Only Built 4 CunniLingus Niggaz

If this were an episode of The Wire, our opening quote after “Way Down in the Hole” would have to be the following:

“My mouth too small to suck a dick.” -Raekwon

Raekwon has confused the fuck out of me many a day. I still don’t know what immobilarity is. I’m aware that it’s simultaneously the most ridiculous acronym ever conceived in a dust cloud and the most disappointing thing I’d heard since Senor Mexico never came home from the store back in ’86–but aside from that I gots nothin’.

On Angela Yee’s Shade 45 radio show, our great immobilarilator and The Wire’s Felicia “Snewp” Pearson—who is a lesbian, mind you—spoke on homosexual mens in the rapster industry.

[Blogger’s Note: Sometimes Snoop just looks like a troubled 14-year-old boy. Strangely, she also swears off gay people like one.]

While discussing the prevalence of “Homies Over Hoes” in hip-hop, Raekwon provides the startling revelation above to explain why he couldn’t possibly be a successful homoseminal.

Alas! His mouth is too small to suck a dick.

I mean, I’m sure great jaw-opening range is part of the criteria for admission into the ultra-selective League of Extraordinary Homosexuals, but a tiny oral orifice couldn’t stop The Chef from cooking up some delicious cucumber salad as a regular-ass gay dude if his heart so desired.

Fuck what those mean boys in the leotards told him!

Raekwon’s deduction leads me to wonder how much research he’s done on the matter. He’s at least given it some serious thought. Perhaps some discussion with a real live card-carrying member of the LEH could have pointed our C.R.E.A.M.y friend in the right direction.

Raekwon: Peace, God.

Felicia “Snoop” Pearson: Yeooo.

Raekwon: Ayo, God. I was just wondering. *looking at shoes* Do you think I could be gay with this pretty little mouth?

Snoop: *confused* Nigga. Fuck yew tawkin’ bout?

Raekwon: Nah. Hear me out, God. Cuz I was thinking about it and I was like, boom. Maybe if my mouth wasn’t so little, I might could fit a little something up in there.

Snoop: Say no mo’, my nigga. Next time that thang don’t fit yew need to dip that shit in a pitcher of ice water. Make the whole thang shrink up and shit.

Raekwon: Oh, shit! The treasure in the glaciers of ice and shit. Say word.

Snoop: That’s for real. Or, you got a shew-hawn around the house?

Raekwon: *astonished* Pssssshhh! Do I got a fuckin shoehorn? You know how many Wallys I got?

Snoop: Yeah. Next time put that shit on ya bottom teef. Try’n slide it in.

Raekwon: All I need is a shoehorn? You sure I don’t need no… like a more emobilaborate setup or something?

Snoop: Man, shit. I done seen a tiny-ass 7-inch round head shew-hawn drop a nigga plenny of days, man. Mawfuckas get up, he like a pimp or whip yo’ ass up. Big joints, though? Big joints break a nigga jawbone. Yew just say, “Fuck it.”

Raekwon: Damn. I don’t be knowin’ what the fuck you be talkin ‘bout, God.

Snoop: Whatever, nigga. It’s also lew-brickince and shit yew gotta yewse.

Raekwon: Lubricant? You mean like Vaseline and shit? That shit’s for faggits.

Snoop: Naw. Yew gotta get that Astroglide or sum’n. If yew gotcha paper right, fuck with that Ewberlewbe. Ole Hollywood-lookin nigga told me it was the Pink Cadillac of lewbe. Nigga meant a Lexus, but he ain’t knew better.

Raekwon: *rubbing lips in thought* Yeah.

Snoop: Yew gone need to send one of yo’ girl relatives tew one of them sex toy store in the village so don’t nobody see yew down there though.

Raekwon: *slightly confused, but content* Knowledge, God!

Questions? Comments? Requests? You know how to love me. ron@ronmexicocity.com

[Blogger's Note: I would pay money to hear Snoop say "Uberlube"]

  • Pana

    Pierzy?!?! Lmao Ron! Rae gonna kick your ass for this shit!

  • geico lizard

    i saw the quote under the video about mouth being too small and i thought snoop said that. why would any man say that shit. joe budden just got some new material for a diss song.

