay. Nevermind. Scratch all that, then.

As for Teddy, there really is no reason to beat your kids like that. What could they have possibly done that is worth catching a grown-man case? If anything, you make them beat their feet back to the hood. This oldest one is grown. You can cut her shit off if she disrespects you. What worse punishment could there be than having them experience life as a poor kid without the virtues of lifelong poverty? They make riches-to-rags movies all the time. They’re even starting to happen in real life. Guitar Hero welts heal. Fully-grown monsters—which you may or may not have created—don’t better themselves as a result of physical violence. This situation actually reminds me of an anecdote I alluded to yesterday.

Mama Mexico would often have to lay the smack down on her niglets. My little brother Ricky and I were the primary recipients until Tameka got older and more bad-ass. One time Ricky went through mom’s jewelry case and my comic book collection in the same hour. I was mad as hell, but figured instead of getting into a fistfight and including myself in the asswhoopin, I’d just wait until Mama got home. She’d handle that shit since her custom name-plated ring, chain and doorknockers were involved. Nigga was gonna get his, so I didn’t even trip. I later discovered Mama was exceptionally mad because that’s where she would hide her weed. Mama immediately noticed that her shit was amiss and asked, “Who went through my shit?”

Ricky and I were playing Nintendo at the time. I don’t know if any of you remember a game called Jackal, but we got it for $19.99 with our Christmas Toys ‘R Us money and played it religiously. No matter how pissed off we were at each other, we would set our differences aside and play Jackal, even after we could end the game in one sitting. It was something to do besides sell crack, I guess.

Mama knew it was Ricky who done done the deed. Ronnie wouldn’t do some stupid shit like that. Not only was Ricky the blacker sheep, but I had that look on my face that was like… “You know Ricky did that shit. Stop fucking around and put this asswhoopin down so we can beat this level.”

“Ricky. Were you going through my shit?” Mama asked coldly.

This nigga started crying before the smackdown came. Except, this time it was far from a smackdown. I knew shit was delving into uncharted territory when Mama picked up the orange Nintendo Zapper gun we used for Duck Hunt. I felt like the dog who jumps out and laughs at you when you miss until she grabbed that shit by the barrel. My jaw dropped. She reared her medieval torture device back. I wanted to turn away, but couldn’t. I had to see if she was really gonna do this shit. Ricky looked like he wanted to run, but I can imagine he was paralyzed with fear.

I knew Mama Mexico had to be a hard motherfucker raising 3-5 kids on her own in Harlem back when it was still grimy. But did she have to pistol whip a 10-year-old like he had just stolen an ounce of cocaine from her stash house? Probably not. That’s how you know Riley is from the old school. Maybe there’s something in the water over by St. Nick projects—aside from lead traces, of course.

What’s my point? Ummm… I guess that my upbringing has shaped my philosophy on child rearing. I don’t have any kids. I know some of you do. If yours are the ones I see in the supermarket cursing you out and opening boxes of Alpha Bits as you calmly plead with them to behave, I want you to know that I have visions of employing dual Captain N justice on the both of you. You should have been spanking that baby incrementally so I don’t have to gun butt him with a video game relic one day. I think kids are pulling more shit today because they don’t subconsciously fear that mom—or, pop if you’re not black—might fuck ‘em the fuck up one day. Of course, this should not even be close to the top of the list of reasons why your children behave. But, it should be there somewhere as part of a complete breakfast. Otherwise, these morally corrupt assholes we call chillens—who are being raised by Lauren Conrad and Snookie or Frankie and Neffe if they’re colored—are only going to look for new ways to get over on everyone as they serendipitously float through life without consequence.

In a perfect sitcom home, children can learn consequence and respect without receiving physical discipline. It’s really hard to spare the rod without delving into intricate methods of psychological torture. I’d love to know your thoughts on this matter. I know Teddy fucked up regardless, but where should we draw the line?

Questions? Comments? Requests? And you can New Jack Swing on my nuts.

Oh, yes. Happy New Year, bitches. My only resolution for 2010 is to dole out tougher love.

[Update: Riley now denies the allegations of physical abuse, despite having admitted to his thuggery on Twitter.]

