Five things I learned watching Precious

With all due respect, past and present, and without further to do.

1) Fat chicks cannot hold they fried chicken.

I was on the fence about seeing Precious, because Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry are involved. Normally, I wouldn’t want to contribute any of the money my parents work so hard for to either of them – even though they should probably be viewed like the US gov’t, in that there isn’t anything I can do to stop them, so I might as well just give them my money and shut the fuck up. Then I read that there’s a scene in which Precious steals and eats an entire bucket of fried chicken. It was one of the main points in Armond White’s review, in which he called Precious the worst movie for black people since Birth of a Nation, or something to that effect. I was sold. Alas, the fried chicken scene ended up being somewhat of a letdown. I was hoping that director Lee Daniels would insist on a Nicolas Cage-style “method” performance from the girl who played Precious, in which she really did eat an entire bucket of fried chicken. You know she could. But instead they just show her taking a few bites, as she books it down the street to her “alternative school.” Then she tosses the bucket, thus signaling that she ate the entire thing. Then, without any kind of warning, they show her vomit it all up into a trash can, probably not because she was several months pregnant, but because she had to do so much running.

2) Blogging professionally is like being on welfare, without as much money.

There’s a scene, later on in the film, where a mustachioed, lunchladylike Mariah Carey asks Precious what her mother does. Precious replies that her mother doesn’t do shit, other than sit in a chair and watch TV. She won’t even leave the house, except to play her number (like in Malcolm X). Precious’ mother, played by the comedian Mo’nique, pretends to look after both Precious and Precious’ daughter, Mongo (more on her in a minute), in order to collect a shedload of welfare. The film does go into this, but I bet she got even more money than the typical welfare mother, because Mongo had special needs – even though mothers of retarded kids should probably receive less, since it’s not like the kids can tell the difference. Mongo actually lived with its grandma, who would only bring it over when social services paid a visit. Mo’nique probably wouldn’t have kept Precious around either, except Precious did all of the cooking. And you know fat chicks know how to make some chicken. Anyway, watching Mo’nique sit in that chair, watching TV, ordering Precious to bring her some chicken, I couldn’t help but note the similarities between her life and my own. That’s basically what I do, except I have to get my own fried chicken. And I have to update these damn blogs. I might need to see about ditching this blogging shit, in exchange for a retarded kid I can keep in a cage in my basement, so I can get on welfare. My viewing of Precious this past weekend just so happened to coincide with the New York Times’ Page 1 story about how mad white people are on welfare now. That coupled with the revelation a few weeks ago that 90% of black people have been on welfare at some point or another has me wondering if I should try to get some sort of assistance. It just doesn’t seem right that I should have to pay a portion of my high four figure salary from XXL, however minuscule, to help feed the children of white people who live in half a million dollar houses, whose ancestors probably used to own my grandpa. Where’s my King Vitamin?

3) Mongo is an appropriate name for a child with Down syndrome.

I couldn’t help but laugh out loud when Precious told Mariah Carey that she had a daughter named Mongo. Mariah Carey was like, “Huh? Mongo?” Precious was like, “Yeah, Mongo, short for Mongoloid. She has Down syndrome.” I about died. Fortunately, it was in a theater that was a solid three-fourths black, so it was hardly the only such outrage. You could barely hear the dialogue, over the constant din of people providing their audio commentary, MST3K-style. However, there weren’t nearly as many instances of people just plain ol’ shouting at the screen as I expected. I don’t know if they all saw the post on my own site about where I should see Precious and felt self conscious, or what. The theater was in Creve Coeur, MO, around the corner from where I grew up, and you can consult the Wiki for the demographics on that. But like I said, this was still three-fourths black people. Black people must be getting soft, in the Obama age.

