Beam me up, Scotty

What is it about crackheads and sweatpants, anyway?

I hardly own any sweatpants myself, both because it’s not like I’m playing a lot of sports and because I’ve always been kinda prematurely aged. There isn’t anything I do in the course of a typical day that can’t be accomplished in a pair of khakis, and I don’t have to sweat getting rid of them when the style changes. Worst case scenario, they might split in the seam – and even then I might duct tape them and get another six months or so out of them. But I bring this up because I read the other day that they found celebrity DJ AM face down on a bed wearing sweatpants without a shirt and with a crack pipe next to him, and I thought to myself, Of course they did.

You always hear about crackheads wearing sweatpants. When I used to work at White Castle, there was a crackhead who would come in wearing sweatpants and a Chicago Bears Starter coat from 1986. Man, she reaked. And a while back, I read a great post by Combat Jack about the time when one of the guys he went to law school with tried to borrow money from him to buy some crack. At first he didn’t realize anything was wrong, but then he noticed the guy was wearing sweatpants with a pair of dress shoes. Someone with the tools and talent might need to look into this trend. There must be something about crack that makes you not want to wear regular pants. It must make the skin on your legs feel funny.

My bad, if you’re a big fan of DJ AM, and you find this is a bit too soon. I was on Twitter the other day, after they found him, and I noticed a lot of people were very adamant about coming to his defense, even though hardly anyone had anything bad to say about him, other than Noz, who could find something bad to say about pretty much anyone other than Pimp C, a shermhead who did time for pulling a gun on a woman in a mall. Ironically enough, Noz’s tweet (nullus) had to do with how AM’s fans were doing him a disservice by going so overboard with their tributes – this coming from the same guy who did like 20 posts in a row when Pimp C died. I listened to the audio in three or four of those posts, and guess what, I didn’t think it was that good!

A lot of the people coming to DJ AM’s defense were DJs themselves, and I’m sure part of it was that they were self conscious about the fact that DJs don’t do really do anything other than spin other people’s records. ?uestlove posted a lengthy appreciation over at okayplayer, in which he attempted to describe how exactly AM was a good DJ. And DJ Premier, who spoke with DJ AM the night before he beamed up for the very last time, devoted a segment of his show on Sirius to AM in which he said something to the effect of, “DJ AM was a good DJ, goddamnit, and anyone who doesn’t believe it can kiss my black ass!” (You know how vulgar he can be.) Of course, ?uestlove and DJ Premier actually produced great rap albums (upwards of 15 years ago – zing!); DJ AM was primarily known for dating Nicole Richie.

I’m sure there will be a similar confusion they finally find me face down on a bed, in a pair of Dockers with extra wide pleats, next to a bucket of KFC, and I don’t even have one of these blogs where I’m just linking to shit other people wrote and bootlegging people’s music. The natural tendency will be to think that I was just some guy who hated on rappers on the Internets for a living, when the truth of the matter is that… um… well, I might need to holler at ?uestlove to find out where exactly my genius lies. He’s insightful like that. And I happen to know he’s a big fan of my work. His mom once told me so. Then he tried to lie about it afterwards.

He must have been pissed about something I said about the last few Roots albums. But I should probably see about patching things up with him. It’s obvious we share a lot of the same interests in pr0n. No homo. And life is too short not to be on the best of terms with the people who might be able to find something good to say about you when you die. You never know what might happen – especially if you have a lot of unhealthy habits.

  • http://artbeatsandlife.com x-21

    Damn Bol, seems as if DJ AM’s early demise has got you contemplating your own mortality.

  • http://gooddoctorzeus.blogspot.com DocZeus

    Don’t worry, Bol. I’ll be eulogizing the shit out of you if you ever happen to kick the bucket. Your genius is unfuckwitable.

  • OG Matt Herbz

    Yeah, Bol, they gonna find you alright…

    ..Face down, fly unzipped, collar popped, an empty bucket of KFC under your body and 8 whole chicken thighs in your gut, undigested, and one in your mouth that you was still chewing on.

    The coroner’s gonna be like “Who the fuck asks for a bucket of 9 thighs, gotdammit? This dude right here had it coming…”

    R.I.P. Bol

    –OG Matt Herbz–

    • HNIC

      He’s gonna go out like Elvis did?! Damn, Bol. Just remember to flush, before you kick the proverbial bucket, homie.

