How I know the Clipse really are drug dealers

While most rappers try to convince people they’re drug dealers, even though they aren’t, the Clipse find themselves in the opposite situation. They’re trying to convince people they aren’t drug dealers, even though they obviously are.

The first sign was when the older of the two brothers, who appears to be about 50 (he must have dipped into his own supply once or twice) put out that video of himself making pancakes, right around the time their manager got sent up for epic weed and cocaine trafficking. For a minute there, it looked like it was about to be a video about how to make crack. He had the Pyrex pot, and the stove cranked up, just like on a Raekwon album. I was like, what the fuck is this guy doing? Doesn’t he know it was just revealed that all of those songs about he and his brother moving weight were true stories? Hell Hath No Fury sold as if it was HPV in audio form, but the Clipse can’t be that desperate that they’re making videos of themselves selling drugs and uploading it to the web, can they?

But come to find out, it was just a video of him making himself a stack of delicious pancakes. The idea was obviously to suggest that the Clipse are regulars, who have to make themselves stacks of delicious pancakes, because they can’t afford to pay a smokin’ hot stripper in one of those French maid outfits to make it for them, the way a drug dealer would. (I’m assuming this is what a drug dealer would do, based on what I would do, if I had that kind of money.) Then the camera zoomed out to reveal the exterior of his house, and his BMW, which were certainly nicer than anything I’ll ever have, but hardly beyond the grasp of someone who’s reasonably intelligent and who managed to find a job that pays a salary commensurate with his level of ability. (Again, I can only imagine what this would be like.) The guy next door probably works in insurance or some shit.

This video would have been more convincing to me, if I didn’t have serious doubts as to whether the Clipse have ever made any money from selling rap albums. That first album wasn’t a complete and utter failure; “Grindin’” probably came on the radio, if you weren’t living in a town with 17,000 people and two country stations at the time. But the album was produced by the Neptunes in its entirety, and it didn’t sell the way you’d expect an album produced in its entirety by the ’02-era Neptunes to sell. If it had generated a profit, it probably wouldn’t have taken so long to produce a followup. Said followup, when it finally was released, was a complete and utter failure. And everything they did in the interim and since has been free mixtapes, and not the kind of free mixtapes where they should almost be paying you to download it – the kind of free mixtapes where the artists, suspiciously, could give a rat’s ass about releasing a real album.

The dead giveaway was when the Clipse did a song with Rawse. Didn’t the Clipse used to talk down on rappers who pretend to be drug dealers, in interviews? I’m asking, because I’m honestly not sure, but I do seem to recall that being the case. Someone get Brendan Frederick on the phone. He’s into the Clipse the way white women are into Twilight. (*searches eBay for a set of RZA’s old fangs*) He probably has a shrine to the Clipse in his garage, like that guy who assassinated Biggie Smalls. Even if they never dissed Rawse and his ilk, you’d have to think they’d be wary of doing a song with him. Rawse isn’t just a pretend drug dealer – this motherfucker used to be a cop. Doing a song with him would be brand suicide, for a group whose career is predicated on the fact that they really are drug dealers. Unless that was the goal.

Doing a song with Cam’ron wouldn’t necessarily be useful to that end because Cam’ron doesn’t sell drugs, but because I’m convinced Cam’ron doesn’t do much of anything. It became clear to me, listening to Crime Pays (which isn’t bad, for what it is), that Cam’ron wouldn’t have any moral problems with being a drug dealer. This motherfucker would sell crack to a grade school kid and show him how to smoke it. He’s as hollow on the inside as I pretend to be on the Internets, to keep myself in reasonably priced Australian wine. That irritable bowel syndrome must have really fucked with his psyche. But if you notice, Cam’ron will just up and disappear for months, or years at a time, and I’m pretty sure he’s not out selling drugs. He’s probably just sitting at home that entire time. Part of it might be that, like old women who used to do anal (which ruins your asshole), he’s afraid to stray too far from somewhere where he knows he can use the restroom. But he’s probably just a huge slacker. The dead giveaway was when he revealed that he was working on his own version of Curb Your Enthusiasm. He probably sits around in his underwear all day watching Hannah and Her Sisters, like I did when I was in college. In fact, he might want to consider getting into blogging. I mean, since he’s sitting at home all day anyway. I can tell from his rhymes that he’s fascinated with language. I’d love to hear his thoughts on the movie Precious.

