Contact Us

What’s a rapper gotta do to get on Oprah?

Chris Brown obviously doesn’t read this site. Otherwise, he would have known better than to think Oprah Winfrey was about to let him come on her show, as part of his powder blue bow tie tour.

Breezy thought that, because he performed at Oprah’s school for girls/rape dungeon in South Africa, and because he already apologized to Rihanna, and because, lest we forget, Rihanna hit him first, and Oprah did that entire show about how love is not supposed to hurt and how domestic violence is inexcusable, Oprah would let him come on and tell his side of the story, like he did on Larry King. I could have told him, back when Oprah was trying to get him to go down to Africa, that she’s not the kind of person you do a favor for. Oprah Winfrey hates black men. She was just trying to capitalize on his success at the time. But now, when he could use a favor for her, she’s nowhere to be found. He could have just as easily spent that weekend with me, on the East Side, supporting women’s education in a way that’s a bit more direct.

I might hit him up on Twitter to see if he’s still interested (he’d be “buying,” natch), but something tells me he isn’t. In all likelihood, he’ll just continue to come up with ways to try to get back in Oprah’s good graces. Don’t be surprised if, along with his court-mandated picking up trash on the side of the highway, you see Chris Brown donating money to women who’ve had their genitals ruined in back alley abortions, or sprinkling crack on himself and positioning himself in Oprah’s general vicinity. You know, things that are likely to strike a chord with her.

Just this past week, I saw where Ludacris was giving out free cars to people who don’t have jobs, and you have to think that was meant as some sort of message to Oprah. Oprah once famously gave out brand new Pontiacs (they don’t even make Pontiacs anymore, do they?) to her entire studio audience. But then it kinda ended up backfiring on her, when half the people there couldn’t afford the property tax, and insurance, and ended up in foreclosure and all kinds of crazy shit. Some of those broke bitches probably couldn’t afford to put gas in the thing. (People who don’t have anything else better to do in the afternoon that watch Oprah can’t scrape together $600? Shocker!)

I’m not sure how Ludacris plans to deal with that problem. Hopefully, he had people sign a waiver saying he wasn’t personally responsible for any problems that might arise as a result of them having a car. His giveaway was a contest, in which unemployed people wrote essays about what they might do if they had a car. I wish I knew there was such a contest. I’m not unemployed per se, but I don’t have the kind of job I can explain to people and not have them think I’m selling shit on eBay. As if I’d be willing to put forth that kind of effort. He may have been better off targeting people in my position, anyway. The fact that the people who won were unemployed lets me know this won’t end well. If the white women who watch Oprah can’t afford car insurance (did they consider Geico?), how in the fuck can unemployed people in Atlanta? It’ll be interesting to see how many of these cars end up being used in robberies.

Maybe this is part of the reason why I’m mildly envious of desperately poor people who benefit from charities (don’t even get me started about these soup kitchens), but if Oprah did me like she did Ludacris, I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about trying to get on Oprah. If I were gonna put forth the amount of time, effort and money it took to give away those cars, I would use it to expose Oprah as a salty crack ho with a broken vagine. Like I already have been. But that’s just me. Ludacris probably figures him and Oprah can still overcome their differences. He already tried dissing Hillary Clinton, on that mixtape he had out during the election, and you see where that got him. Obama had to throw him under a bus, like he did that guy Van Jones. And if Ludacris wants to continue getting that Hollywood money, he can’t run afoul of the wrong people.

Look at Jay-Z. He’s got a big feature in this month’s issue of O: The Oprah Magazine, despite the fact that Oprah hardly ever fucks with rappers. Part of it may have had to do with his personal scent, as discussed in a previous post here, but part of it’s that he knows how to play the game. It’s probably not a coincidence that Jay-Z cockblocked Chris Brown from performing at the BET Awards, and now here he is kicking it with Oprah, who won’t have Breezy on her show, despite all he’s done for her. The question is whether Oprah ordered him to do that, as part of a quid pro quo, or if he just figured that was something Oprah might appreciate. I hope it’s the latter, but who knows with Jay-Z.

Recommended For You

Around the Web

Best of XXL

Leave a Comment

It appears that you already have an account created within our VIP network of sites on . To keep your personal information safe, we need to verify that it's really you. To activate your account, please confirm your password. When you have confirmed your password, you will be able to log in through Facebook on both sites.

Forgot your password?

It appears that you already have an account on this site associated with . To connect your existing account just click on the account activation button below. You will maintain your existing VIP profile. After you do this, you will be able to always log in to using your original account information.

Please fill out the information below to help us provide you a better experience.

(Forgot your password?)

Not a member? Sign up here

Sign up for XXL Mag quickly by connecting your Facebook account. It's just as secure and no password to remember!