And I expect the Teddy Riley lyric puns to continue. Do not disappoint me. Check, baby. Check, baby. 1-2-3-4…

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  • HNIC

    I wonder if when Teddy was laying the zooma-zoom-zoom down on her boom boom, Joe Jackson style, while playing Guitar Hero, if he had an “Ike Turner” moment. “N-n-now, Sang the song like I told ya, Anna Mae.” (No diggity?)

    Instead of playing Guitar Hero, she should’ve been playing ol’ school Mario. He could’ve taught her how to dodge that controller, as if it were a monkey barrel or King Koopa’s flaming fireballs. (Pause)

  • Gift

    Damn Teddy Riley. You should grant your services to many misguided parents across the globe. Hell come to my sista’s house and whoop my nieces ass please LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!

    my mama whooped me with belts, extension cords, paddles, wood from the dresser, and look how awesome I turned out!!!!!

    Ron you a fool for this shit!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Chilly Willy


      Hahahaha!!! So true !

      Shit ! Mama Mexico is actually a standard black momma. Mine used to smack the shit outta me when I got in a fight and cried. She’d say: “The fuck??? Protect yo goddamn neck, nigga !!!” Then she’ll smack the shit outta me if I stomped some kids in a fight sayin:”You tryna put me in trouble, boy? “. Moral of the story, whatever the fuck I did outside, I didn’t bring that shit back home, unless it’s positive.

      Back to Riley. First, Jeff Jarrett used to be the truth, but thank God Teddy didn’t go full Goldberg on that ass. That would’ve been a real smackdown, no diggity. I don’t know why but I keep seeing Mr Hightower adding a moustacheful of preach in this situation.Smh….

      For what it’s worth, I don’t advocate Teddy’s rilin up, the nigga’s definitely dangerous, but we don’t know what really happened in this. In any event, he got a nickel bag full of tricks, so this may just be a stunt if the girl happens to know how to ride a beat. I mean it worked for Tina and Rihanna, so…

      BTW, Happy new year fellow hip hippity hoppers !!! Full of good news, nice surprises, and the health to make the most of it !!!

      Peace and I’m out!

      • DV8

        Mr. Hightower is old school and he might agree with such actions to a extent.

  • Apollo Moses

    They won’t spend the night for awhile…I think this day and age a lot of young parents want to maintain that cool factor and look hip to their kids, being a friend rather than a parent…some knuckleheads have that sense of entitlement to the point it’s sickening…in my single parent home Mama Payne just wasn’t having it…four finger rings across the lips for talking while grown folks were talking, an array of green switches, heavyweight belts, brushes and yes even a drop cord…can’t be like punks and punk it out…a good asswhuppin will keep you in check for a lifetime…(also helps develope reflexs, you’ll be timing punches like Money Mayweather)…you have to maintain discipline at all cost…or the chances are greater for visiting lil mook mook in prision for make poor decisions or him going upside your head for “tryin to play him.”
    “Yup Yup”

    • gafinest08

      “I’m whooping yo ass now, so the police won’t have to do it later!” Thats the only thing close to an explanation I received for getting my ass whooped. I needed ‘em. I was bad as shit.

  • Tony Grands

    In all fairness, all she probably wanted to do was zooma zoom zoom zoom & (a) boom boom. The wreck(x) wouldn’t be ‘n’ effect right now had he let his belt shake her rump back in the days…

    I don’t hit my kids. & it’s deeper than just not wanting to hit them. I been through so much in my adult life that I just don’t get so mad that I feel like squaring off on a midget. Granted, that may change as they get older, but I’ve seen firsthand that the psychological torture has many more side effects, & to a kid, sometimes “that look” & a calm, threatening tone is scary enough. Everybody isn’t going to grow up like Dana Plato or that Power Ranger kid who murdered that couple for their boat & life savings.

    I’m a 70′s baby, & the few of us on here know we got hit with whatever was in arm’s distance fucking with mom. Dad, however, was a fist, or the belt, or a disturbing 2 piece combo platter of them both that had long lasting side effects, including closet hiding & or total sensory shutdown. In hindsight, I understand what my parents were trying to help me avoid, because a parents asswhipping is NOTHING compared to the one the world has in store for an unruly child of color.