But I digress.

The Clipse’s video with Cam’ron, for “Back by Popular Demand,” finds them standing in the lobby of Obama Fried Chicken, rapping about sitting in a car eating chicken and fries. Unless fried chicken is a new Ghostface-style euphemism for cocaine, I’m assuming this is another attempt to align themselves with the common man. I had to eat some fried chicken in the parking lot of a Popeyes once, because I couldn’t wait to get home. But it wasn’t because of some sort of sad pathology, like in the aforementioned Precious – there was an incident. I ordered my chicken, got around to the window and paid for it. The girl put my chicken in a box, then put the box in a plastic bag, and then she got into an argument with some guy whose order she probably fucked up. The whole time she’s standing there arguing with this guy, she’s got my chicken in her hand, swinging it around and shit, when she could have just as easily given it to me and gone back to arguing with him. I was hungrier than a motherfucker. I would have gone inside, but, as I’m sure you can imagine, I’m deathly afraid of confrontation. I finally got my chicken, when the cops showed up (at random, probably just to get some chicken), and the guy was like, nevermind. How much do you want to be she really did fuck up his order, and he let it slide, because he didn’t want to go to jail over some ol’ bullshit? That’s why, when I have the time, I go out of my way to visit fast food restaurants staffed by white people. Yeah, I said it!

If this new Clipse song lacks the same level of detail as my Popeyes story, that’s because the Clipse don’t really eat at Popeyes. There probably isn’t a Popeyes anywhere near the older one’s house. (Think of the nicest neighborhood where you saw a Popeyes.) They just want you to think that, to throw off the scent.

  • P-Matik

    “I had to eat some fried chicken in the parking lot of a Popeyes once, because I couldn’t wait to get home.”

    LMAO

    • geico lizard

      My nigga Bol is preaching today man. That food just isnt as good when you have to microwave it at home. I need that shit hot and somewhat fresh or as fresh as greasy fast food chicken can get.

  • Apollo Moses

    LMAO! You just killed me the Popeyes Chicken story…damn

  • johngone

    what the hell were you talking about in this post? rofl

    • valdez

      “The first sign was when the older of the two brothers, who appears to be about 50 (he must have dipped into his own supply once or twice)…”

      LMAO!!! ceo mal is that dude tho.

  • JAY STONE

    The first sign was when the older of the two brothers, who appears to be about 50 (he must have dipped into his own supply once or twice) put out that video of himself making pancakes, right around the time their manager got sent up for epic weed and cocaine trafficking
    —————-
    LMAO

  • Casey

    LMAO great post…

    Except the Clipse have made some money off rap. The all-knowing Wikipedia told me they’ve sold nearly a million copies of their first album.

    • BIGNAT

      yes but did you notice the part almost all neptune produced means. they have to sell alot to pay for them beats. or them checks just go straight to pharell they making there money on the road.

  • Smitty

    i give this post an A-. the only thing bad about it, is it made me hungry as shit. those fukers are definitely moving some drugs

  • Grimey G

    Not that it matters but I think they stole that pancake thing from Don’t be a Menace. I agree though, the Clipse are rappers that I actually believe sold drugs. Same with 50, DMX, and anybody in Wu-Tang. The ones I don’t believe are Jay-Z, Lil Wayne, and most of all Rawse who I’d wager has never even committed a felony. The problem with people who never sold drugs rapping about it is they tend to glorify it whereas the real former dealers can speak on the harsh reality of the drug game and give informed insight. Rawse raps like selling coke is super fun and you make millions without any danger whatsoever.

  • Gerv

    I need that comic relief 4real.They probably just sittin hoping they boy that got locked up don’t bring them up in court.I don’t think they sell dope no more but that don’t mean they keepin they hands clean of the game.We all know with never seeing it he owns more than that X5 witch is probably his bitches family vehicle.

  • sealsaa

    “He(Cam’ron) probably sits around in his underwear all day watching Hannah and Her Sisters, like I did when I was in college. In fact, he might want to consider getting into blogging.”

    Well,we know he’s not organizing a neighborhood watch, that’s for damn sure…

    • Flakker

      Bahahaha!

