Gremlins can not hold they smoke

Lil Wayne must be in bad shape, if his doctor wouldn't let him play either of his shows in Canada this week.

The last thing these TIs want to do is cancel a show, especially now that no one is buying CDs anymore. A few weeks ago, when the Beastie Boys pulled out of Lollapalooza and were replaced by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, who aren't any more popular now than they were a few years ago, when I saw them play a set at 3:00 in the afternoon, Perry Farrell was very clear that no one could have their money back. The way these festivals work is that they put all of the best acts on Friday and Sunday, to sucker you into buying a three day pass. The Beastie Boys would have been one of the headliners Saturday. I ended up seeing Tool instead, but, if I could have gotten my money back, I definitely would have considered banging a hoo-er in my hotel room. TPAR and I could have tag teamed her.

That time I had tickets to see the Wu-Tang Clan and Rage Against the Machine, when I was 16, and the Wu couldn't make it, you could either stay for just Rage, or get your $15 back. My little brother and my neighbor talked me into getting my $15 back and dropping them off at a country line dancing-bar that had a teen night. No bullshit. Then I went and had dinner by myself at a Burger King, like Paul Giamatti in the movie Sideways. If only I'd been old enough to bring a good bottle of wine. (And you thought growing up in the lap of upper middle class comfort was all fun and games.)

Young Jeezy, Soulja Boy, Pleasure P, and Jeremih were all opening for Lil Wayne. (I can only imagine the cognitive dissonance experienced by people committed to pretending as if Young Jeezy isn't music that's only suitable for,,, you know, people who listen to Soulja Boy, Pleasure P, and Jeremih. No shots at this month's issue of the dead tree version of XXL.) The fact that allowing people to just watch those four clowns wasn't even an option, let alone the fact that all four of them were opening for Lil Wayne in the first place, just goes to show how utterly significant they all are.

What's the matter with Lil Wayne anyway? The news item on this site, which is all I bothered to read before I wrote this post, says his doctor ordered him to rest. Which begs the question: How come he couldn't just rest the 23 hours a day he's not on stage? Was it the drugs? I couldn't even afford to do as many drugs as Lil Wayne if I wanted to, but suffice it to say I've made a number of bad decisions (what, you thought I was here for my love of rap music?), and I've never been completely out of commission for more than like, 8 hours. I may not have been at the top of my game, but I could get up and go to work. One time, back in 2004, I even had to be dropped off at work. I told my boss something was wrong with my car, then I proceeded to drink a shedload of coffee. I was fine!

Even if I wasn't, I would have only been out about $40, maybe even less. I was making so little money, I actually got a raise when the minimum wage went up. It was fucking sweet. Lil Wayne, on the other hand, must have fucked up untold thousands of dollars by not being able to play those shows. I doubt he could give a rat's ass about the money, but it just goes to show how ate up he is these days. I called it the other day, when the summer had more or less come to a close without a new album from him. Lil Wayne is obviously well on his way to being the next Sly Stone. He was famous for not showing up to concerts, right? And now look at him. I read the other day that he lives in a trailer somewhere out in California and collects Social Security. It might not even be a double wide.