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Mourning Joe

Every once in a while I’ll think about banging a prostitute, but then I have to remind myself that prostitutes cost money. Just because some hoo-er in a strip club pretended to like me doesn’t mean I could talk her into giving me a “freebie.”

It’s not in a woman’s nature to do something nice for a man just because.

Yeah, I could take a ride over to the East Side and get serviced by some crack ho (perhaps Propecia) for $15. My XXL check just showed up in the mail the other day. But with the amount of wine I drink, I’m not sure if I could get it up for a woman I didn’t genuinely want to have sex with. Not to let you in on any more than you need to know about me.

In conducting pr0n research, I’ve learned that a lot of the pr0n chicks I’d like to have sex with also escort on the side. And I was listening to the Adam Carolla podcast with this guy Kenji Gallo, who was married to Tabitha Stevens back in the mid ’90s, and he was saying that pretty much all pr0n chicks also escort. Which makes sense, if you think about it. Not to take anything away from their art. Which I really do appreciate. I’m just saying.

But the thing is, these pr0n chicks want way more money than I could ever scrape together, unless I somehow land a job that pays a living wage. Some of these hoo-ers want $1,000+ an hour. The only I could see swinging something like that is if I got them to prorate it for the five minutes or so it would take for me to take care of what I need to take care of. And something tells me that, if I were to suggest some shit like that, I’d just get beat up by one of these tiny Chinese guys hoo-ers travel with.

Joe Budden’s got a new video up on Vlad TV (shocker!), talking about how he’s gonna be banging a lot of broads now that Taheezo kicked him to the curb. She probably realized, when that Slaughterhouse album went quadruple wood, that she could make more money working at the strip club, giving the occasional tug job in the champagne room. Since she was almost on the cover of King, she can probably feature dance at places frequented by people who used to read King.

I’m not gonna lie – I didn’t watch very much of this new Joe Budden video. I’ve got one of these shitty $400 laptops that crashes if you watch too many videos, especially on some of these shadier video sites. And I’ve got medical bills piling up from some shit that happened to my arm a few months ago. (That public option can’t arrive soon enough.) But you’d have to think Joe Budden is planning on patronizing a few hoo-ers.

Reasons we know this is true:

1) Joe Budden has a history of that sort of thing. How do you think he found Taheezo? Remember that time him and Taheezo went to the strip club and one of the other hoo-ers there winked at him?

2) It’s not like he can just bang one of the beautiful women who show up to his shows. I’ve never been to a Joe Budden show, but I’ve been to plenty of shows with guys who’d probably be into Joe Budden. I know what it’s like.

3) He did that video the other day talking about how hoo-ers are cleaner than regular women.

Now, here is the part where I’d usually call bullshit on Joe Budden, but he might actually have a point. As I mentioned the other day, I honestly do think he’s a bit smarter than your average bum rapper (for what it’s worth). And long-time readers of this site know I’ve been obsessed with sex ed misinformation since I was in high school. I saw an episode of Dateline NBC about a guy whose girlfriend was HIV positive, but he wasn’t, but he’d hit it raw anyway, since it’s way more difficult to pass HIV from a woman to a man via the main entrance. It just don’t spread like that. That’s the reason you see so many black women with AIDS, but the only black guys you see with AIDS are fruits.

This was corroborated years later in the documentary about Ron Jeremy, when he said he didn’t sweat catching AIDS, since the pr0n industry does such a good job of screening for it and since it’s hard to get AIDS from a woman anyway. This has probably been common knowledge in the pr0n industry, where it’s more of an occupational knowledge. Also common knowledge in the pron industry: the fact that pulling out is just about as effective a form of birth control as a condom. A lot of girls in pr0n are fixed, but I’ve read interviews with girls who aren’t (for academic purposes, natch), who just avoid doing cream pie scenes. It sounds insane, but there was a study recently that bears this out.

As far as hoo-ers being cleaner than regular women, as Joe Budden alleges, it’s hard to say. I know, from years of watching Loveline on MTV, that all sorts of non-HIV VD are way more widespread than you’d think. Dr. Drew likes to point out that, if you’ve had sex, you’ve probably got genital warts. The thing is, you have to multiply those numbers by orders of magnitude for brothers such as myself and Joe Budden, who are barreling towards middle age without any semblance of a positive, steady relationship with a woman. Any woman who’d touch either of us might have something wrong with her. Meanwhile, a real money making ho, to use the parlance of Tariq Nasheed, would insist on using a condom, to avoid catching AIDS.

In this latest video, Joe Budden wonders aloud how he’ll go about documenting his single life, without making any of his girlfriends or their boyfriends jealous. If he bangs a lot of hoo-ers, as I suspect he will, that obviously won’t be much of an issue. If anything, he might have to worry about other rappers recognizing his jumpoffs. Like that time Fabolous recognized Taheezo. At any rate, it’ll be interesting to see what kind of trim Joe Budden can pull. We always talk about how many women we’d take advantage of, if we had the means. Joe Budden might actually be in a position to do so.

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