The night Kanye West almost died

Who else saw, last night, that RIP Kanye West was a trending topic on Twitter, and checked TMZ to see if it was really true?

I fell victim to this hoax, when I got home from the BGM. The first thing I do when I go online is check Twitter, to see what’s going on in the world. Even before I check a real news site, like CNN or whatever. I figure, if it’s important enough, it’ll be a trending topic. Otherwise, I’ll find about it later on, when I’m digging through Google Reader, looking for things I might be able to write about and what have you.

Seeing RIP Kanye West as the #1 topic on Twitter was a trip, since one of the main uses of Twitter is to find out when someone famous (or in many cases, marginally famous) has died. The last several times I’ve found out someone famous died, it’s been on Twitter. Finding out Michael Jackson bought the farm this summer (and then immediately goofing on it, natch) was like the modern day equivalent of finding out, during Monday Night Football, that John Lennon had been killed, back in 1980.

Alas, I consulted TMZ, and I didn’t see anything about it, and so I figured it couldn’t be true. Oddly enough, I didn’t even bother to check any other sites, before I cracked open some Yellow Tail and went about my business. No Oliver Stone. It just goes to show TMZ’s status as a news organization these days. If I’d consulted Google News, the search engine that indexes a shedload of other news sites, I might have seen where a number of sites apparently fell for this hoax. I saw just now where Fox News was running an RIP Kanye West headline. I might have been reaching for a bottle of J. Roget, rather than Yellow Tail, even though I don’t have a bottle of J. Roget handy. I might have to rectify this, the next time I’m in a grocery store.

They say the success of the hoax may have also been fueled in part by the controversy re: some video he put up on his site the other day and then mysteriously pulled. What kind of dumbass puts something up on their site and then pulls it down, as if people won’t realize it’s been censored. Um, never mind. Anyway, the video in question was another short film he did with Spike Jonze, director of Where the Wild Things Are. (Do I need to see that?) I never did get around to watching it myself, even though I probably should have. Spike Jonze also directed that video for “Flashing Lights” with Rita G, the Internet hoo-er with the improbably perfect natural rack. If you want to see something, try to find video of her appearance on the Stern show. I believe this was before he went to Sirius, but I know it’s aired, uncensored, on Howard TV. Maybe someone has uploaded it on one of these pr0n tube sites.

You’ll recall that there was another “Flashing Lights” video that was damn near as awesome, if not quite as… erm, jiggly. In it, some modeling chick sleeps all day, then goes out to a club, gets wasted, tries to walk home and ends up getting rape-raped. (If only she’d driven!) I remember writing about it here, at the time. I speculated that the model in the video may have been a surrogate for his fiance, Whatever Her Name Was, whom he’d recently broken up with, and whom he’d go on to write the album 808s & Heartbreak about. A while later, I searched for this version of the “Flashing Lights” video, to make sure such a video really existed (and to relive the magic), and I couldn’t find it. And I’m taking the fact that I couldn’t as proof that it really was a violent rape fantasy involving his ex, and someone told it probably wasn’t a good idea for him to have that out there.

Similarly, I’m assuming that this new Spike Jonze video had to be pulled because he didn’t want people to get the wrong idea. I read, in a story on some news site about the RIP Kanye hoax, that it includes what could construed as a scene of him committing suicide: Kanye is in this club, stumbling around drunk, like he was at the MTV Awards, and one of his songs comes on. He announces to the crowd that it’s his song, but no one seems to give a shit. (Must have been something off 808s & Heartbreak.) Then he has sex with a woman (really?), and vomits. (Because it was a woman, natch.) Then he stabs himself in the stomach, Elliott Smith-style, and pulls out a rat, which then kills itself with its own knife.

Which brings up a number of questions. First of all: The fuck? Second of all, was this created before or after his little stunt at the VMAs? I’m thinking it was probably before, since Jonze has been busy the past few weeks with promo for Where the Wild Things Are. Wonder Bros spent a lot of money on that movie – which is a kids movie, lest we forget. They can’t have its director off somewhere directing Kanye Wests weird, violent pr0n fantasies. (Not to pass judgment on another man’s weird, violent pr0n fantasies.) Maybe Kanye realized what a douche he was, and the direction his life was headed, and was inspired to make this film. But then his life actually did start to imitate this art, with the incident at the VMAs. And who knows, maybe he really did try to kill himself, or at least contemplate it, and that’s why he had to go on time out.