      Speaking of buckets, avoiding dying like this should be numero uno on your list, in my opinion.

    • Todd Thomas

      Matt Herbz,

      That wasn’t funny pal. You tried to be funny and you failed miserably. Fucking faggot

      • OG Matt Herbz

        Yo, Todd, did you get those panties I sent you, yet? Nah? Well, when you do, put em on under a short skirt and hop on the bus to my crib. I’ll blow your pussy out through the panties, baby.

        –OG Matt Herbz–

  • http://Pierzy11@gmail.com Pierzy

    Bol, do you think it’ll take a “shocking” death for you to finally get on the cover of XXL?

    • big viper

      If Bol has a shocking death, let’s say something like Lupe Fiasco and Joe Budden teaming up to kill him, he’ll definitely be on the cover. That’s a good thing.

      The bad thing: All kinds of idiots would start dick-hopping, like many fans of Tupac.

    • HNIC

      If they put our beloved Guest Blogger on the cover, I think that they’ll put just about anyone on the cover, nowadays. He’ll my retarded gay Uncle (No offense to retarded gay Uncles) could probably get a XXL cover… or a Guest Blog spot, for that matter.

      That dude is ill… litterally.

      • http://www.byroncrawford.com/ Bol

        Wait, your uncle’s both retarded and gay?

        • HNIC

          What’s it to ya?! LOL! Naw, I’m just playin’. Yep… don’t judge me.

      • http://ANORMOUS.com ANORMOUS

        nah you can’t really get a cover unless interscope or island def jam pays for it

  • General

    “And life is too short not to be on the best of terms with the people who might be able to find something good to say about you when you die.”

    Gettin a lil reflective today aren’t we?

    Don’t worry, if you pass I’m sure XXL can have OJ write about blog in honor of you…

  • http://www.cocaineblunts.com noz

    Pimp C wasn’t as good as The Beatles either.

  • capcobra

    vlogs make you immortal.

  • http://daily-math.com/weblog/ Combat Jack

    If you pass, I’ll have some good things to say about you as well homie. Just don’t go out with the chino’s and a bucket B.

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

    The headlines would probably read something like: “Man found dead, police suspect he masturbated to death. A first in American History”.

    Lupe Fiasco will probably walk through your wake, just to make sure you’re dead, & I wouldn’t be surprised if Bun B spit in you face in the casket, in front of all seven people @ the funeral.

    • HNIC

      COOOOOOLLLD BLOOOOOOODED!

    • ROFL

      Bol is a troll.

  • Dr Flav

    I would definitely pour out some Jack Danny for you dude, like I told you before, I used to couldn’t stand your blog, until I finally got it. I did have a problem with the jig and the coon name calling, but I appreciate the fact you truly made a concious effort to let up on it and for that you earn my respect not only for that, but for the great literary talent you have.

    They can call you what they want, but your muthafuckin ass can write and your pen is sharp obviously because they don’t pull them blogs for nothing.

    As far as DJ AM, God rest that man’s soul, he definitely went out weak, but no man is an island and we all fall short.

    • Brownie

      did u 2 meet at kfc for sum romatic candle lit family bucket?

  • Silly Chilly Willy

    All this reputation of self-indulgence in pr0n and stroking the business makes me sad about your situation, Bol. I seriously hope for your sake that you pass away while providing some stank for your hanglow (nullus on the whole comment, btw). Then, when people get this sweet death, one could say he Bol’d away. Now that’s gangsta !!!

  • these posts are racist

    I attempted to post on Juiceman’s blog today, but was not allowed to…so ill try again here, as it is relevant.

    I agree that “DJ’s” including the DJ AM, RIP, don’t really do anything “special” or something that takes objective talent. I also think Juiceman is wack and a horrible rapper, but he is ostensibly making a lot money. So i ask myself: why am i working my life away to pay off mad debt all the while looking over my shoulder for the next lay off?

    Guys like Juiceman took a shot…and made it. So it appears people in life either make it really big and tend to be really talented or do something special that earns them a mass amount of wealth or they’re so stupid that they think spinning records or rapping about nothing will get them rich…and it works.

    While the rest of us take the “right/reasonable” path and end up living like basic schmucks.