    Proudly, I’ve never been in real trouble, versus a specific friend I have, who had everything, including the luxury of knowing he’d never get hit as we grew up. Once we were mean, dude flipped the fuck out, because he’d never been taught consequence. This nigga beat his wife so bad that her dad beat his ass, then had him arrested. He’s been to jail more times than I can shake a spread @, all fucked up mentally, thinking the world owes him something. But, he never had a genuine relationship with his dad or his stepdad, so that plays a part as well, I’m sure.

    I spend assloads of time with my son, so hopefully that bond & sacrifice will balance out the fact that I don’t yank off my belt when he gets a little crazy. & don’t sleep on “the corner”, balancing dictionaries, writing standards, etc.

    There’s other forms of discipline that work as well as a spanking, & thats all any good parent is trying to do; trach the child discipline & self-control. The parent has to show those things as well, though, or it’s No Dice all across the board.

    I’m guessing Teddy fell short on some of those nuances.

    • Tony Grands

      ‘Jackal’ was the shit…’Contra’ with cars. Back then, Konami had the ‘intendo industry on lock.

      *up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, B, A, select, start*

      • Ron Mexico

        that’s why i fucks with you, tony. that’s exactly what i’m talkin about. and i never really thought of it like that. it was definitely konami’s “contra for cars”.

        and you really took it there. niggas used to STAY sayin’ “intendo”. that was definitely a time capsule moment there.

      • Ron Mexico

        and i’m glad you’ve been able to connect with your kids without hitting them. i feel like, so long as they understand consequence and respect you’re good. if you don’t ever have to hit em to do it, that’s awesome.

  • sankofa

    Gutter Hero.

  • Brooklyn

    damn, i remember duck hunt, my cousins used to play that shit religiously back in the day. i’ve never gotten a video game controller beat down, but mama did pull a ike turner and beat me with a high heeled boot. i also got that wet beatdown, when you pull back the shower curtain and mama’s standing there with a belt beating you like a runaway slave.

    personally, i don’t know why riley did the one-two checker upside his daughter’s head, but i do think he od’d. do i think children should be disciplined? no diggity. but this chick wasn’t a child, she was 18, and there were much more mature ways to deal with her than new jack swinging a guitar hero controller upside her head.

    • Ron Mexico

      my grandma perfect the art of the “wet whroopin’.” she used to wait until we showered on purpose. you could do some shit at 7am, if you showered at 11am she was gonna catch you.

      we used to joke about it like “awww shit. ricky done fucked up takin that shower.” without fail, grandma would have the strap locked and loaded before a nigga could put lotion on.

  • $ykotic/Don McCaine

    Anytime homie.

    We all know it’s Teddy’s “Prerogative” to do what he wants to do with his kids, but he may want to give a “Piece of His Love” to his chillen in a more discreet manner.

    I can “Remember The Time” when I used to feel the extension cord for not turning off the Pitfall game in a timely manner, but the mute button and a towel under the door did justice.

    Teddy may be in more of a “Jam” because of that twitter exchange. Maybe he found out the kids want that inheritance sooner than later and he needed to show how “Dangerous” he was.

    Send her to Aaron Hall’s house to shovel sh*t or something. She could use some Kool Moe Dee shades to cover them welts up though.

    “No Diggity”.

  • Tony Grands

    Oh yeah, Happy New Year, motherfuckers!!

    Not to get all unnecessarily responsible, but y’all cats be safe tonight, please don’t drink & drive, & for God’s sake, leave your guns in the house. Save your ammunition for in case you need to protect your family or something.

  • 1hunid

    Mom stayed whoopin my ass coming up (sometimes i think for no reason at all). Pops only had to put his hands on me once (I was afraid of the homies voice alone.Hell Im a grown ass man and he still got it.LoL) .I think its necessary for Mothers to put their hands on kids asses, but a male should be able to intimidate a child just from stature or a specific look. If all else fails. Jack that little ass up. I have two little ones and ive yet to have to put my hands on em.Im every essence of my Pops.