At any rate, I doubt this hoax would have been nearly as successful, if it didn’t seem at least somewhat plausible.

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  • abdulnasir

    1st… isn’t it time we kill this? …nah?

    • yonmna

      yah thats wats up my nah!

  • General

    “At any rate, I doubt this hoax would have been nearly as successful, if it didn’t seem at least somewhat plausible.”

    That is the case here. It’s sad, but I don’t think anyone would be completely shocked if we heard that Kanye overdosed or committed suicide at this point…

    Ever since his engagement broke up he’s appeared to be even more unstable than usual, which is saying alot

  • Jay stone

    What the fuck is twitter?

  • sealsaa

    “Then he has sex with a woman (really?), and vomits. (Because it was a woman, natch.)”

    Pure gold.

    “Maybe Kanye realized what a douche he was, and the direction his life was headed,”

    That would only be plausible IF he had a conscience.

    Funny, this is the first i’ve heard of this…

    • BIGNAT

      it was not a women but a couch i saw that joint. that vid was trippy as shit first i thought he was just playing drunk. it was much more than that the part that had me rolling. he saw a beautiful girl thought he was getting some. then he wakes up on a couch and the pattern on the pillows was the same pattern that was on the girls dress. another funny part. was when he was talking to the two girls. “heh i am not like all the other guys in here i wanna know you not just fuck you”. mwhahahahah that shit had me dying

  • Chilly Willy

    “What kind of dumbass puts something up on their site and then pulls it down, as if people won’t realize it’s been censored. Um, never mind.”


    • geico lizard

      The only thing funnier than Bol saying that is if xxl pulls this one for him saying it,rofl.

      • Chilly Willy

        Better get on that copy/paste game real quick. LMAO !!!

  • sealsaa

    LOL @ Chilly Willy

    I didn’t even catch that one.

  • qp

    “Which brings up a number of questions. First of all: The fuck?”
    The most hilarious thing I read all day. I think he took it down because the link went dead. There are others out there….but as we know….he don’t post his own shit (in both sense) He could have youtubed that video.

  • Tony Grands

    If Kanye committed suicide, people wouldn’t believe it. They lump him in with Andy Kaufman, Tupac, Elvis, & Bruce Lee, & tell stories of the mysterious man in the back of the club, teetering around drunk & alone, who looked like ‘Ye because of his haircut. Like that dude out in New Orleans @ a bar, even TMZ was saying that he was Pac.

    If he did kill himself though, he would just prove to the world that he really is weak & unstable, & he’s too much of a douche nozzle to have people be able to confirm those allegations.

  • TheCoolest

    Actually i’m pretty sure “We Were Once A Fairytale” was shot back in January.He’s rocking a mullet in the video wich he shaved off a while ago.Yo Bol, I thought that movie that Spike Jonez movie had lesbien sex in it, or am I way off???

  • thoreauly77

    though i know you do this for laughs, controversy, and attention, i just want to point out that you have two very important points to your argument that are in conflict: 1. that kanye is gay; 2. that he is heart-broken about losing his woman.

    so, while this post was moderately funny (some great zingers in there, especially the censorship one), it still doesnt make any sense.

  • Brooklyn

    for all we know, that model bitch could have been kanye’s front, to pretend that he’s straight when in fact he’s gayer than peter pan at a liza minelli/barbara streisand concert. that doesn’t mean that he didn’t care for her and value their friendship, that just means that he wasn’t hitting that, and would explain why they broke up. and since she was a model and was all behind the scenes with that fashion shit, she was probably giving him pointers. maybe he’s upset because he lost a bff.

  • Brahsef

    That Kanye vid is actually pretty decent. Had me entertained for the 12 min it was showin which is prolly longer than most rappers could pull off.

    The film wasn’t really funny, but I was dying when his songs playin and hes drunk yellin at a chick. “I hit all those notes”. hahah

  • kambani

    you dummbass bol, that short movie is old

  • FlapJack

    that short had me buggin.
    made me feel like staying sober for a while.

    how about that pharell-one tho, it did’t get it

  • Chris S

    “when’s it feel like livin’s harder than dying?/to me, givin’ up is way harder than trying” -Champion

    anyone who actually believed the rumor about kanye’s death is retarded

  • Notorious AGC

    ARTIST of the year = KANYE west
    why? STICKIN IT TO THE WHITE MAN once again ON national LIVE television :)