Come on Barbie, let’s go Barbie

I checked Twitter last night, to see if Tiger Woods’ jumpoff count had reached the double digits (it had), and all people wanted to talk about was Nicki Minaj.

My former colleague Sickamore was on there congratulating himself for trying to sign Nicki Minaj to Atlantic, back when he worked there as an A&R. (Never let it be said that he doesn’t have an eye for talent.) Her appearance on 106 & Park was the talk of Black People Twitter. And that video of some butch lesbian talking about how Remy Ma “ate the box” resurfaced. Supposedly, Nicki Minaj is said butch lesbian – though I’m not sure if that’s true or not. I tried watching the video again to see if I can tell, and I think I’m starting to feel sick. I can barely eat. (Alright, I can eat.) It’s gonna take hours and hours of watching the kind of pr0n I enjoy – the kind with particularly attractive women, natch – to wipe that visual from my psyche. It’s a good thing I’ve got a lot of free time.

(Sidebar: Because I know some people were wondering the other day, Black People Twitter isn’t a separate application, for black people, a la what MySpace is to Facebook these days. The name Black People Twitter refers to the phenomenon of black people discussing ignorant shit on Twitter at night, while working people sleep. The results of which are reflected in the Trending Topics the following morning. Examples of topics from Black People Twitter would include #uainthittinitright and #blackpeoplethoughts. For further reading, check these posts on The Awl and Mediaite.)

Does this mean Nicki Minaj is the next big thing? If black people who know how to use Twitter (as opposed to, say, Lil Boosie) can’t stop talking her, who knows how popular she is in what you might call the rank and file black community – the people I live with here in a shanty town, as declared by Peter Rosenberg. And keep in mind, white people still use Twitter, too. We’re still at least six months out from the point when some cracka-ass cracka invents a separate Twitter for white people. Or is that what Google Wave is supposed to be? Anyway, you’d have to think that Nicki Minaj has at least as much buzz as any number of guy rappers who somehow got major labels to release their albums recently. A certain African fellow from this nation’s capital comes to mind… In fact, I’m convinced that the reason a Nicki Minaj album didn’t hit stores a long time ago is because the TIs know no one will buy a rap album by a woman, regardless of how much of a sideshow she is otherwise.

The formula used to seem so simple: Find a black chick with a nice set of cans, get a real MC to write her rhymes, then bam, you had a successful female rapper. Lil Kim didn’t even have a nice set of cans. It’s only been fairly recently that she added some volume, which I wouldn’t have recommended – not because I’m against that sort of thing (see: Jaymes, Jayden), but because some girls are beyond help in that regard, if they don’t have enough tissue there to begin with. Instead, they should focus on other ways to meet a man’s needs. If only Lil Kim was built like the woman who played her in the movie Notorious. To think, Lil Kim was upset with that casting decision. Meanwhile, that was the only thing that went right with that piece of shit.

Don’t get me wrong, that part of the movie was fucking obnoxious and shouldn’t even have been there. How in the fuck did the story of Biggie Smalls turn into a love triangle involving his baby’s mother, his wife, and his jumpoff? Who gives a fuck about any of those bitches? If they were included in the film at all, it should have been as a subplot about how Biggie’s romantic relationships were essentially a series of upgrades to ever more light skinted women. It could have even been extended to his relationship with his daughter. Would Biggie have spent more time with her, if she wasn’t so dark? As much as it pains me to say this, Yes, obviously he would have. They could have brought in Lee Daniels to work on the script. If he was too expensive, I would have done it for free, for my own personal amusement. I would have talked to the producers about introducing yet another female character – a white woman Biggie would have gotten with, if only he weren’t assassinated by Suge Knight. Which of course would have given the film an even more tragic connotation. You know Biggie had his crooked-ass eye on some white pussy. I wonder if he died without making the ultimate upgrade (in some people’s view).

Confession Time: Not only did I own a copy of Lil Kim’s Hard Core on CD, I probably still know like half the words to it. (It and that first Foxy Brown album, which sucks balls, are the only female rap albums I ever had. Because I’m a misogynist.) It’s kind of a lost classic of mid ’90s era rap music – except for the fact that it should be discounted, because Lil Kim isn’t a real MC. I feel the same way about it that the people from Pitchfork, who should know better, must feel about Kanye West’s oeuvre. Actually, it hadn’t even occurred to me that Lil Kim probably never wrote a rhyme a day in her life, until years later, when audio surfaced of the reference tracks Biggie made for her. It’s no wonder those songs are so good.

