Bangs hits the big time

This post is dedicated to all of the ladies out there who like to go to the movies.

It’s sad any time a child dies. But you know what’s even sadder? When a white guy is dating a girl – a white girl, natch – with a nice ass, and he obviously has no real appreciation of it. He could just as easily be dating a white woman built the way white women used to be built, back in the ’80s.

*shudders at the thought*

One of my roommates in college was a white guy. I lived with him for about two years, and I could hardly tell you anything about him, other than that he was into that Fuel album with the dreadful “Hemorrhage in My Hands.” (Not to be confused with “Shimmer,” which remains my jam to this day.) He was the textbook definition of nondescript. It was one of those things where we got stuck together, because neither of us had any friends. (Shocker!)

But he did have a girlfriend, and holy shit, this broad was packin’! Every time she’d come over, I’d do nothing but stare at her ass. It was very obvious, and he was obviously very pissed by it, but she seemed to enjoy it. She probably never met another man who really appreciated her for who she was. It wasn’t that kind of school. And you know how dudes who probably couldn’t find another woman tend to be extra protective. I probably could have gotten shot. Because this school was out in the sticks, you were allowed to have guns in your room, if you had a hunting license. And as I recall, having a hunting license didn’t require anything other than picking one up at the gas station down on the corner, along with some Camo beer.

Long story short, my roommate used to keep his laundry in a pile in the corner, and one day I got wasted and threw up on it Next thing you know, he was moving out at the semester. I’m not sure if it was his wardrobe, or his girlfriend, or what. It was probably a little bit of everything. I called the girl who worked in the school housing office, to see if I could get the room to myself, and she said that, because it was at the semester, and because I was a junior and what have you, there was a strong possibility I could get the room to myself without having to pay any extra, if they didn’t need the space. Bonus, I thought to myself, as I went home for winter break.

I got back, in January, and, wouldn’t you know, there was a motherfucking African in my room. I may have mentioned this once or twice before, but my school had this program where they would import kids from Africa, slavery-style, to pad the school’s black population out to a solid 3%, the better to attract (qualified) black kids here in the US. As if that wasn’t bad enough, they’d stick them in rooms with regular black people such as myself. Like I’m supposed to have some sort of special insight into Africa, just because my ancestors lived there 400 years ago. I can’t even relate to black people here in the US!

Not to let you in on any more than you need to know about me, but yeah, I spent a significant amount of time in the early part of this decade sitting around in my underwear watching Woody Allen movies. This African kid of course couldn’t stand them, and would usually take it as a cue to go hang out with his countrymen and discuss big game hunting, or whatever it was he did when he wasn’t in the room. One time he asked me, “Why are you always watching Hannah and Her Sisters?” And I was like, “What do you mean, why am I always watching Hannah and Her Sisters?” I asked him what kind of movies he liked, and he said his favorite actors were Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone. I was like, “Seriously?” (Keep in mind, this was 2002.) He said he liked the fact that they had very stern looks on their faces. Later, it occurred to me that this is probably why 50 Cent does so well internationally. Remember that time G-Unit went to Africa, and all those African kids were chasing him around, as if he was Michael Jackson?

I suppose it was only a matter of time before someone like Bangs came along. To watch the uber popular video for his song “Take U to da Movies,” it’s obvious he grew up watching 50 Cent videos, but he took away the wrong message. I mean, he’s got the look and the penchant for material bullshit down: He’s got a fresh Canadian tuxedo and a couple of fake platinum chains, and he poses in front a green screen full of pictures of expensive cars, stacks of hundred dollar bills and what have you. He’s even got what looks like it might actually be a real iPhone. I don’t even have a real phone! Imagine how many starving fly-ridden babies in his native Sudan he could feed with what the data plan on one of those bad boys will run you. But, um… who in the fuck raps about taking a woman to the movies? Unless the movies is Sudanese slang for straight to the motel.

I’d suggest Bangs spend some time here in the States, rather than Melbourne, Australia, where he is; you know, have his mind poisoned. But it looks like his oblivious African nature might actually be working out in his favor. The evening news down in Australia caught up with him, and he claims he’s been offered several record deals with labels both down in Australia and here in the US. They’re probably ultra exploitative deals from TIs looking to capitalize on the viral success of “Take U to da Movies,” but still. I’ve got an inbox full of bullshit from people who couldn’t buy a record deal. It sounds like he might even be genuinely that famous down in Australia, where they’re probably hard up for amusement. I remember reading a few years ago that Flight of the Concords was the biggest group from New Zealand (which I realize isn’t Australia per se) since Crowded House and thinking to myself, that’s all those fucking kiwis could come up with in my lifetime? No shots at Crowded House, which really is underappreciated.

What’s more, women down there are apparently lining up to bang, erm, Bangs. I wouldn’t believe that shit, if they didn’t say it right there on the evening news, but they did.

And I quote:

Bangs said his songs had earned him a very eager female following — with many asking him out on dates.

“Now they want to take me to the movies!” he said.

Although he has a girlfriend, he admits fame presents other opportunities.

