Mourning Joe

Every once in a while I’ll think about banging a prostitute, but then I have to remind myself that prostitutes cost money. Just because some hoo-er in a strip club pretended to like me doesn’t mean I could talk her into giving me a “freebie.”

It’s not in a woman’s nature to do something nice for a man just because.

Yeah, I could take a ride over to the East Side and get serviced by some crack ho (perhaps Propecia) for $15. My XXL check just showed up in the mail the other day. But with the amount of wine I drink, I’m not sure if I could get it up for a woman I didn’t genuinely want to have sex with. Not to let you in on any more than you need to know about me.

In conducting pr0n research, I’ve learned that a lot of the pr0n chicks I’d like to have sex with also escort on the side. And I was listening to the Adam Carolla podcast with this guy Kenji Gallo, who was married to Tabitha Stevens back in the mid ’90s, and he was saying that pretty much all pr0n chicks also escort. Which makes sense, if you think about it. Not to take anything away from their art. Which I really do appreciate. I’m just saying.

But the thing is, these pr0n chicks want way more money than I could ever scrape together, unless I somehow land a job that pays a living wage. Some of these hoo-ers want $1,000+ an hour. The only I could see swinging something like that is if I got them to prorate it for the five minutes or so it would take for me to take care of what I need to take care of. And something tells me that, if I were to suggest some shit like that, I’d just get beat up by one of these tiny Chinese guys hoo-ers travel with.

Joe Budden’s got a new video up on Vlad TV (shocker!), talking about how he’s gonna be banging a lot of broads now that Taheezo kicked him to the curb. She probably realized, when that Slaughterhouse album went quadruple wood, that she could make more money working at the strip club, giving the occasional tug job in the champagne room. Since she was almost on the cover of King, she can probably feature dance at places frequented by people who used to read King.

I’m not gonna lie – I didn’t watch very much of this new Joe Budden video. I’ve got one of these shitty $400 laptops that crashes if you watch too many videos, especially on some of these shadier video sites. And I’ve got medical bills piling up from some shit that happened to my arm a few months ago. (That public option can’t arrive soon enough.) But you’d have to think Joe Budden is planning on patronizing a few hoo-ers.

Reasons we know this is true:

1) Joe Budden has a history of that sort of thing. How do you think he found Taheezo? Remember that time him and Taheezo went to the strip club and one of the other hoo-ers there winked at him?

2) It’s not like he can just bang one of the beautiful women who show up to his shows. I’ve never been to a Joe Budden show, but I’ve been to plenty of shows with guys who’d probably be into Joe Budden. I know what it’s like.

3) He did that video the other day talking about how hoo-ers are cleaner than regular women.

Now, here is the part where I’d usually call bullshit on Joe Budden, but he might actually have a point. As I mentioned the other day, I honestly do think he’s a bit smarter than your average bum rapper (for what it’s worth). And long-time readers of this site know I’ve been obsessed with sex ed misinformation since I was in high school. I saw an episode of Dateline NBC about a guy whose girlfriend was HIV positive, but he wasn’t, but he’d hit it raw anyway, since it’s way more difficult to pass HIV from a woman to a man via the main entrance. It just don’t spread like that. That’s the reason you see so many black women with AIDS, but the only black guys you see with AIDS are fruits.

This was corroborated years later in the documentary about Ron Jeremy, when he said he didn’t sweat catching AIDS, since the pr0n industry does such a good job of screening for it and since it’s hard to get AIDS from a woman anyway. This has probably been common knowledge in the pr0n industry, where it’s more of an occupational knowledge. Also common knowledge in the pron industry: the fact that pulling out is just about as effective a form of birth control as a condom. A lot of girls in pr0n are fixed, but I’ve read interviews with girls who aren’t (for academic purposes, natch), who just avoid doing cream pie scenes. It sounds insane, but there was a study recently that bears this out.

As far as hoo-ers being cleaner than regular women, as Joe Budden alleges, it’s hard to say. I know, from years of watching Loveline on MTV, that all sorts of non-HIV VD are way more widespread than you’d think. Dr. Drew likes to point out that, if you’ve had sex, you’ve probably got genital warts. The thing is, you have to multiply those numbers by orders of magnitude for brothers such as myself and Joe Budden, who are barreling towards middle age without any semblance of a positive, steady relationship with a woman. Any woman who’d touch either of us might have something wrong with her. Meanwhile, a real money making ho, to use the parlance of Tariq Nasheed, would insist on using a condom, to avoid catching AIDS.

