I see some bald headed hoes

Most of the reviews I’ve read of Chris Rock’s Good Hair talk about how much white people stand to learn about black people’s hair from watching it, but I figure I could probably learn quite a bit about the topic myself.

I won’t be seeing Good Hair, at least until it comes on cable, because Chris Rock movies are the absolute worst. The more Chris Rock is involved in the creation of a film, the worse it is. But even if he’s just acting in a film, that’s bad enough.

There was a period of time, after his seminal HBO special Bring the Pain (which remains genuinely brilliant), lasting until very recently, when I would watch pretty much anything with Chris Rock in it: Pootie Tang; that movie where he’s running for president; the umpteen subsequent, inferior HBO specials – the most recent of which being the absolute worst. I even saw I Think I Love My Wife in the theater.

I know, what was I thinking.

Anyway, I’ve read a few stories about Good Hair in the past couple of weeks on the Root, which (perhaps predictably) has become increasingly silly, and I saw Chris Rock and Nia Long on the show Toure hosts on Fuse, and it got me to thinking. From the time I was born until the time I was 28, i.e. just now, I’ve hardly so much as thought about black women’s hair. It’s amazing to me that it’s such an object of obsession for black women, in that it’s been a complete nonissue for me.

Don’t get me wrong. As I’ve probably mentioned on this site every now and again, I like nothing more than a full, healthy head of hair on a woman… except for maybe a few other physical traits of a woman that I don’t think I need to get into here. I’ve fielded enough emails from women trying to show off various parts of their bodies to know that the Internets must be even more familiar with my own psyche than I am. It’s just one of those weird hidden benefits of spending your entire adulthood letting people know which women you’d most like to bang, both as a career and for your own personal amusement.

But come to think of it, most of my fascination with hair has focused on white women’s hair. Ever since I heard about Good Hair, I keep finding myself looking at women’s ‘dos, and it’s occurred to me that black women’s hair must be the most insane shit that you’d never even think about, unless you had some sort of reason to. I guess hair is like any other part of a woman’s body, in that it’s essentially invisible, unless it’s remarkable, in which it jumps right out at you. You don’t walk around all day looking at women’s tits, but if a woman has an especially nice rack, you can’t not notice them, even if there’s a coat over them. Some quality you just can’t hide. So perhaps the reason I’d never noticed black women’s hair is because: why would I want to look at black women’s hair?

Here’s a neat trick, if you’re like me and you could hardly give a rat’s ass about even white women’s hair, unless it looks like one of these shampoo commercials, in which case you have to fight the reflexive urge to reach for your wallet. The next time you’re in a discount store, or some place where you’re likely to find a lot of black women, take a look at their heads. That’s what I’ve done for the past couple of weeks now, and I’ve noticed, black women’s hair almost always looks retarded. If it’s some crack ho with hair like Buhweet, then it goes without saying. But even if it’s a woman who’s clearly drawing a check from somewhere, and hence can afford to spend the time and effort to keep her hair in order, it almost certainly doesn’t look quite right. It might look decent enough at a glance, but it doesn’t stand up to strict scrutiny.

For starters, there must not be a very good way to incorporate someone else’s hair into your own hair, regardless of how much money you spend. I know, from having watched the trailer to Good Hair, that weave can run into the thousands of dollars. And obviously most women here in Missouri, where there’s just not that kind of money floating, are choosing to roll with a less expensive option. Their weave didn’t come from a Cambodian woman (like Diddy’s breast milk), it must have come from a horse. Or worse, if that’s possible. A solid 95% of the weave I’ve seen doesn’t even look like hair, let alone that woman’s hair. And the other 5% falls into that category where it’s just too good to be true, where the weave looks even a bit better than “good” hair, and hence not as good. However, I do give props to women who fall into that 5% – just like I find that the absolute best-looking women (emphasis on the word absolute) have breast implants. If you disagree, you haven’t seen enough pr0nography. Call me in five years and apologize.

