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The real reason Oprah loves Jay-Z

It didn’t make sense why Oprah would be hanging with Jay-Z in the Marcy Projects to work on a story for O: The Oprah Magazine, or whatever it was they were doing the other day, until I saw a video over on World Star with the headline, “Oprah likes the way Jay-Z smells,” or something along those lines.

The video itself was just audio of Oprah talking to her supposedly hetero life mate Gayle King about her trip to the Marcy Projects. You could tell both of them would like nothing more than to take a ride on the Camel, so to speak. Oprah was going on and on about how charming he was and how good he smelled. And Gayle King, who, according to Oprah, does listen to rap music, albeit primarily for the beat (like most women), was right there with her. I know a few weeks ago, when pictures surfaced of Gayle King and Fiddy Cent hugged up at some event, Fiddy suggested he could have hit that. I thought he was just bullshitting, but I suppose I should know better by now than to doubt Fiddy.

Oprah was saying that she’s hardly ever heard any of Jay-Z’s music, and that it doesn’t interest her. Which makes me wonder why he’s gonna be featured in her magazine. She might be about to throw him under a bus. Or maybe this is something the TIs coordinated to promote the Blueprint 3. You’d think Oprah would be above taking such orders, but she probably isn’t. Remember Chris Rock’s joke about how if Bill Gates woke up with Oprah Winfrey’s money, he’d jump out a window? I doubt Oprah was a very big fan of those Pontiacs she was giving out on her show a few years ago either. I doubt she ever so much as took a ride in one of them.

Because she’s old, and doesn’t have any kids, and she’s been dating a teh ghey guy for 20 years, and she obviously hates men, people think Oprah Winfrey is a lesbian, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she isn’t. She’s probably just traumatized over that guy who supposedly made her smoke crack back in the ’80s – the guy who’s suing her now, because he claims she was the one who made him smoke crack, and he’s about to die of some sort of cancer that was supposedly caused by it. As I learned in the DARE program, when I was in the sixth grade, once you develop a taste for crack, it never goes away. The best you can do is stay as far away from it as possible; and for Oprah, that meant staying away from men.

She’s probably fallen off of the proverbial wagon a few times since then. We just don’t know about it. Remember that time back in ’93, when she got mad skinny all of a sudden? Oprah was looking finer than a motherfucker, relatively speaking. She probably spent that summer on the pipe. Notice how she’s never gotten nearly as skinny since then, even though she’s got the very best chefs and personal trainers money can buy, but she has gotten more and more bitter towards men. 1993 might have been the last time she had a stiff rod up in her. She must have realized that sex with a man stimulates the same part of the brain as crack, and that, if she didn’t want to blow her entire billion dollar fortune over the course of a summer, she’d probably better swear off of both of them.

In that sense, you can see why Oprah would love Jay-Z. In that song he did with Scarface, he rapped about how he can still smell crack in his clothes. Maybe he wasn’t bullshitting. Maybe he really does kinda smell like crack. A young Fiddy Cent once spent time in a court ordered rehab because he got busted with crack on him, and then they found crack in his system. He’s always claimed that he wasn’t smoking up his own product, which would of course violate one of the 10 Crack Commandments. It’s just that he handled so much of it that it penetrated his skin. When I read that, maybe five years ago, I thought he was lying, but I’ve since learned that 50 Cent is hardly ever lying. In fact, it could be that Gayle King is on the pipe, too, and that’s why she was all ready to drop to her knees and start blowing him.

Jay-Z has always said that it’s his goal to become a billionaire. If he drops Beyonce and gets with Oprah, he could actually achieve that goal in one fell swoop, even if he has to pay a substantial sum to Beyonce. Fortunately, I’m pretty Jay-Z has some sort of deal where, if he does drop Beyonce, he just has to give her father one of his planes. He basically bought Beyonce from her father. And those planes are said to be a financial albatross anyway. Jay-Z might want to seriously consider sprinkling some crack on himself and paying a visit to the Harpo studios. Yeah, she’s older than a motherfucker, but so is he. And I wouldn’t be surprised if her ass is hardly any bigger than Beyonce’s.

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