“I love the ladies. It’s hard to be with one girl for too long.”

Which of course begs a number of questions: Who exactly are these women trying to bang Bangs? Is Australia like Japan, where they assume any ol’ black guy is a member of De La Soul, and promptly drop to their knees and start blowing him? I might need to grow my beard out and go on tour there as Rawse, You guys know I don’t dine on Chinese, but I still watch the video for “Torn” by Natalie Imbruglia about once a month, for personal reasons. Also, who is Bangs’ girlfriend? Let me guess, some Sudanese broad he met in a refugee camp. Bangs better hurry up and kick her to the curb, before he signs a record deal. You know how these African women get all siddity, as soon as they get a dollar in their pockets. As if they didn’t grow up on bushmeat.

I kid, I kid. No but really, if you thought that was bad, you should check out the video of Bangs on Shade 45 with Rude Jude and Lord Sear, on World Star. They played “Take U to da Movies,” then had people call in and give their opinions. It was so cruel I almost couldn’t listen to it. Emphasis on almost. Roffle.

  • http://www.jamal7mile.blogspot.com Jamal7Mile

    “Take U To Da Movies” is almost as horrible as “It’s So Cold In The D.”

    Almost.

  • questo

    you know, Bol, I’m from South Africa and i have ever reason to be offended by this, but that was really hilarious – great writing. that’s what’s been missing with your posts – narrative and anecdote, they really bring out your style. you need to do more of this and get your own blog back to life (people are interested in the Bol character) or else get a book deal. the preamble to this post is brilliant, vivid and unique. nice one.

    oh yeah and forget Bangs, how come these labels never tried to hustle Afrikan Boy? the cat’s been running around with M.I.A and he’s actually intentionally hilarious…unless of course Bangs himself is some kind of meta industry experiment a la Incredibad, but with more subtlety.

  • SickMind

    Take U to da Movies……………. Im just gonna go puke……. Im sick…..

  • sealsaa

    “go hang out with his countrymen and discuss big game hunting,”

    “You know how these African women get all siddity, as soon as they get a dollar in their pockets. As if they didn’t grow up on bushmeat.”

    You know, I was waiting for a spear throwing, or blow dart reference to come along, but it never came :(

  • geico lizard

    “They played “Take U to da Movies,” then had people call in and give their opinions. It was so cruel I almost couldn’t listen to it. Emphasis on almost. Roffle.”

    ^
    It reminded me of when that radio station interviewed the “Its so cold in the D” girl. She walked in thinking she was Mary J Blige but that shit went left real fast.

    go tennessee titans

    • questo

      ha ha ha!

  • Big A

    WTF is a Bangs?

  • sealsaa

    “Man, international my ass. Toilet paper’s international”.

    -A Shady45 caller giving his critique of “Take you to the movies”

    LMFAO!!!

    • westcoastaggie

      This one dude said “I should waterboard yo ass for playin that.”

      Why does it seem that they set bangs up for that phone call?

  • fredMS

    hannah and her sisters was good, i preferred manhattan.

  • MaxDowski

    Take you to da movies = the best thing since popcorn (along what else you like)

  • JAY STONE

    This post is fucking hilarious.
    Enough of that gossip ship and more of this syrup

  • Smel

    I wonder, is that bangs the noun (like hair) or bangs the verb (like to hit someone or something)? Does it have another meaning outside of english? Things that make you go hmm.

    South African people may love 50, and strive to emulate his “gangsta,” even to the point of snatching their idol’s chain, but clearly the Sudanese like their hip hop soft and non-threatening.

  • macdatruest

    Interscope and XXL pulled your post about Wale selling out from yesterday and made you go in on Africans. But what is the really makes Black people “Black” in America? Ignorance. Speaking of ignorance great post for black people!!! This is coming from an East African. LMAO

    And Bol since you like white girls so much, ask a white girl would she rather date an African Man or a Black Man? Ask a white man would he rather do business with an African or a “Black- Person”

    • Detroit P

      It probly depends on the amount of people, resources and wealth the African is going to allow the white man to exploit in his country divided by how many rape mobs said African has been in.

      I should probly feel bad about this comment.

  • jesse

    This was fucking hilarious.

  • sealsaa

    “Interscope and XXL pulled your post about Wale selling out from yesterday”

    In light of this, its ironic that XXL chose to put RapRadar/Elliot Wilson on blast(in their review of his site) for shucking for Paul Rosenberg and Eminem, no? And Mr. Interscope himself, 50 Cent, will be on the cover of this month’s issue. Bonus!(no biting)

  • http://www.fuccyou.com Sleeze $

    “This post is dedicated to all of the ladies out there who like to go to the movies.”

    hahaha perfection

  • P-Matik

    Oh man, I remember Ricky Powell made the mistake of trying to crack a joke on Lord Sear at Rocksteady Anniversary one year in NYC. Sear came back with a freestyle that was so rugged that Ricky could just sit there, smile, and take it.

    I can’t wait to watch this joint.

  • http://www.shabooty.com shabooty

    roffle. yesterday the nigerian wale got ethered and today this! classic.

