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How Eminem bagged Mariah Carey

It didn’t occur to me, until I heard “Warning,” that Eminem probably took advantage of Mariah Carey. I don’t mean to suggest that he did anything you can go to jail for, but he probably got with her at a time when she was kinda batshit and didn’t realize what she was doing.

You guys know I’m always interested in finding ways that a woman can be broken down psychology, so I can make sweet, passionate love to her, and how to identify women who have been pre-weakened, for my viewing pleasure. It’s one of those things you have to focus on when you don’t have a whole lot to offer a woman otherwise.

There was a time, seven or eight years ago, when probably any ol’ douche could have taken advantage of Mariah Carey. She had gone completely out of her mind. I saw the whole thing unfold in more or less real time, because I didn’t have anything else better to do than watch a shedload of MTV. If I had the eye of the proverbial tiger, maybe I would have flown to New York and put my bid in.

Who else remembers that special Mariah Carey episode of Cribs? Don’t lie. In the time before a lot of people were using DVRs, I’m sure at least a few of you pervs called off from work that evening and rubbed one out to it. She was walking around in lingerie the entire time, and her cans never looked bigger. There was a part where it looked like it was about to get really hot, and then it just got kinda weird. She ran some water in this hot tub, and it looked like she was about to strip down and hop in, like many a woman has in my dreams, but then she dropped her cat in there. I was like, “Holy shit, she’s about to drown that cat!” I’m surprised they even showed that shit on MTV. There must not be a lot of straight guys who work for PETA.

I could be getting the time line all fucked the fuck up. This was a long time ago, and I’ve had my share of the Great American Lager since then. But it seemed like the next was that day she was handing out ice cream, again undressed to the point where you couldn’t help but get the poison out. It was obvious MTV had no idea what she was doing, or what she might do. She looked like she may have been high as shit, but I’ve been around a number of women with drug problems (again, a brother’s gotta do what a brother’s gotta do), and none of them stripped down to their underwear and fed me ice cream. If so, I’d be down in the ghetto right now trying to buy some drug, for some of the young ladies I work with.

It turns out she was probably just distraught over the fact that her movie Glitter failed miserably at the box office, and her cat did end up drowning. I remember hearing that shit on the radio, on one of these morning zoo programs, and thinking to myself, “Oh shit, she really did end up drowning that cat!” They were reading from a message she posted on her website announcing that she was going to rehab, or taking some time off anyway. Of course she tried to make it sound as if the cat somehow accidentally drowned. I’m surprised no one else put one and two together. This was a while still before I started blogging, or I would have had to put that story out there.

That must have been when Eminem stepped in. A strategic player such as myself would have shown up with a new cat. But Eminem’s famous. Probably all he had to do was show up and fuck. What’s fascinating to me is not so much the fact that Eminem hit it – I’m sure any number of people had that in between him and Nick Cannon – but the fact that he’s obviously obsessed with her. You know he’s got a thing for crazy white chicks who think they’re black. Lil Showstoppa might need to holler, once she reaches the age of majority. Otherwise, why even bother making an entire song about it, several years after the fact? I could see wanting the world to know you knocked down a famous woman, but Eminem is taking this way further than bragging about his accomplishment.

And we should be glad that he is. Em claims to be pissed that Mariah and Nick Cannon are talking shit about him, and that he might have to release some damning evidence if they don’t stop, but something tells me not gonna be completely satisfied until he gets another shot with Mariah. Let’s we forget, he made all of those songs about killing his baby’s mother, and she actually got back with him. A pattern of that kind of behavior has been established in Eminem’s mind. This is almost certainly not the last we’ve heard of his “beef” with Mariah Carey.

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