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The little homey’s big idea

Props to Nas for sending Kelis a shedload of gift cards.

I was checking RapPravda just now, and I see they’ve turned up a document of Kelis complaining that all she’s received from Nas since they divorced, three months ago, was a check for $350 and $2,500 in gift cards.

It looks similar to those documents Vibe posted on their website, back when they were trying to hype up their knock off version of Hip Hop Weekly. You’ll recall that the first and only issue of it had Nas and Kelis on the cover. I wonder if they were planning on using these new documents in a subsequent issue, before one of the white guys in charge had the sense to pull the plug.

As a matter of fact, I might need to holler at the TIs at Vibe about a possible fire sale of sorts. If they’ve got any naked pictures of Ciara laying around, I’d be willing to take them off of their hands for $20. $30, if it’s a naked white chick. Otherwise, the shit’s probably just gonna end up on RapPravda. Isn’t that why they had security in the building the day they went out of business? But the people in charge there must have known it was only a matter of time.

Anyway, it’s good to see Nas is playing hardball with this hoo-er. You know good and well she probably makes enough money to where she doesn’t really need anything from Nas other than his half of what it costs to clothe and feed their baby. I’ve she’s still big in Europe. Like Michael Jackson.

And I’ve worked in places that cater primarily to poor people giving children a miserable upbringing, so I know it doesn’t cost shit to feed and clothe a child. There’s this place called Birthright where you can go and pretend as if you’re considering having an abortion, and they’ll give you money to buy a buncha baby shit.

Then, if you go to K-Mart, they’ve got a crib that’s specially priced to where it comes out to $100 even with tax, which is how much they give you for a crib. In other words, K-Mart is purposely helping flood America’s ghettos with unwanted future criminals. I wonder if the people who run K-Mart are pro-lifers or is there something even more sinister at play.

(Alright, you got me. There’s nothing more sinister than a pro-lifer.)

I even thought about doing something about it a couple of years ago, but then it occurred to me: If I somehow got a broad pregnant and decided not to have it done away with it, I’d pretty much have to make her go and get some money from pro-lifers on GP. I might even qualify for some free baby shit anyway, from working for a rap magazine.

No but really, I’m assuming this is Nas’ thought process, except he lacks my knowledge of low-end retail. I was forced to sign a paper stating I wouldn’t give out any legal advice on this site. But if he hits me on my email, which everyone in the rap music biz apparently has anyway, I’d be happy to throw out some hypothetical scenarios.

I’d say he’s already on the right track, with these gift cards. It’s not like Kelis can claim he hasn’t done anything for her. The baby hasn’t even been born yet. What the fuck does she need with damn near $3,000? Even if you aren’t going with the welfare model, which is probably one of those ones that will strangle a baby, a crib can’t cost more than a few hundred bucks. Hopefully, the $2,500 in gift cards came from places where Kelis can’t get anything for herself, like Babies R Us.

Pretty soon Nas is gonna have to go to court, to decide what he should have to pay Kelis in alimony and child support, if anything. I’d suggest he have his lawyer draw up a plan where damn near the entirety of what he pays in child support is in the form of gift cards to places that sell baby clothes. Even if the judge doesn’t go for it, since something tells me someone already thought of this a long time ago, it would be a good jumping off point for negotiations.

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