The real reason Oprah loves Jay-Z

It didn’t make sense why Oprah would be hanging with Jay-Z in the Marcy Projects to work on a story for O: The Oprah Magazine, or whatever it was they were doing the other day, until I saw a video over on World Star with the headline, “Oprah likes the way Jay-Z smells,” or something along those lines.

The video itself was just audio of Oprah talking to her supposedly hetero life mate Gayle King about her trip to the Marcy Projects. You could tell both of them would like nothing more than to take a ride on the Camel, so to speak. Oprah was going on and on about how charming he was and how good he smelled. And Gayle King, who, according to Oprah, does listen to rap music, albeit primarily for the beat (like most women), was right there with her. I know a few weeks ago, when pictures surfaced of Gayle King and Fiddy Cent hugged up at some event, Fiddy suggested he could have hit that. I thought he was just bullshitting, but I suppose I should know better by now than to doubt Fiddy.

Oprah was saying that she’s hardly ever heard any of Jay-Z’s music, and that it doesn’t interest her. Which makes me wonder why he’s gonna be featured in her magazine. She might be about to throw him under a bus. Or maybe this is something the TIs coordinated to promote the Blueprint 3. You’d think Oprah would be above taking such orders, but she probably isn’t. Remember Chris Rock’s joke about how if Bill Gates woke up with Oprah Winfrey’s money, he’d jump out a window? I doubt Oprah was a very big fan of those Pontiacs she was giving out on her show a few years ago either. I doubt she ever so much as took a ride in one of them.

Because she’s old, and doesn’t have any kids, and she’s been dating a teh ghey guy for 20 years, and she obviously hates men, people think Oprah Winfrey is a lesbian, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she isn’t. She’s probably just traumatized over that guy who supposedly made her smoke crack back in the ’80s – the guy who’s suing her now, because he claims she was the one who made him smoke crack, and he’s about to die of some sort of cancer that was supposedly caused by it. As I learned in the DARE program, when I was in the sixth grade, once you develop a taste for crack, it never goes away. The best you can do is stay as far away from it as possible; and for Oprah, that meant staying away from men.

She’s probably fallen off of the proverbial wagon a few times since then. We just don’t know about it. Remember that time back in ’93, when she got mad skinny all of a sudden? Oprah was looking finer than a motherfucker, relatively speaking. She probably spent that summer on the pipe. Notice how she’s never gotten nearly as skinny since then, even though she’s got the very best chefs and personal trainers money can buy, but she has gotten more and more bitter towards men. 1993 might have been the last time she had a stiff rod up in her. She must have realized that sex with a man stimulates the same part of the brain as crack, and that, if she didn’t want to blow her entire billion dollar fortune over the course of a summer, she’d probably better swear off of both of them.

In that sense, you can see why Oprah would love Jay-Z. In that song he did with Scarface, he rapped about how he can still smell crack in his clothes. Maybe he wasn’t bullshitting. Maybe he really does kinda smell like crack. A young Fiddy Cent once spent time in a court ordered rehab because he got busted with crack on him, and then they found crack in his system. He’s always claimed that he wasn’t smoking up his own product, which would of course violate one of the 10 Crack Commandments. It’s just that he handled so much of it that it penetrated his skin. When I read that, maybe five years ago, I thought he was lying, but I’ve since learned that 50 Cent is hardly ever lying. In fact, it could be that Gayle King is on the pipe, too, and that’s why she was all ready to drop to her knees and start blowing him.

Jay-Z has always said that it’s his goal to become a billionaire. If he drops Beyonce and gets with Oprah, he could actually achieve that goal in one fell swoop, even if he has to pay a substantial sum to Beyonce. Fortunately, I’m pretty Jay-Z has some sort of deal where, if he does drop Beyonce, he just has to give her father one of his planes. He basically bought Beyonce from her father. And those planes are said to be a financial albatross anyway. Jay-Z might want to seriously consider sprinkling some crack on himself and paying a visit to the Harpo studios. Yeah, she’s older than a motherfucker, but so is he. And I wouldn’t be surprised if her ass is hardly any bigger than Beyonce’s.

  • http://Pierzy11@gmail.com Pierzy

    See, I thought you were going to go with a different angle – Oprah has Gayle King; Jay has Larry Johnson; so it’s natural that they would be friends…like Rosie & Perez Hilton hanging out.

  • Danny Dixon

    but I’ve since learned that 50 Cent is hardly ever lying

    ^^ I’m glad somebody finally noticed. Fiddy is the truth!!!

  • SOUTHSIDE A-TOWN

    “You could tell both of them would like nothing more than to take a ride on the Camel, so to speak.”

