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LisaRaye: The future Mrs. Al Sharpton?

LisaRaye must have seen a picture of Amber Rose on a red carpet somewhere with Kanye, dressed like a streetwalker, and decided she needed to step her game up.

As recently as year ago, you couldn’t have told me that LisaRaye wasn’t the most accomplished of video hoes. She somehow managed to go from dancing around in her underwear in Ludacris videos to being the first lady of an entire island nation – possibly two. (Who or what the fuck is a Turks and Caicos?) The rest of these hoo-ers are still out here trying to blow enough rappers to get a deal with Random House.

Sidebar: I wonder if these publishing companies demand that hoo-ers blow a specific number of rappers in order to get a book deal, especially since it’s been done a few times now. Superhead continues to put up A-rod numbers, and Carmen Bryan supposedly got pregnant by both Nas and Jay-Z. It makes you wonder what kind of stunt the next one of these hoo-ers will pull.

A year or so ago, I broke down how LisaRaye got kicked off Turks and Caicos, as if it was an episode of Survivor. She interrupted her husband, the president, while he was in an important meeting, to try to sue him for divorce. He sicced the secret service on her, and she somehow ended up biting him. The whole thing sounded like the kind of shit that could only happen in a country with a majority black population. Bill Clinton definitely engaged in his share of foolishness, but Hillary Clinton knew better than to interrupt him while he was in a meeting. That’s why white women stay winning.

LisaRaye probably figured she had her husband right where she wanted him. He was well known in Turks and Caicos to have stepped out on her on occasion, which is hardly surprising in the sense that he thought to make a video ho the first lady of a country in the first place. Clearly, his appreciation for asses knows no bounds. The thing is, Turks and Caicos might not be as progressive as the United States, where, if a woman can prove her husband cheated on her, she can take half his shit, just because a man has needs. It might not be uncommon for the president of Turks and Caicos to get his extracurricular freak on in plain view of society. Like I said, they had a video ho for first lady.

Why in the world LisaRaye decided to divorce Michael Misick, I’m not sure. As the first lady of what I’m sure is a corrupt island nation (video hoes…), I’m sure she had plenty of money and shiny material bullshit, which is obviously what she wanted out of life, as a woman in general and a hoo-er in particular. Where the fuck was she going, back to Chicago? Niggas in Chicago are getting their heads split open to the white meat just for not having the sense to not walk towards a huge violent melee. Not to offend TPAR any further than I already have this week, but personally, I’d rather be on the beach. And I don’t even like going outside.

As I suggested in my post a while back, it could be that LisaRaye is just a pathologically deceptive woman. Wikipedia says she’s 42 years old, but I’ve heard rumors that she could be upwards of 60. At this point, she’s probably spent more time doing something strange for some change than I’ve been alive. There might not be an amount of money you can give her to where her mind wouldn’t go to, “What do I need to do to a man to get even more money?” It’s sad, really. She probably didn’t even really enjoy the wealth and privilege that came with being the first lady of Turks and Caicos.

Enter Rocsi from 106 & Park. Word on the street is that Michael Misick was accused raping her, which is why/when LisaRaye decided she should get half of Turks and Caicos. I consulted the world’s most accurate encyclopedia to try to verify this, but I couldn’t find anything on it. I’m assuming this is less a matter of someone from Turks and Caicos skillfully gaming Wikipedia than it is a matter of no one giving a shit about someone from BET getting raped by the leader of a country no one ever heard of.

Anyway, it was suspected at the time (by yours truly), that LisaRaye may have sent Rocsi down to Turks and Caicos to seduce Michael Misick, which I’m sure wasn’t all that difficult, and then holler rape. Then she could sue him for divorce, and she could take him for half of Turks and Caicos. Even if there isn’t a law in Turks and Caicos that rape is grounds for divorce, certainly she could get the US government involved. After all, Rocsi is a US citizen and (more importantly) a celebrity.

Obvious problems with this line of thinking: 1) Rocsi is from Puerto Rico, which might technically confer US citizenship, but there might not be a specific policy with regard to extradition from Turks and Caicos for sex crimes, which would be bad for tourism. 2) Rocsi is a host on BET, which should hardly be considered a TV station. 3) If Turks and Caicos would countenance a video ho as its first lady, what’s the likelihood that they’d give a rat’s ass if the president raped someone from BET? Word on the street is that, after the biting incident, LisaRaye narrowly escaped Turks and Caicos under the cover of night. It’s a wonder they didn’t drop her off some rocks and feed her to the sharks, like Natalee Holloway.

So now LisaRaye is back in the states. Her plot to steal half of Turks and Caicos blew up in her face, and now she’s well into her 40s, even according to Wikipedia. She might even be too old to dance in rap videos (which aren’t particularly known for their standards). Ethnically ambiguous video hoes like Rosa Acosta and Rita G have simultaneously upped the ante on how light a video ho’s skin can be, how nice her hair can be, and how fit her body can be, despite the size of her cans. And god bless them for it. The typical video ho would have taken this as a cue to gradually fade into obscurity, like the now kinda gross Esther Baxter.

But not LisaRaye. The other day, I was checking Global Grind, to see if I could glean any words of wisdom from Nas, who spent 2009 getting stuck for $44,000 a month in child support rather than rapping on the Blueprint 3 and (more importantly) Only Built 4 Cuban Linx II (maybe he should be taking advice from me), and I saw where LisaRaye has cozied up to the Rev Al “Mr. Do” Sharpton. The two of them have been spotted together at a number of events, including Michael Jackson’s funeral and the Congressional Black Caucus. Whether or not she was in the building for Monday Night Raw, I’m not sure. I stopped watching that shit when I was like 19.

Mr. Do, for his part, claims the two of them have just been hard at work on education. And while I doubt he believes that any more than he believes Tawana Brawley got raped by the police, I’m not even mad at him. If a more age appropriate video ho wanted to use me to make a name for herself in the blogosphere, I’d let her do a guest post for this site. (As long as it doesn’t require flying down to Atlanta.) I just hope he knows better than to let her play him like she tried to play Michael Misick. This is not Turks and Caicos, where you can just drop a bitch from a helicopter, like in that movie the Good Shepard. Al Sharpton could fuck around and end up in jail again.

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