4) Sex predators should prey on morbidly obese women.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve seen a woman who’s “wheel chair fat” walking around my job with a newborn baby, I could afford to take the afternoon off to get some glitter on my face. (Lord knows I deserve it, after the three day-long weekend of nothing but verbal abuse that I just endured.) Because I’m racist against my own people, I just assumed this was a matter of black men being extreme chubby chasers. You know black guys claim to like thick broads, but then you see them with nothing but fat chicks. Maybe the whole thick euphemism was just an excuse to go hoggin’, and these pregnant piano box girls were just the saddest, most extreme example of said phenomenon. Now I’m not sure what to think. Precious didn’t get her babies from one of her classmates at the alternative school or some shit, she got ‘em from her father. Eww!. There’s a scene where some guys try to holler at her while she’s walking down the street, then one of them pushes her down, but I’m pretty sure they were being facetious. If any of them were interested in getting with her, I’m sure that’s something they’d want to keep on the down low. This was back in the ’80s, when men had standards. There’s a subplot involving Precious wishing she had a light skinted boyfriend, who occasionally appears in fantasy sequences, and there’s one scene where she whines to her classmates at the alternative school that she’s never had a boyfriend, so to speak, other than her father. By the end of the film, she realizes her father raped, if not rape-raped her. But even then it’s only because Mariah Carey planted that idea in her head, and you can tell the memory of these incidents is somewhat bittersweet. I’m not saying what her father did was right. I’m just saying. I’m sure forced sex is a lot worse for someone who isn’t as hard up.

5) Once you’ve fucked another guy in the ass, a vagine just isn’t tight enough.

Perhaps the most disturbing thing I’ve seen in my entire left, let alone in Precious, is the barely concealed subtext having to do with the various kinds of “openings,” shall we say, available to an ex-con. Never mind the skin tone issues, this shit is fucked the fuck up. What I’m referring to, in case you’ve seen the film and it flew under your radar, is the scene near the very end, in which we learned how Precious got to be in the situation she was in. Mariah Carey pressed Mo’nique to reveal the nature and the extent of the sexual abuse that took place in her home, so maybe Precious, Mongo, and the new baby, Abdul (no, really), could come live with her and she could get another, even more ridonkulous check. So Mo’nique lets loose with the story of the first time Precious was sexually abused by her daddy/babydaddy. Mo’nique was having sex with this guy, whose name is of course Carl, while a three year-old Precious was lying next to them on a pillow. All of a sudden, Carl shifts his attention from Mo’nique to Precious, and… well, you can guess what happened. Mo’nique said she didn’t want him to do that, because she knew where he’d been, but he told her to shut her fat ass up, so she did. I took this to mean that she knew Carl was on the DL, and that his unit wasn’t clean. Mo’nique’s cavernous vagine wasn’t as capable of satisfying him as it was back when they made Precious, but she was too mean a person to take it up the coat. She didn’t want to do anything that might provide another human being with comfort. It couldn’t have been because she had standards, living in a place like that. This isn’t conjecture, mind you. Mo’nique says herself that she never let Carl shove it in her pooper. That’s why she wasn’t sweating getting tested, when she found out Precious was HIV-positive. If it wasn’t for the graphic description of that initial act, and the film’s other teh ghey subtext (involving Paula Patton!), and the fact that the guy’s name was Carl (the second most teh ghey common name, behind Bruce), not to mention the fact that Precious director Lee Daniels himself is teh ghey, maybe I could believe there’s nothing to this theory. Maybe.

  • http://www.plasticsquirtguns.blogspot.com thoreauly77

    christ almighty, bol, thats one morbid reflection.

  • http://www.sylermusic.com Syler

    Wow…

  • OG Matt Herbz

    Oh shit! That was “Precious?” Fuck, I was bouncing room to room at Regal Cinemas and just caught a glance at the posterboard and thought I was going to see “Notorious.”

    I thought it was strange that BIG was pregnant and had HIV and shit…I’d never heard him mention that in his raps, but fuck it, it made for a decent storyline in the movie…now I’m just confused.

    Someone will confirm that the same actor played both roles though, right? Right?

