Def Jam Vain-detta 2: Bumfight

I’ll start this one off with a little perspective on how far DMX has fallen. DMX’s last LP, Year of the Dog… Again fell a mere 100 units short of a U.S.-record six (6) consecutive #1 debuts. He would have broken the record of 5 set by his previous record, Grand Champ.

[Blogger’s Note: That information comes from Wikipedia, which is a journalistic no-no, but I believe them niggas. I'll gladly change the lead if it's wrong.]

How does a nigga who has sold more than 30 million records find himself needing to take part in a bullshit MMA exhibition such as the Alabama Pride MMA event at the Birmingham Jefferson Convention Complex? There was a time when damn near any artist on the planet would have been lucky to open his show. Come December 12th, DMX will be opening for Butterbean and Tank Abbott.

I will resist the urge to make a joke about opening a can of whoop-ass. Besides, he probably won’t be doing as much. However, crack strength has accounted for some unlikely knockouts throughout the course of my city street corner spectatorship. [Blogger’s Note: That’s alliteration, holmes.] I’ve also bore witness as a lone crackhead carried a couch up 11 flights of project stairs when the elevator was broken.

This is to say if Eric Martinez put DMX in an armbar, he’d probably break the shit and not receive so much as a tap out[", bro" ?]. That’s plenty reason to fear. Martinez might even fuck around and get bitten.

As for DMX, what would be the benefit of his buffoonery in Birmingham before a brood of bellowing Butterbean backers, you beckon? [Blogger's Note: See previous Blogger's Note]

Butterbean Fan: Which one ‘nem rap sum’bitches that thurr? That’s Two-pack?

Another Fan: Naw, him and the fat, black sum’bitch one been done kilt each other off. Ain’t he the one that act like the dawg on the TV? The umm, Doggy Dog one?

Fan #1: Hmmm. You might be right. I know that ain’t the Corn-yay West. That’s for damn sure. I just got the Corn-yay dartboart from down by the Piggly Wiggly over River Run.

Fan #2: Who gives a god damn, so long as Butterbean hawg-tie and tan that sum’bitch like a goddamn sow?

Fan #1: God bless Amurrca!

I understand an event like this might more likely bring out fratty Rich Boy listeners under normal douchebag entertainment circumstances. However, Butterbean and Tank Abbott’s draw might be more of the Larry the Cable Guy persuasion. Please stop me if I’m wrong.

Even if you could justify this course of action as beneficial to a rapper’s career by virtue of exposure—which you can’t—a promoter might be able to drum up a DMX fan or two if this shit were, say, Tito Ortiz vs. Quinton “Rampage/B.A. Baracus” Jackson. Alas, it’s fucking Butterbean and Tank Abbott.

Nobody wins on December 12th, no matter what DMX’s publicist might say.

“It’s all in good fun… Over the last six months he has been living a very healthy lifestyle, a lifestyle that consists of hitting the gym every single day and eating healthy. He looks great and he feels incredible. This is the perfect opportunity for him to show his fans it’s the return of X.”

DMX’s thankfully nameless publcist, XXLMag.com

First of all, again, what fans? Second, DMX looked like shit as per usual at the VH1 Def Jam suckfest. If that’s what vegetables do to a nigga, you’ll never get the children to eat cauliflower. Finally, how the fuck does this shit show anyone “the return of X”?

Is DMX gonna drop another It’s Dark and Hell Is Hot live from that motherfucker? Will the nigga be doing something musical of note? I’d more readily equate “the return of X” with he and his publicist having sniffed through the purse before they reach the interstate en route to the next demoralizing gig.

He’ll be tearing teeth out with pliers for a rock and a dry turkey sandwich next. And, don’t you dare laugh at that—you sick, sick Bumfight-watching scumfucker.

This is more than an exhibition or “good fun”. This is more than DMX doing what he has to do to get his career on track. How the fuck does making an ass out of himself in front of a few hundred rednecks help his life and music career? Don’t hand me more of that “any publicity is good publicity” bullshit either. Anyone who says as much is either ass ignorant or a terrible publicist. Probably both.

I mean, you can be a spectacle at your own lynching.

Questions? Comments? Requests? I got 5 on Butterbean in his backyard. ron@ronmexicocity.com

P.S.: I can’t think of the phrase “butterbean” without remembering this image. I’m ruined.