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

    Imagine Clipse rapping about anything else…

    That would be like the time Das Efx released songs without the “iggedy”.

  • Vhingrhamesonyo’momma

    “This motherfucker would sell crack to a grade school kid and show him how to smoke it. “…I just sharted all over the place and I’m @ work! damn you bol! LMAO!

  • dat koon nigga

    “That irritable bowel syndrome must have really fucked with his psyche…………
    He’s probably just sitting at home that entire time. Part of it might be that, like old women who used to do anal (which ruins your asshole), he’s afraid to stray too far from somewhere where he knows he can use the restroom. But he’s probably just a huge slacker ”

    dont forget byron this nigga be smokin blunts all day

    i also do the same shit and when i smoke sometime i get the shit drips when i cough and i know this nigga cam got the same problem with his fucked up stomach from him being a drunk

    then cheap cigars phillies & dutches fuck your insides up

    thats why hes not around sometimes

  • DrewBreez

    The Clipse sold drugs to my illegitimate children. Ross put them in Protective Services, snitch that he is. Then Snoop came over and rolled a blunt, which he then proceeded to ash on my Persian rug.

  • BGZ

    I like the Thortons’ rap; I just wish their first album came out around ’94-’96 – shit would have been a classic (Lord Willin’ still is IMO).

    Still, even their half-assed songs are better than 90% of mainstream rap out today.

    And Killa Cam might actually has a house in Virginia, that’s why he did that song with them….

  • latino heat

    i don’t think the Clipse have too much money period. i remember a XXL article around 2005 where it said one of them (can’t remember which one) lived in Pharell’s house. i know Yayo lives with 50 which i also think is gay. my point being, why would any grown man that is really making money from record sales or dope money, live / sponge off of another grown man?

    i’ve never seen any fast food restaurant staffed by white people before. they might have 1 or 2 tokens at the most but i’ve never seen any fast food place that was even a majority white.

    • 1hunid

      Panera Bread….maybe..if you can consider that fast food. Im sure your talkin ‘traditional’ fast food though. You might be right.

      • GIBZ

        I think Bol is referring to fast food joints in the hood, or urban areas lol. St. Louis, last time I checked, was pretty urban. I’m in Jersey where it’s the same, all fast food spots are ran by mostly minorities (blacks and hispanics) except for the Panera, but that is in a super rich area.

        I’m with you on hittin’ the fast food spot when its white ppl, cus for some reason niggas ain’t really tryin to make shit good. I was at the local Taco Bell the other nite when most the minorities was workin, and they fucked the fuck up my order! My chicken burrito had barely any chicken and was super thin, but when I hit the same spot up during the day when the “white” manager and all his minions were working, them burritos were huge!! lol idk just my two cents

        • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

          GIBZ!

          You said two key words in the same sentence: niggas & chicken. That explains it all…

  • MaxDowski

    Cam’ron IS dead on the inside and definitely sits around his house all day by himself in joggers and banged up dipset chain. He calls his friends to come over and watch movies and they make up excuses why they can’t go over because being around Cam makes them sad. Of coures that’s only because he’s a reflection of their own sadness, but still.

  • yoprince

    lol. hilarious drop.

    clipse, however, never sold drugs. them dudes is rappers, through and through. they just connected, which in the 7 cities area of VA, isn’t difficult… lot of ports = lot of trafficking.

    as much as we love to clown officer ricky, he was connected as well.. ran with a well-known gang in miami that was known to have prison guards on payroll (which is why he never wanted to talk about it). yes, he does still embellish his “criminal role,” so to speak, in his rhymes, but who doesn’t?

    cam was a bit-hustler, nickel and dimes, in HS and in junior college, nothing serious, nothing your avg middle class kid might not have done as well if he had an entrepreneurial spirit.

    • epinz

      @yoprince

      i feel u to an extent. but i work with a ngga who used to promote shows for them nggz and that ngga know for a fact that these nggz was doin it. they still embelish it alil but they was def grindin. the crazy shit is that he aint know that the manager was gettin in like that, and they all boyz….

      the crazy shit also was that the ngga malice called this ngga one day and started prayin with the ngga on the phone!! u know how he stay rappin that spiritual shit, word on everything i luv, that ngga malice was on some spiritual parinoid shit. ive met them nggz through my boy and them nggz dnt drink or smoke! passed on the kush like it was crack!!!! true story!!!!