In this latest video, Joe Budden wonders aloud how he’ll go about documenting his single life, without making any of his girlfriends or their boyfriends jealous. If he bangs a lot of hoo-ers, as I suspect he will, that obviously won’t be much of an issue. If anything, he might have to worry about other rappers recognizing his jumpoffs. Like that time Fabolous recognized Taheezo. At any rate, it’ll be interesting to see what kind of trim Joe Budden can pull. We always talk about how many women we’d take advantage of, if we had the means. Joe Budden might actually be in a position to do so.

  • http://Pierzy11@gmail.com Pierzy

    If he videotapes any of them, it may finally be a vlog that more than 19 people will watch. Just look at Ray J.

  • ri067953

    Yo, bol…don’t worry so much about Joey. It sounds like you got some health problems if you can’t pop a rod, man. You’re old, but not that old!

  • sealsaa

    “It’s not in a woman’s nature to do something nice for a man just because.”

    Truth hurts.

    “that she could make more money working at the strip club, giving the occasional tug job in the champagne room”

    I always figured that this was the case, and that her “bar tending” story was bullshit. Her ass is too big NOT to be giving lap dances.

  • OG Matt Herbz

    Joe acts like he’s the first dude to find pussy or something. Men been fucking other broads quick off the rebound for ages. I mean, did anyone expect Joe to get on a video and talk about his pending celibacy? That’s great that he can still pull trim, but who the fuck cares? How about you pull album sales, homey. I’m more interested in whether or not Tahiry’s gonna return my phone calls so I can see what’s good with that.

    –OG Matt Herbz–

  • that nigga

    “And I’ve got medical bills piling up from some shit that happened to my arm a few months ago.”

    Yeah, somebody got they ass kicked. I aint sayin no names, Bol. Or better yet, all that “wackin” off you do with all that free time an no stable of “jump-offs”(thats for you Joey).

    • $ykotic/Don McCaine

      “Bol’s Saturday Night Workout”.

      It speaks for itself.

      This dude needs Tommy John surgery for excessive wacking…

      • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

        He’s having his hands re-palmed with a silk/latex polymer.

        • squadwildin

          Syk and Tony….ya’ll just gone go in[II] on Bol like that? LMFAO….but I did always wonder about the title of this blog…

        • OG Matt Herbz

          He probably still convinces himself that the crusty ass stain on the floor in front of his desk is from some time when he “spilled juice on the carpet,” too.

          –OG Matt Herbz–

        • $ykotic/Don McCaine

          *Rihanna-”Run This Town”*

          “Will Bol pay a thousand for some p*ssy Tonight?”

  • http://www.myspace.com/atlatino404 El Tico Loco

    Oh I see how it is!
    They’re not gonna post my comment where I suggested a collection for Bol so he can have a hoo_er and doesn’t fuck up his arm watching pron on his $400 laptop again. Or how Chino XL, Lady Luck, or Young Zee should fill the NJ slot for slaughterhouse so they can advance in the game without Joeys fuckery or purchase of.

    • Bobo D

      Ha, great minds think alike, see me comment add anything if something is missing.

    • that nigga

      @ SYKOTIC, I shoulda thought of that shit. and El Tico, you must be from Jersey too and you’s a funny dude.

      201

      • http://www.myspace.com/atlatino404 El Tico Loco

        Nah man I’m an all over the world nigga but if you nice you nice and given the background of SH members those qualify as good replacements. NJ took an L with this nigga, I’m in the A right now and we taken a few L’s here too.

  • Bobo D

    I think most prOn stars Ho around at the bunny ranch.

    Bol, for as long as I have been reading your blogs ,damn long , I’m starting to think that you haven’t had female “companionship” since the turn of the century. I think its time for all the XXL commenters to pull together and find you a lady, for the following reasons:
    1-Maybe you can finally heal that arm of yours.
    2-Lets see how you blog when you get some pussy. If I was one of those rappers who want to kick the shit out of you; I wouldn’t hunt you down, I would just send some one of the video hoes to your house.
    3-It’s obvious besides working, blogging and drinking you may need to take a break from the internets.

    Please XXL commentors send all candidatas to byroncrawford.com (it would help if your white and your rack is C-cup or bigger). No crazy women need not apply.