    –OG Matt Herbz–

    • http://www.plasticsquirtguns.blogspot.com thoreauly77

      yeah dude. the actor’s name is “gravy”.

    • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

      Herbz!

      That was awesome…

    • chillin mayne

      classic@matt….jajajajajajajaja, most comical xxl post ever?

  • Just Me

    Deletion of this post coming in 5…4…3…2…1…

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

    Wow.

    2 points for the ‘Mystery Science Theater 3000′ reference. Sadly, this was hilarious.

  • fastflipper

    im white … and i hate this type of movies ..it make racist peoples think that black peoples are living like monkeys …

    • Brass Tacks

      This movie is not a reflection of every black person, like I assume your opinion is not the sole assumption of every white person…

  • fastflipper

    good ”review” Bol !

  • sealsaa

    Movie sounds over the top. Like Passion of the Christ, but with fried chicken.

    I’m starting to agree with Spike Lee’s comment about Tyler Perry’s coonery. Judging from your review of this movie(albeit a hyperbole laden one), this just sounds like a pile on of tragedies.

  • Lawrence of Flatbush

    The feel good post of the year!

  • giantstepp

    I haven’t seen the movie (yet) and I’ve read you enough to know that you take some unnecessary shots at people, but I must admit that this was a good read Bol. Too bad I can’t give a rebuttal. Im definetly riding with you on Oprah and Tyler perry tho!

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

    Bol, I want to give you props for showing restraint, & not typing out the girl’s name. & more props for typing the director’s name.

    God forbid she vanity searches frequently, & were to come across this shit.

    Something tells me that you almost did type it, but alas, you’re human after all.

  • Neibo

    wow…disturbingly descriptive…I can say no more…

  • kingequality

    Bol I saw the flick I thought it was decent, but you do make a good point. It was like a lifetime flick with fat black greasy women playing the lead. Im just tired of black movies still showing us in that fashion. I know the african american experience hasn’t been that uplifting but damn. Even when Will Smith did the black super hero he had to be all fucked up in the game .

  • Cheeb

    “…because Mongo had special needs – even though mothers of retarded kids should probably receive less, since it’s not like the kids can tell the difference.”

    Dude I still cant get over that line, I’m dying & cant breath…. It is HILARIOUS

  • El Tico Loco

    Damn I don’t want to see now thanks Bol. Well with the Oprah and TP cosign that was a strike against it already and they look mighty hypocritical cosigning that. Hell, Tyler Perry has gotten rich flippin the same plot in every movie and play but nobody really notices.

  • $ykotic/Don McCaine

    So Precious is the new John Coffee? The big greasy slave who’s sentenced to death because of a big heart?

    I ain’t missing nothing at all…

  • Caino

    LOL, man, that shit was hilarious! Bol, once again you take it to a level, then kick it in the nuts!

    l might actually go see this now!……………..oh and the Oprah mafia will be after you now.

  • Enlightened

    You wild as hell man.

    I am offended by all the muthafuckin hoopla around this movie. The main reason…it’s not a good movie.

    People whine all the time, “another Black hood movie, blah blah blah” and as a consequence, good Black movies with good storylines, acting and writing get overlooked and even ridiculed by a lot of people (Baby Boy for instance).

    Then, some bullshit like this gets all this praise and celebration just because Oprah Winfrey put her money behind it (no doubt because she saw some of herself in the story).

    Next thing you know, I don’t hear anybody whining about “another Black hood movie”. As a matter of fact, I haven’t heard anybody call it a hood movie yet, when in actuality, it’s one of the grimiest movies you could possibly see.

    I’ve actually been hearing people talk about Oscar nominations for this bullshit. Get the fuck out of here. “Waist Deep” was better than this bullshit.