Nicki Minaj’s songs, meanwhile? Yikes! That freestyle she did with Oj da Jewman and Wacka Flocka on BET might honestly be the absolute nadir of rap music. I could check the archives of Cocaine Blunts, but I can’t imagine anything worse. Then there was that freestyle she kicked at the BET Awards. Why is she freestyling so much anyway? Is she trying to become the hoodrat Supernatural? There were complaints that her freestyle wasn’t a freestyle per se, but rather a “written.” She responded, to MTV, that a lot of the guy rappers there weren’t really freestyling either, and while her verse was pre-written, she wrote it herself. Which wasn’t even the issue, and which leads me to believe that someone else is writing her rhymes for her – probably Wacka Flocka, which would explain how bad they are. For her sake, let’s hope this really is just a matter of her needing a better ghostwriter. If that doesn’t work, I’m at a loss for why she should continue to pursue a career as a rapper. Shakur is a much more attractive woman (I’m sure Biggie would agree), and she’s hardly any worse an MC.

  • tommy gunz

    think i saw nicki minaj suckin horse cock on youjizz the other night..

    • valdez

      who the hell is paul rosenburg and why is he mentioned in every one of your posts, bol?

      also, it was really puffy who assasinated biggie, not suge (suge was responsible for setting up pac’s death). in these instances, puff and suge were merely following orders.

    • Deadly MIME

      yea Nicki Minaj is a fuckin joke. I can’t believe she’s gettin this much exposure in only a short matter of time. I think there is a 360 deal thing goin on cause most of these rappers that are big now are only gonna be popular for a good year or 2.

  • Slow-Mo

    Horrible Blog man… How u gonna say Nicki is wack?? U gotta get past the “shes a girl” and actually listen to her metaphors and her bars. Her delivery is refreshing and shes having fun w/ it. And why is it so hard to believe that shes writing her own raps? She had one of the best ciphers @ the BET awards (Eminem, Joey, Mos Def, Nicki… in case you want my order).

    • Enlightened

      Nigga what?

    • http://www.byroncrawford.com Sleeze $

      LOL if you feel so strongly about Nicki being a lyricist, you should get behind the wheel of your mom’s car and drive it off a cliff.

    • AZ40

      how is her delievery “refreshing” when it’s basically the same as lil wayne’s…she’s a made up character who has a baby voice and does a bunch of tone and octave changes( not that there’s anything wrong with that if that’s what someone is in to than so be it)…and by the way who is that nigga in the video tryin’ to be Wiz khalifa

    • valdez

      @ slow-mo…

      her delivery is refreshing?? really?? GTFOH!!

  • tommy gunz

    ^^^^lmao

    batch is beyond wack

    gtfoh

    you gotta be a young money gimp

  • Worley

    Nicki Minaj is a joke. She will be the second female rapper that I will be glad to see put out to pasture. The first? Missy.

  • Vhingrhamesonyo’momma

    Yeah bol thats definitely her…wouldn’t touch that bitch back then wit’ a fake dick but shit to think of her now and Remy when she was hot gettin it on I’da prolly pay to see that.I spend $20 buck on lunch so what’s a twentytwentwen on a nut right?

  • Enlightened

    I think I’ve figured this shit out now…

    I was on worldstar and they actually got a Nicki Minaj video from like 665 days ago or some shit that says “new Nicki Minaj video.”

    I’m like what the fuck? She’s actually been in the public eye for damn near 2 years?

    Then I thought about these 360 deals now that all the labels sign artists to. As y’all probably have heard, that means the label gets a piece of everything the artist does from shows to movies to any kind of endorsement deals – everything.

    So, lookin at it as a hustle…it makes a lot more sense to string muthafuckas like Nicki Minaj and Drake along for years without putting out an album. They are on major tours. So the label has been making money off them for well over a year now with no album in sight.

    Why put the album out and possibly end her career when nobody buys that shit?

    Might as well keep getting her on tours, hope she gets her own perfume etc. etc. like everybody else and just keep taking money from that shit.

    Hell, maybe Drake will end up on some show called “Degrassi: The College Years” and they’ll really be gettin money off that dude.

    • AZ40

      That’s a great theory…Does she have a 360 deal?

      • $ykotic/Don McCaine

        @ Enlightened

        Good sh*t.

        @ AZ40

        Most likely. Gucci does. And Wale.

