How I know Tila Tequila is lying

This Shawne Merriman-Tila Tequila incident has me perplexed. I thought Asian women were supposed to be known for their compliance?

Obviously it’s never been much of an issue for me, personally, because you guys know I don’t dine on Chinese. I can appreciate the fact that Asian women, by and large, have remained admirably thin, in an age when even a lot of my beloved white women are beginning to take after their black counterparts, and the fact that a lot of Asian women now have decent racks has been perhaps the only positive development so far this century, but I struggle with the whole pancake face thing. The really extreme ones, in particular, make my hair stand up on my arm. I look at them and I imagine them being pressed into a rock, to make them all flat like that. However, I do find that Asian makes for a good mixer in women. Asian women who are half-white (via optimism) are nice and round in the face, but still kinda exotic. And black women who are half-Asian have much fuller, healthier heads of hair than regular black women.

It could be that Asian women are fine when they’re sober, but a little alcohol causes them to flip out. Most of them aren’t very big, so it wouldn’t take much anyway. And anyone who’s ever frequented a strip club on off hours knows how Asian men get down. (There must not be a Chinese symbol for sexual assault.) They say that Native Americans are really Asians who traveled here on a land bridge, so it could be that drinking problems like theirs are also prevalent in the Orient.

Tila Tequila tried to cop a plea yesterday on Twitter, talking about how she can’t drink because she’s allergic to alcohol, and that’s how she got the name Tila Tequila, because of the irony. She also pointed out the fact that she’s only 4’11 and 93 pounds, which is just this side of the cutoff point for midget, according to Little People of America (I looked it up), though I’m not sure if I’d believe that, until I actually got a chance to take a tape measure to her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s 4’10, or maybe even 4’9, and she added an extra inch to her bio, so she wouldn’t be cast as a little person. It’s just like Lady Gaga swearing up and down that she doesn’t have a schlong. She spends all that time with her ass and her cans hanging out of her clothes, but she can’t give us a look at her snatch. Hmm…

I checked her Twitter just now, and I see both the one about how she’s allergic to alcohol (which might not even be possible), and the one about how she’s the world’s tallest midget have been removed. And I read earlier today on Necole Bitchie where there was one from the night of the incident, in which she was talking about how drunk she was. She was so drunk, she couldn’t even spell properly, despite her obvious intelligence. I’d check to see if that one has been removed, but I’m not willing to put forth the effort it would take to dig through her archives. There was a story yesterday on CNN about how, up until this incident, she had been known to update over 100 times a day, and I’m still recovering from digging through Jean Grae’s Twitter. Speaking of women with drinking problems…

Tila Tequila is almost certainly lying about this. Shawne Merriman probably didn’t so much as touch her, but if he did, it was probably just to keep her from trying to do some kung fu on him, in which case he would have had to put his shoe on her. If he really did choke the shit out of her, wouldn’t her neck be all fucked the fuck up right now? You guys know Noam Chomsky and I don’t have time to watch sports (nullus), but I noticed in researching this post that, if you start typing Shawne Merriman into the Google, autocomplete suggests “shawne merriman steroids.” You see how fucked up Rihanna’s face was after the Rumble in the Lambo, and he’s generally known as a beta male. (Just kidding, Chris!)

The real question: will Tila Tequila get away with lying about this man? This latest incident, which could use a catchy name (the Shanghai Surprise?), is but the latest in a long line of incidents in which people have lied about black men attacking them and basically got away with it. The other day, jimbrah izrael pointed out how Rihanna hit Chris Brown first, and yet he’s the one on paper. And then there was that incident when Perez Hilton had the fruits who follow him on Twitter calling 911 on Will.i.am, when they had him on tape getting punched by one of Will.i.am’s weed carriers. Something needs to be done to teach these people some respect.

  • geico lizard

    So Shawne Merriman went from dating gloria velez to dating tila tequila? This situation is a surprise because the chargers usually dont start “choking” until the playoffs start…ba-zing.

  • http://www.plasticsquirtguns.blogspot.com thoreauly77

    i dont even know where to begin with this post…. so many funny lines had me laughing at loud bol. great, hilarious piece.

    also, a little taiwanese woman i hung out with a few weeks ago claimed that the chinese are allergic to alcohol; they break out with rashes, etc. apparently they also break out the kung-fu grip action.

  • $ykotic/Don McCaine

    @ geico

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Didn’t Merriman get fined for clocking someone on the field? She’d be in ICU if he pieced her.

    • Silly Chilly Willy

      Forget an ICU, she’d be in another time zone right about now, you’d have to call her Tila Vodka. The real problem is she could punch him all she likes all day of the week, and he won’t get no bruise. But if he so much as tickle her ass, she’d be blue for a week. Even forensics can’t do shit about that……..SMH

  • http://www.myspace.com/pharris27610 P. Harris

    Don’t you think if “Lights Out” would have choked Tila Tequila…

    This bich neck would look like a burnt match…

    with all the bruising and shit… is she wearing a turtle neck? That’s how you know… if she’s wearing a turtle neck somethings up… abused women tend to wear turtle necks after a choke fight….

    • http://Pierzy11@gmail.com Pierzy

      Exactly! If Merriman choked 99% of the commentors on this site (including me!), there would be some sort of evidence. Plus, she didn’t say that afterwards he did his sack dance so you know it’s bullshit.

  • fatDAN

    She’s lying.

  • http://www.myspace.com/emcdlthemusicprofile EmCDL

    Yeah she lying….probably trying to get some more publicity.