      • yoprince

        that’s word.

        i was going off what some VA niggas told me… i went to school out there and my homey was from norfolk. one thxgiving i didn’t go home, he took me around the hood looking for trees. the niggas who hooked us up were definitely official about theirs, but hell, i don’t think they knew them dudes personally… or they may have just been salty about outta town niggas askin about the clipse all the time.

        cuz trust me, i heard the same rhymes dude below me is quoting and i had to ask if they were really gettin it in like that.

  • http://dasteamwerkmusik.blogspot.com bollocks

    If there was ever any reason to question the honesty/legitimacy of Clipse’s raps, all you need to do is peep Malice’s verse from “I’m Not You,” off the CLAAAAAASSSSIIIICCC Lord Willin:

    “It shames me to no end to feed poison to those who could very well be my kin. But where there’s demand, someone will supply. So I feed them their needs, and at the same time, cry. Yes, it pains me to see them need this; all of them lost souls, and I’m their Jesus. Deepest regret and sympathy to the streets, I’ve seen them pay for their fix when their kids couldn’t eat. And with that in mind, I still didn’t quit. And that’s how I know that I ain’t shit.”

    Fake trappers glorify the lifestyle because they don’t understand its dark underbelly. Real trappers reflect on it and have realistic ideas about what it means to hustle (word to Grimey G, although I believe Jay’s stories, too).

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      …and the church said “amen”.

      if malicioso is fronting, give that man an academy fucking award.

      and bol, i thought the pancake video in the wake of anthony g’s publicized downfall was genius.

      “The guy next door probably works in insurance or some shit.”

      realest shit, mr. crawford. i always talk about the notion of rappers fantasizing over a level of financial security niggas can attain with regular-ass jobs. six figures aren’t that far out of reach. and them dollars go a lot farther when you ain’t spending it as soon as you get it on dumb nigga shit.

  • eesco

    Yo Bol, this is the funniest shit you have droppd in a minute. That shit about Cam was classic, and the Popeye’s story is oh so true. Ive had that same shit happen so that is also y i try to go to fast food joints manned by those of the paler persuasion. Oh and yeah them niggas deal or roll with real dealers.

  • http://xxl All Dae

    funny post. with all the snitchen and hating its better to serve and pretend u dont.

  • alderman j

    CAM DISAPPEARS FROM TIME TO TIME BECAUSE HE still getting checks off HORSE and CARRIAGE, yall forget cam went gold twice when niggas wasnt even thinking about going PLAT. Then he came with COME HOME WITH ME, PUPLE HAZE, DIPLOMATS VOL 1 AND 2, SANTANA WENT PLAT, JIM WENT GOLD, PAID IN FULL MOVIE, OWNED SIZZURP, COVER OF GQ, He RAPS for fun, he aint rich as FIF JAY and PUFF, but he got PLENTY MONEY.

  • Brooklyn

    that popeyes story is true as shit, i remember when they gave out those fucking coupons and everybody and their mama was lined up to get ten pieces of chicken for like four dollars or some shit. niggas were fighting like wild dogs on that damned line, it sadly confirmed all the stereotypes about niggas and fried chicken. but on the real, i agree with bollocks and grimey g, real drug dealers have seen too much shit go down to come out rapping about how cool and fun dealing drugs is. they’ve seen the hollow souless eyes of the addicts selling their last possessions for a drug that’s slowly killing them, they’ve seen the destruction that the drugs do to the family, how father robs son, mother pimps daughter, parents leave children to fend for themselves while they go out and do what they have to do to chase that next high. dudes that they grew up with getting killed over money, land, rep, what have you. niggas that don’t deal, they don’t understand, they’re looking from the outside in, and as far as they can see, the nice clothes, the nice cars, that’s all good. but they can’t see the realness, they don’t understand what it takes, and they make it seem all easy and shit. i definitely think that the clipse were selling drugs at some point, probably not as much as they claim, but they were definitely in the game.

  • that nigga

    Now, this is the true definition of snitchin’. Why you, BOL worried bout how them niggas make there money? I know your a blogger but, all due respect: NOT COOL.