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

    “Emobilaborate….”

    *runs towards window, turns & comes back*

    You know cats are always suspect when they give reasons why they can’t do something, instead of just denouncing it altogether.

    That would’ve been a prime time to say, “I gets too much pussy to be gay!” or the ever-famous, “fuck I look like? Hell nah!”, versus scientific theories as to why it wouldn’t work.

    Maybe Joe can beat him up. Anyway…..

    “Emobilaborate….”

    *jumps out the window*

  • The Southern Comfort

    how can someone work in the most homophobic genre of music as long as rae has and still say shit like this.
    amazing transcript though Mex, that was snoop exactly!

    • Silly Willy

      It’s not unheard of for big names to be talkin weird gay shit……..

      “Gap teeth in ya mouth so my dick’s gots to fit…” WTF???

      But Ron’s rendition is the best thing to ever come out of this. Emobilaborate…….

      “Fuck what those mean boys in the leotards told him!” Knowledge God. Julio Iglesias,…makin cream like that nigga…whatever kind of cream that seems to be

      • Enlightened

        “With my nuts on your tonsils”
        “I’ma snatch yo ass from the backside”

        I was listening to “Dre Day” about 4 days ago and was like “damn, these niggas said a whole bunch of gay-sounding ass lines in there – it’s about 7 or 8 more in that one song

        It was another time period though and niggas was on that shit
        (DJ Quik to MC Eiht: I never had my dick sucked by a man befo’/but you gon’ be the first you little trick ass ho)

        That was a style of dissin but it sounds funny as a muthafucka to listen to it now

  • KQ

    People are forgetting that Rae said “I gotta keep it real…I can’t fucking stand homos.”

  • Gloveson

    When they get pulled over, and Bunk says he’s lookin for pussy and Snoop says ‘Meee Tew’…..who would’ve guessed she was a lesbo!! (lol)

    and that shit bout her lookin like a 14yr old boy…..man i swear when i first seen her on The Wire i thought she was…..then later on Chris said ‘Girl you crazy’……i was like ‘Thats A Bitch!!!??’

    • Enlightened

      I was just about to say that.

      That’s probably my favorite one line in “The Wire” history – “Yaaaaah, me tew”

      classic

      • Lowedwn

        co-sign that one all day, along with the classic line from Bunk “Jimmy…you know what plural for pussy is???….Pussi!!!”

        • Jack Tripper

          “…the classic line from Bunk “Jimmy…you know what plural for pussy is???….Pussi!!!””

          LMAO! I remember that episode. Thanks for bringing that up. I’mm have to use that shit. Pussi. LOL!

  • http://www.jamal7mile.blogspot.com Jamal7Mile

    What the Hell, Rae!? Your mouth is too small? It’s them drugs again, man. You gonna fuck around and be the next Big Lurch.

    • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

      @J7.

      He went from not sucking [||] to eating niggas whole (no ass).

      Damn, Rae. Pearl Assbeads>>Cuban Linx?

  • Monty B.

    Your blogs get less funny one after another.

    Shit is weak.

    • http://dronkmunk.com dronkmunk

      Awww, hitting a little too close to home, was it?

      • Monty B.

        Awww, sucking on the XXL bloggers dick, are you?

        • Detroit P

          @drunkmonk

          lol…the percentage of niggas that don’t dickride on this site is waaay lower than the percentage that do, check ya’self what percentage are you?

        • http://dronkmunk.com dronkmunk

          Actually, I haven’t laughed at a XXL blog in a loooong time until this one. So I don’t get the hate, but it’s all good.

  • vhingrhamesonyo’momma

    you a comedic genius nigga! my god…i wanted to add a some extra satire to it but why fuck the kool-aid up? Rae need to get it together tho’, fuck you mean yo mouth to small? what’s he really tryna’ imply? and when the fuck have you ever seen a female wu-tang member? You know Meth and Rza be off in gay bars and shit, what’s goin’ down (besides the men) in Shaolin?

    • latino heat

      @ Vhing…

      actually there was a female Wu Tang group. they were called The Deadly Venoms. they were 4 UGLY ass bitches and there carrer went nowhere but they were Wu affiliated.