    This line had me dead:
    “You know how these African women get all siddity, as soon as they get a dollar in their pockets. As if they didn’t grow up on bushmeat.”

    To use saddity and bushmeat in the same sentence is magical i tell you.

    s

  • yoprince

    bol, you’re a talented dude.

  • http://www.bboycult.com www.bboycult.com

    atta boy Bol! thats what i’m talkin bout! u can really write. when u WANT to. or have to.?. Combat Jack is on fire…

    i enjoyed this. and outsource that gossip shit where u can get some money for it. cause that shit is bad money up in this bitch…

    good job.

    • http://www.jamal7mile.blogspot.com Jamal7Mile

      This is a good ideal. Bol, you should tell XXL to publish a drop in the magazine so that you can get your subscription/advertisement cut.

  • HNIC

    @ detriot p…your just mad cos some african probably stole your girl. You and Bol can say all the shit you want but at the end of the day truth is that most folks in the U.S would rather deal with an African instead of an African American..take it how you want …crack all the spear chucking,bush meat jokes you want but the facts are what they are .

  • s dot

    hey bol i’m still waiting on the 50 cent article regarding his first week numbers..i kno its going to be a good read and its probably going to hilarious as fuck..

  • Chilly Willy

    “I might need to grow my beard out and go on tour there as Rawse”
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    You already got the crabmeat game proper (nhjic), just need a fake Louie shade and it’s good money.

    Oh, and last thing, you gotta try Chinese, Bol! For real ! Not necessarily chinese chinese, but..you know…chinese !

    Lemme find out Bangs’s girlfriend used to be a fat bearded tribal bawws’ baby mama…

  • BIGNAT

    how is he big in aussie land a.k.a we censor everything we don’t like. who would think that a nation of criminals would be so select about stuff.

    • Eliam

      ok bignat. first off he’s not big in australia (or aussie land as you americans like to call it.) the only reason i even know of this guy is because of american sites like this. secondly who the fuck thinks we censor everything? down here we consider that to be you guys. i dont know anywhere that censors like the way america does. thirdly if we are a nation of criminals than america is a nation of slave owners. the past is in the past dickhead.

      and bol, the only girls down here who are trying to fuck bangs are the other african girls. and yes they are black.

  • gman

    GO PITTSBURGH STEELERS 6 SUPER BOWL RINGS FUCK THE TITANS

  • nibs

    Sometimes when I read a good blog I might post something, and if I do, I might come back the next day and peep what other people wrote. So today I come to check out the Wale article I commented on. XXL & Interscope are comical.

  • Brooklyn

    i feel you on that natalie imbruglia thing bol, that bitch was fine as hell back in the day. bangs is horrible, but considering that the industry likes horrible music right now, he’ll probably go far.

    and to those that said that whites would rather do business with africans than african-americans, that’s been shown. they did big business in buying and selling our ancestors from 1450-1850.

  • latino heat

    wow. i’m checking in late today thinking for sure Bol’s post was gonna be gone for today.

    so let me get this straight XXL, Bol can insult an entire country full of people just not any Interscope artists? that makes perfect sense.

    so go ahead Bol. make all the bushmeat jokes you want. just don’t have the audacity to speak the truth about artists selling out to Interscope Records or they will pull your shit. you gotta love a company with their priority’s in order.

  • hnic

    Yess

  • questo

    by the way, you cats gotta up your knowledge regarding Africa. ignorance is not a good look. it’s funny sometimes, but i’m beginning to think some of you actually believe this shit. in 2009!?

  • JAY STONE

    @quessto
    Come on man.u gotta admit this shit is hilarious and i’m an african(a ghanaian) by d way

  • http://www.justice.gov.za GO-Getta’

    I asked him what kind of movies he liked, and he said his favorite actors were Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone. I was like, “Seriously?” (Keep in mind, this was 2002.) He said he liked the fact that they had very stern looks on their faces.

    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    U ignorant bol,u need 2 take sum African Vacation.

  • caino

    Best Blog in a while, that Combat Jack really got you to up your game! lol.

    And dont hate on the Flight of the Concords, those dudes are hilarious (Hiphopapotamus and the Rhymneasaurus) classic

  • Mpho

    Nigga ain’t got nothing on the big homie Eli Porter… fuck what you heard

  • chillin mayne

    JAAAAAAAAAAAAA, bol that radio interview on WSHH was hillarious, some dude from AFRICA called in givin mad love jajajaja…mayne, kobe from ghana loves dude music apparently! dawg why you put that link out there jajajajaja…bol u on fire son!…bangs sound confused

  • http://spectralhelicopters.blogspot.com Jules Kauffman

    If only more than 34 people could hear about this!

  • dj

    Hahaahah at “Torn” by Natalie Imbruglia. That bitch was kinda banging.

  • Moski

    Now being an American living in Australia and loving my music, Bangs is the Australian equivalent to a tay zonday. they both created one internet classic video and both have had corporate advertisement offers. but don’t think for a second bangs is running anything. Australian urban music is not my thing, and bangs doesn’t fill a void for that at all. his 15mins are coming to an end