Dubel Up: The R. Kelly Story [Paperback]

There were a couple Negro Pleasings in the queue for today that came to a screeching halt in favor of yesterday’s breaking news. Apparently this nigga R. Kelly has decided to pen and publish a memoir. I thought this would more than likely entail that he plans to dictate his memoir to someone literate in preparation. Oh, was I wrong? I got my hands on a piece of the truly self-“written” Dubel Up: The Allabygrafical Story of R. Kelly under strict instructions not to share. While my word is my bond and I’m ethical to a fault [see: Big Green career], I had to break code and share some of this shit with you fine fellow haters.

[Blogger's Note: I'm assuming "allabygrafical" means everyone will buy it. This man's spelling process is something to study.]

“It was a cole winna moning in the Chi. But I needed sometihng warm for my body cudel up too. She say she need some of the same. Real talk. So I was like ok what you wone do with that look in my eyes. You no that look that say you wone get frekey cuz thats how I does. By this time she alredy no I aint got that 4play I got that 12play. That’s like 3 times the freke on a regalar nigga. So I let her be in controle for a minite and I aksed her what she want. And I cant believe what she toll me cuz it still make me feel like I was more frekeyer then I ever been even with my wife from before. Bless the dead. She say oh Rob I need that gold on me. I still aint was knowin what she was talkin bout so I went over to get one my gold reccerds form off the wall. She say no Rob I mean that gold you got from with in. I was so happy becuse her age was not nohtin but a number. I couldnt believe it she was so young but she was so machure. It seemed like she was ready but Im a good nigga so I aksed her if she was shore. She said yes and I want to have this buttiful mamory forever. So I aksed her if it was okay if we make a movie tape on it so we can always shear the mamory. She aint say nothing but Im wise enuff to no when a girl I mean a young women mean yes. So I told her to close her eyes and make herself happy and morst when I was set up the camora. Then I reach deep inside mysafe on the inside to shear my within gold with her. I had shear my gold with alot a people before but this time was diffrent. This time it wasnt no music like what you here on the radio. It was love music. I wispered I like that crotch on you genly into her sparkle shiny women place right before I gave her the gold she been aksin for.”

-Excerpt from Dubel Up: The Allabygrafical Story of R. Kelly, p. 69

This shit is too fuckin crazy for human consumption. This nigga Kelly got sections in the beginning where he talk about how the kids at school used to call him “Slyvester the Melester” and how it used to bother him “but it dont no more.” Then he talked about why he loves to make songs using a process he calls “song mouthing” because “righting is what everybody else is doin and I wone be arigenal.” Kelly also takes shots at Toure for “making [Kelly] look like a petafile.”

You gotta buy this shit when it comes out, even if you aren’t an Arruh Kelly fan. I’m amazed by the words he can and cannot spell.

I’ll let you read and enjoy the foreword by Roman Polanski on your own.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Have a gold record inside you? ron@ronmexicocity.com

  • DetroitDRaper

    Forward by Roman Polanski lmoa

    MAYN HOL’UP

  • http://Pierzy11@gmail.com Pierzy

    Classic! This is one of the best NP’s evar!

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

    Hi. Larry. Us.

  • Jhon da Analyst

    He better do that shit like the “In the Closet” series cause reading poor grammar usually gives me headaches. Even though I write fucked up sometimes. Oh Yeah, those publishers have proofreaders and ghostwriters.

  • $ykotic/Don McCaine

    Mexx said “song mouthing”. HAHAHAHA

    “petafile” HA! Word to Mike Vick.

    We the commenter’s should be voting on some “XXL Blog Awards 2K9″ stylee or something…

  • giantstepp

    Mex, you gotta be making this shit up, right? I usually pick right up on the satire but like Young Buck..a nigga is confused (this time)!!!Sadly, thats exactly how Kells sounds and I could visual the dude speaking reading your words. I do think that R Kelly is raw as a mutha musically tho….

  • JAY STONE

    Lmao.
    Looks like you have got your swagger back.

  • chitchat

    LMAO @ the gole reccerds enside us.

    classic.

  • Lowedwn

    Damn…there are not enough Ignition remixes to look past this shit.

    Am I the only one that thinks he should just take a Roman Polansky vacation and only release material from overseas, if at all? Shoot, I didn’t even know he had a new album out until yesterday when I went to grab that Clipse. “Untitled”….why? because every other album title can and will someday be held against him in a court of Law?

