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Dwayne M. Carter, Esq.

Dwayne M. Carter, Esq. That has a pretty swell ring to it. Then again, so does Dr. Carter. But, that’s only a rapster fantasy—not something he’s actually worked toward, right?

Actually, fuck being a lawyer. Dwayne Michael Carter knows there are plenty of other ways to use a law degree to become a powerful man. Ironically enough, he comes to this realization after having ended up on the fucked up side of said law. Young Carter’s also about to be pretty damn powerless for at least a year this coming February.

Lil’ Wayne breaks down his assessment on BET’s Chicken and Biscuits hour, where he panders to an audience before which he is fucking George Washington Carver.

“‘School,’ Wayne said about what he would do without a rap career. ‘I would probably still be in school because I would probably be studying something like law. No [I wouldn’t want to be lawyer], but that’s probably what I would be doing. I like to be powerful and that’s probably something I would have done if I wouldn’t had done rapping.’”

Lil’ Wayne, The Mo’Nique Show (via SOHH)

Right… And Birdman has always wanted to be a neurologist.

[Blogger’s Note: That’s a brain surgeon for those of you who don’t know.]

Granted, Wayne has plenty to be proud of in his musical accomplishments, education aside. But if the little nigga really wanted a law degree, he could have been had lawyering degrees by now like Sha-POW! Instead, he’s been had foolishness like drug binges and raw dog sex with whoever would let the Pussy Monster out of his tiny little cage. He can’t really use his music career as an excuse for not having accomplished this conveniently fashionable goal. While attending classes in-person at University of Houston may not have been realistic, online courses are always an option. If the nigga can approve million dollar deals on his iPhone, he can fucks with University of Phoenix. Them niggas offered me like 6 different MAs last week. Replace some of the fuckery time with that fancy jig booklearnin’ shit. Even at a part-time pace, you’ll be hella close to your educational goals—if not done with them—by age 27, or however old that nigga is.

No. Wayne would rather spend spare time trying to parlay his super gremlin seed into a new Young Money roster before going into the pokey. As his New York incarceration date looms, Wayne still has to face Arizona charges. Luckily, it looks like Mack Maine or some other Young Flunkie will eat the drug and/or gun charges from last night’s Texas detainment. You would think Weezy were one of these sidewalk gibbons who believe jail is good for a nigga’s career.

Maybe Wayne’s comment about law is just some amazingly pertinent diarrhea of the mouth regarding his current situation. Aside from tossed salad prevention, law might be the most useful thing he could be an expert at right about now. It’d damn sure be more helpful than having memorized nothing but strippers’ home addresses, Call of Duty cheats and the active ingredients for every cough medication on the market.

However, if Wayne knew anything about law he’d know better than to live his performing life as if he were permanently headlining the Ridin’ Dirty Tour. This motherfucker will take his drugs and illegal guns across state lines on a tour bus like it’s no thang, no matter how many times you bust his ass for the same moronic shit.

The Mo’Niques of the world idolize Wayne’s intelligence and continue to stroke his balls as he faces the prison he’s created for himself. I find him to be a clever little Ewok myself. But he’s clearly not the one-time learner humans are supposed to be. In fact, he only reminds me of those somewhat functional addicts who keep a job because they know it’s the key to staying geetered up on that 3rd Rock from the Sun.

They’re smart enough to know how to keep that fix coming.

And I’m going to address it before some of the ass-ignorant readers do. Let me guess. “Fuck all that smarty-art, school nigga shit you talkin’ ‘bout, Mexico. My nigga Weezy paid like a mawfucka.” Am I right? Of course I am. I know you negroes better than you know the trap house. I’ll see your lack of self-respect and raise you this: Acquiring money has absolutely no bearing on becoming the person you’d like to be. Put that in your stash house and sleep lightly.

Wayne’s obviously missed a few lessons on how this life and responsibility thing works. Fortunately, he’s finally headed to a quiet little dormitory where there will be plenty of time to study for that LSAT.

Questions? Comments? Requests? The Honorable Judge Ratchet presiding over your television at noon?

Aspiring rapsters, take note. Do not take guns and drugs on a tour bus under any circumstances. I know you think that’s what you’re supposed to do when on a music tour. But, think about it. You’re going to be a bunch of rappers in a ginormous luxury vehicle. You’re going to get pulled over and fucked with. This is inevitable.

Wait until the bus comes to a complete halt in your next road destination before acquiring the Green Acres. Then, make sure you smoke it all up or give the shit away before you hit the road again. I’m serious. The only weed that ever sees the inside of your tour bus should be planted there by a crooked cop.

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