The other main problem you see with black women who have at least tried to do something with their hair is that they’ve applied some sort of chemical relaxer to it to make it nice and silky smooth, like Michelle Obama and/or one of these broads you might see on the cover of Essence magazine. Which is a good thing, mind you. As far as I’m concerned, that “creamy crack” look might be the best thing black women have got going (hairwise). It’s just that there’s never quite enough hair to pull it off. It stops right at the ears, when it should come all the way down to the shoulders. (At least.) Or maybe it is shoulder length, but if you notice, it’s very thin. It only really looks full from a certain angle. Like a fat woman’s pictures on MySpace. If only there was some sort of chemical to make black women’s hair grow a touch faster than it does. It wouldn’t be as naturally awesome as a white woman’s hair, but as Roger Ebert (who probably knows a lot more about black women’s hair than I do) pointed out in his review of good hair, it’s not like white women don’t use chemicals in their hair.

I think I speak for all men, when I say that I could give a rat’s ass about how a woman goes about looking right. As long as she looks right. And the truth of the matter is that I’m not even sure how important hair is in the grand scheme of things. Perhaps the most bizarre thing about Good Hair is how black women are so obsessed with their hair, when there’s so many other things they could be obsessed with. I’m no advocate of the ski ball look, but Amber Rose doesn’t even have hair, and she still managed to bag Kanye. Yeah, part of that is so he can pretend she’s a guy when he’s shoving it in her pooper, but he wouldn’t be bringing her to these events with him, if she wasn’t smokin’. Kanye’s shallow like that. Could she have hair like a normal woman, if she wanted to? Maybe, but she didn’t even have to. And that’s the thing to keep in mind here. You might not be able to grow a full, healthy head of hair, but there’s almost certainly something else you could do to make yourself more desirable to the opposite sex. The white standard of beauty may not be forgiving, but a man is.

  • dan

    a dog called minton eats a shuttle cock. BadMinton! Lolllers.

    • Gloveson

      BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Chilly Willy

    I think white women are just as obsessed with hair. It’s just that the maintenance treatment doesn’t require the same effort, or at least the same techniques. Truth be told, even guys are obsessed with hair. Not because we love hair, more because women love hair. Bottom line is, if she got style, she got style, and Chilly’s gonna be a very attracted opposite sex counterpart.

  • $ykotic/Don McCaine

    Bol,

    You’re late. Dallas Penn already killed this topic…With pictures…Whatsup capcobra…

    You learn hair from N.E.G. University. Get your credits up.

    N.E.G.= Any ghetto

    footnotes-dallaspenn.com

  • hate

    you put a little thought into this. i’ll give you that much

  • sealsaa

    Co-sign Chilly about all women being obsessed with hair.

    And co-sign Bol for liking a women with a full, healthy head of hair.

    I’m not knocking weeves or wig-weeves for that matter, but black women tend to go overboard with it. Those god-awful micro-braids that looks like doll’s hair, and the different color weeves?!

  • Worley

    “I even saw I Think I Love My Wife in the theater.”

    That flick did a lot of good for male-female relations. Chicks need to understand what will happen when they start holding out on the coochie. There is definitely another chick that won’t.

    • Federal Ranga

      Co to the muthafuckin sign!!!!

      Every man knows this and every woman SHOULD.

  • Grimey G

    Totally agree about Chris Rock. I can’t even think of a comedian who has fallen off as much as him. That first standup special was genius as you wrote but since then they have gotten progressively worse. His movies have always been terrible but everybody would say “at least his standups funny.” However at this point you can’t even say that. In my mind he has lost the right for me to pay to see anything he does, not that I would ever pay to see Good Hair anyway.

  • Phillmatic

    I love natural hair on a black woman. Like the short haired girl from Arrested Development (the group, not the comedy). Unfortunately, women very rarely have short, natural hair. No matter what their colour.

    I’d just have to cut it off myself, while they’re sleeping/walking down the street.

  • http://www.plasticsquirtguns.blogspot.com thoreauly77

    i think the erroneous correlation between a woman having short hair and therefore resembling a man, is absurd.

    amber rose is fucking gorgeous, nearly bald pate and all. other notable short-haired women that i would gladly help with the plumbing:

    - mary stuart masterson in “some kind of wonderful”
    - sharon stone in “basic instinct”
    - nia long in “friday”
    - natalie portman in “domino”

    feel free to add to the list ladies and gentlemen!

    • http://dronkmunk.com dronkmunk

      Natalie portman in V for Vendetta. Domino was Keira Knightley, also hot.

