There were a couple Negro Pleasings in the queue for today that came to a screeching halt in favor of yesterday’s breaking news. Apparently this nigga R. Kelly has decided to pen and publish a memoir. I thought this would more than likely entail that he plans to dictate his memoir to someone literate in preparation. Oh, was I wrong? I got my hands on a piece of the truly self-“written” Dubel Up: The Allabygrafical Story of R. Kelly under strict instructions not to share. While my word is my bond and I’m ethical to a fault [see: Big Green career], I had to break code and share some of this shit with you fine fellow haters.
[Blogger's Note: I'm assuming "allabygrafical" means everyone will buy it. This man's spelling process is something to study.]
“It was a cole winna moning in the Chi. But I needed sometihng warm for my body cudel up too. She say she need some of the same. Real talk. So I was like ok what you wone do with that look in my eyes. You no that look that say you wone get frekey cuz thats how I does. By this time she alredy no I aint got that 4play I got that 12play. That’s like 3 times the freke on a regalar nigga. So I let her be in controle for a minite and I aksed her what she want. And I cant believe what she toll me cuz it still make me feel like I was more frekeyer then I ever been even with my wife from before. Bless the dead. She say oh Rob I need that gold on me. I still aint was knowin what she was talkin bout so I went over to get one my gold reccerds form off the wall. She say no Rob I mean that gold you got from with in. I was so happy becuse her age was not nohtin but a number. I couldnt believe it she was so young but she was so machure. It seemed like she was ready but Im a good nigga so I aksed her if she was shore. She said yes and I want to have this buttiful mamory forever. So I aksed her if it was okay if we make a movie tape on it so we can always shear the mamory. She aint say nothing but Im wise enuff to no when a girl I mean a young women mean yes. So I told her to close her eyes and make herself happy and morst when I was set up the camora. Then I reach deep inside mysafe on the inside to shear my within gold with her. I had shear my gold with alot a people before but this time was diffrent. This time it wasnt no music like what you here on the radio. It was love music. I wispered I like that crotch on you genly into her sparkle shiny women place right before I gave her the gold she been aksin for.”
-Excerpt from Dubel Up: The Allabygrafical Story of R. Kelly, p. 69
This shit is too fuckin crazy for human consumption. This nigga Kelly got sections in the beginning where he talk about how the kids at school used to call him “Slyvester the Melester” and how it used to bother him “but it dont no more.” Then he talked about why he loves to make songs using a process he calls “song mouthing” because “righting is what everybody else is doin and I wone be arigenal.” Kelly also takes shots at Toure for “making [Kelly] look like a petafile.”
You gotta buy this shit when it comes out, even if you aren’t an Arruh Kelly fan. I’m amazed by the words he can and cannot spell.
I’ll let you read and enjoy the foreword by Roman Polanski on your own.
Questions? Comments? Requests? Have a gold record inside you? firstname.lastname@example.org