    ^^LMAO!

  • http://www.plasticsquirtguns.blogspot.com thoreauly77

    spot-on, perfect logic bol.

    • HNIC

      I agree. Sometimes his theories are a little outlandish & at times ridiculous, but, they’re almost always hilarious, nevertheless… but, with this one, in particular, I’ll be damned if he didn’t make a lot of sense.

      “She’s probably just traumatized over that guy who supposedly made her smoke crack back in the ’80s – the guy who’s suing her now, because he claims she was the one who made him smoke crack, and he’s about to die of some sort of cancer that was supposedly caused by it.”

      This reminded me of the Rick James fiasco that he had, back in the early ’90s, when he & a female companion, allegedly held a woman hostage for a week & “forced” her to smoke crack. Perhaps, Rick & O used to hang out & swap kidnapping stories, while under the influence, at Harpo’s Jook Joint, together? You be the judge.

      Although, it’s my understanding the “Cocaine is a hell of a drug”… so, who is cognizant of their actions, while in a drug induced haze… or 20 years after the fact, for that matter. I call shenanigans.

      “As I learned in the DARE program, when I was in the sixth grade, once you develop a taste for crack, it never goes away. The best you can do is stay as far away from it as possible; and for Oprah, that meant staying away from men.”

      With that statement, I was floored by Bol’s logic. The man makes a strong case. If I ever get caught up in some shit, I’d hire him as my legal advisor, versus being screwed over by a court appointed legal rep. I have a feeling that the odds for my freedom being an option would be far greater.

  • KILLA MANE

    Bryon
    Please step your blog game up.Bitchin and moanin about t.i’s and Jay Z makes it look like someone is jealous.What did Jay Z do to bring the bitch out of you?

    They need to drop your same blog writing ass and let Pierzy or Tony Grand$ or The Commission take your spot.And then you can have more time to stalk your favorite porn stars.

    • NotTheOne002

      STAY OFF THAT CRACK!! and re-read this article. Your the only hater!

  • giantstepp

    We’ll, I’ve come to expect about 5 BS ass drops a month from you Bol and this is the first for August. You better step your BS drops up too because it’s mid August and you’re running out of time.

    This was a totaly waste of space!

  • Enlightened

    You know damn well Oprah would be above taking orders from the muthafuckas. They could end her shit with the snap off they fingers just like they do other people.

    Also, that touching a lot of crack shit and getting it in your system is real – I think. If you hung with niggas who sold dope (or sold it yourself) you knew some niggas who said that happened to them.

    I know a few niggas that came up dirty with coke in they system when they went to the PO. When they told us it was from touchin it, we was thinking “yeah right nigga” but all them niggas can’t be lyin

    • Enlightened

      I mean “wouldn’t be” above taking orders

  • tronthadon

    Lmmao this is tha stupidist shit i read in 6th grade tha only thang u read was a wrapper to ur favorite little debbie snack cakes..but this was a funny post

  • fastflipper

    Bol is the best

    hes the reason why i check XXl web site

  • render

    you can’t permanently smell like coke out your pores from touching on it. the fuck kind of logic is that?

    cooking/smoking that shit will smell your base up and get into your clothes and hair…just like hiding an oz of weed in your closet will have your gear smelling…I doubt jays been cooking up or keeping shit in his Manhattan loft(if ever)

    not that I ever did any of that shit myself…just word on good authority

  • Jericho

    That whole last paragraph was fuckin hilarious!

    It’s clear to me Oprah and Gayle must be on the DL. Look at the shit Oprah’s given her over the years….the talk show, jewels, money. What has she ever done for Stedman? Eh?
    If that’s not dodgy, peep what Gayle’s said about Oprah…”I have to admit, if Oprah were a man, I would marry her.”

    Maybe Oprah’s after Beyonce. We know Jay’s not hitting that and Oprah’s probably tired of Gayle by now. So she gets Beyonce and Jay gets Stedman…score.

  • Silly Willy

    LMAO at this whole drop !!! Classic Bol! This made my day!!!

    But seriously Bol, you have to be on crack to have such an imagination….

    Keep up the good work !or keep hitting the pipe for that matter

  • Lloyd sedio

    I am tryin to imagine it, living a sexy,young n rich women for an eleven toes,fifty something year old bitch, lol

  • Occasional Comenteer

    Jay-Z might want to seriously consider sprinkling some crack on himself and pay a visit to the Harpo studios

    ^^^^^^^^^^^

    Hilarity!!!

