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Def Jam Vain-detta 2: Bumfight

I’ll start this one off with a little perspective on how far DMX has fallen. DMX’s last LP, Year of the Dog… Again fell a mere 100 units short of a U.S.-record six (6) consecutive #1 debuts. He would have broken the record of 5 set by his previous record, Grand Champ.

[Blogger’s Note: That information comes from Wikipedia, which is a journalistic no-no, but I believe them niggas. I’ll gladly change the lead if it’s wrong.]

How does a nigga who has sold more than 30 million records find himself needing to take part in a bullshit MMA exhibition such as the Alabama Pride MMA event at the Birmingham Jefferson Convention Complex? There was a time when damn near any artist on the planet would have been lucky to open his show. Come December 12th, DMX will be opening for Butterbean and Tank Abbott.

I will resist the urge to make a joke about opening a can of whoop-ass. Besides, he probably won’t be doing as much. However, crack strength has accounted for some unlikely knockouts throughout the course of my city street corner spectatorship. [Blogger’s Note: That’s alliteration, holmes.] I’ve also bore witness as a lone crackhead carried a couch up 11 flights of project stairs when the elevator was broken.

This is to say if Eric Martinez put DMX in an armbar, he’d probably break the shit and not receive so much as a tap out[“, bro” ?]. That’s plenty reason to fear. Martinez might even fuck around and get bitten.

As for DMX, what would be the benefit of his buffoonery in Birmingham before a brood of bellowing Butterbean backers, you beckon? [Blogger’s Note: See previous Blogger’s Note]

Butterbean Fan: Which one ‘nem rap sum’bitches that thurr? That’s Two-pack?

Another Fan: Naw, him and the fat, black sum’bitch one been done kilt each other off. Ain’t he the one that act like the dawg on the TV? The umm, Doggy Dog one?

Fan #1: Hmmm. You might be right. I know that ain’t the Corn-yay West. That’s for damn sure. I just got the Corn-yay dartboart from down by the Piggly Wiggly over River Run.

Fan #2: Who gives a god damn, so long as Butterbean hawg-tie and tan that sum’bitch like a goddamn sow?

Fan #1: God bless Amurrca!

I understand an event like this might more likely bring out fratty Rich Boy listeners under normal douchebag entertainment circumstances. However, Butterbean and Tank Abbott’s draw might be more of the Larry the Cable Guy persuasion. Please stop me if I’m wrong.

Even if you could justify this course of action as beneficial to a rapper’s career by virtue of exposure—which you can’t—a promoter might be able to drum up a DMX fan or two if this shit were, say, Tito Ortiz vs. Quinton “Rampage/B.A. Baracus” Jackson. Alas, it’s fucking Butterbean and Tank Abbott.

Nobody wins on December 12th, no matter what DMX’s publicist might say.

“It’s all in good fun… Over the last six months he has been living a very healthy lifestyle, a lifestyle that consists of hitting the gym every single day and eating healthy. He looks great and he feels incredible. This is the perfect opportunity for him to show his fans it’s the return of X.”

DMX’s thankfully nameless publcist,

First of all, again, what fans? Second, DMX looked like shit as per usual at the VH1 Def Jam suckfest. If that’s what vegetables do to a nigga, you’ll never get the children to eat cauliflower. Finally, how the fuck does this shit show anyone “the return of X”?

Is DMX gonna drop another It’s Dark and Hell Is Hot live from that motherfucker? Will the nigga be doing something musical of note? I’d more readily equate “the return of X” with he and his publicist having sniffed through the purse before they reach the interstate en route to the next demoralizing gig.

He’ll be tearing teeth out with pliers for a rock and a dry turkey sandwich next. And, don’t you dare laugh at that—you sick, sick Bumfight-watching scumfucker.

This is more than an exhibition or “good fun”. This is more than DMX doing what he has to do to get his career on track. How the fuck does making an ass out of himself in front of a few hundred rednecks help his life and music career? Don’t hand me more of that “any publicity is good publicity” bullshit either. Anyone who says as much is either ass ignorant or a terrible publicist. Probably both.

I mean, you can be a spectacle at your own lynching.

Questions? Comments? Requests? I got 5 on Butterbean in his backyard.

P.S.: I can’t think of the phrase “butterbean” without remembering this image. I’m ruined.

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