    • Ron Mexico

      realest shit. i only have a few memories of my father. one of which is when i was about 4, i was playing with matches. i knew i shouldn’t have. i was taught better. he caught me. scary jamaican man flew out of nowhere and grabbed my face. he didn’t even hit me. he just crouched down, held me firmly under my chin, stated into my soul and said a bunch of jamaican blibbity blah amounting to “what the fuck are you doing?”

      i knew he could end my life. i didn’t even know what it meant to die, but i knew he could make it happen. i tried my mother from time to time despite the asswhoopin penalties. but that nigga, i was a fucking angel in his presence for the rest of the time i’d know him.

      • Tony Grands


        The fact that a lot of kids these days don’t have a constant male figure in immediate proximity, plays a huge part in their behavior patterns. My parents are still married, & that dude was always there (when he wasn’t working) when I was growing up. I can still hear his footsteps headed towards my room, after my mom gives up, & says those dreaded words…

        “I’m gonna tell your father…”

        That shit was a game changer. My dad only spanked me like 2 times ever, & one was a “wet” one for opening Xmas presents early, then retaping them. The other was for trying to change a ‘D’ to an ‘A’. I did catch a mean, “sliding into home plate while carrying a tray full of my dinner” shove once. My brother laughed, & was nose level on carpet in a matter of seconds. I caught one in the chest once for mouthing off, & needless to say, that never, ever happened again. The hairs on my chest don’t grow right on that spot to this day.

        But, it’s just something about an angry father voice that let’s you peer into another dimension, where time no longer exists & pain is imminent.

        Fuck the bullshit, I’m still scared of my dad.

        Shit’s most likely going to get worse with all these lesbians trying to be “fathers” to kids that aren’t even theirs. That’s got to be more confusing than not having a father @ all.


          You retaped the gifts? Yo, I pictured that shot & couldn’t stop laughing. LOL. Damn.

          Most of my ass whoopings came courtesy of mom dukey, dad came home around midnight from work & u know how that goes. The two worst ass whoopings I recieved was a) I called the police (& I won’t go into detail, let’s just say it was unneccessary & stupid). She layed the smackdown on me, & even gave my little brother a taste. Why? Idk? To teach him this lesson for the future? LOL.
          B) second worst ass whoopin was when I got caught stealing. ( that was what set it off but, I had it coming. I had been getting mouthy & disrespectful as of late, she just hadn’t found the time to ‘get in that ass’) I got the beatdown with this thick ass wooden paddle ( some shit u might see @ a frat house, LOL) that was NO joke. THEN, on top of that my Dad came home & got a piece of the action. Shit, my brother & sister got to watch. WTF!!! That was brutal. I was sore than a mutha fucka that week. LOL.

          Sure, as a kid no one likes to get ‘the smack layed down’, but that shit helped me learn right from wrong.
          Mexico, you killed this one dawg. Funny shit.

  • Jhon da Analyst


    • $ykotic/Don McCaine


      Dude has to deny it because the law can intervene WITHOUT her pressing charges. Child abuse(all of his 8 kids aren’t above 18) AND domestic violence charges. If they ordered him to stay 100 feet away from her & have another hearing set up, the law has proof. Son probably has BEEN 2-piecing them since adolescence.

      The problem with this incident is not GOSSIP, but that the LAWS have parents cuffed the fukk up where you can’t discipline your seeds correctly. And he gets a FAIL for doing it in that manner. Easiest way to punish a teenager is to cut off the dough & the perks.

      Just like if the law can prove that Tiger was assaulted his wife can get charged with DV and have the seeds taken away, regardless of how many skeezers he tapped. Believe it or not Tiger is the victim in that ordeal.

      • Ron Mexico

        it’s technically alleged, but i’m gonna go ahead and say he did it. the nigga tweeted his confession like a dumbass.

        as for tiger,

        tiger is definitely a victim of domestic violence, and that’s probably the game at play right now. they have to get that story straight, and tiger is probably holding out for an agreement (divorce, child support, custody) before he decides what to tell them polices. that’s the only reason why i can imagine this one isn’t open and shut yet.

        realistically, if they split i wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t mind that weekend custody shit. more time to gallivant freely if the relationship is over. but he might be trying to work her into a corner to stay married so he doesn’t lose as much.