        • SOUTHSIDE A-TOWN

          J. Cole got one too. & he has such a promising career. *crosses fingers*

    • D. $cience

      @ Enlightened:

      That sounds about right. These 360 deals are killers for those looking for major backing.

      What interests me about the “360 Deal” theory that you mentioned is involving artists with a lot of buzz, promo, major label backing, star co-signs, and don’t even have a f***ing album out. The interesting part is that it seems like artists such as J. Cole, Drake, Wale, Nicki Minaj, are lab rats for the higher-ups to test out 360 deals, assuming that artists won’t be able to pay back an advance with low-selling albums. For instance, people can say Wale’s undershipment of copies for his album was Interscopes fault, but according to what I’ve seen, Wale had promo everywhere from live performances to magazine interviews and features. But once again, I think Wale was a lab rat to test the waters and see how people would respond.

      And as far as Nicki goes, she calls herself a Barbie, and Universal is using her too by creating more of an image buzz than a music buzz. She’s from New York, but she does more cameos with Southern rappers than New York rappers, she rhymes like Lil Wayne with weird, annoying simple-as-123 metaphors and similes, and she’s hypersexualized. It’s less about the music and more of showing her cartoonish imagery for Young Money promo.

  • $ykotic/Don McCaine

    Man that chick sounds like she’s having convulsions when she raps. If she’s the future then I suggest cats take a long look at the past.

    But dudes are thinking with the lower head on this one…

  • DetroitDraper

    Waka Flaka ghostwriting anything=LMAO

    MAYN HOL’UP

  • Jhon da Analyst

    Like KRS said about Roxanne Shante……….”Nicki Minaj is only good for steady fuckin!” GTFOH with dat bullshit. These bastards aren’t gonna force this bitch down my throat. No pun intended. I’d like to see her in Apple Bottoms #14 or somethin though

  • Gift

    Nicki Minaj is strictly jump off material. She could get it, catch my skeeter, but as far as rhymin, I ain’t really just feelin her like that. She changes her voice to give her verse personality, but it really just comes off as annoying.

  • JAY STONE

    Jean grae(however you spell it) and lauyn hill are the only credible female rappers.

  • http://tehlush.blogspot.com dronkmunk

    It’s “Come on Barbie, Let’s go Party.” Nullus.

  • sealsaa

    “how is her delievery “refreshing” when it’s basically the same as lil wayne’s”

    Sounds like you’ve solved the mystery of who writes her rhymes.

    “But dudes are thinking with the lower head on this one…”

    LOL, speaking of which, did you see Joe Buddens eye fucking Manaj from behind on that BET cypha sounds? I swear, I thought he was going to dive in that booty face first.

    • $ykotic/Don McCaine

      Budden was mentally raping that chick…

  • HB

    Why does she freestyle so much anyway? Is she trying to become a hoodrat Supernatural. <<<<funny shit

  • http://www.itzallinyamouth.com The Unseen Hand

    Nikki Garbaj iz wack! i’d smash indeed, but ain’t no fuckin way i’m supossed to support that shit that comes out of a speaker on her behalf!

    Oh and this Wacka Flaka Flames dude sound like the name of a no-frills Foreman Grill..

    who da fuck iz J.Cole? dat nigga sound like a gay French Clothing Designer……

    Is this really “whats next”……….fuck!!!!!!

  • sealsaa

    “She had one of the best ciphers @ the BET awards (Eminem, Joey, Mos Def, Nicki… in case you want my order).”

    Minaj before Black Thought? *Dies*

    “Matter fact, you had worst flow in the whole fuck’n song” -Jay Z

  • valdez

    @ sealsaa…

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

    couldn’t have said it any better myself.

  • silentmurder

    Nicki Minaj = hoodrat with a record deal.

    that being said, she could get it

  • http://xxlmag.com Cal

    Motherfuckas must’ve been jackin’ off during her verse on the cypher coz they were using the wrong noggin coz that shit was GARBAGE! There’s only 3 types of people who like Minaj: Fruits, mongoloids who believe that she is the elusive female rap star people keep talking about, and the carpet eaters who worship her twitter!

  • BIGNAT

    “If they were included in the film at all, it should have been as a subplot about how Biggie’s romantic relationships were essentially a series of upgrades to ever more light skinted women.” smh you just keep getting worse bol

  • Enlightened

    Damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I just looked up the “Remy Ate The Box” Nicki Minaj video on youtube.

    I had no idea about the shit. If y’all niggas haven’t seen it, y’all need to go look at that shit before they finally get it took down.