  • THE KINGPIN

    I LOVE HOW JAY-Z HATER’S WANT TO ALWAYS CALL HIM A LIAR, BUT ONLY AFTER SOMEONE THAT ISN’T EATING OFF OF HIM ANYMORE GET’S PISSED. ON THE SONG “H TO THE IZZO” HE HAS A LINE ABOUT DRIBBLING DOWN IN VA, YEARS LATER NAS’ OLD PROTEGE QUAN HAD AN INTERVIEW I BELIEVE IN XXL MAG WHERE HE SAYS HE REMEMBER’S JAY-Z BEING IN VIRGINIA MOVING WEIGHT OR LIKE IN THE SONG NEVER CHANGE WHERE HE DESCRIBES LOSING $100,000 IN CRACK & THEN GETTING IT BACK & THEN HE SAYS IT’S ALL FACT. I NEVER HEARD 1 PEEP FROM DEHAVEN, JAZ-O OR ANY OF THESE GUYS HE SUPPOSEDLY WRONGED LATER ON, SAY IT WASN’T TRUE & THEN YEARS LATER, YOU HEAR HE NEVER DID THIS OR THAT! GET THE F OUTTA HERE. THIS STORY WAS ABOUT THE CLIPSE NOT JAY-Z,LIL WAYNE OR RICK ROSS FOR THAT MATTER. HELL I USED TO LIKE 50 CENT ALL HE TALKS ABOUT IS SHOOTING PEOPLE, HOW MANY HAS HE SHOT LATELY?!

    STAY TRILL!!!!!!!!

  • black

    Yo you seen Cam’s house? I would stay at home too!Dude has a fucking yacht too.

  • http://xxlmag fuck u

    dis nigga who wrote dis shit is a fuckin lame lol u are a super lame yall niggaz be speakin on shit yall niggaz dont kno shit bout y yall niggaz get n here like u yall kno bout people lives u dont kno u must aint never experience shit n yo life its white crakers dat sell dope yall niggaz some fuckin lames

  • .tony.

    I’d love to hear his thoughts on the movie Precious.

    fuck
    king
    lol

  • caino

    Ahh Bol you hit the mark again, laughing out loud on my lunch break here at work!

    The Cam paragraph had me in stitches!

  • SW PHILLY

    The Clipse can spit better than most of these “Half-assed” rappers out now. The only thing holding them back: Production. They need to venture out to other producers. Jus Blaze, “Breathe” comes to mind or Kanye even. Shout out to Roscoe P. Coldchain.

  • Prince Caesar

    I’m sitting in the library at my college holding my damn mouth to keep from laughing loud as hell. I swear this post had to be some of the funniest shit, ever. Bol, you’re a damn fool.Keep up the bad work, my man.

  • these posts are racist

    Byron,

    Have been busy and not around on XXL lately. This was hilarious…But I disagree with you. The Clipse are not involved in the drug trade. They MAY be “investors” of sort…but probably one or two people removed from the weight dealing/deal making.

  • Jung

    Byron has been on fuckin fire for the last few months.

    Chalk up another one for the dark side!!

  • P. Harris

    fucting hilarious!

  • shannon

    lmao @ poppeys plus the clisp plus the clipse got enough money not to rap no more

  • chillin mayne

    dayum son….xxl got the blogging crown between yall 3…when dallas get back yall the bloggin all star team son…

    classic blog…just like all ur blogs… nullus jaaaaaaaaaa

    bol is better than jay–z….jay=2 classic albums… bol = 5 to 6 classics per week

  • http://www.candidbackshots.com guttaman

    yeah CAMron does seem souless. in a depressing, pothead, F the world sort of way.

  • guttaman

    candidbackshots.com

  • http://www.32weekspregnantultrasound.com/32-weeks-pregnant-lot-of-lower-back-pain-and-thigh-pain-all-of-the-sudden/ if im 32 weeks pregnant how many months am i

    There are some great ideas here. I must redesign my blog sometime. I am going to start from scratch this time I think.

  • hi

    this guy must not like clipse much. calling lord willin a failure then saying hell hath no fury was a failure is absolutely hilarious. both critically acclaimed albums and reaching top ten in billboard 200 must mean failure? lord willin has almost sold 1 million copies

  • xy

    What tha fuck was this article hahah