  • $ykotic/Don McCaine

    Yo WTF is up with that video Mexx?

    Is that a tranny? Damn man stop making me watch them videos!

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Whatever X gotta do to stop puffing them crills is cool. Ain’t like I’ma watch it anyway.

    J7M

  • JAY STONE

    Cocaine is a hell of drug

  • JAY STONE

    ron,its not cool to kick a man while he is down.you of all people should know better

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

    Damn. I’m glad X still has a special place in your heart, Mex.

    That’s just what dudes need right now, a good laugh…

    I hope he doesn’t get up there & get Sticky Fingaz’d. Last thing as ex-addict, fresh out the joint rapper needs on his resume is his ass handed to him in front of a bunch of corn shuckers.

    Let’s pray he doesn’t bark when the match starts.

    • GIBZ

      omg u aint lying. He is trying to show his fans that he has “returned” as his oh so talented, imaginative publicist put it. But I have a feelin Mr. Martinez might just leave X tapping out and that def wont be a good look lol. I’ma pray for him period lol.

      Yo Grand$ quick question, I seen a cple posts back, in the comment section, you were wishing Pierzy all the best. Where is he going??? Just curious why he no longer will be chiming in. His point of view will def be missed. Let me know

      MEX good post shit is def not the way to “return” even though that train has long passed. lol and now because of you, when I think of butterbean, I’m going to vomit just a lil. Thanks buddy!! lol

      • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

        GIBZ!

        Whaddup fam?!

        Yeah, Pierzy said he needed to focus on school & work so he won’t really have the time to be around as much. So, he was just telling cats peace out & showing some love & respect. That grown man shit, you know?

        • GIBZ

          damn that IS some grown man ish. I respect that. But it aint like commenting on here takes up that much time. Well then again it can if you let it. I def respect that. Good looks on the quick response Grand$

  • caino

    That youtube video is the funniest thing l have seen in a while, l sent that to all my mates, lol.

    On another note, l hope X man doesnt eff up his career anymore than he already has, stop the fighting and drop another hot album.

  • biggamike

    The 6 consecutive #1 albums is not the record. Jay has released at least 9 straight #1 solo, 11 if you count Best of Both Worlds albums. Vol.2, Vol.3, Dynasty, Blueprint 1, 2, and 3, The Black Album, Kingdom Come, and American Gangsta.

    • LEO

      Yeah…but not from first release…up to DMX’s fifth album u could say all his albums were number one…no other solo artist ever had that…

      I hope X wins lol

  • Brooklyn

    you know a nigga is in a low place when he stoops this low for attention, but for the love of the crack rock, niggas will do just about anything. but it could be much worse, at least he ain’t doing no gay shit for crack, at least i hope he isn’t.

  • Around and Around

    Supposedly DMX’s fight is only going to be boxing, not MMA. It’ll look like one of those tough man fights with a couple idiots throwing nothing but haymakers, no finesse and tired after 1 minute…..garbage

  • AZ40

    They said he’ll be doing boxing not the real squabblin’ that they are know to do in the MMA

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

    If X has shown us anything over the last 6 years, it’s that he doesn’t give a fuck. Fuck rules, fuck regulations. This dude is going to hear a bell, howl @ the moon, charge homeboy & try to DDT him, no questions asked.

    & thats if he shows up.

  • BIGNAT

    “If that’s what vegetables do to a nigga, you’ll never get the children to eat cauliflower” LMAO and ron ron what the fuck was up with that poak chops video.

  • anutha_level

    man…it seems like everytime you drop a DMX post, the shit turns out to be an instant classic.

  • SRB WPN

    I googled mr martinez not knowing what it was… big mistake dont anyone here do it

  • LEO

    I’m a big DMX fan…got all his albums, read the book(fucking paint!!!) watch the movies, bsically I supports the nigga…till this day I think hes the realest/hardest nigga to ever touch a Mic…no one, in my opinion, ever put so much emotion and raw energy into his music as much as this nigga has…but you right…he doesn’t need this kind of publicity he needs to keep his ass in the studio and do his music and stick to that…I hope he wins…if he looses…then its a wrap for X…that’s right…I still don’t think it has been a wrap for him lol…

    DMX-It ain’t my fault….Hot shit!!! lie to me and say it aint!!!