  • Fat Jack

    I heard that Oprah actually has a daughter! supposedly form be a rape victim. or i could be confusing her with Erica Kane. But she does have a daughter and was a one point raped as a kid! As for the crack thing, I just think Jay had some hella cologne on that day. As for 50 and GK. 50 likes to exaggerate some. Besides Galye probably wanted something young and stiff up in cougar town! if you understand me. I don’t think oprah hates men. As for Stedman, he was there when she wasnt a billionare so why drop him now. Steady love and he has his own money from the book lecture circuit. he ant there for the cheese so she keeps him as a pet. I am sure Oprah and Gayle rock out on some young stuff on occasion.

  • shawnb

    am i the only one who is never able to make it passed dis niggas first paragraph…i mean doesnt anybody else notice that the subject that he presents in the first couple of lines is totally lost after a few more lines….i used to fuk wit dis guy becuz he hated on everyone and didnt sugar coat shit….now hes just pointing out shit that only a cracked up conspiracy theorists would examine…and isnt that the purpose of blogging anyway(to hate)…bol u have offically been kicked outta the HATERS CLUB…Ron Mexico for president(pierzy for vp anyone?)

    • Capital G

      Pierzy ain’t really a hater, the kid just speaks the truth (eloquently at that) and Mex calls bullshit on bullshit, hence… he’s the author of the Negro Please section. Bol still hates like a muthafucka when necessary though.

      • http://Pierzy11@gmail.com Pierzy

        Good lookin’ out. I really try to not be a ‘hater’ just to stir up peoples’ emotions. I may not like some artists/songs/trends that are popular, but that’s just my opinion. I have never deliberately disliked something just to go against the grain.

  • Silly Willy

    Bol is like the Stephen Colbert of this blogging ish !!!

    • shawnb

      why becuz hes completely irrational and thinks highly of hisself…yea ur dead on

    • shawnb

      why becuz hes completely irrational and thinks highly of himself….yeah ur dead on

  • OG Matt Herbz

    “Oprah was looking finer than a motherfucker, relatively speaking”

    Fuck an epic, that was a Pangaea Fail

    Jesus, Bol. Are YOU on crack? Relative to what? Ru-Paul? Rosie O’Donnell?

    –OG Matt Herbz–

  • http://whowalkinbrooklyn.com Willis Still Sunsweet, WWIB

    Great goddamn drop Bol, love the flow (ll), we can AKA this “Ether II” and not be too far off, tho’ that does suggest all those dogshit Jay-Z “sequels”: when are we getting “In My Lifetime 4.2″ I wonder?

  • HNIC

    All I know is, for a few milli, I would gladly give Oprah the business… repeatedly… as if my name was Dr. Phil & my life depended on it. Considering that our country is currently in dire financial straights, with us being in a recession & all, my life just might be dependant upon it. Think about it…

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

    I can’t look @ Oprah without getting “The Color Purple” flashbacks. Not saying she couldn’t get tallywhacked, but, we’d have to bump uglies on a stack of money or something. Just so I don’t lose track of what’s really important.

    Now, she’ll probably start giving away Jay-Z cd’s in addition to robot babies & submarines to the audience.

    I would’ve much rather her interview Chris Brown, maybe walk with him through a shelter for battered women. Or visit TI in prison. Jigga’s not all that interesting anymore.

  • Pana

    Oprah did get pregnant as a teenager but it was because she was hot in the ass! Not because of rape. And she lost the baby which happened to be a girl. Don’t ask me how I know all this shit! Lol!

  • $ykotic/Don McCaine

    UM. Yeah. OK.

    Fukk ‘em both. I know they walked through my old neighborhood and saw all the potential that they would NEVER INVEST IN.

    Word to DP, “FUKK YO MEETING”.

  • babyjay

    always the best on the net. this guy is hilarious. and for all those that think its so serious. get a life its only humor and entertainment.

  • Master CHeef

    wasn’t oprah that same bitch that was beefing with ti and luda? i think maybe for using the words:”niggas, bitches, and hoes”

    and, yeah, fiddy aint never lied.

  • http://YOUTUBE.COM/THELUPEND THELUPEND

    Yes,I could see Jay Together with Oprah. Did You know He’s Just 15 years younger than Oprah.And Bey is 13 years younger than Jay

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  • LadySpringBunny

    Oprah really has me scratching my head. Maybe she is planning to throw him under the bus, thats why Jay did an article verses appearing on the show. Hes gotta answer to all the derogatory music he has put into the world for the youths to hear. I hope she really made a good use of the interview and not allow him to use her to promote his products.(which she already has talking about how good he smells).Dont let us (women) down Oprah

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