    • DetroitDraper

      Hey Rhames are you joking or is that a true story?

      MAYN HOL’UP

  • SOUTHSIDE A-TOWN

    SMH. i watched that interview yesterday, niggaz think before you say some stupid/mad gay shit. ON AIR!!!

  • capcobra

    astroglide lew-brickince…lol..you crazy champ.

  • http://www.YouTube.com/4ThaLuvTube L-Y, NawfWestSide

    Damn, sad b.u.t. tru Mex. Rae threw me all the way the fuc off with that comment, and i got so disguisted with the interview, as a whole, i couldn’t stomach to watch the whole thing. Snewp wuz throwin’ me off, with the whole hypocritical shyt, smh, smh.

  • Jericho

    Raekwon’s deduction leads me to wonder how much research he’s done on the matter.

    ^^^

    Roffle.

  • giantstepp

    If Rae still had a career this would be really, really bad for the dude. The gay community would be all over his ass (no homo) for saying that shit and he would apologizing ASAP! But since he hasnt one in years, nobody cares.

    • Silly Willy

      I wouldn’t say he didn’t have a career. But truth be told, he ain’t got the star power of a Meth or a Ghost. More than homophobia, Rae’s comment reeks of niggorance. So basically, along with Kan- I mean gay dudes, the NAACP could also have a field day off this…..Sad, really…..

  • http://www.myspace.com/atlatino404 El Tico Loco

    Kim Eternity has a little mouth and so does Roxy Reynolds and Pinky.

  • Silly Willy

    “Alas! His mouth is too small to suck a dick.”
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    Come on, Ron!

    When an alleged walking dicksucking lips got BigBooty and RiRi on smash, you can see how RaeRae could feel self-conscious. Maybe if it was not that small he could at least have kissed a man and get Nivea or Laur….wait a minute………..

  • Around and Around

    A shoehorn!!!! Fuck that killed me.

    —-
    Side note best snoop moment….

    “Man, shit. I seen a tiny-ass .22 round-nose drop a nigger plenty of days, man. Motherfuckers get up in you like a pinball, rip your ass up. Big joints, though… Big joints, man, just break your bones, you say, “fuck it.” I’m gonna go with this right here, man. How much do I owe you?”

    • Jamal7Mile

      HA! Did you see the look on the salesman’s face??? Priceless! I think I’m about to pull out those Wire dvd’s tonight. Classic series!!

      • Gloveson

        Salesman: “But this is $800″
        Snoop: “Shit, man you earned that like a mu’fucker”

  • Y.O.

    Say no mo’, my nigga. Next time that thang don’t fit yew need to dip that shit in a pitcher of ice water. Make the whole thang shrink up and shit.

    lmaoooo oh man ron your a fool for this one. almost cried my ass off at work b

    good lookin out. keep them shits coming my nigga

  • http://xxl gside

    How snoop know about sucking dick ? You might get some pussy eaten pointers from her but that’s it .

  • http://myspace.com/federalranga Federal Ranga

    Ok… I’m maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad lost on this one… why, Ron, why?

    youtube.com/federalranga E6 up.

  • http://www.myspace.com/emcdlthemusicprofile EmCDL

    Man Ron you a fool for that one! You and them damn scripts you be writing! LMAO!!!

  • eddiesixes

    you could always tell which actors were actually from bodymore on the wire cause they’d be droppin the “ewwws”…seem like you gotta conciously try to talk like that hahaha

  • Lowedwn

    Man, how am I suppose to work for the rest of the day when I start of reading this shit…too damn funny.

    Damn Mexx…you gone have Rae coming at you like Trick, Trick lol.

  • Mutada/Mullah Atari

    Damn niggaz calling the West out on the suspect lines but what the East? lol

    “She looks so good I would suck her daddys dick”

    “I’ll fuck Rupaul before I fuck them ugly ass Xscape bitches”

    Don’t they know my nigga Gutta fuckin’ kidnap fuck um in the ass throw um over the bridge”

    ^^^Biggie

    • Silly Willy

      Haha!!!

