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Bangs hits the big time

This post is dedicated to all of the ladies out there who like to go to the movies.

It’s sad any time a child dies. But you know what’s even sadder? When a white guy is dating a girl – a white girl, natch – with a nice ass, and he obviously has no real appreciation of it. He could just as easily be dating a white woman built the way white women used to be built, back in the ’80s.

*shudders at the thought*

One of my roommates in college was a white guy. I lived with him for about two years, and I could hardly tell you anything about him, other than that he was into that Fuel album with the dreadful “Hemorrhage in My Hands.” (Not to be confused with “Shimmer,” which remains my jam to this day.) He was the textbook definition of nondescript. It was one of those things where we got stuck together, because neither of us had any friends. (Shocker!)

But he did have a girlfriend, and holy shit, this broad was packin’! Every time she’d come over, I’d do nothing but stare at her ass. It was very obvious, and he was obviously very pissed by it, but she seemed to enjoy it. She probably never met another man who really appreciated her for who she was. It wasn’t that kind of school. And you know how dudes who probably couldn’t find another woman tend to be extra protective. I probably could have gotten shot. Because this school was out in the sticks, you were allowed to have guns in your room, if you had a hunting license. And as I recall, having a hunting license didn’t require anything other than picking one up at the gas station down on the corner, along with some Camo beer.

Long story short, my roommate used to keep his laundry in a pile in the corner, and one day I got wasted and threw up on it Next thing you know, he was moving out at the semester. I’m not sure if it was his wardrobe, or his girlfriend, or what. It was probably a little bit of everything. I called the girl who worked in the school housing office, to see if I could get the room to myself, and she said that, because it was at the semester, and because I was a junior and what have you, there was a strong possibility I could get the room to myself without having to pay any extra, if they didn’t need the space. Bonus, I thought to myself, as I went home for winter break.

I got back, in January, and, wouldn’t you know, there was a motherfucking African in my room. I may have mentioned this once or twice before, but my school had this program where they would import kids from Africa, slavery-style, to pad the school’s black population out to a solid 3%, the better to attract (qualified) black kids here in the US. As if that wasn’t bad enough, they’d stick them in rooms with regular black people such as myself. Like I’m supposed to have some sort of special insight into Africa, just because my ancestors lived there 400 years ago. I can’t even relate to black people here in the US!

Not to let you in on any more than you need to know about me, but yeah, I spent a significant amount of time in the early part of this decade sitting around in my underwear watching Woody Allen movies. This African kid of course couldn’t stand them, and would usually take it as a cue to go hang out with his countrymen and discuss big game hunting, or whatever it was he did when he wasn’t in the room. One time he asked me, “Why are you always watching Hannah and Her Sisters?” And I was like, “What do you mean, why am I always watching Hannah and Her Sisters?” I asked him what kind of movies he liked, and he said his favorite actors were Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone. I was like, “Seriously?” (Keep in mind, this was 2002.) He said he liked the fact that they had very stern looks on their faces. Later, it occurred to me that this is probably why 50 Cent does so well internationally. Remember that time G-Unit went to Africa, and all those African kids were chasing him around, as if he was Michael Jackson?

I suppose it was only a matter of time before someone like Bangs came along. To watch the uber popular video for his song “Take U to da Movies,” it’s obvious he grew up watching 50 Cent videos, but he took away the wrong message. I mean, he’s got the look and the penchant for material bullshit down: He’s got a fresh Canadian tuxedo and a couple of fake platinum chains, and he poses in front a green screen full of pictures of expensive cars, stacks of hundred dollar bills and what have you. He’s even got what looks like it might actually be a real iPhone. I don’t even have a real phone! Imagine how many starving fly-ridden babies in his native Sudan he could feed with what the data plan on one of those bad boys will run you. But, um… who in the fuck raps about taking a woman to the movies? Unless the movies is Sudanese slang for straight to the motel.

I’d suggest Bangs spend some time here in the States, rather than Melbourne, Australia, where he is; you know, have his mind poisoned. But it looks like his oblivious African nature might actually be working out in his favor. The evening news down in Australia caught up with him, and he claims he’s been offered several record deals with labels both down in Australia and here in the US. They’re probably ultra exploitative deals from TIs looking to capitalize on the viral success of “Take U to da Movies,” but still. I’ve got an inbox full of bullshit from people who couldn’t buy a record deal. It sounds like he might even be genuinely that famous down in Australia, where they’re probably hard up for amusement. I remember reading a few years ago that Flight of the Concords was the biggest group from New Zealand (which I realize isn’t Australia per se) since Crowded House and thinking to myself, that’s all those fucking kiwis could come up with in my lifetime? No shots at Crowded House, which really is underappreciated.

What’s more, women down there are apparently lining up to bang, erm, Bangs. I wouldn’t believe that shit, if they didn’t say it right there on the evening news, but they did.

And I quote:

Bangs said his songs had earned him a very eager female following — with many asking him out on dates.

“Now they want to take me to the movies!” he said.

Although he has a girlfriend, he admits fame presents other opportunities.

“I love the ladies. It’s hard to be with one girl for too long.”

Which of course begs a number of questions: Who exactly are these women trying to bang Bangs? Is Australia like Japan, where they assume any ol’ black guy is a member of De La Soul, and promptly drop to their knees and start blowing him? I might need to grow my beard out and go on tour there as Rawse, You guys know I don’t dine on Chinese, but I still watch the video for “Torn” by Natalie Imbruglia about once a month, for personal reasons. Also, who is Bangs’ girlfriend? Let me guess, some Sudanese broad he met in a refugee camp. Bangs better hurry up and kick her to the curb, before he signs a record deal. You know how these African women get all siddity, as soon as they get a dollar in their pockets. As if they didn’t grow up on bushmeat.

I kid, I kid. No but really, if you thought that was bad, you should check out the video of Bangs on Shade 45 with Rude Jude and Lord Sear, on World Star. They played “Take U to da Movies,” then had people call in and give their opinions. It was so cruel I almost couldn’t listen to it. Emphasis on almost. Roffle.

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