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Gigantic, a big big FAIL

What’s a 40 year-old woman who wouldn’t know from rap music to do? First Vibe went out of business, and then it was announced yesterday that Giant magazine has gone out of business.

At least “Empire State of Mind” is still the number one song in the country. Lollerskates.

No but really, I wouldn’t have known Giant went out of business, except I saw a post on it on Gawker just now, when I was catching up on any news I might have missed yesterday, while I was out busting a shift at the BGM. If people were talking about it on Twitter, they aren’t anymore. People must not have given a shit. It was probably like when Vibe went out of business, except there were less people who actively disliked Giant for whatever reason. They just didn’t give a shit.

Come to think of it, I can’t remember the last time I saw an issue of Giant on a news stand. I’ll still stop by a Borders and stare at the magazine racks for 15 minutes or so, every now and again. It’s one of those habits I cultivated in the 1990s and I’ve yet to let go of, even though it seems kinda pointless now. Like trying to meet women. Nullus. Visiting a news stand only serves to remind me that the only magazine that piques my interest these days is the Atlantic, which you can read for free on the Internets. Mind you, that’s not because the Atlantic is a magazine for smart people. If something was dumb but it looked like it might be interesting none the less, I’d be willing to have a look.

Case in point, the last time I was in a Borders I saw an issue of Show magazine, and… um, holy shit! Show magazine is kinda like XXL if it was only the Eye Candy section. None of that shit where people pretend to like the Wale album. But the models in Show might be even better-looking – which doesn’t make sense to me. You’d think XXL would have the first dibs on any woman with a body like a brick shithouse, just like a prominent rapper will pose for the cover of Rolling Stone rather than XXL. XXL is a much more prominent magazine than Show. Girls who appear in XXL often go on to lucrative careers as video hoes. One of these days, one of them might actually cross over into film – and not just a role in an episode of Entourage as Video Ho #2, like Joe Budden’s new jumpoff, Somaya Reece. If I ever make it in film (which I won’t), I’ll make sure of it. Meanwhile, who ever heard of Show magazine? I’d only heard of it because the suitcase pimp in charge once emailed me about posting pictures of one of his hoo-ers on my own site. Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ, did that woman have a body on her. Only thing is, she looked like she might have been an hispanic chick dressed up as white chick, like in those old mini truck magazines. But years and years now of Ass Parade have taught me that this is a fact of life I’ll just have to accept, even though the economy is in the state that it’s in.

But I digress.

Now, where was I? Ah yes, dead magazines. Every now and again I’ll think the Source finally went out of business, but then a new issue will turn up. Then I’m reminded that the Source can’t go out of business per se, because it’s essentially a vanity publication put out by negro lawyer to the stars L. Londell McMillan. In most new issues now (i.e. every three months or so), I see he’s conducted the main interview. Most of the rest of the magazine consists of articles shorter than the one in which I laid out my oft-copycatted plan to seduce women by pretending to hold casting sessions for Eye Candy. Doesn’t Queen Latifah also have a stake in the Source? I remember they put her on the cover of the first issue after they relaunched. What a joke. If only I had my own vanity publication. Just think of how I could have fleshed out yesterday’s post on the movie Precious. And I could publish pictures of some of the girls from my Tumblr. I might need to holler at that Mexican drug lord who was trying to buy the New York Times. I take back what I said about defending the US’ southern border. As fucked up as this country has gotten, who gives a shit anymore?

I can remember when it was announced that Giant magazine would only be published quarterly, like the new zombie version of Vibe. So, Giant’s infrequent appearance on news stands was less a matter of its publisher trying to find time in his busy schedule of ironing $100 bills, and more a matter of the corporation that owned Giant – Radio One – honoring its obligation to its shareholders. Legally, they just aren’t allowed to flush money down the toilet like that. I read the other day in the still Jew-owned Times that something similar is going on with General Electric and NBC. They might have to sell it to the Chinese, and/or Carlos Slim. I hope it’s the latter. I’ve accidentally landed on Telemundo enough times to know that the emphasis on machismo in Mexico leads them to have a much higher standard in the caliber of women they allow to appear on television. All of a sudden the subplot on 30 Rock last year involving Salma Hayek is starting to make sense. Radio One bought the failed, white version of Giant a few years ago from a trust fund baby in exchange for a ham sandwich. (The trust fund baby won.) They relaunched it as a black magazine, with a staff made up of some of the people who used to write for Vibe, back when it was almost an interesting read. It went after the same market as Vibe, but they had too much pride to put The-Dream and Christina Milian on the cover, mid-coitus, and some of the other bullshit Vibe used to pull.

I’d suggest that Giant should have published more content that would interest a brother such as myself, but what do I know? I’m no expert on business. I do have a degree in it, but it didn’t so much as qualify me for a job at McDonalds. One time I thought for certain that my degree would help me land a job at the same McDonalds that had rejected me when I was in high school, and that this might lead me to feel at least a certain degree of accomplishment. (No, really, that was my thought process.) But, alas, it didn’t, and so it didn’t. I’m just not McDonalds material. Magazines don’t sweat catering their content to guys like me, because they know I don’t have any money to spend. Women and fags have all the money. That’s why XXL is publishing more and more articles on R&B singers, even though I doubt anyone in the comments section here gives a shit about The-Dream, et al. Word on the street is that XXL even tried to drive Giant out of business. Back when it was announced that Giant was becoming a quarterly, someone from XXL supposedly sent out a memo to Giants advertisers warning them that the magazine would soon go out of business. And wouldn’t you know, XXL was right. I hope this means XXL is in for a big windfall. True, nothing about me says grown and sexy, except that I am rather overgrown. But they need me around to write shit people might actually want to read, so they can turn around and advertise shit I’d never buy. It’s a situation not unlike how Ecko makes clothes that wiggers would wear, if this was still the 1990s, but you don’t see anything in Complex but clothes teh ghey guys wear. They don’t call that shit Complex for nothing. It’s a good thing they’ve got white people in charge.

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