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Have a baby by Rawse, meet Floyd Mayweather

It’s too bad my father doesn’t have beef with 50 Cent, because then I could get Fiddy to take me on a trip to Floyd Mayweather’s house. Which I’m sure is even more exciting than Morris Day’s house. No fishsticks.

The only thing that would be weird is that Fiddy might demand to have sex with my mother. Which could actually pose an occupational hazard to yours truly. It’s hard enough as it is, spending the time it takes keeping up with Fiddy’s various shenanigans to maintain a career as a professional blogger. (Rappers I actually like just aren’t as interesting.) I don’t know if I could bring myself to do it, if I knew Fiddy and I were practically related. Fortunately, my mom’s kinda old (obvs), so Fiddy might settle for just insinuating that he and my mother had been intimate. It would still be embarrassing as shit, but embarrassment is something you learn to live with, when you can’t find meaningful work. Word to anyone who’s ever been “hogging.”

*cranks up “Regrets” by Jay-Z*

Rick Ross’ son Rawse Jr. lucked out this weekend. 50 Cent brought him and his mother, Tia (the one who wrote the book, not the crack ho), to the Mayweather residence. Just now, I was scanning the Internets for any pr0n I may have missed while I was off this weekend working like a Hebrew slave, and I stumbled upon a couple of pictures of Fiddy, Floyd, and Rawse’s Family. There’s a few different kids, and I think only one of them belongs to Officer Ricky, but I’m not sure which one it is. The other ones either belong to Mayweather, or – more likey – other guys who banged Tia. It’d be easier to tell which one is Rawse Jr., if he had his old man’s physique, but I guess he takes after his mother’s side of the family. At least he’s got that going for him. Now if only he could get his hearing in order. Roffle.

I can hardly wait for the video where Fiddy takes Rawse’s son to find out why he can’t hear. In one of the many hilarious radio interviews Fiddy has done in the past few weeks, I know he mentioned that Rawse Jr. has problems with his hearing, and Rawse didn’t want to pay for the poor bastard to see an ear doctor. Which is certainly understandable. A man should take care of his kids. But when the child’s mother is such a filthy hoo-er, you can see why a brother might want to cut his losses. That kid can’t possibly have anything good in store that doesn’t involve spending up your money.

If Fiddy does do a video where he takes Rawse Jr. to have his ears checked out, he should pay the doctor extra to say the cause of the hearing loss was listening to that Triple Cs album, Chad Ochocinco-style. Or would that violate the Hippocratic Oath? Doctors are typically loathe to cross that line, unless they don’t plan on being around much longer, like that terrorist who shot up Fort Hood. He somehow managed to shoot 30 some-odd people in the motherfucking Army, and he was only wounded. The fuck? It just goes to show how soft the military is, not that they’re letting in old people, and retarded kids, and women. Yeah, it was a woman who ultimately ended up shooting Nidal Hasan, but a guy would have finished him off.

I’m sure that black doctor who killed Michael Jackson would be willing to appear in a 50 Cent video, for some money. I saw on CNN just now where he took his wife to court in Nevada to see if he could have his child support payments reduced to $100, that state’s minimum. I was surprised to learn he still runs a doctors office – it’s just, he can’t find any patients, after what he did to Michael Jackson. In (literally) related news, Janet Jackson, who’s got a greatest hits album to promote (presumably thus signaling the end of her career as a major recording artist) has been going around saying that the doctor is definitely to blame for her brother’s death.

You know what would be even more fucked up (so fucked the fuck up I’m not even sure Fiddy would go for it, though apparently not so fucked the fuck up that I didn’t think of it)? What if Fiddy did a video where he took Rawse Jr. to a doctor to see why he can’t hear well, and the doctor was played by the guy who killed Kanye West’s mother, Jan Michael Vincent, or whatever the guy’s name is? I know, that’s just wrong. But hear me out! The Hippocratic Oath thing wouldn’t be an issue, since this guy did have to quit practicing medicine. (Whew!) And I seem to recall that he, too, was facing some financial difficulty, despite the fact that he was a motherfucking surgeon. (Black people…) Didn’t he have warrants for unpaid speeding tickets or some shit?

And you know this guy has a grudge against Kanye. Old white women die all the time from complications due to plastic surgery, and you never hear about white doctors losing their license to practice medicine, or the victims having laws named after them. If it wasn’t a famous person’s mother, this probably wouldn’t have been an issue. Even if he did let the premiums on his malpractice insurance lapse so he could get spinners on his Escalade, he should still be able to work, so he can dig himself out of that hole. Not that I’d go see him. I’m just saying.

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