    • nicholasdelorejo

      Announcer: “And the award for Ruest Shit of the Year goes to: Englightened.” (Cheers)
      I’m glad someone else finally gets it. I’m in college now and I hear some folks complain about “black, hood movies” and list movies like Friday, Don’t be a Menance, and the like. Seriously some black folks hate Friday, a movie that depicted Craig the son of a simple working class family trying to live a typical quiet day in the hood. But those same folks would praise Tyler Perry’s plays for its cheap plots and staereotypical and outrageous characters (e.g.: Madea).

      I don’t hate Tyler Perryor his movies really. Just the bullshit people try to pass on how Perry is black cinema’s answer to their prayers of finally depicting black people in a positive light. I saw the movie and to be honest I didn’t see anything amazing that movies like Dead Presidents or Rosewood didn’t acheive. So the next time you see a black person moan about another “Friday” or whatever movie just lie to them and tell them it recieved a cosign from Oprah or TS. Then maybe they’lltake their asses over their and support some decent black cinema.

      • nicholasdelorejo

        Sorry man, I meant to give you the “TRUEST Shit of the Year” award.

      • Enlightened

        Exactly! How the fuck is Dead Presidents not a great movie?

        You never hear people say…”On no, another mafia movie” or “Oh no, another Western.”

  • sealsaa

    “So Precious is the new John Coffee? The big greasy slave who’s sentenced to death because of a big heart?”

    LMAO @ big greasy slave. I guess now the debate is which ability is more impressive, sucking the sickness out of people, or sucking down a bucket of fried chicken in a manner of seconds? Normally, i’d co-sign John Coffee, but damn if(Precious) that’s not an impressive display of throat muscles…

    • $ykotic/Don McCaine

      I’ll take chick throat muscles FTW sealsaa…

  • Chilly Willy

    This concerns me on a number of level. But there was some flash of genius in there. This one in particular, is stellar to me:

    “Mo’nique was having sex with this guy, whose name is of course Carl”…

    Am I the only one seeing this ?

    • DV8

      I saw it. Bol was definetly taking a shot at a certain somebody. But the final sentence of the blog was a direct bullseye man down shot.

  • Nadeem

    Fuck Lee Daniels
    he seems to love to exploit black women (monster’s ball, halle berry) and win oscars for that shit
    I mean seriously halle berry has to have sex on screen with some washed up douchebag to win an oscar WTF! damn Spike lee was right when he called tyler perry a coon same goes for Lee Daniels as well motherfuckers like Stephen Fetchit
    Same Hook Different Arrangement

  • Worley

    I still want to hear Oprah describe how this depiction of black women is different from that found in rap music.

    “mad white people are on welfare now.”

    It’s been that way for a while. Just take a peek on either side of the Appalachian valley. Some whites have literally and figuratively not moved a socio-economic inch since the 13 colonies.

  • vhingrhamesonyo’momma

    Bol you been goin ham lately bruh, I dunno what you been drinkin lately bu that shit got you on point. I told niggas at work fuck this film but they wasn’t tryna’ hear me. I don’t need to a see a film about a oversexed Jabba the Hut to know the hood is fucked the fuck up. Bitches been gettin the “daddy tickled me down there” treatment for longest, depend on Tyler Perry to get rich off dat’ shit.

  • macdatruest

    I knew Gravy’s career wasnt over. I knew he had some more big roles lined up. That bitch Precious wasnt shit but a fat greazy chicken addicted roundball. I knew she was big, but damn they went and found somebody real fat and black and stanky to play Precious.

    It’s funny because Bol always tryna go in on African kids (no bushmeat) but look at Precious. She was livin smelly and nasty as fuck like a fat ball of dirty tragic snacks right here in America~!!

    She was so fat, I bet her umbilical chord looked like a long ass onion ring. Born in grease, die in grease.

