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Where’s Barack? I Mean… Jesse?!

As promised, we must discuss Lil Boosie’s clamoring for Jesse Jackson to come to his defense. We already knew Boosie was a moron, my homie D put me up on a Crunk & Disorderly blog that neatly displays just how quickly His Royal Badness is sinking into hoery and hollow hyperbole.

At least, I hope he’s exaggerating. I mean, he has to be when he says he knows “millions of people with paper on them for gun and drug charges”, right?

Boosie is right about one thing. He got sentenced because of who he is. Boosie is a gun and drug-toting probation violator. That’ll get you in the can just about every time. Having millions of such niggas in one’s Blackberry contact list doesn’t bode well for the prospect of change. Recidivism is a motherfucker. We need to get this little arthropod into a Big Brother program or some shit. Boosie needs a role model.

Needless to say, Boosie doubling up his own prison time after defying the court in speech and deed is not a political matter. We need to save the good Reverend Jackson’s assistance for actual strippers in distress. Besides, he ain’t accepting those expensive-ass collect calls from the bing. Nigga need to find out what Jackie Chiles is doing right about now.

After priding himself on being a hardened criminal with a Teflon fade, Boosie’s now holding up the white flag by claiming to be a first-time offender and looking for clemency? Why, that’s not Bad Azz at all. Sounds more like Boosie Bitch Ass to me. Someone should remind Boosie that first timers get locked up sometimes too. I thought he knew millions of people with paper on them. You would think at least a couple hundred thousand of those references went down on their first convictions.

Too bad Boosie’s clearly not using this time to think about what he did wrong and how he can make his life better when he comes home. He’s only going to be “beating his dick to bad bitches.” That’s just lewd, lascivious, salacious and outrageous.

Boosie’s also under the impression that prison is going to improve his career by boosting record sales. He seems excited about this cast-iron lining to his now doubly large stormcloud. Superbitch is even claiming that people are booking club appearances for the first Saturday he comes home from prison. Seriously? What kind of shit is that? Niggas are booking weekends in 2013? Sounds to me like Boosie’s cellmate promised him a residency at Ray’s Boom-Boom Room when they splash down.

Ray Gibson: Cookie, you gon’ be the chef. And, Boosie… You gon’ perform “Wipe Me Down”

Boosie: With Charmin?

Ray: *fondly* Boosie, you can have all the Charmin you want. *resuming excited pace* Shit finna be crackin’! We gon’ have gamblin’…

We touched on the fallacy of the prison productivity theory when we discussed what rappers actually miss while in the pokey sidestepping cockmeat sandwiches. With the exception of a couple of megastars whose situations have drawn national attention and widespread discussion, incarceration has a disastrous effect on one’s career.  I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T musicians—which Boosie claims to be, yet has zero control over so much as his own record’s guest appearances—miss out on critical performances, recording and in-person promotion while locked up. In today’s fast food music industry, a year away is enough time to be completely forgotten and rendered old, or irrelevant.

Nobody wants a soggy Filet-o-Fish and cold-ass fries. You can’t microwave McDonald’s either. The shit is nasty.

[Blogger’s Note: Boosie also likens himself to 2Pac in the Ozone interview. I can imagine you’re all as Boosied out as I am, but that might have to be an NP unto itself.]

Way to blame “them crackers” at the beginning, too. I’m sure “them crackers” made Boosie violate his probation. I expect a man so well-informed about sales figures to be more cognizant of the notion that “them crackers” are buying his records. I guarantee you Boosie’s biggest and most supportive fan is a 15-year-old Louisiana girl of the “cracker” persuasion.

Boosie needs to just bite that bullet and keep his head up. My greatest fear is that these impressionable youngsters are listening to all this crazy shit like it’s some prime time game they need to be up on. As we’re all aware, sensationalized crime thrillers seem to be all the rage with the young’ns nowadays.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Where [in the world] is Barack [Sandiego]?

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