    In any event, the power of rationalization and hindsight props is amazing. You can say whatever you want about whomever you want if you dress it up in the right words. DJ Am was a human who died tragically, his addictions were horrible and i feel for him and his family. However, to paint him as a musical genius or even as anything more than a DJ – a person who electronically clicks records on his Mac is just false obituary…

    • HNIC

      “In any event, the power of rationalization and hindsight props is amazing. You can say whatever you want about whomever you want if you dress it up in the right words. DJ Am was a human who died tragically, his addictions were horrible and i feel for him and his family. However, to paint him as a musical genius or even as anything more than a DJ – a person who electronically clicks records on his Mac is just false obituary…

      That paragraph sums up my sentiments, regarding DJ AM, perfectly. Sadly, with the money & resources that he had at his disposal, he could have easily prevented his demise, if he had chosen to. People die everyday from random causes, mostly due to occurances of no fault of their own with little to no recognition, aside from that of their loved ones, if they’re lucky enough to have them.

      So, only out of human decency would I show respect for his passing. Other than that I can’t really say that DJ AM’s passing will directly affect my life or way of living, one way or another. For the rest of us, life goes on… for now, at least.

      • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

        @TPAR & HNIC

        Word. The weirdest thing to me, about his death, is how it exposes the duality of the human experience.

        Here’s a man who literally walked away from an airplane crash that killed two other people. He survived that only by God’s grace, & basically no actions of his own.

        Yet, the thing that compromised his mortality the most was done by his own hands. That says a lot about the frailty of human life.

        He was also working on a reality show to get kids off of drugs. He said it was the “first time he’d held a crack pipe in 10 years” or something. I wonder how the kids who may have been touched by his story feel now that he’s passed away.

        Either way, God bless his family.

        • oskamadison

          Grand$,

          one other thing people may not realize is AM was dealing with a severe case of Survivor’s guilt, something that’s common with some who survive traumatic experiences that others don’t. His final tweet was “New York, New York, big city of dreams but everything in New York ain’t always what it seems”, which for some reason makes me think of Robert Downey, Jr. in “Less Than Zero.” People process traumatic experiences in different ways and this may have caused him to relapse after reportedly being clean for over 11 years.
          His death didn’t really affect me in a Hip-Hop sense like it was, say, DJ Red Alert, or like when Jam Master Jay died.
          It affected me on some human shit like damn, this dude survived a crash to go out like this? Anyway, my condolences to his family and friends.

        • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

          Whatup oska?!

          I read about him feeling real bad about being a survivor. Which, is admittedly odd to me, but I understand. Guilt & depression are silent killers, for real.

          My mom used to babysit kids a few years before she had me. There was a car accident or something while she had one of the kids with her outside. The little girl slipped away & got hit by a car & died. Now, as a man, I can see how she still carries that guilt, & how the shit affected my brother & I growing up. Coincidentally (or not), she was a raging alcoholic a good portion of my life…

          Self medication is really real.

  • fuck bol!

    fuck bol! this guy is fucking retarded he says he loves hip hop then disses Slaughterhouse and now he takes a dig at DJ Premier in a post making light of someones death. And khakis aint hip hop unless i just punched bol in the face and blood from his nose is all over them.

    • Brownie

      Thats because slaughterhouse suck balls. The onlt slaughterhouse member i like is royce n he made the stupid ass decision that he didnt want 2 stay with em. Instead he’s ended up rappin with joe budden, wot a career choice that turned up 2 b

  • BIGNAT

    dj am gets no pity from me at all. you survive a plane crash what a year or 2 ago and you waste your life. you get a second chance to tell everybody you love them again see people you might have been on bad terms with. tell them you sorry try ot patch things up. other people don’t get that chance

  • Jhon da Analyst

    Shit is real………

  • http://www.okayplayer.com Questo

    haaaaaaaaa.
    i was bracing for one of your lyrical floggings and you actually pulled a first…..

    a quasi complement.

    lol you slipping By?

    -akt

  • Dallas Penn

    I thought I was having a heart attack this morning after gorging on 7-11 quarter pounder cheeseburgers last nite at 4am (no DJ AM).

    My first thought was to remove the Buttman mags from bathroom

  • http://danjlovesthe90s.wordpress.com DANJ!

    If Bol dies, he becomes the greatest writer of the 21st Century… at least according to XXL and hip-hop message boards.

    -D!