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An idea for the next Nas album

Nas is gonna have to make an album about the fact that he got pwned by Kelis, right?

He’s gonna have to get back to work anyway, in order to come up with the $55,000 a month he’s been ordered to pay her. As much money as that is, it must be based on the idea that he’ll continue to put out an album every other year or so, for the next 18 years.

One of the perks of not having any kids or anything is that you don’t have to be particularly ambitious. If I ever somehow manage to make $1 million in a year, I might just retire. At my current rate of spending, that would probably last me longer than I’m gonna live anyway. Even if I upgrade to a better quality beer, I could probably squeeze a good 30 years out of it.

Nas probably should have had his lawyer explain to the judge that he’s already had a longer career than anyone can reasonably expect to have in hip-hop. Plenty of people have been around for 15 years now, but how many of them are still relevant? In order to keep Knight Rider Jones in earrings made from the diamonds pulled from the base of the spine of an African baby, or whatever Kelis will be buying with that 55k a month, Nas will have to put out albums until he’s at least 54. I can’t even think of an example of an MC who’s 54. Ice T isn’t even 54.

The fact that Nas got effed in the A so hard was fascinating to me, in that it may have shed some light on the inner workings over at the Def Jam building. Could it be that Nas makes way more than the rest of the clowns on Def Jam, because he hardly spends any money at all producing his albums? Fabolous, to use an example, probably spent his wad on whatever Def Jam was paying people to mention Loso’s Way on Twitter yesterday, not to mention whatever it cost to get all of those R&B singers on his album.

Nas, at least for his past couple of albums, i.e. the ones he put out on Def Jam, managed to get people talking about them on the basis of their gimmicky titles alone. Def Jam may not have actually spent very much money promoting them. They definitely weren’t about to spend any money advertising an album called the dreaded n-word. An album that didn’t even have a title may have been even worse. And I can’t imagine they paid the bums who produced those shit sandwiches very much money.

But that was back before Nas had such a huge monthly nut. No Boutros. He was the rap equivalent of a professional blogger – he could live on less money than most people, if he had to. It’ll be interesting to see what he does now that he doesn’t have that as an option. Is he gonna try to hit the big time? If he can come up with an album that sells as well as a Lil Wayne album, maybe he won’t have to tighten his belt quite as much. Lest we forget, this is the guy who once made songs like “You Owe Me.” I wouldn’t put it past him to sink that low again.

What he should do is make an entire album going at Kelis. He can come up with a catchy title for it, like his last couple of albums. If I think of one, I’ll try to email his people, or I’ll post it here, where he might see it. If you have any ideas, feel free to post them in the comments section. I’m thinking something along the lines of Filthy Hoo-er. But he might be able to come up with something even better. This is, after all, the guy who came up with the idea of calling his album the dreaded n-word.

I’d say the commercial prospects of Filthy Hoo-er should be about as good as if he made an uber cynical attempt at getting back on the radio, like Jay-Z would. Kids these days could give a rat’s ass about guys like Nas and Jay-Z, even if they’ve got a song with Rihanna. Nas would be better off trying to capitalize on the good will generated by him getting raped in family court. We all feel bad about what happened to him. Now we’re just waiting to she he’s gonna respond.

Don’t let us down, little homey. Ether that slore.

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