  • AZ40

    hell yeah she lying who the fuck is allergic to alchol, and she’ll get away with it b/c she’s a woman,duh the law tends to favor the “fairer” sex that’s why they need a shit load of money for “child support” and such

  • sealsaa

    “She also pointed out the fact that she’s only 4′11″

    That makes her about eye level for a blow job. Hmm…

    “The other day, jimbrah izrael pointed out how Rihanna hit Chris Brown first, and yet he’s the one on paper”

    And Oprah, in her never ending pursuit to demonize black men as a result of her “coerced” crack smoking incident, chose to throw him under a bus yet AGAIN. Let’s see how long it takes her to throw Merriman under…

    “This latest incident, which could use a catchy name (the Shanghai Surprise?)”

    How about the “throw down in China town”, or “The choking of the chinese chicken-head”

  • hate

    co-sign bol

    bitch is fame starved

    if she was smart she woulda stayed with him an got a reality relationship show with him, on E! or some other fag network.

    fuckin bitches is worthless

  • latino heat

    the thing that turns me off about asian women isn’t there pancake face’s, it’s there pancake asses that i don’t like.

    • HNIC

      Co-Sign! If they can invent & improve upon cell phones, computers, Playstation & spaceships, then why can’t they seem to grow any asses? Genetic disorder, perhaps?

      That, my friends, is a question for the ages.

  • BIG Ry

    This twat saw the outpouring of sympathy that Rihanna got and now she thinks she’ll get the same.These fame hungry bitches are really scandalous!!!

  • FPL

    Rosewood

  • Brooklyn

    tila tequila is ugly any fuckin way, not to mention the fact that she has the body of a preadolescent girl, even if dude was beating on her ass, she’s lucky to have him. but as small as she is and as big as he is, if he had a hit her, he would have probably killed her. and them black/asian women are the truth though, amerie is fine as a motherfucker and i’d love to play in her hair while i got her bent over.

  • giantstepp

    “Shawne Merriman probably didn’t so much as touch her, but if he did, it was probably just to keep her from trying to do some kung fu on him, in which case he would have had to put his shoe on her.”

    You a fool for this one Bol! lmao
    Seriously tho, you’d think that an All Pro NFL player putting his hands on a woman that small evidence of it would be there.

  • BOSS D.R.E.

    LOL Shanghai Surprise!!!

  • Moving Sideways

    “There must not be a Chinese symbol for sexual assault.”

    Funniest.

  • HNIC

    Bol, with this post, you reminded of Stephen Colbert’s “Final Word” segment. I’m not mad… simply stating an observation. Funny post, as always.

  • BIGNAT

    i agree fellas if merriman sacked her ass she would be crippled. this is what most likely happened. she was sipping and acting stupid and then she got mad at him because he wouldn’t eat her pussy. he was like nah take your ass to sleep. she got mad grabbed the keys to the car and he had to stop her. in her drunk state she felt like she was being beat up. even though most likely she was fighting him and he was just trying to stop her from hurting herself.
    if merriman big ass was choking her she would have a hand print on her neck. also to crush a big ass lie about that chick. WHEN SHE HAD HER SHOW SHE WAS SIPPING ALCOHOL ALL THE TIME THESE HO’S BE LYING THAMMMMMMMMMMMM

  • BIGNAT

    ” I struggle with the whole pancake face thing. The really extreme ones, in particular, make my hair stand up on my arm. I look at them and I imagine them being pressed into a rock, to make them all flat like that”
    there dudes got small ones over time there faces evovled that way mwhahahhahahaha

  • Pana

    ” I can appreciate the fact that Asian women, by and large, have remained admirably thin, in an age when even a lot of my beloved white women are beginning to take after their black counterparts”

    this coming from an obese black guy.

    “And black women who are half-Asian have much fuller, healthier heads of hair than regular black women.”

    and this coming from a prematurely balding black guy?

    Bol you’re fat, black and bald. You should embrace your own kind.

    • stoneyisland

      Amen! Bol, you fat fuck

  • Caino

    Some asian woman are fine as hell, untill they get past 30 yrs old , then they all look they be 90 or sumthing ! lol

    Anyhow , this Tila Tequila probably is just looking for a new MTV reality tv show!!

  • BGZ

    LMAO at the image of Bol an Noam Chomsky… priceless.

    BTW ‘Tila’ isn’t her real name either; it’s Thien Thanh Thi Nguyen. She changed it to sound more Hispanic (like white Polish kids from New Jersey dye their hair dark and go by Carlos). Her image is faker than her boobs.
    She also turned lesbian at one point, what happened to that?

    In cases of alleged domestic violence – especially if the accused is a black athlete; – it’s really the case of ‘guilty until proven innocent’ by the general public.
    As said before, ‘Lights Out’ Merriman is 6’4″ with arms are wider than my legs; if a little person acted up on him he could put a serious dent in them.

  • stoneyisland

    The bitch has already been busted the day after when someone posted her twitter information where she says she is so drunk and cant wait to see Shawn, here’s what I think, she was teasing the dude all night at a club, giving him lap dances (the photos are avialable at mediatakeout.com) so shawn and few friends break to his crib where he unleashed his monster, she gets scared and drunk and starts breaking shit, he throws the skank out she cries assault because she’s embarrassed as fuck, not to mention the cops said she was drunk AND she had no visible injuries what so ever! if a 6’4 260 pound dude yanks you up, you get bruised, especially if you 4’11 and 80 pounds:)

  • ?

    You’re fucking racist
    Im an oreo and I have a head full of hair
    Im sick of you down talking black women
    I bet you’ve never dated one
    You have so much self hatred thats it not even funny
    and you know whats hilarious?
    I black woman wouldnt touch you with a 20 ft pole
    fucking loser

  • ?

    a**