        • $ykotic/Don McCaine

          Word is bond I wouldn’t have believed the Teddy issue either, but he went emo on the ‘net and his denial statement doesn’t really refute what he tweeted. AND he didn’t delete the evidence. Another SDN for ya.

          As for Tiger we all know weekend custody means “supervise the nanny”. But I always knew the golf world never wanted him to break Good Ol’ Boy Jack Nicklaus’ records. They were waiting for Tiger to step in a pile of sh*t.

          This is what Tiger gets for denying his “blackness”. At least Al Green went back when he got that grit bath…

          “Nowhere To Run, Nowhere To Hide”-Gravediggaz

        • Tony Grands

          Eldrick Woods should send Carlos Estevez a “thank you” not for taking some of the “ethnic man are monsters” heat off of him.

  • *FUTURE*

    WHOOP THAT ASS! Kids don’t respect anything other than the belt man. I’m not saying hospitalize lil Tommy but don’t let the muhfucka piss in grandma’s urn and take away the playstation. I’m a firm believer that the reason I’m a respectful valuable member of society is due to the fact I learned there’s consequences to certain actions. Like when you bust your little brother in the head with a rock Pops gets out the ping pong paddle and goes to work like Gump.

  • Ron Mexico

    and people worry about hitting too young. sure. we shouldn’t be throat-chopping babies like berni mac. but i think there should be a cut-off where you don’t hit older than a certain age for sure. hitting a 14-year-old is not gonna work. spankings are pavlovian and if you don’t use them early, that window of effectiveness closes.

    again, i’ve never raised any kids. i ain’t never gonna tell nobody how to raise theirs. just my thoughts… as a person who was once a child and has been raised.

    • Tony Grands

      ^^Mex, I think it all comes down to a basic level of common sense that, well, isn’t common @ fucking all.

      My sister-in-law slaps the SHIT out of her 6 year old daughter. I don’t get it. In front of people. @ a family gathering, I’ve seen her floor the girl. You’d think she pulled a knife on the bitch! But here’s the kicker, her GIRLFRIEND then steps in & tells her to chill & then comforts the child. Only God knows where that road is going.

      • $ykotic/Don McCaine

        You know where that road is going. Don’t be surprised “guardian” angel…aka Tony Drummond…

        • Tony Grands


          “i feel like, so long as they understand consequence and respect you’re good.”

          ^^^Man, that’s what it’s all about. If one teaches their kids that early on, the neccesary social skills, that minimizes the need for a middle man.


          Believe that when I go over, she’s on my hip, following me from room to romm, too. You already know what time it is…

    • Brooklyn

      i definitely agree with that. my thing is, if your child doesn’t respect you by the age of 12, they aren’t going to respect you period. and if they don’t respect you at 18, there ain’t a “physical thing” you can do to change that, least of all throwing video game controllers like a 10 year old.

  • $ykotic/Don McCaine

    OK I’m ready to hit the shower and get my party on. I’m the DD so only food & water 2nite.

    60 wings per flavor:

    Blancaneaux(Francis Ford Coppola’s hot sauce)

    Honey BBQ



    Orange sauce

    Skrimps broiled or fried

    5 of everything gets bagged and taken to the bums in the streets. They gotta eat too.

    My dudes in NY stay safe. I know how it goes out there. Especially them $100 parties with no one there…




  • fbgv

    Jackal’ was the shit…’Contra’ with cars. Back then, Konami had the ‘intendo industry on lock.

  • abdulnasir

    I can count how many times my old man spanked me, all with good reason, except the last one when i was accused of calling the geography teacher, “white teeth” in high school (something about her dental). he didn’t even listen, he just slapped me in the school lobby. till this day that memory hurts. being slapped 4 shit i didn’t do!
    my mom on the other hand, was a temper tantrum waiting to happen, she smacked me for everything form peeing in my clothes when i was 6 to you name it. till this day i’m much closer to my father than my mother. moms still’s tryna control me. pops couldn’t give a fuck. he too old to try to control a 25 year old… not that he couldn’t if he wanted. he’s just not controlling.

  • westcoastaggie

    You Ron,

    You need to look at these Dancehall videos on and say somethin’ bruh. These shits are gettin crazier & crazier.

    • ron mexico

      man, i wasn’t even there and i am absolutely mortified.