    Take a look at what we’ve been walking around saying we’d fuck.

    Wow.

  • macdatruest

    I would pay to see Nicki Minaj on Ghetto Gaggers. Other than that…..do black men need more black women trying to live up to an image they can never muster??? Niggas aint runnig around tryna be G.I. Joe or He-Man haha

    • macdatruest

      I just seen the remy ate the box video. Damn!!!! So Nicki Minaj was a lil man dike?! I feel sick… and I apologize for my statement

  • http://www.justice.gov.za GO-Getta’

    Nicki Minaj, Angela Lola Luv,Kid Sister i cool 2 look @ but they posses none of sthe kills an emcee should ‘ve.

    PS:Was just bumpin’ “doo woop” by Lauryn Hill whoa!those were the days.

  • nicholasdelorejo

    I see a lot of guys here criticizing Nicki’s skills. And to that I say your right. Nicki’s somewhere between Wayne and Gucci. But let’s be honest here, IF SHE WAS AN AVERAGE LOOKING CHICK THAT DIDN’T DRESS SEXUALLY, NO MAN WOULD HAVE BOTHERED TO LISTEN TO HER. So lets cut this crap about not wanting to listen to a female rapper because of here lack of skills and admit that we men generally wouldn’t bother with a female artist unless she’s sexy. If you don’t agree with me tell me how many albums have Rah Digga or Jean Grea sold.

    I’m not saying Nicki’s sexual image should be the main factor for us to buy her music but you know she is a rapper in today’s marlet, the same market which made Officer Ricky Ross think of his image as a drug lord over his actual rhymes. Until consumers begin to appreciate lyrics and content over the image and lifestyles that rappers portray to have, I suggest we either cut Nicki some slack or place this criticism to all mainstream rappers as well.

  • NotoriousAGC

    i know you dudes saw that before and after NO ASS havin then bubble butt next day video on nicki minaj on youtube right?…her formula is over-used formula=retarded vocals(is hot right now) and gettin your ass gelled so the hiphop community (guys who love ass and rhymes) atleast take one good look @ you

  • MidWest Grindin

    I dont know where ya’ll from, but where i’m from (Cleveland), it’s some fine ass bitches that stay up north. This bitch would be considered what we call a buttahead, meaning her face is thru but her body is pretty banging. There’s a million bitches in the world like that, so this hoe is nothing special to even make me say i would smash. Her rhymes are trash, of course. Is it just me, or does her flat ass face and big nose remind you of “The Count” from Sesame Street?? LOL, maybe i’m just trippin. Dont blame me man…i got lil shorties i gotta watch shit like that!

  • ladidadida

    I don’t care about nicki minaj!!!!!! She cant rap its just jockin waynes flow!!!!! Not a biggot!! ther are good female rappers jean grey even amanda diva aint bad.

  • Broke Iz A Disease

    There was a white jumpoff in the movie, FAith beat her ass. (in real life it was supposed to be Kim tho)

  • geico lizard

    I watched that Remy ate the box video again and yes that is Nicki Minaj. Nicki is a lesbian trying to sell records thats why she is selling sex on the records to men. This broad doesnt even like men. No woman goes from being heartbroken over Remy Ma to dating men again. Nicki,Missy Elliot and Queen Latifah all those chicks are lezbos.

  • btb

    How can anyone co-sign Nicki Minaj when her rap voice sounds like Lil Wayne but she’s from fucking Brooklyn? Listen to her in interviews. If she just rapped like that, it would be a lot easier to accept her as a rapper instead of Lil Wayne with tits (||)

    • $ykotic/Don McCaine

      “she’s from fucking Brooklyn”

      “she’s from fucking QUEENS”

      • btb

        My mistake. But my point still remains. If she just used her real voice, it would be a lot easier to take her seriously. I know, she considers herself an “entertainer,” but an artist can be entertaining without sacrificing authenticity. Case in point: Devin.

  • capcobra

    niguz acting like she made “it’s so cold in the D” or some shit…damn.

    • http://blendzmusik.blogspot.com dj blendz

      LOL dont look now but last i heard there was remix comin to that haha

  • TheCoolest

    The Miseducation Of Lauryn Hill is the only female rap album i Love and listen to all the time…

    Oh, and Lauryn Hill is the greatest female rapper of all time and Nicki Minaj is a more trash watered down female version of wayne..

  • http://masticationvideo.blogspot.com Kent Daugherty

    http://www.xxlmag.com‘s done it again! Superb post.