      It’s all good Mutada. Didn’t mean to shoot the West like that. Matter of fact, and I don’t say this only to spare your feelings, but the gayest shit has to be Method Man’s rant before M.E.T.H.O.D.Man

      “I’ll fuckin…I’ll fuckin tie you to a fuckin bedpost with your ass cheeks spread out and shit,right? Put a hanger on a fuckin stove and let that shit sit there for like a half hour. Take it off and stick it in your ass slow like
      Tssssssss…..”

      “I’ll fuckin…I’ll fuckin…sew your asshole closed, and keep feedin you and feedin you, and feedin you, and feedin you…..”

  • $ykotic/Don McCaine

    Word is bond, my chick & I watched that vid last night.

    I bet her a 5th of Henn that you would drop first. She said Bol.

    My winnings are on the way. Good looking Mexx.

    Rae WTF lord???

  • $ykotic/Don McCaine

    BTW did you know Micheal Vick’s AKA is:

    RON MEXICO?

    • Jamal7Mile

      $yk, whutupdoe?

      I remember Mike Vick being stopped at the airport or something and using Ron Mexico as an alias. I think he had a gun or weed on him that he forgot about and he lied about his name in order to get out of trouble.

      I might be all over the place with the facts but I think you can Google/Bing that story.

      • $ykotic/Don McCaine

        Naw you’re right J7.

        CNN dropped that info again. They’re talking about the dog jerseys. Can’t have Vick or Ron Mexico on them.

        Foolish & inane propaganda once again. But our dude Mexx could never get a football jersey though…

  • Beast McCoy

    All I have to say is 4 words …. League of Extraordinary Homosexuals. LOL.

  • 1hunid

    {Blogger’s Note: I would pay money to hear Snoop say “Uberlube”}

    STITCHES!!!!

  • latino heat

    and now, the gayest line in rap history…

    “you might got more cash then me, but you ain’t got the skills to eat a niggas ass like me.” Canibus, 2nd Round K.O.

    WTF! even back in 1998 that line didn’t sound right.

  • Brooklyn

    that whole shit was hilarious, especially the fucking dialogue. but mad rappers do spit some suspect lines, i guess with the intent of throwing doubt on their adversaries’ sexuality, but compromising their own in the process.

  • Estrella

    wow…

  • render

    no hate but dmx drops so many suspect lines and goes out his way to talk bout gay folks that i think that this nigga was fuckin booty pirates in jail and is all emotionally conflicted bout it now

    “All your mans up in the jail before sucked my dick”

    “you hold my dick while he suckin it”

    “beat my dick and bust off in ya eye so you can see me comin”
    etc etc

    you could write a whole 16 with this shit

  • Pingback: Twitter Trackbacks for XXLmag.com - » Only Built 4 CunniLingus Niggaz [xxlmag.com] on Topsy.com

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

    “livewire niggas, they behind me in the rear”-Prodigy

    “Yayo bring the condoms, I’m in room 203″-50 Cent

    “holdin my shaft, Im’a bad motha, you betta watch yo ass”-Big Pooh

    “SUCK it Marshall…”-Dr. Dre

    “Niggas wanna come on my face”-Phonte

    Freeway has a song called “Nuttin’ On Me”

    • Gloveson

      “Now i’m blowin guido in Beverly Hills” -Tony Yayo

  • MiddleWest

    WOW! Just WOW!

  • BIGNAT

    Raekwon: Oh, shit! The treasure in the glaciers of ice and shit. Say word.

    ron ron oh man LMAO

  • malik

    hilarious blog right here,the conversation with snoop sheeeeeeeet! but i can’t help but feel that its hugely disrespectful to rae, now if biggie had spat that line back in 95, u guys would’ve proclaimed how dope it was (or not, depending on how deep ya mind is), if u stop dissing rae and ponder 4 a while on that line like intelligent people,u’d recognise how ill it is.

  • chillin mayne

    malik quit playin son…aint nothin ill about it

  • DownSouth

    Dang, I never really thought about how many gay lines were in rap. Off the top, I’m thinkin bout:

    Prodigy – “How does it feel to hold my d*** in public”

    Canibus – “But you aint got the skillz to eat a niggaz a** like me”

    Cats do need to think before they speak. I’m still gonna get that OBFCL2

    DOWN SOUTH!!!