  • oneofthemyos

    Once you’ve fucked another guy in the ass, a vagine just isn’t tight enough

    but she was too mean a person to take it up the coat

    man these 2 statements made me realise u need to re-examine life pimpin obviously society has desensitized u too much(or as they they say in st.louis 2 murrrch)

    I think like 3 of yall bloggers reviewed this movie now, and yall did brilliant enough jobs to make me know I will never watch this shyt…I read a review of the book which is 10 times worse than the movie and fuk that…

    Considering pursuit of happyness was depressing for me I aint phukking with this movie, yall can have this shyt I’m already black dont need to see the worst of it among cracker ass crackers on a movie screen.

    peace

  • P. Harris

    As soon as I saw Mo’nique azz run up them stairs with no bra on… I knew I wasn’t going to see that shit…

    On another note… The previews for the movie didn’t tell you what the movie was about? Muhfutters were just saying how good it was? How they cried? WTF?

  • tommy gunz

    i truly believe mo’nique has a cavernous vagine as well

  • Young History in the Making

    lol *died*

  • Brooklyn

    when i first heard that they was making the book into a movie i thought it was a good idea. when i heard that oprah and tyler perry were gonna be involved i was like, damn! another good book ruined by oprah’s ass, re. “the women of brewster place” and “beloved.” at least oprah didn’t cast herself as the mother, that would have really been some shit. i can imagine her and precious sitting on the couch and tearing up a ten piece breast and thigh special from popeyes, though i can’t imagine oprah getting violent without having “color purple” flashabcks. and tyler perry is an inspiration to me, really. if all i gotta do to get rich is to write a bunch of stories about bitter ass women being abused by bitter ass men and being rescued by quintessential good guys all with a six foot, two hundred and fifty pound grandmother pulling out a pistol, let me get started on that shit right the fuck now.

  • http://twitter.com/michaelbjordan THE UNDERWRITER

    This is ill

  • Brass Tacks

    It just doesn’t seem right that I should have to pay a portion of my high four figure salary from XXL, however minuscule, to help feed the children of white people who live in half a million dollar houses, whose ancestors probably used to own my grandpa. Where’s my King Vitamin?

    LMAO!!! Really Bol damn!

  • Mitch Bucannon

    5) Once you’ve fucked another guy in the ass, a vagine just isn’t tight enough.

    ” Mo’nique said she didn’t want him to do that, because she knew where he’d been, but he told her to shut her fat ass up, so she did. I took this to mean that she knew Carl was on the DL, and that his unit wasn’t clean. Mo’nique’s cavernous vagine wasn’t as capable of satisfying him as it was back when they made Precious, but she was too mean a person to take it up the coat. She didn’t want to do anything that might provide another human being with comfort. It couldn’t have been because she had standards, living in a place like that. This isn’t conjecture, mind you. Mo’nique says herself that she never let Carl shove it in her pooper. That’s why she wasn’t sweating getting tested, when she found out Precious was HIV-positive. ”

    I disagree with your comments the most in #5- Look at the deeper inferences here, this was largely about ignorance about the disease. Also your assertion is incorrect where you claim “she knew where she had been” (along with the gay references). Note, “he said that it was good for her”, your view doesn’t even exist in the film. Then she proceeds on a tirade of “who is going to love me” and how “it was Precious’s fault for him leaving” – this is about a deeply insecure and pathetic woman who’s now so desperate now she wants back what she never wanted to begin with (Precious). She also claims that she said “Carl wut you doin, wut you doin, wut you doin, wut you doin” when it came to that act.

    Your response to me is more about how YOU would like to see the film, external references and biases,etc. than it’s actual view … (sorry not trying to be mean)

  • Mitch Bucannon

    Oops Typo, I meant to write this in quotes “She knew where HE had been”, either way, you made that up, it’s not in the film.

    Also, if you read the book or paid attention to the movie, Carl was a drug addict. Though not fully explained, seems to me that was where he contracted HIV, not gay sex.

    GREAT FILM BTW

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  • Cora

    Excuse me, but when you said that mother of retard kids should recieve less, you’re wrong. My mother has three retarded children and has to cut off work to take care of them because she is a single mother. Please be careful about what you say about situations like these. Thanks!