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

    Does Rock get any credit for ‘Everybody Hates Chris’? A voice over’s not much, but the show’s loosely based on his life, so…

    I’d rather have a woman with natural, decent looking hair than a chick with a ridiculous weave (blond streaks, bright colors, etc.). There’s just something about the confidence level of a female when she’s natural & knows it. The more outrageous the weave, the lower the self esteem usually. Though, thats not always a bad thing.

    But wigs? I was dealing with a chick once, & we went to the motel & what not. So, after I dropped my laundry in the washing machine, I say, “let’s take a shower”. She tells me to go into the bathroom first. Through the steamy glass, I see this broad stepping up looking like she’s wearing a too small raiders beanie. I tidied up the sac, headed out into the room, & there was her hair, in the chair, strong & upright like it was watching TV.

    I don’t know if that was the worst part of the night, or if it was as I blazed, & she tugged & struggled with her wig to get it back on, after I’d gotten a glimpse of the mini-mini fro that lives underneath it.

    • Grimey G

      Everybody Hates Chris isn’t good enough to cancel out his string of awful movies that he wrote, directed and/or starred in. I’ve seen him be funny on interviews and shit too but he’s like a baseball player who strikes out a lot and has a low batting average. A few singles don’t help that much. Of course thats just my opinion

  • geico lizard

    “Like a fat woman’s pictures on MySpace.”

    ^
    We have all fallen for that one. She only shoots herself from the breast up or the full body shot is way the fuck down the block and you can barely see her. Some chicks post a group photo and you have to pray she is one of the cute ones.

    “The white standard of beauty may not be forgiving, but a man is.”
    ^
    Co-sign, black women are stressing for no reason just focus on being a good person.

  • latino heat

    lmao @ Grand$ story.

    the highlight of Rock’s acting career was New Jack City. Everybody Hates Chris is good though.

    as far as hair goes, if there’s any females reading this (i know there’s not) shoulder length is the minimum. my hair is shoulder length (and growing) and mad curly, but my hair should not be longer than yours. it’s just not a good look. there’s nothing wrong with weaves as long as there not multi colored. that is a horrible look ladies.

    • http://WWW.MAJORMUVS.COM *BLOCK*

      BLOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      IF YOU ARE LATINO THERE IS A GREAT CHANCE YOUR HAIR WILL BE LONGER THANT HE AVG BLACK WOMAN…I KNOW THATS YOUR STANDARDS JUST WANTED TO POINT OUT THAT SHOULDER LENGTH IS A STRETCH FOR A LOT OF BLACK WOMEN…

      • latino heat

        @ Block

        i knew somebody was gonna bring that up. that’s why i mentioned that i have no problem with weaves as long as there not multi colored. fake hair, real hair, don’t matter to me. as long as it’s shoulder length. no diss intended at all. i love women of all shades. no discrimination over here.

  • El Tico Loco

    Who cares just make sure everything else pussy, legs, and upper lip is bald.

  • Brooklyn

    short hair, long hair, real hair, fake hair–it don’t matter to me, just have that shit looking right. if you rocking the short style, have that shit like toni braxton ca. 1993 or halle berry ca. 2001. if you got a long weave, get them naomi campbell tracks, if you rocking it natural get that jill scott ca. 1999. hell, i even like them girls with that erykah badu ca. “call tyrone” headwrap. a woman needs to keep her hair tight, point blank, that’s her crown and glory. i don’t care what you do or how long it takes, just get that shit done.

  • Chris S

    willie d knows about dem bald headed hoes

  • westcoastaggie

    Believe it or not, alot of men are just as “concerned” about their hair as women are about theirs. Some dudes spend over $100 a month just to keep that ceasar with the deep waves on point. Others spend a whole lot more to keep their dreads or braids on point, if they aren’t lucky enough to get a jawn who is mean with the hair skillz.

    BTW: ALL women are concerned with their hair regardless of “race”. And we all have our preferences HOWEVER, we should not expect every woman we meet to meet these standards and just because they don’t meet the standards does not mean that they aren’t beautiful. SHOW THEM THE RESPECT YOU WOULD WANT SHOWN TO YOU.

    WE ARE HALF THE PROBLEM BEHIND WOMEN HAVING ISSUES.

  • Notorious AGC

    westcoastaggie is a nappy headed hoe (with time in her hands)

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