    (In Clayton Bigsby voice)
    Chocolate Factory???….That ni**er’s guilty!!!

  • Lowedwn

    Damn…there are not enough Ignition remixes to look past this.

    Am I the only one that thinks he should just take a Roman Polansky vacation and only release material from overseas, if at all? Shoot, I didn’t even know he had a new album out until yesterday when I went to grab that Clipse. “Untitled”….why? because every other album title can and will someday be held against him in a court of Law?

    (In Clayton Bigsby voice)
    Chocolate Factory???….That ni**er’s guilty!!!

  • AZ40

    Thanks alot I actually feel “dummer” for reading that shit…wow I went to public school and they ain’t fuck up this bad…him and Roman must’ve went “half” on a teenage lady

  • Brooklyn

    “acknowledgements: this book woodent even be possibo if it wusn’t four that nigga jerry lee lewis. just like i’m is the pied piper of r&b, he the pied piper of rock and roll. if it wusn’t four him marrying that 13 yurr old gurl, i wooda never married aaliyah. he showed us that age really ain’t nuthing but a numba…”–Dubel Up: The Allabygrafical Story of R. Kelly, pg. i

  • Caino

    to funny to quote!

  • http://J-Mace.deviantart.com Shawty J

    Hilarious, I was laughing the whole time I read this. Perhaps you can find a chapter about the making of “Trapped In A Closet.”

  • DV8

    I knew this was coming lol. Get’em Mex!!!!!

  • $ykotic/Don McCaine

    “According to AllHipHop.com, rapper Gangsta Boo has turned herself in to police after allegedly robbing a Dollar General store in Olive Branch, Mississippi back in July.

    Gangsta Boo was later released on $100,000 bond and charged with conspiracy to commit armed robbery.

    It is still unclear what Gangsta Boo’s role in the robbery may have been. So far police have revealed that another suspect in the robbery, Marcus Curtis, held up the Dollar General and armed with a black revolver he forced employee’s to empty a safe.”

    Holding up a Dollar Store is not gangsta…

    • El Tico Loco

      Marcus Curtis? Sounds like a 50cent like alias. haha 50 cent robs dollar store.

      • SOUTHSIDE A-TOWN

        SMH. damn. Gangsta Boo getting her ‘Choices’ on.

  • http://www.jamal7mile.blogspot.com Jamal7Mile

    Hahahaaa!! Exactly how I thought it would read! I couldn’t even finish commenting on that R.Kelly post yesterday.

    Page 69? HAAAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

  • BIGNAT

    ron ron has done it again this is some crazy shit once i read this. “She say oh Rob I need that gold on me.” i knew i was in for some extra crazy form of word play fuckery.
    “Have a gold record inside you?” man if kels could read he would be mad

    • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

      “man if kels could read he would be mad”

      ^^^Ha!

  • http://www.obeseamerica.com sankofa

    the man, the mouth, the legume

  • Chilly Willy

    “righting is what everybody else is doin and I wone be arigenal.”
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    Fuck it, I give up !

    *dies violently from stomach convulsion*

  • http://www.justice.gov.za GO-Getta’

    Read from top 2 bottom.LMFAO!!!!

  • http://xxlmag.com imonapaperchase

    OHHHHH SHIT!!!!!…mr. mexico good shit sir…oh man I was dying laughing…

    “She say no Rob I mean that gold you got from with in. I was so happy becuse her age was not nohtin but a number. I couldnt believe it she was so young but she was so machure. It seemed like she was ready but Im a good nigga so I aksed her if she was shore. She said yes and I want to have this buttiful mamory forever.”

    *best believe i copied & pasted cuz there is no way i could even type with dat much fucked up grammar lol*

    but yo dat shit had my gut hurting…but foreal tho i hope this isnt really his writing…I hope u poking fun at him cuz if he REALLY wrote that…then…he should automatically win the negro please tournament…there wont be a need 2 setup no damn brackets mr.mexico lol

  • P. Harris

    “She said yes and I want to have this buttiful mamory forever.”

    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    Fuctin Hilarious!!!

  • oskamadison

    Mex, you’s a twisted summabitch, lol.

  • http://www.jango.com/music/EmCDL EmCDL

    Damn, that ish was funny as hell…and the thing is, its people out there that really do write just like that…