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How I know Tila Tequila is lying

This Shawne Merriman-Tila Tequila incident has me perplexed. I thought Asian women were supposed to be known for their compliance?

Obviously it’s never been much of an issue for me, personally, because you guys know I don’t dine on Chinese. I can appreciate the fact that Asian women, by and large, have remained admirably thin, in an age when even a lot of my beloved white women are beginning to take after their black counterparts, and the fact that a lot of Asian women now have decent racks has been perhaps the only positive development so far this century, but I struggle with the whole pancake face thing. The really extreme ones, in particular, make my hair stand up on my arm. I look at them and I imagine them being pressed into a rock, to make them all flat like that. However, I do find that Asian makes for a good mixer in women. Asian women who are half-white (via optimism) are nice and round in the face, but still kinda exotic. And black women who are half-Asian have much fuller, healthier heads of hair than regular black women.

It could be that Asian women are fine when they’re sober, but a little alcohol causes them to flip out. Most of them aren’t very big, so it wouldn’t take much anyway. And anyone who’s ever frequented a strip club on off hours knows how Asian men get down. (There must not be a Chinese symbol for sexual assault.) They say that Native Americans are really Asians who traveled here on a land bridge, so it could be that drinking problems like theirs are also prevalent in the Orient.

Tila Tequila tried to cop a plea yesterday on Twitter, talking about how she can’t drink because she’s allergic to alcohol, and that’s how she got the name Tila Tequila, because of the irony. She also pointed out the fact that she’s only 4’11 and 93 pounds, which is just this side of the cutoff point for midget, according to Little People of America (I looked it up), though I’m not sure if I’d believe that, until I actually got a chance to take a tape measure to her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s 4’10, or maybe even 4’9, and she added an extra inch to her bio, so she wouldn’t be cast as a little person. It’s just like Lady Gaga swearing up and down that she doesn’t have a schlong. She spends all that time with her ass and her cans hanging out of her clothes, but she can’t give us a look at her snatch. Hmm…

I checked her Twitter just now, and I see both the one about how she’s allergic to alcohol (which might not even be possible), and the one about how she’s the world’s tallest midget have been removed. And I read earlier today on Necole Bitchie where there was one from the night of the incident, in which she was talking about how drunk she was. She was so drunk, she couldn’t even spell properly, despite her obvious intelligence. I’d check to see if that one has been removed, but I’m not willing to put forth the effort it would take to dig through her archives. There was a story yesterday on CNN about how, up until this incident, she had been known to update over 100 times a day, and I’m still recovering from digging through Jean Grae’s Twitter. Speaking of women with drinking problems…

Tila Tequila is almost certainly lying about this. Shawne Merriman probably didn’t so much as touch her, but if he did, it was probably just to keep her from trying to do some kung fu on him, in which case he would have had to put his shoe on her. If he really did choke the shit out of her, wouldn’t her neck be all fucked the fuck up right now? You guys know Noam Chomsky and I don’t have time to watch sports (nullus), but I noticed in researching this post that, if you start typing Shawne Merriman into the Google, autocomplete suggests “shawne merriman steroids.” You see how fucked up Rihanna’s face was after the Rumble in the Lambo, and he’s generally known as a beta male. (Just kidding, Chris!)

The real question: will Tila Tequila get away with lying about this man? This latest incident, which could use a catchy name (the Shanghai Surprise?), is but the latest in a long line of incidents in which people have lied about black men attacking them and basically got away with it. The other day, jimbrah izrael pointed out how Rihanna hit Chris Brown first, and yet he’s the one on paper. And then there was that incident when Perez Hilton had the fruits who follow him on Twitter calling 911 on, when they had him on tape getting punched by one of’s weed carriers. Something needs to be done to teach these people some respect.

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