When it was announced that XXL readers would be allowed to vote for this year’s Video Ho, ahem, Eye Candy of the Year, I was hoping it would be between Rosa Acosta and Shakur.
Between the two of them, they’ve changed the game for video hoes. Never before have video hoes been so light skinted and so jiggly, and yet so thin. If you would have told me, as recently as two years ago, that Esther Baxter would be out of a job by the end of the decade, I wouldn’t have believed you. Isn’t she a good five years younger than I am? But it’s been a while since I’ve seen her in any of these magazines. I think she is still modeling, because I seem to recall seeing her in a video recently over at World Star, but she might not be XXL material at this point. She might need to see about getting a spread in Kay Slay’s Straight Stuntin’ magazine, alongside my boo Ashley Logan. Worst case scenario, there’s always that magazine FEDS puts out, primarily for guys in prison. I’ve never actually seen a copy of this magazine myself, even on the Internets, but from what I understand, there’s basically no aesthetic standard for the women in it. Some of the girls I used to work with at Hardees could probably be featured. Yikes!
My only concern is that XXL might not have gone with both Rosa Acosta and Shakur, because they’re so similar. As far as I’m concerned, they’re both as beautiful and unique as snowflakes. But they do both fit that LSLH mold, as defined by black female gossip bloggers, many of whom could have tried out for the lead role in Precious, if they didn’t already have beds made of money to sleep on. (If they make a male sequel to Precious, obviously I’d be taking a sabbatical from this site. I’ve got the fried chicken-eating part down.) I figured XXL might go with one of the aforementioned two and one of these dark skinted black chicks who are built like a brick shithouse. Bria Myles or somebody. She’s still in “modeling,” right? I stumbled upon a few pictures of her on a Tumblr called Fuck Yeah Thick Bitches, and I’m not gonna lie – I’d throw a paper bag on that and ride it into town.
So I checked XXL the other day, and I saw where they’d posted the poll where you can vote on the video ho of the year, and come to find out it’s between Rosa Acosta and Tammy Torres. The fuck? Tammy Torres looks like Rosa Acosta with a more mediocre face and a more mediocre body. I wouldn’t kick her out of my bed for crackers, but I’m at a loss for how XXL could go for two LSLH broads and not have the second one be Shakur. Are they trying to reach out to this country’s growing hispanic population? I’ve never even heard of Tammy Torres, and I spend a significant amount of my free time researching models on the Internets. Granted, girls qualified to appear in rap videos isn’t my area of expertise, but still. The text accompanying the poll says she was in videos for Fabolous’ “Everything, Everyday, Everywhere” and Birdman’s “Money to Blow,” and I’ve never even heard of those videos. Shakur, meanwhile, was in the best video of all time. Of all time!
The only thing I can think is that there must be some truth to the claim that Shakur was banging a guy named Carl Chery, who used to work for this site. The TIs must have found out and had her blacklisted. You know XXL has been having some problems with people pretending to hold casting calls for Eye Candy, to trick women into having sex with them – an idea I put forth in the very last column I wrote for the print version of XXL. (Coincidence?) A few weeks ago, after I posted a picture of Shakur I found at Sandra Rose on my own site, I received an email from a guy who claimed he once dated Shakur, but then she went and got her nose, her cans and her ass molded into legendary form, and she left him for a guy named Charles from XXL. I wasn’t aware of anyone at XXL named Charles, but I did know a Carl. I suggested that it might be him, and the guy was like, “Yeah, that’s right, his name was Carl.” Which admittedly sounds rather suspicious, but then the guy emailed me a picture of her in his car at the airport, right after she had her nose done. I checked it using a site called Tineye, which I sometime use in my pr0n research, and it’s definitely not something he just found in Google.