    Thank You,
    Concerned Bobo D

  • Brooklyn

    if i’m gonna pay $1,000 an hour for some coochie, it’s gonna have to be platinum, studded with diamonds, lined in velvet, and able to get me off in one minute. but anyway, he probably won’t have to pay for any, i’m sure there’s some ho out there that would fuck him just to say that she fucked him. i know superhead wrote a book telling bitches how to be hoes a few months back, perhaps one of her apprentinces are planning on following in her footsteps and making joey the first stepping stone to hip-hop hoing infamy.

    • Enlightened

      Hmmm…

      But hypothetically speaking, what if you had Jay-Z/Diddy/Master P (1999) money?

      I’d like to think I would be the same me, but that shit is the equivalent of one of us paying 5 dollars to hit somebody that look like Esther Baxter – and not having to have a conversation with that broad afterwards unless you wanted to.

      Let me see… a blunt or hitting somebody that look like Esther.

      If I was worth a half billion I might have to toss that $1000 out there every once in a while!

      • http://www.myspace.com/atlatino404 El Tico Loco

        You must have not seen Esther Baxter lately, she look like she’s attainable on a McDonald’s manager salary. Plus there’s dimes with low self esteem that are not in the adult industry, and there are ones that got it together but will let most niggas hit because they find it “empowering”, there’s a couple of them that I inspire and motivate now.

        • Enlightened

          Aw, hell naw. Not Esther. Nope, I haven’t seen her lately.

          And yeah it’s a lot of broads walkin around on that level but that’s still like you said, somebody you have to inspire and motivate. I’m talking about being able to grab broads that tight, 10s, like a value meal at McDonalds. No conversation. Not even a one night stand. More like a as-long-as-it-take-you-to-nut stand. Bomb head, swallows and gargles, everything included, for the price of what you’ll spend on drinks. Then you can go back to your regular broads that you chill with.

          Well I guess I don’t have to worry about that decision.

      • Brooklyn

        well, that’s different. if i was making like 23 million a year then 1,000 dollars would be like a fucking dollar bill to me. but she’d still have to be a dime, and a master freak to boot.

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

    Before I go pay a stranger to lay there & receive my love muscle, I know plenty of fat, unattractive, no self esteem having chicks personally who would leave work early to come & service me. Well endowed slore or otherwise, I’m not handing over money primarily for skeetery.

    If she’s smart, she could possibly get something to eat, & even then, I’m talking dollar menu.

  • Mutada/Mullah Atari

    Bol chill with the prOn talk. Was it Grands or Herbz, who said. “Its better to fuck an ugly bitch than to watch prOn and jack-off”.

    There comes a point….

    • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

      Nah, that was Herbz.

      But I concur nonetheless.

  • sealsaa

    I’m suprised Bol, that you didn’t comment on Jay-Z’s “diss” to 50 cent. As we speak, the STANS on ThisIs50 are going apeshit.

    Then there’s that alleged Foxy Brown sex tape *shudder* on WorldStar…

  • Worth the Read

    I Just wanna Say THANKS Bol! for breaking the news to Me!… I didnt know She put Joey OUT!…

    LEt Me go call my neew favorite broad in the Whole world!… I’m hoping to be out there Tonight! YES!

    L Genius 1

  • DV8

    “I saw an episode of Dateline NBC about a guy whose girlfriend was HIV positive, but he wasn’t, but he’d hit it raw anyway, since it’s way more difficult to pass HIV from a woman to a man via the main entrance. It just don’t spread like that. That’s the reason you see so many black women with AIDS, but the only black guys you see with AIDS are fruits.”

    LMAO…. I see what you did there. For those who missed it. The next sentence to follow (if he had wrote it)would probably say something like this. “Since most straight black men have sex with white women”

  • BIGNAT

    “She probably realized, when that Slaughterhouse album went quadruple wood, that she could make more money working at the strip club, giving the occasional tug job in the champagne room” tug job come one bol you know she doing more than that. more like a tug job while she sits on your face hahahahahah

  • balaramesh

    @ bol,

    tahiry
    gloria velez
    bria myles

    which one of them could YOU bone

  • Worley

    “but then I have to remind myself that prostitutes cost money.”

    I have yet to find a woman that doesn’t. All of them are in the prostitution game except some go the amateur route (only sliming the same 1-3 guys for money) while others will go full steam with it.

  • caino

    Classic post Bol, l’m finding it hard(to pun) not to comment on your injured arm….too many jokes, head going to explode!

    On tha real tho, like OG herb states, it is better to hit ugly broad than audition the finger puppets(5 knuckle shuffle)