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You gonna get raped

Confession time: It hadn’t occurred to me, until I saw the headline of the story about the latest in the Nas and Kelis divorce proceedings on MTV News, that Nas leaving Kelis while she was pregnant was such a big deal. Maybe it’s because I’m a guy, and I’m not particularly sensitive to women’s feelings.

Yeah, the two of them broke up, and yeah, she happened to be pregnant at the time. Big fucking deal. The way I’ve seen it presented on MTV and some of these other sites, it’s as if that constituted some sort of attack on a pregnant woman. And I wouldn’t be surprised if Kelis was behind this. Her people probably insisted the media phrase it that way, in order to win over the court of public opinion.

Again, you have to kinda worry about Nas. As I pointed out a few weeks ago, when Kelis sued him for divorce in the state of California, where a woman has been known to take the shirt off a nigga’s back, it looks like Kelis is gunning for his wallet, big time. Since my last post, about what might have gone wrong in their marriage, I’ve seen her talking about how he abandoned her, how much money she has, how she can’t even afford to buy the baby a crib, and even suggest Nas might be on the DL. Meanwhile, I haven’t heard so much as a peep from Nas. I don’t know if it’s because he smokes too much weed, or if his handlers just aren’t as media savvy, or what.

Keep in mind, it could be that his Jewish lawyer told him to keep quiet. I don’t really know a whole lot about legal strategy, particularly with regard to proceedings – you guys know I was pre-med. I just like to pretend like I do on the Internets. Maybe Nas figures Kelis will continue to come out the side of her neck about how Nas is such a monster, and how bad she’s doing. Then, when they get to court, the judge will take one look at that shit and be like, “Bitch, please!” Like what happened to Fiddy Cent’s baby’s mother, when she thought she was entitled to half that Vitamin Water money.

But Fiddy Cent took his baby’s mother to court in New York, where they don’t play that shit. Nas somehow ended up getting divorced in California, where mofos have been known to get raped. I was listening to Stern the other day (I know), and Jillian Barberie was breaking down how it works out there. She actually ended up having to pay some guy alimony, even though he was already rich. Basically, the way it works is: the person who’s earning an income has to pay the other person alimony, even if the other person has a shedload of money of their own, because the one with the check is generally the one who pays the rent and various other living expenses.

In the case of Nas and Kelis, I guess that would mean Nas would have to pay Kelis. The little homey hasn’t had a good idea in 15 years, but he stays putting out albums. And something tells me that being even a moderately successful recording artist pays way better than you’d think. According to Kelis, Nas has five cribs and is part owner of Guerilla Union, the company that produces the Rock the Bells tour, which Nas just so happens to be headlining this summer. Coincidence? Meanwhile, as far as I know (I’m no expert on R&B), Kelis hasn’t done shit since that song “Milkshake,” which may have been out as far back as when I was still in college.

Well, she hasn’t done shit other than plot on Nas. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if she had this planned all along. You know she’s part Chinese… Notice how she hasn’t done shit for the past five years, other than become accustomed to a ridonkulously opulent lifestyle. And then, as soon as one of Nas’ rubbers broke, she was out in Californina filing papers. She claimed she found out Nas was cheating on her while she was pregnant, but let’s keep it real. Nas was probably banging broads that entire time. And who knows what she was up to.

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